Tē 19 Chiong
19.1 Yi ê phe tōa-tōa táⁿ-kek tio̍h Clifford
"Chhin-ài ê Clifford, góa khióng-kiaⁿ, lí ī-liāu ê tāi-chì hoat-seng loh. Góa chin-chiàⁿ khì ài tio̍h pa̍t-lâng, hi-bāng lí ē-tàng hām góa lī-hun. Góa taⁿ hām Duncan tòa tī in tau. Góa bat kā lí kóng khí, i tī Venice hām goán tàu-tīn. Góa chin-chiàⁿ kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè, m̄-koh chhiáⁿ lí tìn-chēng chiap-siū it-chhè. Lí si̍t-chāi sī bô-koh su-iàu góa, góa mā kham bē-khí koh tńg-khì Wragby. M̄-koh, chhiáⁿ lí kā góa pàng bē-kì, hām góa lī-hun, koh khì chhōe chi̍t-ê khah hó ê. Góa si̍t-chāi bô sek-ha̍p lí, góa siūⁿ, góa siuⁿ bô nāi-sèng, siuⁿ chū-su. M̄-koh, góa í-keng bô khó-lêng koh tńg-lâi kap lí chò-hóe. Che hō͘ góa chhim-chhim kám-kak phō-khiàm. M̄-koh, lí nā mài tāng koaⁿ-hóe, lí tō ē chai, che bô hiah khó-phà. Lí pēng bô chin-chiàⁿ koan-sim góa chit-ê lâng. Só͘-tì, chhiaⁿ pàng bē-kì góa, pàng khui góa."
Clifford ê sim-lāi pēng bô ì-gōa ē chiap tio̍h chit tiuⁿ phe. Tī sim-lāi, i í-keng chai chin kú, yi ē lī-khui i. M̄-koh, i choa̍t-tùi bē tī gōa-piáu sêng-jīn che. Só͘-í, tī gōa-piáu, chit tiuⁿ phe hō͘ i chi̍t-ê siōng khó-phà ê táⁿ-kek. I tùi yi ê sìn-jīm, it-hiòng tī gōa-piáu pó-chhî kah chin pêng-chēng.
Lán mā sī án-ne. Khò ì-chì ê le̍k-liōng, lán kiông-chè m̄ sêng-jīn lāi-chāi ti̍t-kak ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Che chō-sêng chi̍t chióng khióng-pò͘ ê chōng-thài, it-tàn tāi-chì hoat-seng, hit-lō táⁿ-kek tō cha̍p-pōe giâm-tiōng.
Clifford ná-chhiūⁿ hoān hysteria ê gín-á. I chē tī bîn-chhn̂g, ná kúi-koài koh sit-sîn, hāi Bolton Tt kiaⁿ chi̍t tiô.
"Ai-ah, Clifford Sìa, tàu-té siáⁿ tāi-chì?"
Bô ìn-siaⁿ! Yi khióng-kiaⁿ i ē tiòng-hong, kín-kín uh i ê bīn, chat i ê me̍h.
"Tó-ūi ē thiàⁿ? Chhiáⁿ chīn-liōng kā góa kóng, tó-ūi bô sóng-khoài. Kín kă kóng!"
Bô ìn-siaⁿ!
"Thiⁿ ah, thiⁿ ah! Góa kín khà tiān-ōe khì Sheffield kiò Carrington I-seng, iáu-koh kiò Lecky I-seng mā lóng kín lâi."
Yi cháu boeh kàu mn̂g ê sî, i iōng im-tîm siaⁿ án-ne kóng:
"Mài!"
Yi thêng lo̍h-lâi, khòaⁿ i. I ê bīn-sek n̂g, sit-sîn, ná-chhiūⁿ pe̍h-chhi ê bīn.
"lí ê ì-sù sī, góa mài khì chhōe i-seng lâi?"
"Tio̍h! Góa bô su-iàu i-seng," chheⁿ-chhìn ê siaⁿ.
"Oh, m̄-koh, Clifford Sià, lí ū-pēⁿ, góa kham bē-khí chek-jīm. Góa tio̍h khì kiò i-seng lâi, nā bô, góa ē hông chek-pī."
Thêng chi̍t khùn, im-tîm ê siaⁿ kóng:
"Góa bô pēⁿ. Goán bó͘ m̄ tńg-lâi." -- ná-chhiūⁿ sī tiau-siōng teh kóng-ōe.
"M̄ tńg-lâi? Lí sī kóng Hu-jîn?" Bolton Tt sóa khah óa bîn-chhn̂g chi̍t-ē. "Lí m̄-thang siong-sìn he. Lí hòng-sim, Hu-jîn tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē tńg-lâi."
Bîn-chhn̂g téng ê tiau-siōng bô tín-tāng, m̄-koh tī phōe-toaⁿ téng sak chi̍t tiuⁿ phe kòe-lâi.
"Lí tha̍k che!" chheⁿ-chhìn ê siaⁿ kóng.
"Ai-ah, he nā sī Hu-jîn ê phe, góa siong-sìn Hu-jîn bô hi-bāng góa thè lí tha̍k yi ê phe, Clifford Sià. Lí nā goān-ì, chhiáⁿ ti̍t-chiap kă kóng yi án-chóaⁿ kóng."
M̄-koh nn̄g-lúi nâ-sek ba̍k-chiu phok-phok ê bīn tāng to bô tāng.
"Lí tha̍k lah!" he siaⁿ-im koh kóng.
"Ai-ah, lí nā ài góa tha̍k, góa tō sūn lí, Clifford Sià," yi kóng.
Yi tha̍k oân hit tiuⁿ phe.
"Hm, Hu-jîn hō͘ góa chin ì-gōa," yi kóng. "yi pún-chiâⁿ kóng kah chin-chin-chin, kóng yi ē tńg-lâi!"
Bîn-chhn̂g téng hit-ê bīn ê piáu-chêng ká-ná koh-khah iá, m̄-koh iáu sī tiām-tiām bô tāng. Bolton Tt kā khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē, kám-kak put-an. Yi chai, tú tio̍h hysteria ê cha-po͘, yi tio̍h án-chóaⁿ èng-hù. Chit-chióng thó-ià ê pēⁿ, kòe-khì tī khàn-hō͘ su-peng ê sî, yi í-keng ū keng-giām ah-lah.
Yi tùi Clifford Sià sió-khóa kám-kak bô nāi-hoân. Jīm-hô ū i hit-chióng ì-sek ê cha-po͘ eng-kai lóng chai, in bo͘ khì ài tio̍h pa̍t-lâng, tit-boeh lī-khui i ah. Yi mā khak-tēng, Clifford Sià sim-lāi mā choa̍t-tùi chai-iáⁿ, chí-sī i ka-tī m̄-goān sêng-jīn niā-niā. I nā khéng sêng-jīn, koh ka-tī chò chún-pī; a̍h sī i nā khéng sêng-jīn, koh chek-ke̍k hām in bó͘ lâi pī-bián che, án-ne chiah sī cha-po͘-kiáⁿ eng-kai chò ê. M̄-koh, bô! i bêng-chai, iū-koh it-ti̍t khi-phiàn ka-tī, kóng, tāi-chì m̄-sī án-ne. I kám-kak ok-mô͘ teh khiú i ê bóe, soah ké-kúi kóng, he sī thiⁿ-sài tùi i teh bâ-bún-chhiò. Chit-chióng hi-ké ê chōng-hóng, taⁿ í-keng ín-khí hi-ké koh chhò-loān ê gûi-ki, hysteria, che sī chi̍t chióng sit-sim pēⁿ. "Tāi-chì lâi lah," yi ka-tī án-ne siūⁿ, sim-nih ná teh sió-khóa chheh i, "in-ūi i chóng-sī kan-ta khó-lī i ka-tī. I chóng-sī kā ka-tī pau tī éng-seng ê khak lāi-té, nā tú-tio̍h táⁿ-kek, i tō ná-chhiūⁿ kui-sin tān pò͘-tiâu ê ìm-si (mummy). Lí kā khòaⁿ!"
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第 19 章
19.1 她 ê 批大大打擊著 Clifford
"親愛 ê Clifford, 我恐驚, 你預料 ê 代誌發生 loh. 我真正去愛著別人, 希望你會當和我離婚. 我今和 Duncan 蹛 tī in 兜. 我 bat kā 你講起, 伊 tī Venice 和阮鬥陣. 我真正感覺歹勢, m̄-koh 請你鎮靜接受一切. 你實在是無 koh 需要我, 我 mā 堪袂起 koh 轉去 Wragby. M̄-koh, 請你 kā 我放袂記, 和我離婚, koh 去揣一个較好 ê. 我實在無適合你, 我想, 我 siuⁿ 無耐性, siuⁿ 自私. M̄-koh, 我已經無可能 koh 轉來 kap 你做伙. 這予我深深感覺抱歉. M̄-koh, 你若莫動肝火, 你 tō 會知, 這無 hiah 可怕. 你並無真正關心我這个人. 所致, 請放袂記我, 放開我."
Clifford ê 心內並無意外會接著這張批. Tī 心內, 伊已經知真久, 她會離開伊. M̄-koh, 伊絕對袂 tī 外表承認這. 所以, tī 外表, 這張批予伊一个上可怕 ê 打擊. 伊對她 ê 信任, 一向 tī 外表保持 kah 真平靜.
咱 mā 是 án-ne. 靠意志 ê 力量, 咱強制毋承認內在直覺 ê 物件. 這造成一種恐怖 ê 狀態, 一旦代誌發生, hit-lō 打擊 tō 十倍嚴重.
Clifford ná 像患 hysteria ê 囡仔. 伊坐 tī 眠床, ná 鬼怪 koh 失神, 害 Bolton Tt 驚一趒.
"Ai-ah, Clifford Sìa, 到底啥代誌?"
無應聲! 她恐驚伊會中風, 緊緊 ù 伊 ê 面, chat 伊 ê 脈.
"佗位會疼? 請盡量 kā 我講, 佗位無爽快. 緊 kă 講!"
無應聲!
"天 ah, 天 ah! 我緊敲電話去 Sheffield 叫 Carrington 醫生, 猶 koh 叫 Lecky 醫生 mā 攏緊來."
她走欲到門 ê 時, 伊用陰沉聲 án-ne 講:
"莫!"
她停落來, 看伊. 伊 ê 面色黃, 失神, ná 像白痴 ê 面.
"你 ê 意思是, 我莫去揣醫生來?"
"著! 我無需要醫生," 青凊 ê 聲.
"Oh, m̄-koh, Clifford Sià, 你有病, 我堪袂起責任. 我著去叫醫生來, 若無, 我會 hông 責備."
停一睏, 陰沉 ê 聲講:
"我無病. 阮某毋轉來." -- ná 像是雕像 teh 講話.
"毋轉來? 你是講夫人?" Bolton Tt 徙較倚眠床一下. "你毋通相信彼. 你放心, 夫人定著會轉來."
眠床頂 ê 雕像無振動, m̄-koh tī 被單頂捒一張批過來.
"你讀這!" 青凊 ê 聲講.
"Ai-ah, 彼若是夫人 ê 批, 我相信夫人無希望我替你讀她 ê 批, Clifford Sià. 你若願意, 請直接 kă 講她按怎講."
M̄-koh 兩蕊藍色目睭 phok-phok ê 面動都無動.
"你讀 lah!" 彼聲音 koh 講.
"Ai-ah, 你若愛我讀, 我 tō 順你, Clifford Sià," 她講.
她讀完彼張批.
"Hm, 夫人予我真意外," 她講. "她本成講 kah 真真真, 講她會轉來!"
眠床頂彼个面 ê 表情 ká-ná koh 較野, m̄-koh 猶是恬恬無動. Bolton Tt kā 看一下, 感覺不安. 她知, 拄著 hysteria ê 查埔, 她著按怎應付. 這種討厭 ê 病, 過去 tī 看護士兵 ê 時, 她已經有經驗 ah-lah.
她對 Clifford Sià 小可感覺無耐煩. 任何有伊彼種意識 ê 查埔應該攏知, in 某去愛著別人, 得欲離開伊 ah. 她 mā 確定, Clifford Sià 心內 mā 絕對知影, 只是伊家己毋願承認 niā-niā. 伊若肯承認, koh 家己做準備; 抑是伊若肯承認, koh 積極和 in 某來避免這, án-ne 才是查埔囝應該做 ê. M̄-koh, 無! 伊明知, 又 koh 一直欺騙家己, 講, 代誌毋是 án-ne. 伊感覺惡魔 teh 搝伊 ê 尾, 煞假鬼講, 彼是天使對伊 teh 麻吻笑. 這種虛假 ê 狀況, 今已經引起虛假 koh 錯亂 ê 危機, hysteria, 這是一種失心病. "代誌來 lah," 她家己 án-ne 想, 心 nih ná teh 小可慼伊, "因為伊總是干焦考慮伊家己. 伊總是 kā 家己包 tī 永生 ê 殼內底, 若拄著打擊, 伊 tō ná 像規身 tān 布條 ê 蔭屍 (mummy). 你 kā 看!"
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Chapter 19
19.1
‘Dear Clifford, I am afraid what you foresaw has happened. I am really in love with another man, and do hope you will divorce me. I am staying at present with Duncan in his flat. I told you he was at Venice with us. I’m awfully unhappy for your sake: but do try to take it quietly. You don’t really need me any more, and I can’t bear to come back to Wragby. I’m awfully sorry. But do try to forgive me, and divorce me and find someone better. I’m not really the right person for you, I am too impatient and selfish, I suppose. But I can’t ever come back to live with you again. And I feel so frightfully sorry about it all, for your sake. But if you don’t let yourself get worked up, you’ll see you won’t mind so frightfully. You didn’t really care about me personally. So do forgive me and get rid of me.’
Clifford was not INWARDLY surprised to get this letter. Inwardly, he had known for a long time she was leaving him. But he had absolutely refused any outward admission of it. Therefore, outwardly, it came as the most terrible blow and shock to him, He had kept the surface of his confidence in her quite serene.
And that is how we are. By strength of will we cut off our inner intuitive knowledge from admitted consciousness. This causes a state of dread, or apprehension, which makes the blow ten times worse when it does fall.
Clifford was like a hysterical child. He gave Mrs Bolton a terrible shock, sitting up in bed ghastly and blank.
’Why, Sir Clifford, whatever’s the matter?’
No answer! She was terrified lest he had had a stroke. She hurried and felt his face, took his pulse.
’Is there a pain? Do try and tell me where it hurts you. Do tell me!’
No answer!
’Oh dear! Oh dear! Then I’ll telephone to Sheffield for Dr Carrington, and Dr Lecky may as well run round straight away.’
She was moving to the door, when he said in a hollow tone:
’No!’
She stopped and gazed at him. His face was yellow, blank, and like the face of an idiot.
’Do you mean you’d rather I didn’t fetch the doctor?’
’Yes! I don’t want him,’ came the sepulchral voice.
’Oh, but Sir Clifford, you’re ill, and I daren’t take the responsibility. I MUST send for the doctor, or I shall be blamed.’
A pause: then the hollow voice said:
’I’m not ill. My wife isn’t coming back.’—It was as if an image spoke.
’Not coming back? You mean her ladyship?’ Mrs Bolton moved a little nearer to the bed. ‘Oh, don’t you believe it. You can trust her ladyship to come back.’
The image in the bed did not change, but it pushed a letter over the counterpane.
’Read it!’ said the sepulchral voice.
’Why, if it’s a letter from her ladyship, I’m sure her ladyship wouldn’t want me to read her letter to you, Sir Clifford. You can tell me what she says, if you wish.’
But the face with the fixed blue eyes sticking out did not change.
’Read it!’ repeated the voice.
’Why, if I must, I do it to obey you, Sir Clifford,’ she said.
And she read the letter.
’Well, I AM surprised at her ladyship,’ she said. ‘She promised so faithfully she’d come back!’
The face in the bed seemed to deepen its expression of wild, but motionless distraction. Mrs Bolton looked at it and was worried. She knew what she was up against: male hysteria. She had not nursed soldiers without learning something about that very unpleasant disease.
She was a little impatient of Sir Clifford. Any man in his senses must have KNOWN his wife was in love with somebody else, and was going to leave him. Even, she was sure, Sir Clifford was inwardly absolutely aware of it, only he wouldn’t admit it to himself. If he would have admitted it, and prepared himself for it: or if he would have admitted it, and actively struggled with his wife against it: that would have been acting like a man. But no! he knew it, and all the time tried to kid himself it wasn’t so. He felt the devil twisting his tail, and pretended it was the angels smiling on him. This state of falsity had now brought on that crisis of falsity and dislocation, hysteria, which is a form of insanity. ‘It comes’, she thought to herself, hating him a little, ‘because he always thinks of himself. He’s so wrapped up in his own immortal self, that when he does get a shock he’s like a mummy tangled in its own bandages. Look at him!’
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