18.5 Lán m̄-thang hō͘ lâng khòaⁿ tio̍h lán chò-hóe
Tng i chhah ji̍p yi ê sî, i bêng-pe̍k, che sī i eng-kai chò ê tāi-chì, hām yi chò un-jiû ê chiap-chhiok, bián-tit sit-khì i ê chū-chun, chun-giâm, a̍h sī cha-po͘-kiáⁿ ê jîn-keh. Chóng-sī, yi nā ū chîⁿ ū sè, iah i bô pòaⁿ hāng, nā ūi tio̍h che lâi pó-liû i tùi yi ê un-jiû, án-ne i tō siuⁿ hong-sîn, siuⁿ ài bīn-chú. "Góa chi-chhî jîn-lūi tiong-kan ài ū sin-thé ê chiap-chhiok," i kā ka-tī kóng, "hām un-jiû ê chiap-chhiok. Yi sī góa ê phōaⁿ-lī. Che sī chi̍t tiûⁿ chiàn-cheng, teh tùi-khòng kim-chîⁿ, tùi-khòng ki-khì, hām tùi-khòng sè-kài put-ti-put-kak ê kâu-bô͘-kâu-iūⁿ. Yi ē chi-chhî góa. Kám-siā Sîn, góa tit-tio̍h chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘! Kám-siā Sîn, góa tit-tio̍h chi̍t-ê tòe góa ê cha-bó͘, un-jiû koh liáu-kái góa. Kám-siā Sîn, yi m̄-sī chhâ-pê, mā m̄-sī hàu-tai. Kám-siā Sîn, yi sī chi̍t-ê un-jiû, kak-chhéⁿ ê cha-bó͘." Tng i ê chéng chōaⁿ tī yi lāi-té ê sî, i ê lêng-hûn mā chōaⁿ hiòng yi; che sī chhòng-chō ê hêng-ûi, hn̄g-hn̄g chhiau-kòe seⁿ-thòaⁿ ê hêng-ûi.
Taⁿ, yi sim-ì tiāⁿ, i hām yi bē-sái hun-khui. M̄-koh, pō͘-sò͘ hām hong-hoat lóng tio̍h kái-koat.
"Lí ē chheh Bertha Coutts bô?" yi mn̄g i.
"Mài koh kóng yi."
"Tio̍h kóng! Lí tio̍h thiaⁿ góa kóng. In-ūi lí bat kah-ì kòe yi. Kòe-khì lí bat kap yi chhin-bi̍t, tō ná-chhiūⁿ taⁿ lí kap góa. Só͘-tì, lí tio̍h kă kóng. Lí bat kap yi hiah-nī chhin-bi̍t, taⁿ lí án-ne chheh yi, che kám m̄-sī chin khióng-pò͘? Sī án-chóaⁿ ē án-ne?"
"Góa mā m̄-chai. Yi ê ì-chì ká-ná it-ti̍t, it-ti̍t chún-pī boeh kap góa tùi-khòng: yi he ná kúi ê ì-chì: yi ê chū-iû! Cha-bó͘-lâng khó-phà ê chū-iû, kiat-kio̍k sī siōng chhiah ê chhâ-pê! Oh, yi chóng-sī the̍h yi ê chū-iû lâi tùi-khòng góa, ná chhiūⁿ phoah liû-sng tī góa ê bīn."
"M̄-koh, sīm-chì taⁿ, yi iáu bô thoat-lī lí. Yi iáu ū ài lí bô?"
"M̄-sī, m̄-sī! Yi nā bô thoat-lī góa, he sī in-ūi yi oàn kah boeh siáu, yi it-tēng siūⁿ boeh siong-hāi góa."
"M̄-koh, yi tiāⁿ-tio̍h ài kòe lí."
"Bô! Hm, hoān-sè yi bat. Yi pī góa khip-ín. Góa siūⁿ, yi mā khì chit-tiám. Yi ū-sî bat ài góa. M̄-koh, yi chin kín tō thêng-khùn, tō khai-sí khi-hū góa. Yi siōng chhim ê ǹg-bāng tō sī khi-hū góa, che bô siáⁿ thang kā kái-piàn. Yi ê ì-chì chū khai-sí tō m̄-tio̍h ah."
"M̄-koh, hoān-sè yi kám-kak lí bô chin-chiàⁿ ài yi, yi siūⁿ boeh hō͘ lí ài yi."
"Sîn ah! ē phùi hoeh."
"M̄-koh, lí bô chin-chiàⁿ ài yi, sī bô? Che sī lí tùi yi m̄-tio̍h."
"Góa ū siáⁿ hoat-tō͘? Góa khai-sí, khai-sí boeh ài yi. Put-jî-kò, yi chóng-sī kap góa tùi-ke̍h. Mài, lán mài koh kóng che. He bô kái. Yi sī bô kiù ê cha-bó͘. Chòe-kīn í-lâi, nā ē-sái, góa si̍t-chāi tio̍h kā chit-ê cha-bó͘-lâng hêng bô kiù ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, ná bâ-á (stoat) án-ne kā tōaⁿ--sí! Góa nā ē-tàng tōaⁿ sí yi, hiah-ê ū-ê, bô-ê tō lóng ē bô--khì ah-lah! Si̍t-chāi ài ín-chún góa khì án-ne chò. Cha-bó͘ nā khì hō͘ yi ê ì-chì khòng-chè tio̍h, yi ê ì-chì koh sī hoán-khòng it-chhè, che tō chiâⁿ khó-phà, án-ne tiāⁿ-tio̍h tō ài kā yi siau-bia̍t tiāu."
"Cha-po͘, nā khì hō͘ in ê ì-chì khòng-chè tio̍h, kám m̄-bián hông siau-bia̍t tiāu?"
"Ái! -- kāng-khoán! M̄-koh, góa tio̍h thoat-lī yi, nā bô, yi ē koh lâi tîⁿ góa. Góa bat kā lí kóng, nā ē-sái, góa tio̍h kap yi lī-hun. Só͘-tì, lán tio̍h sió-sim. Lán m̄-thang hō͘ lâng khòaⁿ tio̍h lí hām góa chò-hóe. Góa choa̍t-tùi, choa̍t-tùi bô hoat-tō͘ jím-siū yi lâi chhōe lí kap góa ê mâ-hoân."
Connie su-khó chiah-ê ōe.
"Án-ne, lán tio̍h bē-sái chò-hóe?" yi kóng.
"Tāi-khài la̍k goe̍h-ji̍t. M̄-koh, góa siūⁿ, tī káu-goe̍h, góa ê lī-hun ē hó-sè; án-ne tio̍h tán kàu mê-nî saⁿ goe̍h."
"M̄-koh, gín-á tāi-khài tī jī-goe̍h té tō boeh chhut-sì," yi kóng.
I tiām-tiām.
"Góa hi-bāng Clifford ka-cho̍k hām Bertha ka-cho̍k lóng sí liáu-liáu," i kóng.
"Án-ne tùi in bô un-chêng," yi kóng.
"Tùi in un-chêng? Sī lah, tùi in siōng-kài ū un-chêng ê tāi-chì, hoān-sè tō sī hō͘ in khì sí. In bô eng-kai oa̍h! In kan-ta sī teh phò-hāi sèⁿ-miā. In sin-thé lāi ê lêng-hûn chin khó-phà. Sí-bông tùi in sī tiⁿ-bi̍t ê tāi-chì. Eng-kai tio̍h ín-chún góa khì kā in lóng tōaⁿ sí liáu-liáu."
"M̄-koh, lí bē án-ne chò," yi kóng.
"Góa ē lah! pí góa phah-sí chi̍t chiah gîn-chhí (weasel) koh-khah tìn-chēng. Gîn-chhí chóng-sī ū i ê súi kap ko͘-to̍k. M̄-koh chiah-ê lâng sī kui tui. Góa ē thâi in."
"Hoān-sè lí iáu-sī m̄-káⁿ án-ne chò."
"Hm."
--
18.5 咱毋通予人看著咱做伙
當伊插入她 ê 時, 伊明白, 這是伊應該做 ê 代誌, 和她做溫柔 ê 接觸, 免得失去伊 ê 自尊, 尊嚴, 抑是查埔囝 ê 人格. 總是, 她若有錢有勢, iah 伊無半項, 若為著這來保留伊對她 ê 溫柔, án-ne 伊 tō siuⁿ 風神, siuⁿ 愛面子. "我支持人類中間愛有身體 ê 接觸," 伊 kā 家己講, "和溫柔 ê 接觸. 她是我 ê 伴侶. 這是一場戰爭, teh 對抗金錢, 對抗機器, 和對抗世界不知不覺 ê 猴模猴樣. 她會支持我. 感謝神, 我得著一个查某! 感謝神, 我得著一个綴我 ê 查某, 溫柔 koh 了解我. 感謝神, 她毋是柴耙, mā 毋是孝呆. 感謝神, 她是一个溫柔, 覺醒 ê 查某." 當伊 ê 種濺 tī 她內底 ê 時, 伊 ê 靈魂 mā 濺向她; 這是創造 ê 行為, 遠遠超過生湠 ê 行為.
今, 她心意定, 伊和她袂使分開. M̄-koh, 步數和方法 lóng 著解決.
"你會慼 Bertha Coutts 無?" 她問伊.
"莫 koh 講她."
"著講! 你著聽我講. 因為你 bat 佮意過她. 過去你 bat kap 她親密, tō ná 像今你 kap 我. 所致, 你著 kă 講. 你 bat kap 她 hiah-nī 親密, 今你 án-ne 慼她, 這敢毋是真恐怖? 是按怎會 án-ne?"
"我 mā 毋知. 她 ê 意志 ká-ná 一直, 一直準備欲 kap 我對抗: 她彼 ná 鬼 ê 意志: 她 ê 自由! 查某人可怕 ê 自由, 結局是上赤 ê 柴耙! Oh, 她總是提她 ê 自由來對抗我, ná 像潑硫酸 tī 我 ê 面."
"M̄-koh, 甚至今, 她猶無脫離你. 她猶有愛你無?"
"毋是, 毋是! 她若無脫離我, 彼是因為她怨 kah 欲痟, 她一定想欲傷害我."
"M̄-koh, 她定著愛過你."
"無! Hm, 凡勢她 bat. 她被我吸引. 我想, 她 mā 氣這點. 她有時 bat 愛我. M̄-koh, 她真緊 tō 停睏, tō 開始欺負我. 她上深 ê ǹg 望 tō 是欺負我, 這無啥通 kā 改變. 她 ê 意志自開始 tō 毋著 ah."
"M̄-koh, 凡勢她感覺你無真正愛她, 她想欲予你愛她."
"神 ah! 會呸血."
"M̄-koh, 你無真正愛她, 是無? 這是你對她毋著."
"我有啥法度? 我開始, 開始欲愛她. 不而過, 她總是 kap 我對 ke̍h. 莫, 咱莫 koh 講這. 彼無解. 她是無救 ê 查某. 最近以來, 若會使, 我實在著 kā 這个查某人形無救 ê 物件, ná bâ-á (stoat) án-ne kā 彈--死! 我若會當彈死她, hiah-ê 有 ê, 無 ê tō 攏會無--去 ah-lah! 實在愛允准我去 án-ne 做. 查某若去予她 ê 意志控制著, 她 ê 意志 koh 是反抗一切, 這 tō 誠可怕, án-ne 定著 tō 愛 kā 她消滅掉."
"查埔, 若去予 in ê 意志控制著, 敢毋免 hông 消滅掉?"
"Ái! -- 仝款! M̄-koh, 我著脫離她, 若無, 她會 koh 來纏我. 我 bat kā 你講, 若會使, 我著 kap 她離婚. 所致, 咱著小心. 咱毋通予人看著你和我做伙. 我絕對, 絕對無法度忍受她來揣你 kap 我 ê 麻煩."
Connie 思考 chiah-ê 話.
"Án-ne, 咱著袂使做伙?" 她講.
"大概六月日. M̄-koh, 我想, tī 九月, 我 ê 離婚會好勢; án-ne 著等到明年三月."
"M̄-koh, 囡仔大概 tī 二月底 tō 欲出世," 她講.
伊恬恬.
"我希望 Clifford 家族和 Bertha 家族攏死了了," 伊講.
"Án-ne 對 in 無溫情," 她講.
"對 in 溫情? 是 lah, 對 in 上蓋有溫情 ê 代誌, 凡勢 tō 是予 in 去死. In 無應該活! In 干焦是 teh 破害性命. In 身體內 ê 靈魂真可怕. 死亡對 in 是甜蜜 ê 代誌. 應該著允准我去 kā in 攏彈死了了."
"M̄-koh, 你袂 án-ne 做," 她講.
"我會 lah! 比我拍死一隻銀鼠 (weasel) koh 較鎮靜. 銀鼠總是有伊 ê 媠 kap 孤獨. M̄-koh chiah-ê 人是規堆. 我會刣 in."
"凡勢你猶是毋敢 án-ne 做."
"Hm."
--
18.5
And he realized as he went into her that this was the thing he had to do, to come into tender touch, without losing his pride or his dignity or his integrity as a man. After all, if she had money and means, and he had none, he should be too proud and honourable to hold back his tenderness from her on that account. ‘I stand for the touch of bodily awareness between human beings,’ he said to himself, ‘and the touch of tenderness. And she is my mate. And it is a battle against the money, and the machine, and the insentient ideal monkeyishness of the world. And she will stand behind me there. Thank God I’ve got a woman! Thank God I’ve got a woman who is with me, and tender and aware of me. Thank God she’s not a bully, nor a fool. Thank God she’s a tender, aware woman.’ And as his seed sprang in her, his soul sprang towards her too, in the creative act that is far more than procreative.
She was quite determined now that there should be no parting between him and her. But the ways and means were still to settle.
’Did you hate Bertha Coutts?’ she asked him.
’Don’t talk to me about her.’
’Yes! You must let me. Because once you liked her. And once you were as intimate with her as you are with me. So you have to tell me. Isn’t it rather terrible, when you’ve been intimate with her, to hate her so? Why is it?’
’I don’t know. She sort of kept her will ready against me, always, always: her ghastly female will: her freedom! A woman’s ghastly freedom that ends in the most beastly bullying! Oh, she always kept her freedom against me, like vitriol in my face.’
’But she’s not free of you even now. Does she still love you?’
’No, no! If she’s not free of me, it’s because she’s got that mad rage, she must try to bully me.’
’But she must have loved you.’
’No! Well, in specks she did. She was drawn to me. And I think even that she hated. She loved me in moments. But she always took it back, and started bullying. Her deepest desire was to bully me, and there was no altering her. Her will was wrong, from the first.’
’But perhaps she felt you didn’t really love her, and she wanted to make you.’
’My God, it was bloody making.’
’But you didn’t really love her, did you? You did her that wrong.’
’How could I? I began to. I began to love her. But somehow, she always ripped me up. No, don’t let’s talk of it. It was a doom, that was. And she was a doomed woman. This last time, I’d have shot her like I shoot a stoat, if I’d but been allowed: a raving, doomed thing in the shape of a woman! If only I could have shot her, and ended the whole misery! It ought to be allowed. When a woman gets absolutely possessed by her own will, her own will set against everything, then it’s fearful, and she should be shot at last.’
’And shouldn’t men be shot at last, if they get possessed by their own will?’
’Ay! —the same! But I must get free of her, or she’ll be at me again. I wanted to tell you. I must get a divorce if I possibly can. So we must be careful. We mustn’t really be seen together, you and I. I never, NEVER could stand it if she came down on me and you.’
Connie pondered this.
’Then we can’t be together?’ she said.
’Not for six months or so. But I think my divorce will go through in September; then till March.’
’But the baby will probably be born at the end of February,’ she said.
He was silent.
’I could wish the Cliffords and Berthas all dead,’ he said.
’It’s not being very tender to them,’ she said.
’Tender to them? Yea, even then the tenderest thing you could do for them, perhaps, would be to give them death. They can’t live! They only frustrate life. Their souls are awful inside them. Death ought to be sweet to them. And I ought to be allowed to shoot them.’
’But you wouldn’t do it,’ she said.
’I would though! and with less qualms than I shoot a weasel. It anyhow has a prettiness and a loneliness. But they are legion. Oh, I’d shoot them.’
’Then perhaps it is just as well you daren’t.’
’Well.’
--
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