18.3 Góa khòaⁿ-tiōng ka-tī chûn-chāi ê ì-gī
Yi khòaⁿ i thiaⁿ tio̍h che bīn hoán-pe̍h, lâng tò-kiu. I bô ìn siáⁿ.
"Góa tio̍h tńg-khì Clifford, ūi Wragby lâu chi̍t-ê sió lâm-chiok bô?" yi mn̄g.
I khòaⁿ yi, bīn pe̍h-pe̍h, kek hn̄g-hn̄g. I ê bīn-téng koh siám-sih tio̍h he bái-kâu ê khó͘-chhiò.
"Lí kám m̄-bián kā i kóng, gín-á ê lāu-pē sī siáng?"
"Oh!" yi kóng; "tō kóng góa kā i kóng, i mā tio̍h chiap-siū chit-ê gín-á."
I su-khó chi̍t khùn.
"Ái!" chòe-āu i kā ka-tī kóng. "Góa siūⁿ i mā tio̍h án-ne."
Tiām-tiām, nn̄g lâng tiong-kan lī chin hn̄g.
"M̄-koh, lí bô-ài góa tńg-khì Clifford hia, kám m̄-sī?" yi mn̄g i.
"Lí ka-tī ê ì-goān sī siáⁿ?" i ìn.
"Góa boeh kap lí chò-hóe," yi kán-tan kóng.
Thiaⁿ yi án-ne kóng, jím-put-chū chi̍t pha hóe-iām liâu kòe i ê pak-tó͘, i ê thâu lê lo̍h. Āu-lâi i koh gia̍h-ba̍k khòaⁿ yi, ba̍k-sîn gāng-gāng.
"Lí nā kám-kak ū ta̍t," i kóng. "Góa sī siáⁿ lóng bô."
"Lí pí tōa-pō͘-hūn cha-po͘ lóng ū khah chē. Sī ah, he lí mā chai," yi kóng.
"Bó͘ hong-bīn lâi kóng, góa chai." I tiām chi̍t khùn, ná siūⁿ, chiah koh kóng: "Lâng it-hiòng kóng, góa siuⁿ cha-bó͘ sèng. M̄-koh sū-si̍t m̄-sī án-ne. Bē-sái in-ūi góa bô ài phah chiáu, tō kóng góa sī cha-bó͘. Mā bē-sái in-ūi góa bô hèng thàn-chîⁿ, a̍h-sī bô ài pheh-koân, tō án-ne kóng. Goân-pún góa ē-tàng tī kun-tūi peh-koân, m̄-koh góa bô kah-ì kun-tūi. Sui-bóng góa ū hoat-tō͘ kap hiaⁿ-tī kau-pôe: in lóng kah-ì góa, góa nā pháiⁿ khí-lâi, in mā kiaⁿ góa, chun-kèng góa. Góa bô kah-ì, sī in-ūi hàu-tai, sí-sèng ê khoân-ui kā kun-tūi pìⁿ kah sí-sí: sí kah giān-giān. Góa kah-ì hiaⁿ-tī, hiaⁿ-tī mā kah-ì góa. M̄-koh góa bô hoat-tō͘ jím-siū chú-koán ê hit-chióng o͘-pe̍h-kóng koh khò-sè ê kāu-bīn-phôe. Tō-sī án-ne góa m̄ peh-koân. Góa chheh kim-chîⁿ ê kāu-bīn-phôe, góa mā chheh kai-kip ê kāu-bīn-phôe. Só͘-í, tī chit-khoán sè-kài, góa ná ū siáⁿ thang kiong-èng chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘?
"Ná tio̍h kiong-èng? Che m̄-sī seng-lí. Che put-kò sī lán hō͘-siong sio-ài," yi kóng.
"Nái, nái! Put-chí án-ne. Seng-oa̍h ē kè-sio̍k hiòng chêng. Góa ê sèⁿ-miā m̄-ài tòe sè-sio̍k ê chúi-kau, góa m̄. Só͘-í, góa pún-sin sī bô-lō͘-iōng ê lâng. Góa bô khoân-lī chhōa cha-bó͘ ji̍p góa ê sèⁿ-miā, tî-hui góa ê sèⁿ-miā ū chok-ûi, ū sêng-chiū, siōng-bô tī lāi-chāi, ài ē-tàng hō͘ lán nn̄g-lâng kám-kak chhiⁿ-chhioh. Hu-chhe nā boeh kòe ko͘-li̍p ê seng-oa̍h, cha-po͘-lâng tio̍h ài hō͘ cha-bó͘ kám-kak seng-oa̍h ū ì-gī, iû-kî sī tùi chi̍t-ê ko-kùi ê cha-bó͘. Góa bē-sái kan-ta chò lí ê khè-hiaⁿ."
"Sī án-chóaⁿ bē-sái?" yi kóng.
"Ai-ah, in-ūi góa bē-sái. Chin-kín lí tō ē oàn-hūn chit-chióng seng-oa̍h."
"Bē-su kóng, lí bē sìn-jīm góa," yi kóng.
I ê bīn koh siám-sih khó͘-chhiò.
"Chîⁿ sī lí ê, tē-ūi sī lí ê, it-chhè lóng ài lí chò koat-tēng. Chóng-sī, góa m̄-sī kan-ta chò Hu-jîn ê kàn-chhiú."
"Lí iáu koh sī siáⁿ?"
"Mn̄g liáu chin hó. Tong-jiân, he sī khòaⁿ bē tio̍h ê. M̄-koh, siōng-bô góa sī góa ka-tī. Góa khòaⁿ-tāng góa ka-tī chûn-chāi ê ì-gī, sui-bóng góa liáu-kái, che bô lâng khòaⁿ ē tio̍h."
"Nā hām góa chò-hóe seng-oa̍h, lí chûn-chāi ê ì-gī kám ē piàn khah chió?"
I kú-kú tiām chi̍t khùn, chiah ìn kóng:
"Ū khó-lêng."
Yi mā thêng-khùn teh siūⁿ che.
"Lí chûn-chāi ê ì-gī sī siáⁿ?"
"Góa kā lí kóng, he khòaⁿ bē tio̍h. Góa bô sìn sè-kài, bô sìn kim-chîⁿ, mā bô sìn siōng-chìn, mā bô sìn lán ê bûn-bêng ê chiong-lâi. Ká-sú jîn-lūi ū chi̍t ê chiong-lâi, tio̍h ài ū chi̍t-ê tōa-tōa ê kái-piàn."
"Nā án-ne, chin-chiàⁿ ê chiong-lâi sī siáⁿ khoán?"
"Thiⁿ chiah chai! Góa kám-kak góa sim-nih ū bó͘-chíong hūn-ha̍p tio̍h chē-chē hùn-nō͘ ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. M̄-koh, he khak-si̍t sī siáⁿ, góa mā m̄-chai."
"Góa kā lí kóng hó bô?" yi kóng, kim-kim khòaⁿ i ê bīn. "Góa kā lí kóng, siáⁿ sī lí ū pa̍t-ê cha-po͘ só͘ bô, he ē chhòng-chō chiong-lâi, hó bô? Góa kā lí kóng, hó bô?"
"Kā góa kóng," i ìn.
"He sī lí un-chêng ê ióng-khì, tō sī he: chhiūⁿ kóng, lí kā chhiú khǹg tī góa ê kha-chhng, kóng góa ū chi̍t-ê súi kha-chhng."
--
18.3 我看重家己存在 ê 意義
她看伊聽著 che 面反白, 人倒勼. 伊無應啥.
"我著轉去 Clifford, 為 Wragby 留一个小男爵無?" 她問.
伊看她, 面白白, 激遠遠. 伊 ê 面頂 koh 閃爍著彼䆀猴 ê 苦笑.
"你敢毋免 kā 伊講, 囡仔 ê 老爸是 siáng?"
"Oh!" 她講; "tō 講我 kā 伊講, 伊 mā 著接受這个囡仔."
伊思考一睏.
"Ái!" 最後伊 kā 家己講. "我想伊 mā 著 án-ne."
恬恬, 兩人中間離真遠.
"M̄-koh, 你無愛我轉去 Clifford 遐, 敢毋是?" 她問伊.
"你家己 ê 意願是啥?" 伊應.
"我欲 kap 你做伙," 她簡單講.
聽她 án-ne 講, 忍不住一葩火焰 liâu 過伊 ê 腹肚, 伊 ê 頭犁落. 後來伊 koh 攑目看她, 目神 gāng-gāng.
"你若感覺有值," 伊講. "我是啥攏無."
"你比大部份查埔攏有較濟. 是 ah, 彼你 mā 知," 她講.
"某方面來講, 我知." 伊恬一睏, ná 想, 才 koh 講: "人一向講, 我 siuⁿ 查某性. M̄-koh 事實毋是 án-ne. 袂使因為我無愛拍鳥, tō 講我是查某. Mā 袂使因為我無興趁錢, 抑是無愛 peh 懸, tō án-ne 講. 原本我會當 tī 軍隊 peh 懸, m̄-koh 我無佮意軍隊. 雖罔我有法度 kap 兄弟交陪: in 攏佮意我, 我若歹起來, in mā 驚我, 尊敬我. 我無佮意, 是因為孝呆, 死性 ê 權威 kā 軍隊 pìⁿ kah 死死: 死 kah giān-giān. 我佮意兄弟, 兄弟 mā 佮意我. M̄-koh 我無法度忍受主管 ê 彼種烏白講 koh 靠勢 ê 厚面皮. Tō 是 án-ne 我毋 peh 懸. 我慼金錢 ê 厚面皮, 我 mā 慼階級 ê 厚面皮. 所以, tī 這款世界, 我那有啥通供應一个查某?
"那著供應? 這毋是生理. 這不過是咱互相相愛," 她講.
"Nái, nái! 不止 án-ne. 生活會繼續向前. 我 ê 性命毋愛綴世俗 ê 水溝, 我毋. 所以, 我本身是無路用 ê 人. 我無權利 chhōa 查某入我 ê 性命, 除非我 ê 性命有作為, 有成就, 上無 tī 內在, 愛會當予咱兩人感覺鮮沢. 夫妻若欲過孤立 ê 生活, 查埔人著愛予查某感覺生活有意義, 尤其是對一个高貴 ê 查某. 我袂使干焦做你 ê 契兄."
"是按怎袂使?" 她講.
"Ai-ah, 因為我袂使. 真緊你 tō 會怨恨這種生活."
"袂輸講, 你袂信任我," 她講.
伊 ê 面 koh 閃爍苦笑.
"錢是你 ê, 地位是你 ê, 一切攏愛你做決定. 總是, 我毋是干焦做夫人 ê kàn 手."
"你猶 koh 是啥?"
"問了真好. 當然, 彼是看袂著 ê. M̄-koh, 上無我是我家己. 我看重我家己存在 ê 意義, 雖罔我了解, 這無人看會著."
"若和我做伙生活, 你存在 ê 意義敢會變較少?"
伊久久恬一睏, 才應講:
"有可能."
她 mā 停睏 teh 想這.
"你存在 ê 意義是啥?"
"我 kā 你講, 彼看袂著. 我無信世界, 無信金錢, mā 無信上進, mā 無信咱 ê 文明 ê 將來. 假使人類有一个將來, 著愛有一个大大 ê 改變."
"若 án-ne, 真正 ê 將來是啥款?"
"天 chiah 知! 我感覺我心 nih 有某種混合著濟濟憤怒 ê 物件. M̄-koh, 彼確實是啥, 我 mā 毋知."
"我 kā 你講好無?" 她講, 金金看伊 ê 面. "我 kā 你講, 啥是你有別个查埔所無, 彼會創造將來, 好無? 我 kā 你講, 好無?"
"Kā 我講," 伊應.
"彼是你溫情 ê 勇氣, tō 是彼: 像講, 你 kā 手囥 tī 我 ê 尻川, 講我有一个媠尻川."
--
18.3
She saw him go pale, and recoil under this. He did not answer.
’Shall I go back to Clifford and put a little baronet into Wragby?’ she asked.
He looked at her, pale and very remote. The ugly little grin flickered on his face.
’You wouldn’t have to tell him who the father was?’
’Oh!’ she said; ‘he’d take it even then, if I wanted him to.’
He thought for a time.
’Ay!’ he said at last, to himself. ‘I suppose he would.’
There was silence. A big gulf was between them.
’But you don’t want me to go back to Clifford, do you?’ she asked him.
’What do you want yourself?’ he replied.
’I want to live with you,’ she said simply.
In spite of himself, little flames ran over his belly as he heard her say it, and he dropped his head. Then he looked up at her again, with those haunted eyes.
’If it’s worth it to you,’ he said. ‘I’ve got nothing.’
’You’ve got more than most men. Come, you know it,’ she said.
’In one way, I know it.’ He was silent for a time, thinking. Then he resumed: ‘They used to say I had too much of the woman in me. But it’s not that. I’m not a woman not because I don’t want to shoot birds, neither because I don’t want to make money, or get on. I could have got on in the army, easily, but I didn’t like the army. Though I could manage the men all right: they liked me and they had a bit of a holy fear of me when I got mad. No, it was stupid, dead-handed higher authority that made the army dead: absolutely fool-dead. I like men, and men like me. But I can’t stand the twaddling bossy impudence of the people who run this world. That’s why I can’t get on. I hate the impudence of money, and I hate the impudence of class. So in the world as it is, what have I to offer a woman?’
’But why offer anything? It’s not a bargain. It’s just that we love one another,’ she said.
’Nay, nay! It’s more than that. Living is moving and moving on. My life won’t go down the proper gutters, it just won’t. So I’m a bit of a waste ticket by myself. And I’ve no business to take a woman into my life, unless my life does something and gets somewhere, inwardly at least, to keep us both fresh. A man must offer a woman some meaning in his life, if it’s going to be an isolated life, and if she’s a genuine woman. I can’t be just your male concubine.’
’Why not?’ she said.
’Why, because I can’t. And you would soon hate it.’
’As if you couldn’t trust me,’ she said.
The grin flickered on his face.
’The money is yours, the position is yours, the decisions will lie with you. I’m not just my Lady’s fucker, after all.’
’What else are you?’
’You may well ask. It no doubt is invisible. Yet I’m something to myself at least. I can see the point of my own existence, though I can quite understand nobody else’s seeing it.’
’And will your existence have less point, if you live with me?’
He paused a long time before replying:
’It might.’
She too stayed to think about it.
’And what is the point of your existence?’
’I tell you, it’s invisible. I don’t believe in the world, not in money, nor in advancement, nor in the future of our civilization. If there’s got to be a future for humanity, there’ll have to be a very big change from what now is.’
’And what will the real future have to be like?’
’God knows! I can feel something inside me, all mixed up with a lot of rage. But what it really amounts to, I don’t know.’
’Shall I tell you?’ she said, looking into his face. ‘Shall I tell you what you have that other men don’t have, and that will make the future? Shall I tell you?’
’Tell me then,’ he replied.
’It’s the courage of your own tenderness, that’s what it is: like when you put your hand on my tail and say I’ve got a pretty tail.’
--
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