Tē 17 Chiong
17.1 Yi tī London pēng bô khoài-lo̍k
“Lí khòaⁿ, Hilda," chia̍h-tàu liáu, yin boeh óa London ê sî, Connie kóng, "lí lóng m̄-chai chin-chiàⁿ ê un-jiû a̍h chin-chiàⁿ ê bah-kám seⁿ-chò án-chóaⁿ: ká-sú lí bat hām kāng chi̍t-ê lâng keng-giām tio̍h chit nn̄g-hāng, he tō tōa-tōa bô kāng."
"Chò hó-sim, mài tī hia chhàu-tōaⁿ lí ê keng-giām!" Hilda kóng. "Góa iáu m̄-bat tú tio̍h ē-tàng pàng-tiāu ka-tī lâi kap cha-bó͘ chhin-bi̍t ê cha-po͘ lâng. Góa só͘ su-iàu ê tō sī he. Góa bô hi-hán in he chū-ngó͘ boán-chiok ê un-jiû kap in ê bah-kám. Góa m̄-goān chò cha-po͘ lâng hó-sńg ê thióng-bu̍t, a̍h sī i ê sóng-bah-ki. Góa ài ê sī oân-chéng ê chhin-bi̍t koan-hē, m̄-koh góa bô tit-tio̍h he. Góa í-keng khòaⁿ-phòa ah."
Connie chhim-su a-chí ê ōe. Oân-chéng ê chhin-bi̍t! Yi ká-siat he piáu-sī nn̄g lâng tiong-kan hián-sī kok-lâng ê sū-sū hāng-hāng hō͘ tùi-hong. M̄-koh án-ne si̍t-chāi chin hoân. Só͘-ū hiah-ê lâm-lú tiong-kan thó-ià ê chū-ngó͘ ì-sek! he sī chi̍t-chióng pēⁿ!
"Góa kám-kak lí tī pa̍t-lâng bīn-chêng chóng-sī siuⁿ chū-ngó͘," yi kā yin a-chí kóng.
"Góa hi-bāng, siōng bô góa bô lô͘-lē ê thian-sèng," Hilda kóng.
"M̄-koh, hoān-sè lí ū neh! Hoān-sè lí sī lí ka-tī chū-ngó͘ koan-liām ê lô͘-lē."
Hilda tiām-tiām sái-chhia chi̍t-khùn: chit-ê sió-mōe kèng-jiân kóng chit-khoán bô-lé ê ōe.
"Siōng-bô góa m̄-sī pa̍t-lâng tùi góa ê khòaⁿ-hoat ê lô͘-lē: iû-kî m̄-sī goán ang ê sin-lô tùi góa ê khòaⁿ-hoat ê lô͘-lē," chòe-āu yi hoán-pok, khì phut-phut.
"Lí chai, he m̄-sī án-ne," Connie pêng-chēng kóng.
Yi it-hiòng sī siū yin a-chí só͘ khòng-chè. Taⁿ, sui-jiân yi ê sim-nih teh thî-khàu, yi bô koh hō͘ pa̍t-ê cha-bó͘ só͘ khòng-chè. Ah! chit-chióng tāi-chì tō sī chi̍t-chióng tháu-pàng, tō ná tit-tio̍h sin ê sèⁿ-miā: ùi pa̍t-ê cha-bó͘ kî-koài ê sok-pa̍k kap khòng-chè kái-hòng chhut-lâi. Cha-bó͘-lâng ná ē hiah-nī khó-phà!
Yi chin hoaⁿ-hí tit-boeh kìⁿ tio̍h yin lāu-pē, lāu-pē it-hiòng chin sēng yi. Yi hām Hilda tòa tī Pall Mall ê lí-siā, lāu-pē Malcolm Sià tòa tī i ê klub. M̄-koh àm-sî i chhōa in nn̄g-ê cha-bó͘-kiáⁿ chhut-lâi, yin mā hoaⁿ-hí kap i chhut-lâi.
I iáu seⁿ-chò iân-tâu koh ióng-kiāⁿ, sui-bóng sió-khóa bē koàn-sì ùi sin-piⁿ bok chhut-lâi ê sin sè-kài. I tī Scotland chhōa chi̍t-ê āu-bó͘, pí i khah siàu-liân, khah hó-gia̍h. M̄-koh mā ē-tàng lī-khui yi, i tō sì-kè khì thit-thô: tō ná chhin-chhiūⁿ i kap in chêng-bó͘ kāng-khoán.
Tī koa-kio̍k-thiaⁿ, Connie chē tī i sin-piⁿ. I seⁿ-chò sió-khóa tōa-kho͘-pé, tōa-thúi mā chin chho͘, m̄-koh lóng iáu ióng koh kiat-si̍t, sī hiáng-siū kòe seng-oa̍h ê kiān-khong lâng ê tōa-thúi. I he hó-chhiò-khoe ê chū-su, kò͘-chip ê to̍k-li̍p-sèng, bô hoán-hóe ê bah-kám, tī Connie khòaⁿ lâi, chāi-chāi lóng tī i he ti̍t-long-long ê siang-thúi khòaⁿ ē chhut. Chi̍t-ê chin-lâm-chú! Taⁿ chiām-chiām nî-lāu ah, che sī siong-sim ê tāi-chì. In-ūi tī i he chho͘-ióng ê lâm-sèng kha-thúi, lóng bô kéng-chhéⁿ ê bín-kám kap un-jiû ê le̍k-liōng, hiah-ê sī chheng-chhun ê cheng-hôa, it-tàn ū kòe, éng-oán bē bô--khì.
Connie kak-chhéⁿ siang-thúi ê chûn-chāi. Yi kám-kak kha-thúi pí bīn-māu khah iàu-kín, bīn-māu bô koh hiah-nī chin-si̍t. Chin chió lâng ū oa̍h-miā koh lêng-bín ê siang-thúi. Yi khòaⁿ tōa-thiaⁿ nih ê cha-po͘-lâng. Phòng-sai-sai ê tōa-thúi chiⁿ tī o͘-sek phòng-pò͘ nih, a̍h-sī sán tek-ki lom tī o͘-sek song-sū-pò͘ nih, a̍h sī hó-khòaⁿ ê siàu-liân kha-thúi, m̄-koh bô siáⁿ-mih ì-gī, bô bah-kám, bô un-jiû, bô bín-kám, kan-ta sī sì-kè kiâⁿ-ta̍h ê phó͘-thong ê kha-thúi. Sīm-chì liân yin lāu-pē só͘-ū ê bah-kám mā bô. In lóng kiaⁿ-tio̍h, kiaⁿ kah bô koh chûn-chāi.
M̄-koh cha-bó͘-lâng bô kiaⁿ-tio̍h. Tōa-pō͘-hūn cha-bó͘ khó-phà ê tōa-thiāu! chiâⁿ heh-kiaⁿ lâng, kài sêng ē hāi-sí lâng! A̍h-sī khó-liân ê sán chhâ-ki! a̍h-sī chhēng tn̂g si-á-boe̍h ê chéng-chê ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, oân-choân bô sèⁿ-miā ê khoán-sè! Chiâⁿ khó-phà, kúi pah-bān bô ì-gī ê kha-thúi tī sì-kè bô ì-gī teh kiâⁿ-ta̍h!
M̄-koh yi tī London pēng bô khoài-lo̍k. Hia ê lâng ná-chhiūⁿ chin to-chhái mā khang-hi. M̄-koán in gōa khin-khoài koh hó-khòaⁿ, in bô oa̍h-tio̍h ê hēng-hok. It-chhè lóng sī pha-hng. M̄-koh Connie ū cha-bó͘-lâng bông-bo̍k tui-kiû hēng-hok ê sim, khak-pó hēng-hok ê sim.
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第 17 章
17.1 她 tī London 並無快樂
“你看, Hilda," 食晝了, 姻欲倚 London ê 時, Connie 講, "你攏毋知真正 ê 溫柔抑真正 ê 肉感生做按怎: 假使你 bat 和仝一个人經驗著這兩項, 彼 tō 大大無仝."
"做好心, 莫 tī 遐臭彈你 ê 經驗!" Hilda 講. "我猶 m̄-bat 拄著會當放掉家己來 kap 查某親密 ê 查埔人. 我所需要 ê tō 是彼. 我無稀罕 in 彼自我滿足 ê 溫柔 kap in ê 肉感. 我毋願做查埔人好耍 ê 寵物, 抑是伊 ê 爽肉機. 我愛 ê 是完整 ê 親密關係, m̄-koh 我無得著彼. 我已經看破 ah."
Connie 深思阿姊 ê 話. 完整 ê 親密! 她假設彼表示兩人中間顯示各人 ê 事事項項予對方. M̄-koh án-ne 實在真煩. 所有 hiah-ê 男女中間討厭 ê 自我意識! 彼是一種病!
"我感覺你 tī 別人面前總是 siuⁿ 自我," 她 kā 姻阿姊講.
"我希望, 上無我無奴隸 ê 天性," Hilda 講.
"M̄-koh, 凡勢你有 neh! 凡勢你是你家己自我觀念 ê 奴隸."
Hilda 恬恬駛車一睏: 這个小妹竟然講這款無禮 ê 話.
"上無我毋是別人對我 ê 看法 ê 奴隸: 尤其毋是阮翁 ê 辛勞對我 ê 看法 ê 奴隸," 最後她反駁, 氣 phut-phut.
"你知, 彼毋是 án-ne," Connie 平靜講.
她一向是受姻阿姊所控制. 今, 雖然她 ê 心 nih teh 啼哭, 她無 koh 予別个查某所控制. Ah! 這種代誌 tō 是一種敨放, tō ná 得著新 ê 性命: ùi 別个查某奇怪 ê 束縛 kap 控制解放出來. 查某人那會 hiah-nī 可怕!
她真歡喜得欲見著姻老爸, 老爸一向真 sēng 她. 她和 Hilda 蹛 tī Pall Mall ê 旅社, 老爸 Malcolm Sià 蹛 tī 伊 ê klub. M̄-koh 暗時伊 chhōa in 兩个查某囝出來, 姻 mā 歡喜 kap 伊出來.
伊猶生做緣投 koh 勇健, 雖罔小可袂慣勢 ùi 身邊 bok 出來 ê 新世界. 伊 tī Scotland 娶一个後某, 比伊較少年, 較好額. M̄-koh mā 會當離開她, 伊 tō 四界去 thit-thô: tō ná 親像伊 kap in 前某仝款.
Tī 歌劇廳, Connie 坐 tī 伊身邊. 伊生做小可大箍把, 大腿 mā 真粗, m̄-koh 攏猶勇 koh 結實, 是享受過生活 ê 健康人 ê 大腿. 伊彼好笑詼 ê 自私, 固執 ê 獨立性, 無反悔 ê 肉感, tī Connie 看來, 在在攏 tī 伊彼直 long-long ê 雙腿看會出. 一个真男子! 今漸漸年老 ah, 這是傷心 ê 代誌. 因為 tī 伊彼粗勇 ê 男性跤腿, 攏無警醒 ê 敏感 kap 溫柔 ê 力量, hiah-ê 是青春 ê 精華, 一旦有過, 永遠袂無--去.
Connie 覺醒雙腿 ê 存在. 她感覺跤腿比面貌較要緊, 面貌無 koh hiah-nī 真實. 真少人有活命 koh 靈敏 ê 雙腿. 她看大廳 nih ê 查埔人. 膨 sai-sai ê 大腿 chiⁿ tī 烏色膨布 nih, 抑是瘦竹枝 lom tī 烏色喪事布 nih, 抑是好看 ê 少年跤腿, m̄-koh 無啥物意義, 無肉感, 無溫柔, 無敏感, 干焦是四界行踏 ê 普通 ê 跤腿. 甚至連姻老爸所有 ê 肉感 mā 無. In 攏驚著, 驚 kah 無 koh 存在.
M̄-koh 查某人無驚著. 大部份查某可怕 ê 大柱! 誠嚇驚人, kài 成會害死人! 抑是可憐 ê 瘦柴枝! 抑是穿長絲仔襪 ê 整齊 ê 物件, 完全無性命 ê 款勢! 誠可怕, 幾百萬無意義 ê 跤腿 tī 四界無意義 teh 行踏!
M̄-koh 她 tī London 並無快樂. 遐 ê 人 ná 像真多彩 mā 空虛. 毋管 in 偌輕快 koh 好看, in 無活著 ê 幸福. 一切攏是拋荒. M̄-koh Connie 有查某人盲目追求幸福 ê 心, 確保幸福 ê 心.
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Chapter 17
17.1
’You see, Hilda,’ said Connie after lunch, when they were nearing London, ‘you have never known either real tenderness or real sensuality: and if you do know them, with the same person, it makes a great difference.’
’For mercy’s sake don’t brag about your experiences!’ said Hilda. ‘I’ve never met the man yet who was capable of intimacy with a woman, giving himself up to her. That was what I wanted. I’m not keen on their self-satisfied tenderness, and their sensuality. I’m not content to be any man’s little petsy-wetsy, nor his CHAIR À PLAISIR either. I wanted a complete intimacy, and I didn’t get it. That’s enough for me.
Connie pondered this. Complete intimacy! She supposed that meant revealing everything concerning yourself to the other person, and his revealing everything concerning himself. But that was a bore. And all that weary self-consciousness between a man and a woman! a disease!
’I think you’re too conscious of yourself all the time, with everybody,’ she said to her sister.
’I hope at least I haven’t a slave nature,’ said Hilda.
’But perhaps you have! Perhaps you are a slave to your own idea of yourself.’
Hilda drove in silence for some time after this piece of unheard of insolence from that chit Connie.
’At least I’m not a slave to somebody else’s idea of me: and the somebody else a servant of my husband’s,’ she retorted at last, in crude anger.
’You see, it’s not so,’ said Connie calmly.
She had always let herself be dominated by her elder sister. Now, though somewhere inside herself she was weeping, she was free of the dominion of OTHER WOMEN. Ah! that in itself was a relief, like being given another life: to be free of the strange dominion and obsession of OTHER WOMEN. How awful they were, women!
She was glad to be with her father, whose favourite she had always been. She and Hilda stayed in a little hotel off Pall Mall, and Sir Malcolm was in his club. But he took his daughters out in the evening, and they liked going with him.
He was still handsome and robust, though just a little afraid of the new world that had sprung up around him. He had got a second wife in Scotland, younger than himself and richer. But he had as many holidays away from her as possible: just as with his first wife.
Connie sat next to him at the opera. He was moderately stout, and had stout thighs, but they were still strong and well-knit, the thighs of a healthy man who had taken his pleasure in life. His good-humoured selfishness, his dogged sort of independence, his unrepenting sensuality, it seemed to Connie she could see them all in his well-knit straight thighs. Just a man! And now becoming an old man, which is sad. Because in his strong, thick male legs there was none of the alert sensitiveness and power of tenderness which is the very essence of youth, that which never dies, once it is there.
Connie woke up to the existence of legs. They became more important to her than faces, which are no longer very real. How few people had live, alert legs! She looked at the men in the stalls. Great puddingy thighs in black pudding-cloth, or lean wooden sticks in black funeral stuff, or well-shaped young legs without any meaning whatever, either sensuality or tenderness or sensitiveness, just mere leggy ordinariness that pranced around. Not even any sensuality like her father’s. They were all daunted, daunted out of existence.
But the women were not daunted. The awful mill-posts of most females! really shocking, really enough to justify murder! Or the poor thin pegs! or the trim neat things in silk stockings, without the slightest look of life! Awful, the millions of meaningless legs prancing meaninglessly around!
But she was not happy in London. The people seemed so spectral and blank. They had no alive happiness, no matter how brisk and good-looking they were. It was all barren. And Connie had a woman’s blind craving for happiness, to be assured of happiness.
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