17.7 Góa bē-sái hòng-khì, bē-sái hòng-khì i
Che hō͘ Connie chi̍t-ê giâm-tiōng ê táⁿ-kek. Chin khak-tēng ê sī, taⁿ yi tio̍h chhap ji̍p chit ê hā-chiān kap boah-o͘. Yi kám-kak siū-khì, i liân chi̍t-ê Bertha Coutts to khoán bē hó-sè: koh-khah bián-kóng ē lâi kap yi kiat-hun. Hoān-sè i chèng-keng ū bó͘-chióng hā-chiān ê kò-sèng. Connie siūⁿ tio̍h kap i chò-hóe ê chòe-āu hit mê, kui-sin ka-lún-sún. Hit-chióng bah-kám, i kèng-jiân hām Bertha Coutts mā bat ū kòe! Siūⁿ tio̍h tō boeh thò͘. Chòe hó sī lī-khui i, oân-choân kap i thoat-lī. Hoān-sè i sī chin-chiàⁿ pho͘-thong, chin-chiàⁿ hā-liû.
Yi tùi chit-ê tāi-chì chiok hoán-kám, soah chiâⁿ him-siān Guthrie chí-mōe yin m̄-bat sè-sū koh tan-sûn ê ko͘-niû pún-sèng. Taⁿ, yi chiok tam-sim lâng ē chai yi kap khàn-siú ê tāi-chì. He sī kóng-bē-chhut ê kiàn-siàu! Yi ià-hoân, tam-sim, koh kám-kak su-iàu tit-tio̍h cha̍p-chiok ê chun-tiōng, sīm-chì tit-tio̍h Guthrie chí-mōe he sông kah ē bâ-pì ê chun-tiōng. Clifford nā chai yi ê tāi-chì, he sī gōa-nī-á kóng-bē-chhut ê kiàn-siàu! Yi tam-sim, mā kiaⁿ siā-hōe hām he a-cha ê tiòng-siong. Yi chha-put-to hi-bāng ē-tàng the̍h-tiāu gín-á, chheng-tî it-chhè. Kán-tan kóng, yi hām-lo̍h chi̍t-ê lám-jio̍k bô-nāi ê chōng-thài.
Kóng tio̍h phang-chúi koàn, he sī yi ê gōng. Yi jím-put-chū gín-á-sèng, kā i siu tī thoah-á ê kúi tiâu chhiú-kin kap i ê siatchuh hiù phang-chúi, koh kā hit sió-koàn chhun chi̍t-pòaⁿ ê Coty’s Wood-violet phang-chúi lâu tī hia, hi-bāng i phīⁿ tio̍h phang-chúi tō ē siūⁿ tio̍h yi. Iah hun-thâu neh, he sī Hilda lâu lo̍h-lâi ê.
Yi jím-put-chū kā Duncan Forbes kóng chi̍t-kóa sim-sū, m̄-koh bô kóng-khí yi sī khàn-siú ê chêng-jîn, kan-ta kóng yi kah-ì i, koh kā Forbes kóng tio̍h hit-lâng ê kòe-khì.
"Oh," Forbes kóng, "lí tán leh khòaⁿ, bô kā hit-lâng bú-jio̍k koh phah pāi, in sī bē pàng i soah. I nā tī ū ki-hōe ê sî, bat kī-choa̍t peh ji̍p tiong-sán kai-kip; iū-koh i nā sī ûi-hō͘ ka-tī sèng-ài ê lâng, án-ne in tiāⁿ-tio̍h boeh phah-pāi i. Che sī in m̄ ín-chún i chò ê tāi-chì, sèng bē-sái hiah ti̍t-chiap, hiah thán-pe̍h. Lí ē-sái su-té-hā chho͘ koh chiān. Sū-si̍t siōng, lí tùi sèng lú chho͘, lú chiān, in lú hoaⁿ-hí. M̄-koh, lí nā chông-pài ka-tī ê sèng, bô jīn-ûi he sī hā-chiān: in tō boeh kā lí phah pāi. Siā-hōe iáu chûn-chāi tùi sèng ê gōng kìm-kī: sèng sī chi̍t-ê chū-jiân koh ki-pún ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. In m̄ chiap-siū che, lí nā chiap-siū che, in tō seng kā lí thâi-sí. Lí tán leh khòaⁿ, in ē lia̍h hit-lâng kā phah tó. Sū-si̍t siōng, i tàu-té kám ū chò siáⁿ? I nā hām in bó͘ chò-ài chin jia̍t-kông, i kám bô he khoân-lī? Yi tio̍h kám-kak êng-hēng ah. M̄-koh, lí khòaⁿ, sīm-chì chhiūⁿ hit-khoán chhàu-chiān káu-bó to hoán-khòng i, lī-iōng kûn-chiòng hoán-tùi sèng ê iá-káu pún-sèng, boeh kā i phah tó. Kóng tio̍h lí ê sèng, lí tio̍h suh-phīⁿ koh kám-kak ū-chōe a̍h khó-phà, chiah ē-sái thê-khí. Oh, in ē phah-tó hit-ê khó-liân ê ok-mô͘."
Taⁿ, Connie ū chi̍t-ê tian-tò hong-hiòng ê hoán-kám. I tàu-té kám ū chò siáⁿ? tî-liáu hō͘ yi ke̍k-tōa ê khoài-lo̍k kap chū-iû hām oa̍h-miā ê kám-kak, i ū tùi yi ka-tī, Connie, chò siáⁿ? I í-keng tháu-khui yi he un-loán, chū-jiân ê sèng ê chúi-lâu. Ūi tio̍h án-ne, in tō boeh kā phah tó.
M̄-tio̍h, bē-sái sī án-ne. Yi khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê hêng-iáⁿ, pe̍h-pe̍h ê lō͘-thé, pha̍k-âng ê bīn kap siang-chhiú, ba̍k-chiu hiòng ē-bīn khòaⁿ, ná kap i he khiàu khí-lâi ê lān-chiáu kóng-ōe, bē-su he sī lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê lâng, bīn siōng siám-sih tio̍h kî-koài ê khó-chhiò. Yi koh thiaⁿ tio̍h i ê siaⁿ: Lír ū sè-kài-it ê cha-bó͘ kha-chhng! Yi koh kám-kak tio̍h i ê chhiú un-loán koh un-jiû so hiòng yi ê āu-táu, so yi su-bi̍t ê só͘-chāi, ná-chhiūⁿ teh kā chiok-hok. Hit-ê un-loán chìn-ji̍p yi ê chú-kiong, sió-sió ê hóe-iām tī yi ê kha-thâu-u siám-sih, yi kóng: Oh, bē-sái, góa bē-sái hòng-khì! Góa bē-sái hòng-khì i. Góa, bô-lūn jû-hô, tio̍h ài chi-chhî i, pó-chhî góa ùi i hia tit-tio̍h ê. Sī i hō͘ góa un-loán kap kng-iām ê sèⁿ-miā. Che góa m̄ hòng-khì.
Yi chò chi̍t-ê chhóng-pōng ê tāi-chì, kià chi̍t tiuⁿ phe hō͘ Ivy Bolton, gia̍p chi̍t ê té-sìn hō͘ khàn-siú, koh chhiáⁿ Bolton Tt kau hō͘ i. Yi án-ne siá hō͘ i:
“Thiaⁿ tio̍h lín bó͘ kā lí jiá ê mâ-hoân, góa chin thòng-khó͘, chhiáⁿ lí mài kòa-ì he, he put-kò sī chi̍t-chióng sit-sim pēⁿ (hysteria). Tō ná i hut-jiân lâi, i mā ē chin kín tō kòe-khì. M̄-koh góa chhim-chhim kám-kak put-an, mā hi-bāng lí m̄-thang siuⁿ kòe chhau-sim. Chóng-sī, bô ta̍t-tit án-ne. Yi put-kò sī chi̍t-ê siūⁿ boeh siong-hāi lí ê sit-sim ê cha-bó͘. Koh 10 kang góa tō ē tńg-khì, hi-bāng sū-sū lóng ē sūn-lī."
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17.7 我袂使放棄, 袂使放棄伊
這予 Connie 一个嚴重 ê 打擊. 真確定 ê 是, 今她著 chhap 入這个下賤 kap 抹烏. 她感覺受氣, 伊連一个 Bertha Coutts 都款袂好勢: koh 較免講會來 kap 她結婚. 凡勢伊正經有某種下賤 ê 個性. Connie 想著 kap 伊做伙 ê 最後彼暝, 規身 ka-lún-sún. 彼種肉感, 伊竟然和 Bertha Coutts mā bat 有過! 想著 tō 欲吐. 最好是離開伊, 完全 kap 伊脫離. 凡勢伊是真正普通, 真正下流.
她對這个代誌足反感, 煞誠欣羨 Guthrie 姊妹姻 m̄-bat 世事 koh 單純 ê 姑娘本性. 今, 她足擔心人會知她 kap 看守 ê 代誌. 彼是講袂出 ê 見笑! 她厭煩, 擔心, koh 感覺需要得著十足 ê 尊重, 甚至得著 Guthrie 姊妹彼 sông kah 會麻痺 ê 尊重. Clifford 若知她 ê 代誌, 彼是 gōa-nī-á 講袂出 ê 見笑! 她擔心, mā 驚社會和彼 a-cha ê 中傷. 她差不多希望會當提掉囡仔, 清除一切. 簡單講, 她陷落一个荏弱無奈 ê 狀態.
講著芳水罐, 彼是她 ê 戇. 她忍不住囡仔性, kā 伊收 tī 屜仔 ê 幾條手巾 kap 伊 ê siatchuh hiù 芳水, koh kā 彼小罐賰一半 ê Coty’s Wood-violet 芳水留 tī 遐, 希望伊鼻著芳水 tō 會想著她. Iah 薰頭 neh, 彼是 Hilda 留落來 ê.
她忍不住 kā Duncan Forbes 講一寡心事, m̄-koh 無講起她是看守 ê 情人, 干焦講她佮意伊, koh kā Forbes 講著彼人 ê 過去.
"Oh," Forbes 講, "你等 leh 看, 無 kā 彼人侮辱 koh 拍敗, in 是袂放伊煞. 伊若 tī 有機會 ê 時, bat 拒絕 peh 入中產階級; 又 koh 伊若是維護家己性愛 ê 人, án-ne in 定著欲拍敗伊. 這是 in 毋允准伊做 ê 代誌, 性袂使 hiah 直接, hiah 坦白. 你會使私底下粗 koh 賤. 事實上, 你對性 lú 粗, lú 賤, in lú 歡喜. M̄-koh, 你若崇拜家己 ê 性, 無認為彼是下賤: in tō 欲 kā 你拍敗. 社會猶存在對性 ê 戇禁忌: 性是一个自然 koh 基本 ê 物件. In 毋接受這, 你若接受這, in tō 先 kā 你刣死. 你等 leh 看, in 會掠彼人 kā 拍倒. 事實上, 伊到底敢有做啥? 伊若和 in 某做愛真熱狂, 伊敢無彼權利? 她著感覺榮幸 ah. M̄-koh, 你看, 甚至像彼款臭賤狗母都反抗伊, 利用群眾反對性 ê 野狗本性, 欲 kā 伊拍倒. 講著你 ê 性, 你著欶鼻 koh 感覺有罪抑可怕, 才會使提起. Oh, in 會拍倒彼个可憐 ê 惡魔."
今, Connie 有一个顛倒方向 ê 反感. 伊到底敢有做啥? 除了予她極大 ê 快樂 kap 自由和活命 ê 感覺, 伊有對她家己, Connie, 做啥? 她已經敨開她彼溫暖, 自然 ê 性 ê 水流. 為著 án-ne, in tō 欲 kā 拍倒.
M̄-tio̍h, 袂使是 án-ne. 她看著伊 ê 形影, 白白 ê 露體, 曝紅 ê 面 kap 雙手, 目睭向下面看, ná kap 伊彼翹起來 ê 膦鳥講話, 袂輸彼是另外一个人, 面上閃爍著奇怪 ê 可笑. 她 koh 聽著伊 ê 聲: Lír 有 sè-kài-it ê 查某尻川! 她 koh 感覺著伊 ê 手溫暖 koh 溫柔挲向她 ê 後斗, 挲她私密 ê 所在, ná 像 teh kā 祝福. 彼个溫暖進入她 ê 子宮, 小小 ê 火焰 tī 她 ê 跤頭趺閃爍, 她講: Oh, 袂使, 我袂使放棄! 我袂使放棄伊. 我, 無論如何, 著愛支持伊, 保持我 ùi 伊遐得著 ê. 是伊予我溫暖 kap 光艷 ê 性命. 這我毋放棄.
她做一个 chhóng-pōng ê 代誌, 寄一張批予 Ivy Bolton, 挾一个短信予看守, koh 請 Bolton Tt 交予伊. 她 án-ne 寫予伊:
“聽著恁某 kā 你惹 ê 麻煩, 我真痛苦, 請你莫掛意彼, 彼不過是一種失心病 (hysteria). Tō ná 伊忽然來, 伊 mā 會真緊 tō 過去. M̄-koh 我深深感覺不安, mā 希望你毋通 siuⁿ 過操心. 總是, 無值得 án-ne. 她不過是一个想欲傷害你 ê 失心 ê 查某. Koh 10 工我 tō 會轉去, 希望事事攏會順利."
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17.7
This was a nasty blow to Connie. Here she was, sure as life, coming in for her share of the lowness and dirt. She felt angry with him for not having got clear of a Bertha Coutts: nay, for ever having married her. Perhaps he had a certain hankering after lowness. Connie remembered the last night she had spent with him, and shivered. He had known all that sensuality, even with a Bertha Coutts! It was really rather disgusting. It would be well to be rid of him, clear of him altogether. He was perhaps really common, really low.
She had a revulsion against the whole affair, and almost envied the Guthrie girls their gawky inexperience and crude maidenliness. And she now dreaded the thought that anybody would know about herself and the keeper. How unspeakably humiliating! She was weary, afraid, and felt a craving for utter respectability, even for the vulgar and deadening respectability of the Guthrie girls. If Clifford knew about her affair, how unspeakably humiliating! She was afraid, terrified of society and its unclean bite. She almost wished she could get rid of the child again, and be quite clear. In short, she fell into a state of funk.
As for the scent-bottle, that was her own folly. She had not been able to refrain from perfuming his one or two handkerchiefs and his shirts in the drawer, just out of childishness, and she had left a little bottle of Coty’s Wood-violet perfume, half empty, among his things. She wanted him to remember her in the perfume. As for the cigarette-ends, they were Hilda’s.
She could not help confiding a little in Duncan Forbes. She didn’t say she had been the keeper’s lover, she only said she liked him, and told Forbes the history of the man.
’Oh,’ said Forbes, ‘you’ll see, they’ll never rest till they’ve pulled the man down and done him in. If he has refused to creep up into the middle classes, when he had a chance; and if he’s a man who stands up for his own sex, then they’ll do him in. It’s the one thing they won’t let you be, straight and open in your sex. You can be as dirty as you like. In fact the more dirt you do on sex the better they like it. But if you believe in your own sex, and won’t have it done dirt to: they’ll down you. It’s the one insane taboo left: sex as a natural and vital thing. They won’t have it, and they’ll kill you before they’ll let you have it. You’ll see, they’ll hound that man down. And what’s he done, after all? If he’s made love to his wife all ends on, hasn’t he a right to? She ought to be proud of it. But you see, even a low bitch like that turns on him, and uses the hyena instinct of the mob against sex, to pull him down. You have a snivel and feel sinful or awful about your sex, before you’re allowed to have any. Oh, they’ll hound the poor devil down.’
Connie had a revulsion in the opposite direction now. What had he done, after all? what had he done to herself, Connie, but give her an exquisite pleasure and a sense of freedom and life? He had released her warm, natural sexual flow. And for that they would hound him down.
No no, it should not be. She saw the image of him, naked white with tanned face and hands, looking down and addressing his erect penis as if it were another being, the odd grin flickering on his face. And she heard his voice again: Tha’s got the nicest woman’s arse of anybody! And she felt his hand warmly and softly closing over her tail again, over her secret places, like a benediction. And the warmth ran through her womb, and the little flames flickered in her knees, and she said: Oh, no! I mustn’t go back on it! I must not go back on him. I must stick to him and to what I had of him, through everything. I had no warm, flamy life till he gave it me. And I won’t go back on it.
She did a rash thing. She sent a letter to Ivy Bolton, enclosing a note to the keeper, and asking Mrs Bolton to give it him. And she wrote to him:
‘I am very much distressed to hear of all the trouble your wife is making for you, but don’t mind it, it is only a sort of hysteria. It will all blow over as suddenly as it came. But I’m awfully sorry about it, and I do hope you are not minding very much. After all, it isn’t worth it. She is only a hysterical woman who wants to hurt you. I shall be home in ten days’ time, and I do hope everything will be all right.’
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