18.4 Kóng, lí bē lī-khui góa
I ê bīn koh siám-sih tio̍h khó͘-chhiò.
"He oh!" i kóng.
Koh-lâi, i chē leh siūⁿ.
"Ái!" i kóng. "Lí kóng liáu tio̍h, tō sī he. Oân-oân choân-choân tō sī he. Góa hām hiaⁿ-tī chò-hóe, chai-iáⁿ he. Góa tio̍h kap in ū sin-thé siōng ê chiap-chhiok, ē pó-chhî chit-ê chò-hoat. Góa tio̍h tī sin-thé siōng lí-kái in, tùi in un-jiû, sīm-chì tī chiat-bôa in ê sî. Che sī ì-sek ê būn-tê, tō ná Hu̍t-tô só͘ kóng ê. M̄-koh, sīm-chì i mā pī-bián kóng sin-thé ê ì-sek, kap he chū-jiân ê sin-thé ê un-jiû, he sī siōng hó ê, sīm-chì tī cha-po͘-lâng tiong-kan; iōng chi̍t-chióng sek-tòng ê lâm-chú-hàn ê hong-sek. Hō͘ in chiâⁿ chò lâm-chú-hàn, m̄-sī kâu-san-á. Ái! sī un-jiû, chin ê; sī ‘kóe’ ê ì-sek. Sèng-ài si̍t-chāi kan-ta sī chiap-chhiok, só͘-ū chiap-chhiok tiong-kan siōng chhin-bi̍t ê. Lán só͘ kiaⁿ ê tō sī chiap-chhiok. Lán kan-ta pòaⁿ chhéⁿ, pòaⁿ oa̍h. Lán tio̍h ài oa̍h, ài chhéⁿ. Iû-kî sī Eng-kok lâng tio̍h ài hō͘-siong ū chiap-chhiok, sió khah iù-siù, sió khah un-jiû. Che sī lán só͘ su-iàu ê."
Yi khòaⁿ i.
"Nā án-ne, án-chóaⁿ lí kiaⁿ góa?" yi kóng.
I kú-kú khòaⁿ yi, chiah ìn:
"Sī in-ūi chîⁿ, in-ūi tē-ūi. Sī in-ūi lí só͘ ū ê sè-kài."
"M̄-koh, kám kóng góa bô un-jiû?" Yi jia̍t-chhiat kā mn̄g.
I iōng im-àm, bâng-jiân ê siang ba̍k khòaⁿ yi.
"Ái! He ū-sî ū, ū-sî bô, hām góa kāng-khoán."
"M̄-koh, lí kám bē siong-sìn he tī lí-góa tiong-kan?" yi mn̄g, ná kip-chhiat siòng i.
Yi khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê bīn-sek pàng jiû, bô koh peⁿ kah hiah ân.
"Hoān-sè!" i kóng.
In nn̄g-lâng lóng tiām-tiām.
"Góa ài lí siang-chhiú lám góa," yi kóng. "Góa ài thiaⁿ lí kóng, lí chin hoaⁿ-hí lán ū chi̍t-ê gín-á."
Yi móa-bīn bí-lē, un-loán, jia̍t-chhiat, i ê pak-lāi ūi tio̍h yi teh ngia̍uh-ngia̍uh tāng.
"Góa siūⁿ, lán ē-sái khì góa ê pâng-keng," i kóng. "Sui-bóng án-ne iū-koh sī kiàn-siàu-tāi."
M̄-koh yi khòaⁿ tio̍h i koh kā sè-kài pàng bē-kì, i ê bīn hiàn-chhut un-jiû, jia̍t-chêng ê sûn-kiat piáu-chêng.
In kiâⁿ phian-phiah ê ke-lō͘ kàu Coburg Kóng-tiûⁿ, i tī chhù ê téng-lâu ū chi̍t-keng pâng, he sī lâu-kông-téng, ū chi̍t-ê gas-lô͘ thang hō͘ i chú-chiah. Pâng-keng sè-sè, m̄-koh sù-sī koh chheng-khì.
Yi kā saⁿ thǹg tiāu, mā kiò i thǹg tiāu i ê saⁿ. Yi tú-tú ū-sin ê jiû-nńg sin-khu chin bí-lē hó-khòaⁿ.
"Góa bô eng-kai kiáu-jiáu lí," i kóng.
"Mài kóng he!" yi kóng. "Ài góa! Ài góa, koh kóng lí bē lī-khui góa. Kóng, lí bē lī-khui góa! Kóng, lí éng-oán m̄ pàng góa cháu, m̄-koán khì toh, khì siáng hia."
Yi pê óa i, ân-ân tah óa i he sán-thiu, ióng-chòng ê lō͘-thé, he sī yi só͘ chai, ûi-it ê chhù.
"Nā án-ne, óa ē lâu lír," i kóng. "Lír nā su-iàu, óa tō ē lâu lír."
I kā siâm tio̍h, ân-ân.
"Koh kóng, lí hoaⁿ-hí ū chit-ê gín-á," yi koh kóng. "Chim i! Chim góa ê chú-kiong, kóng lí chin hoaⁿ-hí i tī hia."
M̄-koh, che i chò khah bē kàu.
"Óa chin kiaⁿ ū gín-á chhut-sì tī sè siōng," i kóng. "Óa chóng-sī tam-sim in ê chiong-lâi."
"M̄-koh, che sī lí ê chéng. Tùi i un-jiû, he tō sī i ê chiong-lâi lah. Chim i!"
I ka-lún-sún, in-ūi he sī chin-si̍t ê ōe. "Tùi i un-jiû, he tō sī i ê chiong-lâi." -- Chit-sî i chhim-chhim kám-kak i ài chit-ê cha-bó͘. I chim yi ê pak-tó͘ hām yi ê Ài-sîn soaⁿ (mound of Venus), óa-óa chim yi ê chú-kiong hām chú-kiong lāi-bīn ê thai-jî.
"Oh, lí ài góa! Lí ài góa!" yi kóng, khin siaⁿ ná-chhiūⁿ chò-ài ê sî o͘-pe̍h haiⁿ ê siaⁿ. I jiû-jiû chhah-ji̍p yi, ná kám-kak tio̍h un-jiû ê éng ùi i ê pak-lāi lâu hiòng yi ê pak-lāi, nn̄g ê sio-ài ê pak-lāi tī nn̄g lâng tiong-kan to̍h-hóe sio khí-lâi.
--
18.4 講, 你袂離開我
伊 ê 面 koh 閃爍著苦笑.
"彼 oh!" 伊講.
Koh 來, 伊坐 leh 想.
"Ái!" 伊講. "你講了著, tō 是彼. 完完全全 tō 是彼. 我和兄弟做伙, 知影彼. 我著 kap in 有身體上 ê 接觸, 會保持這个做法. 我著 tī 身體上理解 in, 對 in 溫柔, 甚至 tī 折磨 in ê 時. 這是意識 ê 問題, tō ná 佛陀所講 ê. M̄-koh, 甚至伊 mā 避免講身體 ê 意識, kap 彼自然 ê 身體 ê 溫柔, 彼是上好 ê, 甚至 tī 查埔人中間; 用一種適當 ê 男子漢 ê 方式. 予 in 成做男子漢, 毋是猴山仔. Ái! 是溫柔, 真 ê; 是 ‘粿’ ê 意識. 性愛實在干焦是接觸, 所有接觸中間上親密 ê. 咱所驚 ê tō 是接觸. 咱干焦半醒, 半活. 咱著愛活, 愛醒. 尤其是英國人著愛互相有接觸, 小較幼秀, 小較溫柔. 這是咱所需要 ê."
她看伊.
"若 án-ne, 按怎你驚我?" 她講.
伊久久看她, 才應:
"是因為錢, 因為地位. 是因為你所有 ê 世界."
"M̄-koh, 敢講我無溫柔?" 她熱切 kā 問.
伊用陰暗, 茫然 ê 雙目看她.
"Ái! 彼有時有, 有時無, 和我仝款."
"M̄-koh, 你敢袂相信彼 tī 你我中間?" 她問, ná 急切相伊.
她看著伊 ê 面色放柔, 無 koh 繃 kah hiah 絚.
"凡勢!" 伊講.
In 兩人攏恬恬.
"我愛你雙手攬我," 她講. "我愛聽你講, 你真歡喜咱有一个囡仔."
她滿面美麗, 溫暖, 熱切, 伊 ê 腹內為著她 teh 蟯蟯動.
"我想, 咱會使去我 ê 房間," 伊講. "雖罔 án-ne 又 koh 是見笑代."
M̄-koh 她看著伊 koh kā 世界放袂記, 伊 ê 面現出溫柔, 熱情 ê 純潔表情.
In 行偏僻 ê 街路到 Coburg 廣場, 伊 tī 厝 ê 頂樓有一間房, 彼是樓栱頂, 有一个 gas 爐通予伊煮食. 房間細細, m̄-koh 四序 koh 清氣.
她 kā 衫褪掉, mā 叫伊褪掉伊 ê 衫. 她拄拄有身 ê 柔軟身軀真美麗好看.
"我無應該攪擾你," 伊講.
"莫講彼!" 她講. "愛我! 愛我, koh 講你袂離開我. 講, 你袂離開我! 講, 你永遠毋放我走, 毋管去佗, 去 siáng 遐."
她爬倚伊, ân-ân 搭倚伊彼瘦抽, 勇壯 ê 露體, 彼是她所知, 唯一 ê 厝.
"若 án-ne, óa 會留 lír," 伊講. "Lír 若需要, óa tō 會留 lír."
伊 kā 尋著, ân-ân.
"Koh 講, 你歡喜有這个囡仔," 她 koh 講. "唚伊! 唚我 ê 子宮, 講你真歡喜伊 tī 遐."
M̄-koh, 這伊做較袂到.
"Óa 真驚有囡仔出世 tī 世上," 伊講. "Óa 總是擔心 in ê 將來."
"M̄-koh, 這是你 ê 種. 對伊溫柔, 彼 tō 是伊 ê 將來 lah. 唚伊!"
伊 ka-lún-sún, 因為彼是真實 ê 話. "對伊溫柔, 彼 tō 是伊 ê 將來." -- 這時伊深深感覺伊愛這个查某. 伊唚她 ê 腹肚和她 ê 愛神山 (mound of Venus), 倚倚唚她 ê 子宮和子宮內面 ê 胎兒.
"Oh, 你愛我! 你愛我!" 她講, 輕聲 ná 像做愛 ê 時烏白 haiⁿ ê 聲. 伊柔柔插入她, ná 感覺著溫柔 ê 湧 ùi 伊 ê 腹內流向她 ê 腹內, 兩个相愛 ê 腹內 tī 兩人中間 to̍h 火燒起來.
--
18.4
The grin came flickering on his face.
’That!’ he said.
Then he sat thinking.
’Ay!’ he said. ‘You’re right. It’s that really. It’s that all the way through. I knew it with the men. I had to be in touch with them, physically, and not go back on it. I had to be bodily aware of them and a bit tender to them, even if I put ’em through hell. It’s a question of awareness, as Buddha said. But even he fought shy of the bodily awareness, and that natural physical tenderness, which is the best, even between men; in a proper manly way. Makes ’em really manly, not so monkeyish. Ay! it’s tenderness, really; it’s cunt-awareness. Sex is really only touch, the closest of all touch. And it’s touch we’re afraid of. We’re only half-conscious, and half alive. We’ve got to come alive and aware. Especially the English have got to get into touch with one another, a bit delicate and a bit tender. It’s our crying need.’
She looked at him.
’Then why are you afraid of me?’ she said.
He looked at her a long time before he answered.
’It’s the money, really, and the position. It’s the world in you.’
’But isn’t there tenderness in me?’ she said wistfully.
He looked down at her, with darkened, abstract eyes.
’Ay! It comes an’ goes, like in me.’
’But can’t you trust it between you and me?’ she asked, gazing anxiously at him.
She saw his face all softening down, losing its armour.
‘Maybe!’ he said.
They were both silent.
’I want you to hold me in your arms,’ she said. ‘I want you to tell me you are glad we are having a child.’
She looked so lovely and warm and wistful, his bowels stirred towards her.
’I suppose we can go to my room,’ he said. ‘Though it’s scandalous again.’
But she saw the forgetfulness of the world coming over him again, his face taking the soft, pure look of tender passion.
They walked by the remoter streets to Coburg Square, where he had a room at the top of the house, an attic room where he cooked for himself on a gas ring. It was small, but decent and tidy.
She took off her things, and made him do the same. She was lovely in the soft first flush of her pregnancy.
’I ought to leave you alone,’ he said.
’No!’ she said. ‘Love me! Love me, and say you’ll keep me. Say you’ll keep me! Say you’ll never let me go, to the world nor to anybody.’
She crept close against him, clinging fast to his thin, strong naked body, the only home she had ever known.
’Then I’ll keep thee,’ he said. ‘If tha wants it, then I’ll keep thee.’
He held her round and fast.
’And say you’re glad about the child,’ she repeated. ’Kiss it! Kiss my womb and say you’re glad it’s there.’
But that was more difficult for him.
’I’ve a dread of puttin’ children i’ th’ world,’ he said. ‘I’ve such a dread o’ th’ future for ‘em.’
’But you’ve put it into me. Be tender to it, and that will be its future already. Kiss it!’
He quivered, because it was true. ‘Be tender to it, and that will be its future.’—At that moment he felt a sheer love for the woman. He kissed her belly and her mound of Venus, to kiss close to the womb and the foetus within the womb.
’Oh, you love me! You love me!’ she said, in a little cry like one of her blind, inarticulate love cries. And he went in to her softly, feeling the stream of tenderness flowing in release from his bowels to hers, the bowels of compassion kindled between them.
--
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