19.2 I ná sè-hàn gín-á chông-pài sèng-bó
M̄-koh, hysteria chin hûi-hiám; iah yi sī hō͘-sū, yi ū gī-bū tio̍h kiù i. Nā siūⁿ-boeh kek-khí i ê lâm-chú khì-khài a̍h-sī chū-chun-sim, che lóng tian-tò ū-hāi; in-ūi i ê lâm-chú khì-khài í-keng sí ah, siōng-bô sī chiām-sî sí ah. I tō ē kan-ta ná thâng án-ne lú ngiauh lú bô-la̍t, lú lâi lú chhò-loān.
Kan-ta chi̍t hāng tāi-chì, tio̍h sī tháu-pàng i ê chū-ai chū-oàn. Tō ná-chhiūⁿ Tennyson pit-hā ê kùi-hū, i tio̍h tōa-khàu chi̍t tiûⁿ, nā bô i tio̍h ē sí.
Só͘-tì, Bolton Tt seng khàu chhut-lâi. Yi iōng chhiú am bīn, iⁿ-iⁿ-ōⁿ-ōⁿ teh khàu. "Góa m̄-káⁿ siong-sìn Hu-jîn ē án-ne chò, m̄-káⁿ siong-sìn!" yi ná khàu, soah ná siūⁿ khí ka-tī kòe-khì ê siong-pi kap khó͘-chêng, ūi tio̍h ka-tī ê pi-khó͘, ba̍k-sái sì-lâm-sûi. It-tàn khai-sí, yi ê ba̍k-sái lâu kah chin-sim chin-ì, in-ūi yi khak-si̍t ū ka-tī ta̍t-tit khàu ê tāi-chì.
Clifford siūⁿ tio̍h i hō͘ Connie chit-ê cha-bó͘ kā hoán-pōe, koh siū tio̍h pi-chêng ê kám-jiám, ba̍k-sái móa ba̍k-kîⁿ, khai-sí liàn-lo̍h i ê chhùi-phé. I ūi ka-tī teh khàu. Bolton Tt, chi̍t khòaⁿ tio̍h ba̍k-sái lâu tī i he pe̍h-sek ê bīn, tō kín-kín iōng yi ê sió chhiú-kin kā ka-tī ê bīn chhit-chhit leh, chiah koh àⁿ-sin hiòng i.
"Taⁿ, lí m̄-thang hoân-ló, Clifford Sià!" yi kóng, ōe tiong chhiong-móa kám-chêng. "Taⁿ, lí m̄-thang hoân-ló, án-ne ē hāi tio̍h ka-tī!"
I jím-siaⁿ suh chi̍t kháu khùi, sin-khu hut-jiân ka-lún-sún chi̍t-ē, ba̍k-sái soah kui-ê lóng piàⁿ chhut-lâi. Yi hōaⁿ tio̍h i ê chhiú ē-chat, ka-tī ê ba̍k-sái mā koh liàn chhut-lâi. I iáu teh ka-lún-sún, ná-chhiūⁿ teh kiù-kin, yi tō iōng chhiú moa i ê keng-thâu. "Hó ah, hó ah! Lí m̄-thang hoân-ló, m̄-thang hoân-ló!" yi ka-tī ba̍k-sái ná lâu, ná án-ne nauh hō͘ thiaⁿ. Yi kā i khiú óa ka-tī, iōng siang-chhiú siâm i ê keng-thâu, iah i ê bīn phak tī yi ê heng-chêng, phīⁿ-khang ná teh chhngh, khoah-tōa ê keng-thâu ná iô tín-tāng, yi tō khin-khin phok i he àm-kim-sek ê thâu-mo͘, kóng: "Hó ah! Hó ah! Hó ah lah! Án-ne hó ah lah! Lí m̄-thang hoân-ló, m̄-thang kòa-ì he!"
I siang-chhiú lám yi, ná-chhiūⁿ gín-á kā yi khîⁿ tiâu-tiâu, hō͘ ba̍k-sái bak-tâm yi he chiuⁿ--kòe ê pe̍h-sek ûi-kûn ê chiàⁿ-bīn, kap yi he chhián-nâ-sek mî-pò͘-saⁿ ê heng-chêng. I chóng-sǹg oân-choân pàng-khui ka-tī lah.
Āu-lâi, yi kā chim chi̍t-ē, tī heng-chêng kā iô-tāng, sim-koaⁿ án-ne siūⁿ: "Oh, Clifford Sià! Oh, Ū-chîⁿ ū-sè ê Chatterley ka-cho̍k ah! Lín mā ē ū chit-khoán hā-tiûⁿ ah!" Chòe-āu, i ná-chhiūⁿ gín-á, tiām-tiām khùn-khì. Iah yi kám-kak thiám kah, tō tńg-khì yi ka-tī ê pâng-keng, tī hia yi chhiò, sûi koh khàu, hām ji̍p yi ka-tī ê hysteria tiong-kan. Che si̍t-chāi chiâⁿ hó-chhiò! Che mā chiâⁿ khó-phà! Chit-chióng hā-tiûⁿ! Ū kàu kiàn-siàu! Che mā hō͘ lâng chiâⁿ péng-pak.
Liáu-āu, Clifford tùi Bolton Tt tō ná-chhiūⁿ gín-á. I ū-sî ē khì khan yi ê chhiú, a̍h kā thâu khòe tī yi ê heng-chêng, yi nā khin-khin chim i ê sî, i tō ē kóng: "Tio̍h! Chim góa! Chim góa lah!" Tī yi iōng hái-mî sé i he tōa-phiāng ê âng-gê sin-khu ê sî, i mā ē kóng kāng-khoán: "Chim góa lah!" iah yi tō khin-khin chim i ê sin-khu chhìn-chhái chi̍t-ê só͘-chāi, ná-chhiūⁿ teh chò-sńg.
I kek chi̍t-ê koài-kî koh sit-sîn ê bīn, ná gín-á kám-kak sîn-kî tó leh. I iōng tōa-lúi, iù-tī ê ba̍k-chiu kim-kim khòaⁿ yi, tîm-chùi tī sèng-bó͘ ê chông-pài. Án-ne hō͘ i oân-choân pàng-sang, pàng-khui i ê lâm-chú khì-khài, tîm-lo̍h chin hoán-siông ê gín-á chōng-thài. Āu-lâi, i ē chhun-chhiú ji̍p yi heng-chêng, bong yi ê leng, koh jia̍t-lia̍t chim he leng, sī tōa-lâng ná gín-á hit-chióng hoán-siông ê jia̍t-lia̍t.
Bolton Tt thiòng koh pháiⁿ-sè, yi ài che mā chheh che. M̄-koh yi lóng bô kī-choa̍t mā bô chek-pī i. Chū án-ne in ê bah-thé koan-hē lú chhin-bi̍t, chi̍t-chióng hoán-siông ê chhin-bi̍t, i ná-chhiūⁿ gín-á hián-chhut sûn-kiat kap sîn-kî, bē-su sī chi̍t-chióng chong-kàu ê jia̍t-lia̍t: hoán-siông kah "tî-hui lí koh piàn-sêng sè-hàn gín-á" hit-chióng ê piáu-hiān... Iah yi sī Thian-siōng Sèng-bó, ū khoân ū sè, kā chit-ê gín-á tōa-lâng oân-choân an-pâi tī yi ê ì-chì hām ài-hō͘ ē-bīn.
Ū chi̍t-ê sîn-kî ê tāi-chì sī án-ne: Clifford chit-ê gín-á tōa-lâng, kúi-nā nî lâi, i tō í-keng sī án-ne ah-lah, tng i koh chhut-hiān tī gōa-kài ê sî, i soah piàn-chò pí kòe-khì hit-ê si̍t-chāi ê cha-po͘-lâng koh-khah lāi, koh-khah cheng. Chit-ê hoán-siông ê gín-á tōa-lâng taⁿ sī chi̍t-ê chin-chiàⁿ ê seng-lí-lâng; nā tú tio̍h sū-gia̍p ê būn-tê, i choa̍t-tùi sī cha-po͘-kiáⁿ, lāi kah ná chiam, kian-kò͘ kah ná chi̍t-tè kǹg. I nā chhut-khì tī cha-po͘-lâng tīn lāi-té, tui-kiû ka-tī ê lī-ek, tui-kiû i ê khòng-gia̍p ê hoat-tián, i lóng ū chi̍t-chióng sîn-pì ê kan-khiáu, khek-po̍k, koh cheng-bêng ê koat-toān. He bē-su sī, i ê pī-tōng koh bē-sin hō͘ Thian-siōng Sèng-bó, hō͘ i ū hó ê gán-kong khòaⁿ bu̍t-chit sū-gia̍p ê tāi-chì, hō͘ i ū bó͘-chióng hui-jîn-tō ê le̍k-liōng. Tîm-chùi tī su-jîn kám-chêng, thiat-té pàng-lo̍h i he cha-po͘-lâng ê sin-hūn, án-ne ká-ná hō͘ i chi̍t-ê tē-jī thian-sèng: léng-khok, ū gán-kong, cheng-bêng. Sū-gia̍p siōng, i sī siong-tong bô jîn-sèng.
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19.2 伊 ná 細漢囡仔崇拜聖母
M̄-koh, hysteria 真危險; iah 她是護士, 她有義務著救伊. 若想欲激起伊 ê 男子氣概抑是自尊心, 這攏顛倒有害; 因為伊 ê 男子氣概已經死 ah, 上無是暫時死 ah. 伊 tō 會干焦 ná 蟲 án-ne lú ngiauh lú 無力, lú 來 lú 錯亂.
干焦一項代誌, 著是敨放伊 ê 自哀自怨. Tō ná 像 Tennyson 筆下 ê 貴婦, 伊著大哭一場, 若無伊著會死.
所致, Bolton Tt 先哭出來. 她用手掩面, iⁿ-iⁿ-ōⁿ-ōⁿ teh 哭. "我毋敢相信夫人會 án-ne 做, 毋敢相信!" 她 ná 哭, 煞 ná 想起家己過去 ê 傷悲 kap 苦情, 為著家己 ê 悲苦, 目屎四淋垂. 一旦開始, 她 ê 目屎流 kah 真心真意, 因為她確實有家己值得哭 ê 代誌.
Clifford 想著伊予 Connie 這个查某 kā 反背, koh 受著悲情 ê 感染, 目屎滿目墘, 開始輾落伊 ê 喙䫌. 伊為家己 teh 哭. Bolton Tt, 一看著目屎流 tī 伊彼白色 ê 面, tō 緊緊用她 ê 小手巾 kā 家己 ê 面拭拭 leh, 才 koh àⁿ 身向伊.
"今, 你毋通煩惱, Clifford Sià!" 她講, 話中充滿感情. "今, 你毋通煩惱, án-ne 會害著家己!"
伊忍聲欶一口氣, 身軀忽然 ka-lún-sún 一下, 目屎煞規个攏拚出來. 她扞著伊 ê 手下節, 家己 ê 目屎 mā koh 輾出來. 伊猶 teh ka-lún-sún, ná 像 teh 糾筋, 她 tō 用手幔伊 ê 肩頭. "好 ah, 好 ah! 你毋通煩惱, 毋通煩惱!" 她家己目屎 ná 流, ná án-ne nauh 予聽. 她 kā 伊搝倚家己, 用雙手尋伊 ê 肩頭, iah 伊 ê 面仆 tī 她 ê 胸前, 鼻空 ná teh chhngh, 闊大 ê 肩頭 ná 搖振動, 她 tō 輕輕撲伊彼暗金色 ê 頭毛, 講: "好 ah! 好 ah! 好 ah lah! Án-ne 好 ah lah! 你毋通煩惱, 毋通掛意彼!"
伊雙手攬她, ná 像囡仔 kā 她拑牢牢, 予目屎 bak 澹她彼漿過 ê 白色圍裙 ê 正面, kap 她彼淺藍色棉布衫 ê 胸前. 伊總算完全放開家己 lah.
後來, 她 kā 唚一下, tī 胸前 kā 搖動, 心肝 án-ne 想: "Oh, Clifford Sià! Oh, 有錢有勢 ê Chatterley 家族 ah! 恁 mā 會有這款下場 ah!" 最後, 伊 ná 像囡仔, 恬恬睏去. Iah 她感覺忝 kah, tō 轉去她家己 ê 房間, tī 遐她笑, 隨 koh 哭, 陷入她家己 ê hysteria 中間. 這實在誠好笑! 這 mā 誠可怕! 這種下場! 有夠見笑! 這 mā 予人誠 péng 腹.
了後, Clifford 對 Bolton Tt tō ná 像囡仔. 伊有時會去牽她 ê 手, 抑 kā 頭 khòe tī 她 ê 胸前, 她若輕輕唚伊 ê 時, 伊 tō 會講: "著! 唚我! 唚我 lah!" Tī 她用海綿洗伊彼大龐 ê 紅牙身軀 ê 時, 伊 mā 會講仝款: "唚我 lah!" iah 她 tō 輕輕唚伊 ê 身軀凊彩一个所在, ná 像 teh 做耍.
伊激一个怪奇 koh 失神 ê 面, ná 囡仔感覺神奇倒 leh. 伊用大蕊, 幼稚 ê 目睭金金看她, 沉醉 tī 聖母 ê 崇拜. Án-ne 予伊完全放鬆, 放開伊 ê 男子氣概, 沉落真反常 ê 囡仔狀態. 後來, 伊會伸手入她胸前, 摸她 ê 奶, koh 熱烈唚彼奶, 是大人 ná 囡仔彼種反常 ê 熱烈.
Bolton Tt 暢 koh 歹勢, 她愛這 mā 慼這. M̄-koh 她攏無拒絕 mā 無責備伊. 自 án-ne in ê 肉體關係 lú 親密, 一種反常 ê 親密, 伊 ná 像囡仔顯出純潔 kap 神奇, 袂輸是一種宗教 ê 熱烈: 反常 kah "除非你 koh 變成細漢囡仔" 彼種 ê 表現... Iah 她是天上聖母, 有權有勢, kā 這个囡仔大人完全安排 tī 她 ê 意志和愛護下面.
有一个神奇 ê 代誌是 án-ne: Clifford 這个囡仔大人, 幾若年來, 伊 tō 已經是 án-ne ah-lah, 當伊 koh 出現 tī 外界 ê 時, 伊煞變做比過去彼个實在 ê 查埔人 koh 較利, koh 較精. 這个反常 ê 囡仔大人今是一个真正 ê 生理人; 若拄著事業 ê 問題, 伊絕對是查埔囝, 利 kah ná 針, 堅固 kah ná 一塊鋼. 伊若出去 tī 查埔人陣內底, 追求家己 ê 利益, 追求伊 ê 礦業 ê 發展, 伊攏有一種神祕 ê 奸巧, 刻薄, koh 精明 ê 決斷. 彼袂輸是, 伊 ê 被動 koh 賣身予天上聖母, 予伊有好 ê 眼光看物質事業 ê 代誌, 予伊有某種非人道 ê 力量. 沉醉 tī 私人感情, 徹底放落伊彼查埔人 ê 身份, án-ne ká-ná 予伊一个第二天性: 冷酷, 有眼光, 精明. 事業上, 伊是相當無人性.
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19.2
But hysteria is dangerous: and she was a nurse, it was her duty to pull him out. Any attempt to rouse his manhood and his pride would only make him worse: for his manhood was dead, temporarily if not finally. He would only squirm softer and softer, like a worm, and become more dislocated.
The only thing was to release his self-pity. Like the lady in Tennyson, he must weep or he must die.
So Mrs Bolton began to weep first. She covered her face with her hand and burst into little wild sobs. ‘I would never have believed it of her ladyship, I wouldn’t!’ she wept, suddenly summoning up all her old grief and sense of woe, and weeping the tears of her own bitter chagrin. Once she started, her weeping was genuine enough, for she had had something to weep for.
Clifford thought of the way he had been betrayed by the woman Connie, and in a contagion of grief, tears filled his eyes and began to run down his cheeks. He was weeping for himself. Mrs Bolton, as soon as she saw the tears running over his blank face, hastily wiped her own wet cheeks on her little handkerchief, and leaned towards him.
’Now, don’t you fret, Sir Clifford!’ she said, in a luxury of emotion. ‘Now, don’t you fret, don’t, you’ll only do yourself an injury!’
His body shivered suddenly in an indrawn breath of silent sobbing, and the tears ran quicker down his face. She laid her hand on his arm, and her own tears fell again. Again the shiver went through him, like a convulsion, and she laid her arm round his shoulder. ‘There, there! There, there! Don’t you fret, then, don’t you! Don’t you fret!’ she moaned to him, while her own tears fell. And she drew him to her, and held her arms round his great shoulders, while he laid his face on her bosom and sobbed, shaking and hulking his huge shoulders, whilst she softly stroked his dusky-blond hair and said: ‘There! There! There! There then! There then! Never you mind! Never you mind, then!’
And he put his arms round her and clung to her like a child, wetting the bib of her starched white apron, and the bosom of her pale-blue cotton dress, with his tears. He had let himself go altogether, at last.
So at length she kissed him, and rocked him on her bosom, and in her heart she said to herself: ‘Oh, Sir Clifford! Oh, high and mighty Chatterleys! Is this what you’ve come down to!’ And finally he even went to sleep, like a child. And she felt worn out, and went to her own room, where she laughed and cried at once, with a hysteria of her own. It was so ridiculous! It was so awful! Such a come-down! So shameful! And it WAS so upsetting as well.
After this, Clifford became like a child with Mrs Bolton. He would hold her hand, and rest his head on her breast, and when she once lightly kissed him, he said: ’Yes! Do kiss me! Do kiss me!’ And when she sponged his great blond body, he would say the same:’Do kiss me!’ and she would lightly kiss his body, anywhere, half in mockery.
And he lay with a queer, blank face like a child, with a bit of the wonderment of a child. And he would gaze on her with wide, childish eyes, in a relaxation of madonna-worship. It was sheer relaxation on his part, letting go all his manhood, and sinking back to a childish position that was really perverse. And then he would put his hand into her bosom and feel her breasts, and kiss them in exaltation, the exaltation of perversity, of being a child when he was a man.
Mrs Bolton was both thrilled and ashamed, she both loved and hated it. Yet she never rebuffed nor rebuked him. And they drew into a closer physical intimacy, an intimacy of perversity, when he was a child stricken with an apparent candour and an apparent wonderment, that looked almost like a religious exaltation: the perverse and literal rendering of: ‘except ye become again as a little child’.—While she was the Magna Mater, full of power and potency, having the great blond child-man under her will and her stroke entirely.
The curious thing was that when this child-man, which Clifford was now and which he had been becoming for years, emerged into the world, it was much sharper and keener than the real man he used to be. This perverted child-man was now a REAL business-man; when it was a question of affairs, he was an absolute he-man, sharp as a needle, and impervious as a bit of steel. When he was out among men, seeking his own ends, and ‘making good’ his colliery workings, he had an almost uncanny shrewdness, hardness, and a straight sharp punch. It was as if his very passivity and prostitution to the Magna Mater gave him insight into material business affairs, and lent him a certain remarkable inhuman force. The wallowing in private emotion, the utter abasement of his manly self, seemed to lend him a second nature, cold, almost visionary, business-clever. In business he was quite inhuman.
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