19.8 咱做伙守貞節, tō ná 做伙 sio-kàn

19.8 Lán chò-hóe siú cheng-chiat, tō ná chò-hóa sio-kàn

"In-ūi án-ne, góa m̄-káⁿ chin-chiàⁿ khai-sí su-liām lí. He kan-ta kā góa chiat-bôa, tùi lí mā bô hó-chhù. Góa bô-ài lí lī-khui góa. M̄-koh, góa nā khai-sí hoân-ló, chóng ū mi̍h-kiāⁿ ē sún-sit. Jím-nāi ah, chóng tio̍h jím-nāi. Che sī góa ê tē 40-ê kôaⁿ-thiⁿ. Kòe-óng ê kôaⁿ-thiⁿ í-keng kòe-khì. Chit-ê kôaⁿ-thiⁿ góa boeh kò͘ hó góa kàng-lêng ê sió hóe, lâi tit-tio̍h pêng-an. Góa m̄-chún lâng chhoán-khùi kā i pûn-hoa. Góa siong-sìn chi̍t-chióng bî-miāu ê sîn-pì, put-chún húi-hoāi hoan-âng-hoe. Sui-jiân taⁿ lí sī tī Scotland, góa tī Midlands, góa bô hoat-tō͘ siang-chhiú lám lí, siang-thúi gia̍p lí, m̄-koh góa ê sim nih ū lí tī leh. Góa ê lêng-hun tī kàng-lêng ê sió-sió hóe-iām nih hām lí tâng-chê khin-khin ia̍t-tāng, ná-chhiūⁿ sio-kàn ê sî ê hô-pêng. Lán kàn chhut chi̍t pha hóe. Sīm-chì hoe-lúi mā sī ji̍t-thâu hām tē-kiû sio-kàn só͘ seⁿ chhut-lâi ê. M̄-koh he sī chin ò-miāu ê tāi-chì, su-iàu ū nāi-sim, kap kú-kú ê tán-thāi.

"Só͘-tì, taⁿ góa ài cheng-chiat, in-ūi he sī ùi sio-kàn só͘ tit-tio̍h ê hô-pêng. Taⁿ, góa mā ài siú cheng-chiat. Góa ài che, tō ná seh-hoe ài seh. Góa ài chit-ê cheng-chiat, i sī lán sio-kàn hô-pêng ê thêng-khùn, i tī lán tiong-kan, tō ná pe̍h-sek hóe-iām ê seh-hoe. Tng chin-chiàⁿ ê chhun-thiⁿ lâi, lán koh chò-hóe ê sî-hāu kàu ê sî, lán tō ē-tàng kā hit-ê sió hóe-iām kàn kah kng koh n̂g, kng sih-sih. M̄-koh, m̄-sī taⁿ, iáu m̄-sī sî! Taⁿ sī siú cheng-chiat ê sî-kan, siú cheng-chiat chiâⁿ hó, ná chi̍t-tiâu léng-chúi khe tī góa ê lêng-hûn nih. Góa ài che cheng-chiat lâu tī lán tiong-kan. He tō ná chheng-chúi, ná hō͘-chúi. Cha-po͘-lâng ná ē mî-mî boeh lām-sám. Nā chhin-chhiūⁿ Don Juan án-ne sī chiâⁿ khó-liân, sio-kàn liáu i tit bē-tio̍h hô-pêng, bah-io̍k ê hóe-iām tiám to̍h ah, i bô-hoat-tō͘ tī bô-thang kàn ê kî-kan, ná chē óa khe-piⁿ án-ne léng-chēng siú tio̍h cheng-chiat.

"Ai-ah, chhian-giân bān-gí, in-ūi góa bak bē tio̍h lí. Góa nā ē-tàng siang-chhiú lám lí khùn, tō m̄-bián liáu chiah-ê ba̍k-chúi. Lán ē-tàng chò-hóe siú cheng-chiat, tō ná lán chò-hóe sio-kàn. M̄-koh, lán tio̍h hun-lī chi̍t-chām sî-ji̍t, góa mā siong-sìn che sī chhong-bêng ê hong-hoat. Kan-ta lán án-ne khak-sìn tō ē-sái.

"Bián hoân-ló, bián hoân-ló, lán m̄-thang siuⁿ kòa-ì. Lán chin-chiàⁿ sìn-jīm he sió hóe-iām, siong-sìn bô miâ ê sîn ē pó-pì, bē khì hông pûn-hoa. Tī chia, góa ê sim nih ū chē-chē ê lí, chin ê, khó-sioh lí m̄-sī choân-pō͘ lóng tī chia.

"M̄-bián kòa-ì Clifford Sià. lí nā bô tit tio̍h i ê siau-sit, m̄-bián hoân-ló. I bô hoat-tō͘ tùi lí án-chóaⁿ. Tán leh, chiong-kî-bóe, i ē siūⁿ boeh pàng-khui lí, kā lí hìⁿ-sak. I nā bô án-ne, lán ē siūⁿ pān-hoat lī i hn̄g-hn̄g. M̄-koh, i ē boeh pàng lí. Chiong-kî-bóe, i ē ná thó-ià ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ án-ne kā lí phùi chhut-lâi.

"Taⁿ, góa soah siá kah tòng bē tiām.

"M̄-koh, lán ê tōa pō͘-hūn sī chò-hóe, chí-iàu lán kian-chhî, kiâⁿ hiòng lán kín-kín koh siong-hōe ê lō͘. John Thomas tùi Jane Hu-jîn kóng àm-an, thâu sió-khóa sôe, m̄-koh sim-nih chhiong-móa hi-bāng."

[Soah]

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19.8 咱做伙守貞節, tō ná 做伙 sio-kàn

"因為 án-ne, 我毋敢真正開始思念你. 彼干焦 kā 我折磨, 對你 mā 無好處. 我無愛你離開我. M̄-koh, 我若開始煩惱, 總有物件會損失. 忍耐 ah, 總著忍耐. 這是我 ê 第 40 个寒天. 過往 ê 寒天已經過去. 這个寒天我欲顧好我降靈 ê 小火, 來得著平安. 我毋准人喘氣 kā 伊歕 hoa. 我相信一種微妙 ê 神祕, 不准毀壞番紅花. 雖然今你是 tī Scotland, 我 tī Midlands, 我無法度雙手攬你, 雙腿挾你, m̄-koh 我 ê 心 nih 有你 tī leh. 我 ê 靈魂 tī 降靈 ê 小小火焰 nih 和你同齊輕輕擛動, ná 像 sio-kàn ê 時 ê 和平. 咱 kàn 出一葩火. 甚至花蕊 mā 是日頭和地球 sio-kàn 所生出來 ê. M̄-koh 彼是真奧妙 ê 代誌, 需要有耐心, kap 久久 ê 等待.

"所致, 今我愛貞節, 因為彼是 ùi sio-kàn 所得著 ê 和平. 今, 我 mā 愛守貞節. 我愛這, tō ná 雪花愛雪. 我愛這个貞節, 伊是咱 sio-kàn 和平 ê 停睏, 伊 tī 咱中間, tō ná 白色火焰 ê 雪花. 當真正 ê 春天來, 咱 koh 做伙 ê 時候到 ê 時, 咱 tō 會當 kā 彼个小火焰 kàn kah 光 koh 黃, 光 sih-sih. M̄-koh, 毋是今, 猶毋是時! 今是守貞節 ê 時間, 守貞節誠好, ná 一條冷水溪 tī 我 ê 靈魂 nih. 我愛這貞節流 tī 咱中間. 彼 tō ná 清水, ná 雨水. 查埔人那會綿綿欲濫摻. 若親像 Don Juan án-ne 是誠可憐, sio-kàn 了伊得袂著和平, 肉慾 ê 火焰點 to̍h ah, 煞無法度 tī 無通 kàn ê 期間, ná 坐倚溪邊 án-ne 冷靜, 守著貞節.

"Ai-ah, 千言萬語, 因為我沐袂著你. 我若會當雙手攬你睏, tō 毋免了 chiah-ê 墨水. 咱會當做伙守貞節, tō ná 咱做伙 sio-kàn. M̄-koh, 咱著分離一站時日, 我 mā 相信這是聰明 ê 方法. 干焦咱 án-ne 確信 tō 會使.

"免煩惱, 免煩惱, 咱毋通 siuⁿ 掛意. 咱真正信任彼小火焰, 相信無名 ê 神會保庇, 袂去 hông 歕 hoa. Tī 遮, 我 ê 心 nih 有濟濟个你, 真 ê, 可惜你毋是全部攏 tī 遮.

"毋免掛意 Clifford Sià. 你若無得著伊 ê 消息, 毋免煩惱. 伊無法度對你按怎. 等 leh, 終其尾, 伊會想欲放開你, kā 你挕捒. 伊若無 án-ne, 咱會想辦法離伊遠遠. M̄-koh, 伊會欲放你. 終其尾, 伊會 ná 討厭 ê 物件 án-ne kā 你呸出來.

"今, 我煞寫 kah 擋袂恬.

"M̄-koh, 咱 ê 大部份是做伙, 只要咱堅持, 行向咱緊緊 koh 相會 ê 路. John Thomas 對 Jane 夫人講暗安, 頭小可垂, m̄-koh 心 nih 充滿希望."

[煞]

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19.8

'That’s why I don’t like to start thinking about you actually. It only tortures me, and does you no good. I don’t want you to be away from me. But if I start fretting it wastes something. Patience, always patience. This is my fortieth winter. And I can’t help all the winters that have been. But this winter I’ll stick to my little pentecost flame, and have some peace. And I won’t let the breath of people blow it out. I believe in a higher mystery, that doesn’t let even the crocus be blown out. And if you’re in Scotland and I’m in the Midlands, and I can’t put my arms round you, and wrap my legs round you, yet I’ve got something of you. My soul softly flaps in the little pentecost flame with you, like the peace of fucking. We fucked a flame into being. Even the flowers are fucked into being between the sun and the earth. But it’s a delicate thing, and takes patience and the long pause.

'So I love chastity now, because it is the peace that comes of fucking. I love being chaste now. I love it as snowdrops love the snow. I love this chastity, which is the pause of peace of our fucking, between us now like a snowdrop of forked white fire. And when the real spring comes, when the drawing together comes, then we can fuck the little flame brilliant and yellow, brilliant. But not now, not yet! Now is the time to be chaste, it is so good to be chaste, like a river of cool water in my soul. I love the chastity now that it flows between us. It is like fresh water and rain. How can men want wearisomely to philander. What a misery to be like Don Juan, and impotent ever to fuck oneself into peace, and the little flame alight, impotent and unable to be chaste in the cool between-whiles, as by a river.

'Well, so many words, because I can’t touch you. If I could sleep with my arms round you, the ink could stay in the bottle. We could be chaste together just as we can fuck together. But we have to be separate for a while, and I suppose it is really the wiser way. If only one were sure.

'Never mind, never mind, we won’t get worked up. We really trust in the little flame, and in the unnamed god that shields it from being blown out. There’s so much of you here with me, really, that it’s a pity you aren’t all here.

'Never mind about Sir Clifford. If you don’t hear anything from him, never mind. He can’t really do anything to you. Wait, he will want to get rid of you at last, to cast you out. And if he doesn’t, we’ll manage to keep clear of him. But he will. In the end he will want to spew you out as the abominable thing.

'Now I can’t even leave off writing to you.

'But a great deal of us is together, and we can but abide by it, and steer our courses to meet soon. John Thomas says good-night to Lady Jane, a little droopingly, but with a hopeful heart.'

[The End]

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