15.3 Góa siūⁿ boeh seⁿ chi̍t-ê gín-á
I chē tī liâu-á nih, hiàn-chhut khoe-sé ê bīn-chhiuⁿ. M̄-koh, sīm-chì hit-sî, i mā ū chi̍t-ê hīⁿ-á teh thiaⁿ gōa-kháu chhiū-nâ nih ê hong-hō͘ siaⁿ. Che hō͘ i kám-kak chiâⁿ ko͘-toaⁿ.
"M̄-koh, he kám bē kiat-sok?" yi kóng.
"Ái, ē lah. Sè-kài ē kiù ka-tī. Chòe-āu chi̍t-ê lâm-chú-hàn hông thâi-sí, só͘ ū ê lâng lóng kiu-kiu lun-lun ê sî: m̄-koán pe̍h, o͘, n̂g, kok sek ê lâng lóng kiu-kiu lun-lun ê sî: in tō lóng chhò-loān. In-ūi lí-tì ê té-tì chāi tī lān-hu̍t. In tō lóng chhò-loān, in tō chò in úi-tāi ê hóe-hêng (火刑, auto da fe). Lí chai, hóe-hêng tō sī sìn-ióng hêng-tōng? Ái, hó lah, in ē chò in ka-tī ê úi-tāi ê sió-sió ê sìn-ióng hêng-tōng. In tō hō͘-siong hiàn-chhut ka-tī."
"Lí sī kóng, hō͘-siong thâi-sí?"
"Sī, ah-bî-á! Lán nā chiàu taⁿ ê sok-tō͘, tī 100 nî ê sî-kan, chit-ê tó tō chhun bô chi̍t-bān lâng: hoān-sè bô 10 lâng. In tō lóng chhiong-móa ài hō͘-siong thâi-sí." Lûi-kong ê siaⁿ lú lâi lú hn̄g.
"Chiâⁿ chán!" yi kóng.
"Khak-si̍t chán! Siūⁿ tio̍h jîn-lūi ê bia̍t-choa̍t hām tī kî-thaⁿ bu̍t-chéng chhut-hiān chìn-chêng ê hit-tōaⁿ tn̂g-tn̂g ê tiām-chēng, lí ê sim-chêng tō pí siáⁿ lóng khah pêng-chēng. Lán nā kè-sio̍k kiâⁿ chit-tiâu lō͘, ta̍k-ê lóng án-ne, tì-sek hūn-chú, gē-su̍t-ka, chèng-hú, kang-gia̍p-ka hām kang-lâng lóng hong-kông thâi-sí jîn-lūi chòe-āu ê kám-chêng, in chòe-āu ê ti̍t-kak, chòe-āu ê kiān-choân pún-lêng; nā kè-sio̍k chhiūⁿ taⁿ án-ne í tāi-sò͘-sek ê chìn-tián: jîn-lūi tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē soah-hì! Chài-hōe lah! ài-jîn! Chôa thun-tiāu ka-tī, lâu-lo̍h chi̍t-ê khang, siong-tong ê hūn-loān, m̄-koh m̄-sī bô-bāng. Chiâⁿ hó! Kàu-sî iá-káu ē tī Wragby pūi, iá-bé ē tī Tevershall khòng-tiûⁿ kiâⁿ-ta̍h! Sîn ah, góa o-ló Lí (te deum laudamus)!
Connie chhiò chhut-lâi, m̄-koh m̄-sī chin hoaⁿ-hí.
"Nā án-ne, lí tio̍h hoaⁿ-hí, in lóng sī bolshevik chú-gī-chiá," yi kóng. "Lí tio̍h hoaⁿ-hí, in lóng kip-kip cháu hiòng boa̍t-ji̍t."
"Góa sī án-ne. Góa bô chó͘-tòng in. Tō kóng góa boeh, góa mā tòng in bē-tiâu."
"Nā án-ne, sī án-chóaⁿ lí pi-siong?"
"Góa bô! Nā sī góa ê ke-kang chòe-āu koh thî, góa mā bē chhap i."
"Nā sī kóng, lí ū chi̍t-ê gín-á neh?" yi kóng.
I thâu tìm lo̍h.
"Ái-ah," chòe-āu i kóng. "Chāi góa khòaⁿ, tī chit-ê sè-kài hō͘ gín-á chhut-sì, sī chhò-gō͘ koh pi-siong ê tāi-chì."
"Mài! Mài án-ne kóng! Mài án-ne kóng!" yi khún-kiû. "Góa teh siūⁿ boeh seⁿ chi̍t-ê. Kă kóng, lí chin hoaⁿ-hí." Yi kā chhiú tah tī i ê chhiú téng.
"Góa chin hoaⁿ-hí, in-ūi lí hoaⁿ-hí," i kóng. "M̄-koh, góa jīn-ûi, che tùi-put-khí hit-ê bōe chhut-sì ê gín-á."
"Ah, bē lah!" yi kek-tōng kóng. "Nā án-ne, lí m̄-sī chin-chiàⁿ ài góa! Lí nā kám-kak án-ne, tō bô ài góa!"
I koh tiām lo̍h-lâi, bīn kat-kat. Gōa-kháu kan-ta ū lo̍h-hō͘ siaⁿ.
"Che m̄-sī chin ê!" yi khin-siaⁿ kóng. "Che m̄-sī chin ê! Sū-si̍t m̄-sī án-ne." Yi kám-kak, i taⁿ pi-siong, chi̍t pō͘-hūn goân-in sī in-ūi yi boeh lī-khui i, kò͘-ì lī-khui khì Venice. Che hō͘ yi kám-kak sió-khóa hoaⁿ-hí.
Yi khiú-khui i ê saⁿ, hiàn-chhut i ê pak-tó͘, chim i ê tō͘-châi. Koh-lâi yi kā chhùi-phé ù-óa i ê pak-tó͘, siang-chhiú lám i he un-loán, tiām-chēng ê ē-io. In nn̄g-lâng ko͘-to̍k tī tōa-chúi tiong.
"Kă kóng, lí ài ū chi̍t-ê gín-á, hi-bāng ū!" yi ná nauh, ná kā bīn ù tī i ê pak-tó͘. "Kă kóng, lí boeh ài!"
"Ai-ah!" chòe-āu i kóng: yi kám-kak tio̍h i sin-thé ê kî-miāu chùn-tāng, hián-sī chhut ì-sek ê choán-piàn kap pàng-sang. "Ai-ah, góa ū-sî teh siūⁿ, nā ū lâng tī chia, tī thòaⁿ-kang tiong-kan chhì khòaⁿ-māi! In kang-chok chin chha, koh thàn bô chē. Nā ē-tàng kā in kóng: Mài siūⁿ siáⁿ chîⁿ ê tāi-chì. Iú-koan su-iàu, lán ê su-iàu bô chē. Lán mài ūi chîⁿ seng-oa̍h..."
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15.3 我想欲生一个囡仔
伊坐 tī 寮仔 nih, 現出詼洗 ê 面腔. M̄-koh, 甚至彼時, 伊 mā 有一个耳仔 teh 聽外口樹林 nih ê 風雨聲. 這予伊感覺誠孤單.
"M̄-koh, 彼敢袂結束?" 她講.
"Ái, 會 lah. 世界會救家己. 最後一个男子漢 hông 刣死, 所有 ê 人攏勼勼 lun-lun ê 時: 毋管白, 烏, 黃, 各色 ê 人攏勼勼 lun-lun ê 時: in tō 攏錯亂. 因為理智 ê 底蒂在 tī 膦核. In tō 攏錯亂, in tō 做 in 偉大 ê hóe-hêng (火刑, auto da fe). 你知, 火刑 tō 是信仰行動? Ái, 好 lah, in 會做 in 家己 ê 偉大 ê 小小 ê 信仰行動. In tō 互相獻出家己."
"你是講, 互相刣死?"
"是, 鴨咪仔! 咱若照今 ê 速度, tī 100 年 ê 時間, 這个島 tō 賰無一萬人: 凡勢無 10 人. In tō 攏充滿愛互相刣死." 雷公 ê 聲 lú 來 lú 遠.
"誠讚!" 她講.
"確實讚! 想著人類 ê 滅絕和 tī 其他物種出現進前 ê 彼段長長 ê 恬靜, 你 ê 心情 tō 比啥攏較平靜. 咱若繼續行這條路, 逐个攏 án-ne, 智識份子, 藝術家, 政府, 工業家和工人攏慌狂刣死人類最後 ê 感情, in 最後 ê 直覺, 最後 ê 健全本能; 若繼續像今 án-ne 以代數式 ê 進展: 人類定著會煞戲! 再會 lah! 愛人! 蛇吞掉家己, 留落一个空, 相當 ê 混亂, m̄-koh 毋是無望. 誠好! 到時野狗會 tī Wragby 吠, 野馬會 tī Tevershall 礦場行踏! 神 ah, 我呵咾你 (te deum laudamus)!
Connie 笑出來, m̄-koh 毋是真歡喜.
"若 án-ne, 你著歡喜, in 攏是 bolshevik 主義者," 她講. "你著歡喜, in 攏急急走向末日."
"我是 án-ne. 我無阻擋 in. Tō 講我欲, 我 mā 擋 in 袂牢."
"若 án-ne, 是按怎你悲傷?"
"我無! 若是我 ê 雞公最後 koh 啼, 我 mā 袂 chhap 伊."
"若是講, 你有一个囡仔 neh?" 她講.
伊頭 tìm 落.
"Ái-ah," 最後伊講. "在我看, tī 這个世界予囡仔出世, 是錯誤 koh 悲傷 ê 代誌."
"莫! 莫 án-ne 講! 莫 án-ne 講!" 她懇求. "我 teh 想欲生一个. Kă 講, 你真歡喜." 她 kā 手搭 tī 伊 ê 手頂.
"我真歡喜, 因為你歡喜," 伊講. "M̄-koh, 我認為, 這對不起彼个未出世 ê 囡仔."
"Ah, 袂 lah!" 她激動講. "若 án-ne, 你毋是真正愛我! 你若感覺 án-ne, tō 無愛我!"
伊 koh 恬落來, 面結結. 外口干焦有落雨聲.
"這毋是真 ê!" 她輕聲講. "這毋是真 ê! 事實毋是 án-ne." 她感覺, 伊今悲傷, 一部份原因是因為她欲離開伊, 故意離開去 Venice. 這予她感覺小可歡喜.
她搝開伊 ê 衫, 現出伊 ê 腹肚, 唚伊 ê 肚臍. Koh 來她 kā 喙䫌 ù 倚伊 ê 腹肚, 雙手攬伊彼溫暖, 恬靜 ê 下腰. In 兩人孤獨 tī 大水中.
"Kă 講, 你愛有一个囡仔, 希望有!" 她 ná nauh, ná kā 面 ù tī 伊 ê 腹肚. "Kă 講, 你欲愛!"
"Ai-ah!" 最後伊講: 她感覺著伊身體 ê 奇妙顫動, 顯示出意識 ê 轉變 kap 放鬆. "Ai-ah, 我有時 teh 想, 若有人 tī 遮, tī 炭工中間試看覓! In 工作真差, koh 趁無濟. 若會當 kā in 講: 莫想啥錢 ê 代誌. 有關需要, 咱 ê 需要無濟. 咱莫為錢生活..."
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15.3
He sat there in the hut, his face pulled to mocking irony. Yet even then, he had one ear set backwards, listening to the storm over the wood. It made him feel so alone.
‘But won’t it ever come to an end?’ she said.
‘Ay, it will. It’ll achieve its own salvation. When the last real man is killed, and they’re all tame: white, black, yellow, all colours of tame ones: then they’ll all be insane. Because the root of sanity is in the balls. Then they’ll all be insane, and they’ll make their grand auto da fe. You know auto da fe means act of faith? Ay, well, they’ll make their own grand little act of faith. They’ll offer one another up.’
‘You mean kill one another?’
‘I do, duckie! If we go on at our present rate then in a hundred years’ time there won’t be ten thousand people in this island: there may not be ten. They’ll have lovingly wiped each other out.’ The thunder was rolling further away.
‘How nice!’ she said.
‘Quite nice! To contemplate the extermination of the human species and the long pause that follows before some other species crops up, it calms you more than anything else. And if we go on in this way, with everybody, intellectuals, artists, government, industrialists and workers all frantically killing off the last human feeling, the last bit of their intuition, the last healthy instinct; if it goes on in algebraical progression, as it is going on: then ta-tah! to the human species! Goodbye! darling! the serpent swallows itself and leaves a void, considerably messed up, but not hopeless. Very nice! When savage wild dogs bark in Wragby, and savage wild pit-ponies stamp on Tevershall pit-bank! te deum laudamus!’
Connie laughed, but not very happily.
‘Then you ought to be pleased that they are all bolshevists,’ she said. ‘You ought to be pleased that they hurry on towards the end.’
‘So I am. I don’t stop ’em. Because I couldn’t if I would.’
‘Then why are you so bitter?’
‘I’m not! If my cock gives its last crow, I don’t mind.’
‘But if you have a child?’ she said.
He dropped his head.
‘Why,’ he said at last. ‘It seems to me a wrong and bitter thing to do, to bring a child into this world.’
‘No! Don’t say it! Don’t say it!’ she pleaded. ‘I think I’m going to have one. Say you’ll he pleased.’ She laid her hand on his.
‘I’m pleased for you to be pleased,’ he said. ‘But for me it seems a ghastly treachery to the unborn creature.’
‘Ah no!’ she said, shocked. ‘Then you can’t ever really want me! you can’t want me, if you feel that!’
Again he was silent, his face sullen. Outside there was only the threshing of the rain.
‘It’s not quite true!’ she whispered. ‘It’s not quite true! There’s another truth.’ She felt he was bitter now partly because she was leaving him, deliberately going away to Venice. And this half pleased her.
She pulled open his clothing and uncovered his belly, and kissed his navel. Then she laid her cheek on his belly and pressed her arm round his warm, silent loins. They were alone in the flood.
‘Tell me you want a child, in hope!’ she murmured, pressing her face against his belly. ‘Tell me you do!’
‘Why!’ he said at last: and she felt the curious quiver of changing consciousness and relaxation going through his body. ‘Why I’ve thought sometimes if one but tried, here among th’ colliers even! They’re workin’ bad now, an’ not earnin’ much. If a man could say to ’em: Dunna think o’ nowt but th’ money. When it comes ter wants, we want but little. Let’s not live for money — ’
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