16.9 Chit-ê ám-mê yi o̍h chin chē
Chhia tī hia, bô lâng kāng, sió-khóa tàng lō͘-chúi. Hilda chē ji̍p-khì, hoat-tōng enjín. Lēng-gōa nn̄g lâng tī piⁿ-á tán.
"Góa ê ì-sù sī," yi ùi chhia-lāi kóng, "góa bô jīn-ûi, lín nn̄g-lâng ē kám-kak che ū tat-tit!"
"Bó͘ lâng ê hó-chia̍h mi̍h sī pa̍t-lâng ê to̍k-io̍h," o͘-àm tiong i kóng. "M̄-koh sī góa ê hó bah, hó chiú."
Chhia-teng chiò chhut-lâi.
"Connie, bîn-á-chá m̄-thang hō͘ góa tán."
"Bē, góa bē. Àm-an!"
Chhia bān-bān peh chiūⁿ kong-lō͘, sûi kín-kín cháu-khui, àm-mê iū-koh chēng lo̍h-lâi.
Connie kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ bán i ê chhiú ē-chat, nn̄g-lâng iân sió-lō͘ kiâⁿ tńg-khì. I bô kóng-ōe. Āu-lâi yi kā khiú tòng-tiām.
"Chim--góa!" yi nauh chi̍t-ē.
"Nái, tán leh! Tán góa khì siau chi̍t-ē," i kóng.
He hō͘ yi kám-kak hó-chhiò. Yi iáu sī bán i ê chhiú, in kín-kín kiâⁿ sió-lō͘, bô kóng-ōe. Taⁿ, yi chiâⁿ hoaⁿ-hí kap i chò-hóe. Siūⁿ tio̍h Hilda hiám-á kā yi thiah khui, yi khí chi̍t-chūn ka-lún-sún. I tiām kah bô-teh-kóng.
In tńg kàu chhun-sià ê sî, yi kiông boeh thiòng kah khí-tiô, yin a-chí í-keng koán yi bē tio̍h lah.
"Lí tùi Hilda chiâⁿ pháiⁿ," yi kā i kóng.
"Yi si̍t-chāi tio̍h hông siàn chhùi-phé."
"Sī án-chóaⁿ? Yi tùi góa chiâⁿ hó."
I bô ìn, lin-long se̍h teh chò àm-sî ê ka-sū, chēng-chēng, kha-chhiú liú-lia̍h. Gōa-piáu khòaⁿ i teh siū-khì, m̄-koh m̄-sī khì yi. Connie án-ne kám-kak. Siū-khì hō͘ i te̍k-pia̍t iân-tâu, chhim-khek koh kng-ku̍t, hō͘ yi sóng kah sù-ki bô-la̍t.
M̄-koh, i iáu sī bô chù-ì yi.
It-ti̍t kàu i chē lo̍h, tháu ê-tòa. Hit-sî i gia̍h-ba̍k khòaⁿ yi, ba̍k-bâi iáu ân-ân kat-tio̍h hùn-nō͘.
"Lír berh chiūⁿ-lâu bô?" i kóng. "Hia ū la̍h-chek!"
I kā thâu tāng chi̍t-ē, pí hiòng toh-téng teh to̍h ê la̍h-chek. Yi koai-koai khì gia̍h la̍h-chek, tng yi khai-sí chiūⁿ-lâu ê sî, i kim-kim khòaⁿ yi kha-chhng-phé hong-boán ê khiok-sòaⁿ.
He sī chhiong-móa bah-kám ê àm-mê, che hō͘ yi sió-khóa tio̍h-kiaⁿ koh m̄-chêng-goān: m̄-koh it-chài chha̍k--lâi ê bah-kám ê sóng-khoài, lóng kap un-jiû ê sóng bô-kāng, che khah lāi, khah heh-lâng, khiok-sī koh-khah siūⁿ boeh ài. Sui-jiân sió-khóa tio̍h-kiaⁿ, yi kì-chāi i pìⁿ, só͘-tì hit-chióng bô chiat-chè, bē kiàn-siàu ê bah-kám it-tit thàu kàu yi ê kin-té, kā yi pak kah kng-liu-liu, hō͘ yi piàn-chò chi̍t-ê sin ê cha-bó͘-lâng. Si̍t-chāi kóng, che m̄-sī ài, che mā m̄-sī hiâu. Che sī bah-kám ná hóe hiah lāi, hiah chha̍k, kā lêng-hûn tiám to̍h teh sio.
Tī siōng pì-bi̍t ê só͘-chāi sio tiāu kiàn-siàu, siōng chhim, siōng lāu ê kiàn-siàu. Án-ne, yi tō chīn-la̍t kì-chāi i, iōng i ê hong-hoat, chiàu i ê ì-sù kā pìⁿ. Yi tio̍h pī-tōng, phòe-ha̍p, ná-chhiūⁿ lô͘-lē, bah-thé ê lô͘-lē. M̄-koh jia̍t-chêng kui-sin chīⁿ yi, bôa yi, koh tng he bah-kám ê hóe-iām ah kòe yi ê tn̂g-tō͘ kap heng-chêng ê sî, yi chin-chiàⁿ siūⁿ-kóng yi boeh sí ah: khiok sī chi̍t-chióng thòng-khoài, sîn-kî ê sí-bông.
Yi chhiâng-chāi hòⁿ-kî Abélard sī siáⁿ ì-sù. Abélard kóng, tī i kap Heloise loân-ài hit nî, in ū kiâⁿ kòe jia̍t-chêng só͘-ū ê kai-tōaⁿ kap iù-lō͘. Che tō sī lah, chi̍t chheng nî chêng án-ne, chi̍t bān nî chêng mā án-ne! Kap tī Hi-lia̍p hoe-pân téng ê kāng-khoán, sì-kè lóng sī án-ne! Jia̍t-chêng ê iù-lō͘, bah-kám ê hòng-sù! Che tio̍h ū su-iàu, chóng-sī su-iàu sio-tiāu ke-sian ê kiàn-siàu, iûⁿ-tiāu siōng tāng ê sin-thé khòng-chio̍h, kā thê-liān kàu sûn-kiat. Tio̍h iōng sûn-chhùi bah-kám ê hóe.
Chit-ê té-té ê joa̍h-thiⁿ àm-mê, yi o̍h chin chē. Chá-chêng, yi siūⁿ-kóng cha-bó͘ ē in-ūi kiàn-siàu khì sí. M̄-sī án-ne, sí-khì ê sī kiàn-siàu. Kiàn-siàu put-kò sī kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ: bih tī lán bah-thé kin-té ê koaⁿ-lêng-tek ê kiàn-siàu, sī kó͘-ló í-lâi ê bah-thé kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, he kan-ta iōng bah-kám ê hóe chiah ū-hoat-tō͘ kā kóaⁿ-cháu. Chòe-āu, he koh hō͘ hit-lâng ê lān-chiáu phah-chhéⁿ, phah-pāi, chū án-ne, yi lâi kàu ka-tī ê ba̍t-nâ ê tiong-sim. Taⁿ, yi kám-kak, í-keng lâi kàu chū-kí pún-sèng ê chin-chiàⁿ ki-té, ki-pún-siōng bô siáⁿ thang kiàn-siàu ah-lah. Yi tō sī bah-kám ê ka-tī, thǹg kng-kng, bô kiàn-siàu. Yi kám-kak sèng-lī, kong-êng. Án-ne! Tāi-chì tō sī án-ne! Che tō sī sèⁿ-miā! Lán lâng tō sī án-ne! Bô siáⁿ thang am-khàm, bô siáⁿ thang kiàn-siàu. Yi kap chi̍t-ê cha-po͘, kap lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê lâng hun-hiáng thiat-té ê chhiah-sin.
Hit-lâng sī bô chiat-chè ê ok-mô͘! chin-chiàⁿ ná ok-mô͘! Bô kàu ióng ê lâng tòng i bē tiâu. M̄-koh, tio̍h chhì koh chhì chiah ē ta̍t-kàu bah-thé bi̍t-nâ ê tiong-sim, kàu koaⁿ-lêng-tek kiàn-siàu ê chòe-āu koh siōng chhim ê naih-o. Kan-ta lān-chiáu chiah thàm ē-tio̍h.
I kā yi teh kah hiah ân! In-ūi ē kiaⁿ, yi sī hiah-nī chheh he. M̄-koh, yi iū sī hiah-nī su-iàu he! Taⁿ yi chai lah. Tī yi lêng-hûn ê ē-té, kin-pún-siōng, yi sī su-iàu chit-chióng lān-chiáu ê chhut-chháu, su-té hā, yi su-iàu che, í-chá yi siūⁿ-kóng che éng-oán tit bē-tio̍h. Chit-má, hut-jiân-kan tit-tio̍h ah, chi̍t-ê cha-po͘ tng-teh kap yi hun-hiáng yi ê chòe-āu, chòe thiat-té ê chhiah-sin, yi bô teh kiàn-siàu.
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16.9 這个暗暝她學真濟
車 tī 遐, 無人 kāng, 小可凍露水. Hilda 坐入去, 發動 enjín. 另外兩人 tī 邊仔等.
"我 ê 意思是," 她 ùi 車內講, "我無認為, 恁兩人會感覺這有值得!"
"某人 ê 好食物是別人 ê 毒藥," 烏暗中伊講. "M̄-koh 是我 ê 好肉, 好酒."
車燈照出來.
"Connie, 明仔早毋通予我等."
"袂, 我袂. 暗安!"
車慢慢 peh 上公路, 隨緊緊走開, 暗暝又 koh 靜落來.
Connie 驚驚挽伊 ê 手下節, 兩人沿小路行轉去. 她無講話. 後來她 kā 搝擋恬.
"唚我!" 她 nauh 一下.
"Nái, 等 leh! 等我氣消一下," 伊講.
彼予她感覺好笑. 她猶是挽伊 ê 手, in 緊緊行小路, 無講話. 今, 她誠歡喜 kap 伊做伙. 想著 Hilda 險仔 kā 她拆開, 她起一陣 ka-lún-sún. 伊恬 kah 無 teh 講.
In 轉到村舍 ê 時, 她強欲暢 kah 起趒, 姻阿姊已經管她袂著 lah.
"你對 Hilda 誠歹," 她 kā 伊講.
"她實在著 hông 搧喙䫌."
"是按怎? 她對我誠好."
伊無應, lin-long 踅 teh 做暗時 ê 家事, 靜靜, 跤手扭掠. 外表看伊 teh 受氣, m̄-koh 毋是氣她. Connie án-ne 感覺. 受氣予伊特別緣投, 深刻 koh 光滑, 予她爽 kah 四肢無力.
M̄-koh, 伊猶是無注意她.
一直到伊坐落, 敨鞋帶. 彼時伊攑目看她, 目眉猶絚絚結著憤怒.
"Lír berh 上樓無?" 伊講. "遐有蠟燭!"
伊 kā 頭動一下, 比向桌頂 teh to̍h ê 蠟燭. 她乖乖去攑蠟燭, tng 她開始上樓 ê 時, 伊金金看她尻川䫌豐滿 ê 曲線.
彼是充滿肉感 ê 暗暝, 這予她小可著驚 koh 毋情願: m̄-koh 一再鑿來 ê 肉感 ê 爽快, 攏 kap 溫柔 ê 爽無仝, 這較利, 較嚇人, 卻是 koh 較想欲愛. 雖然小可著驚, 她據在伊 pìⁿ, 所致彼種無節制, 袂見笑 ê 肉感一直透到她 ê 根底, kā 她剝 kah 光溜溜, 予她變做一个新 ê 查某人. 實在講, 這毋是愛, 這 mā 毋是嬈. 這是肉感 ná 火 hiah 利, hiah 鑿, kā 靈魂點 to̍h teh 燒.
Tī 上祕密 ê 所在燒掉見笑, 上深, 上老 ê 見笑. Án-ne, 她 tō 盡力據在伊, 用伊 ê 方法, 照伊 ê 意思 kā pìⁿ. 她著被動, 配合, ná 像奴隸, 肉體 ê 奴隸. M̄-koh 熱情規身舐她, 磨她, koh tng 彼肉感 ê 火焰壓過她 ê 腸肚 kap 胸前 ê 時, 她真正想講她欲死 ah: 卻是一種痛快, 神奇 ê 死亡.
她常在好奇 Abélard 是啥意思. Abélard 講, tī 伊 kap Heloise 戀愛彼年, in 有行過熱情所有 ê 階段 kap 幼路. 這 tō 是 lah, 一千年前 án-ne, 一萬年前 mā án-ne! Kap tī 希臘花瓶頂 ê 仝款, 四界攏是 án-ne! 熱情 ê 幼路, 肉感 ê 放肆! 這著有需要, 總是需要燒掉假仙 ê 見笑, 熔掉上重 ê 身體礦石, kā 提煉到純潔. 著用純粹肉感 ê 火.
這个短短 ê 熱天暗暝, 她學真濟. 早前, 她想講查某會因為見笑去死. 毋是 án-ne, 死去 ê 是見笑. 見笑不過是驚惶: 覕 tī 咱肉體根底 ê 官能的 ê 見笑, 是古老以來 ê 肉體驚惶, 彼干焦用肉感 ê 火才有法度 kā 趕走. 最後, 彼 koh 予彼人 ê 膦鳥拍醒, 拍敗, 自 án-ne, 她來到家己 ê 密林 ê 中心. 今, 她感覺, 已經來到自己本性 ê 真正基底, 基本上無啥通見笑 ah-lah. 她 tō 是肉感 ê 家己, 褪光光, 無見笑. 她感覺勝利, 光榮. Án-ne! 代誌 tō 是 án-ne! 這 tō 是性命! 咱人 tō 是 án-ne! 無啥通掩崁, 無啥通見笑. 她 kap 一个查埔, kap 另外一个人分享徹底 ê 赤身.
彼人是無節制 ê 惡魔! 真正 ná 惡魔! 無夠勇 ê 人擋伊袂牢. M̄-koh, 著試 koh 試才會達到肉體密林 ê 中心, 到官能的見笑 ê 最後 koh 上深 ê naih 窩. 干焦膦鳥才探會著.
伊 kā 她硩 kah hiah 絚! 因為會驚, 她是 hiah-nī 慼彼. M̄-koh, 她又是 hiah-nī 需要彼! 今她知 lah. Tī 她靈魂 ê 下底, 根本上, 她是需要這種膦鳥 ê 出草, 私底下, 她需要這, 以早她想講這永遠得袂著. Chit-má, 忽然間得著 ah, 一个查埔 tng-teh kap 她分享她 ê 最後, 最徹底 ê 赤身, 她無 teh 見笑.
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16.9
The car stood untouched, a little dewy. Hilda got in and started the engine. The other two waited.
’All I mean,’ she said from her entrenchment, ‘is that I doubt if you’ll find it’s been worth it, either of you!’
’One man’s meat is another man’s poison,’ he said, out of the darkness. ‘But it’s meat an’ drink to me.’
The lights flared out.
’Don’t make me wait in the morning, Connie’
’No, I won’t. Goodnight!’
The car rose slowly on to the highroad, then slid swiftly away, leaving the night silent.
Connie timidly took his arm, and they went down the lane. He did not speak. At length she drew him to a standstill.
’Kiss me!’ she murmured.
’Nay, wait a bit! Let me simmer down,’ he said.
That amused her. She still kept hold of his arm, and they went quickly down the lane, in silence. She was so glad to be with him, just now. She shivered, knowing that Hilda might have snatched her away. He was inscrutably silent.
When they were in the cottage again, she almost jumped with pleasure, that she should be free of her sister.
’But you were horrid to Hilda,’ she said to him.
’She should ha’ been slapped in time.’
’But why? and she’s SO nice.’
He didn’t answer, went round doing the evening chores, with a quiet, inevitable sort of motion. He was outwardly angry, but not with her. So Connie felt. And his anger gave him a peculiar handsomeness, an inwardness and glisten that thrilled her and made her limbs go molten.
Still he took no notice of her.
Till he sat down and began to unlace his boots. Then he looked up at her from under his brows, on which the anger still sat firm.
’Shan’t you go up?’ he said. ‘There’s a candle!’
He jerked his head swiftly to indicate the candle burning on the table. She took it obediently, and he watched the full curve of her hips as she went up the first stairs.
It was a night of sensual passion, in which she was a little startled and almost unwilling: yet pierced again with piercing thrills of sensuality, different, sharper, more terrible than the thrills of tenderness, but, at the moment, more desirable. Though a little frightened, she let him have his way, and the reckless, shameless sensuality shook her to her foundations, stripped her to the very last, and made a different woman of her. It was not really love. It was not voluptuousness. It was sensuality sharp and searing as fire, burning the soul to tinder.
Burning out the shames, the deepest, oldest shames, in the most secret places. It cost her an effort to let him have his way and his will of her. She had to be a passive, consenting thing, like a slave, a physical slave. Yet the passion licked round her, consuming, and when the sensual flame of it pressed through her bowels and breast, she really thought she was dying: yet a poignant, marvellous death.
She had often wondered what Abélard meant, when he said that in their year of love he and Heloise had passed through all the stages and refinements of passion. The same thing, a thousand years ago: ten thousand years ago! The same on the Greek vases, everywhere! The refinements of passion, the extravagances of sensuality! And necessary, forever necessary, to burn out false shames and smelt out the heaviest ore of the body into purity. With the fire of sheer sensuality.
In the short summer night she learnt so much. She would have thought a woman would have died of shame. Instead of which, the shame died. Shame, which is fear: the deep organic shame, the old, old physical fear which crouches in the bodily roots of us, and can only be chased away by the sensual fire, at last it was roused up and routed by the phallic hunt of the man, and she came to the very heart of the jungle of herself. She felt, now, she had come to the real bed-rock of her nature, and was essentially shameless. She was her sensual self, naked and unashamed. She felt a triumph, almost a vainglory. So! That was how it was! That was life! That was how oneself really was! There was nothing left to disguise or be ashamed of. She shared her ultimate nakedness with a man, another being.
And what a reckless devil the man was! really like a devil! One had to be strong to bear him. But it took some getting at, the core of the physical jungle, the last and deepest recess of organic shame. The phallos alone could explore it.
And how he had pressed in on her! And how, in fear, she had hated it. But how she had really wanted it! She knew now. At the bottom of her soul, fundamentally, she had needed this phallic hunting out, she had secretly wanted it, and she had believed that she would never get it. Now suddenly there it was, and a man was sharing her last and final nakedness, she was shameless.
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