16.4 Pài-sì chá-khí, Hilda chún-sî lâi kàu-ūi
Connie thêng-khùn yi ê khang-khòe.
"Sīm-chì lín ang, lí mā tio̍h ná gín-á án-ne tùi-thāi i, ko͘-chiâⁿ i?" yi mn̄g, ná khòaⁿ lēng-gōa hit-ê cha-bó͘.
Bolton Tt mā thêng lo̍h-lâi.
"Hmh!" yi kóng. "Tùi i, góa mā tio̍h hó-hó kā ko͘-chiâⁿ. M̄-koh, góa tio̍h kóng, I chóng-sī chai-iáⁿ góa tui-kiû ê sī siáⁿ. M̄-koh, it-poaⁿ i lóng ē niū--góa."
"I kám bē kek lāu-iâ a̍h thâu-ke ê phài-thâu?"
"Bē! M̄-koh, ū-sî góa khòaⁿ i ê ba̍k-sek bô-kāng, tō chai-iáⁿ góa tio̍h niū i ah. Tān-sī, thong-siông lóng sī i niū góa. Bē lah, i bē kek lāu-iâ a̍h thâu-ke phài-thâu lah. M̄-koh, góa mā bē. Góa chai, góa ē-tàng tùi i ngē kàu tó-ūi, kàu hia góa tō niū i: sui-bóng ū-sî góa tio̍h pàng kóa tiāu."
"Lí nā kè-sio̍k kap i tùi-ke̍h, ē án-chóaⁿ?"
"Oh, góa mā m̄-chai, góa m̄-bat án-ne chò. Sīm-chì i m̄-tio̍h, i nā kò͘-chip, góa tō niū i. Lí khòaⁿ, góa bô-ài phò-hāi goán tiong-kan ê koan-hē. Lí nā tùi cha-po͘-lâng kian-chhî lí ê ì-chì, it-chhè tō oân loh. Lí nā kòa-ì chi̍t-ê cha-po͘-lâng, tī i kian-chhî ê sî, lí tio̍h niū i; m̄-koán lí tio̍h a̍h m̄-tio̍h, lí lóng tio̍h niū. Nā bô, lí tō ē phò-hāi koan-hē. M̄-koh, góa mā tio̍h kóng, Ted ū-sî khòaⁿ góa ū koat-ì, sui-bóng góa m̄-tio̍h, i mā ē niū góa. Só͘-í, góa siūⁿ, che sī hō͘-siong ê būn-tê."
"Lí tùi só͘-ū lí ê hoān-chiá mā lóng án-ne sioh?" Connie mn̄g.
"Oh, he bô kāng. Góa kin-pún bē án-ne kòa-ì in. Góa chai, in ê lī-ek tī tó, a̍h-sī kóng, góa siūⁿ pān-hoat khì chai, jiân-āu góa tō chīn-la̍t ūi in ê lī-ek khì chò. Che hām tùi lí só͘ kah-ì ê lâng bô kāng, chin bô kāng. Lí nā bat chin-sim kah-ì chi̍t-ê lâng, lí tō ē-tàng chin-chêng tùi chha-put-to ta̍k-ê lâng, chí-iàu hit-lâng chin-chiàⁿ su-iàu lí. M̄-koh che sī bô kāng. Lí pēng bô chin-chiàⁿ kòa-ì. Góa hoâi-gî, it-tàn lí chin-sim kòa-ì kòe, lí kám ū khó-lêng koh khì kòa-ì pa̍t-lâng."
Chiah-ê ōe hō͘ Connie chin tio̍h-kiaⁿ.
"Lí jīn-ûi, lán kan-ta ē-tàng kòa-ì chi̍t-kái?" yi mn̄g.
"A̍h-sī chi̍t-kái mā bô. Tōa pō͘-hūn ê cha-bó͘ m̄-bat kòa-ì, liân khai-sí mā bô. Yin m̄-chai he sī siáⁿ. Cha-po͘ mā m̄-chai. M̄-koh, góa nā khòaⁿ tio̍h cha-bó͘ teh kòa-ì, góa ê sim tō tông-chêng yi."
"Lí ū kám-kak, cha-po͘ chin ài giâ-sèng-tē bô?"
"Sī ah! Lí nā siong tio̍h in ê chū-chun-sim. M̄-koh, cha-bó͘ kám m̄-sī mā kāng-khoán? Chí-sī, chit nn̄g-chióng lâng ê chū-chun-sim bô kāng."
Connie siūⁿ chit-ê ōe. Yi khai-sí tùi boeh lī-khui ê tāi-chì kám-kak iú-lī. Chóng-kóng, yi kám m̄-sī tiau-kang boeh lī-khui yi ê ài-jîn, sui-bóng sî-kan bô tn̂g? Hit-lâng mā chai che. Só͘-í i chiah ē hiah ku-koài koh gê-sé.
Chóng--sī! jîn-seng tōa-pō͘-hūn iáu-sī siū tio̍h gōa-chāi khoân-kéng ê ki-lêng só͘ khòng-chè. Yi tō-sī tī chit-chióng ki-lêng ê ui-le̍k lāi-bīn. Yi bô khó-lêng tī gō͘ hun-cheng lāi thoat-sin. Yi mā bô siūⁿ boeh án-ne.
Pài-sì chá-khí, Hilda chún-sî lâi kàu-ūi, sái nn̄g-lâng chō ê khin-piān khì-chhia, hêng-lí-siuⁿ tiâu-tiâu pa̍k tī chhia āu-táu. Yi kap pêng-sî kāng-khoán, toan-chong koh tāi-toān, m̄-koh yi mā-sī ū yi ka-tī ê ì-chì. Yi kò-jîn ê ì-chì kian-koat, che yin ang siōng chai. M̄-koh, yin ang chit-má tng-teh kap yi pān lī-hun. Tān-sī, yi sīm-chì hong-piān i khì pān, sui-bóng yi pēng bô khè-hiaⁿ. Bo̍k-chêng, yi bô kau-pôe cha-po͘-lâng. Yi chin boán-chiok chò ka-tī ê chú-lâng, chò nn̄g-ê gín-á ê chú-lâng; yi boeh kā gín-á ‘hó-hó’ chhiâⁿ-iáng tōa-hàn, m̄-koán che tāi-piáu siáⁿ ì-sù.
Connie mā kan-ta ē-tàng chah chi̍t-kiāⁿ hêng-lí. M̄-koh yi ū seng kià chi̍t-kiāⁿ hō͘ yin lāu-pē, lāu-pē boeh chē hóe-chhia. Bô pit-iàu chah chhia khì Venice. Chhit-goe̍h tī Italia sái-chhia siuⁿ joa̍h. Yin lāu-pē boeh chē hóe-chhia khah sù-sī. I tú-chiah ùi Scotland lo̍h-lâi.
Án-ne, Hilda, ná-chhiūⁿ chong-giâm ê tōa goân-sòe, an-pâi hó-sè lí-tô͘ ê chióng-chióng. Taⁿ, yi hām Connie chē tī lâu-téng ê pâng-keng khai-káng.
"M̄-koh, Hilda!" Connie kóng, sim kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ. "E-àm góa boeh tī hū-kīn keh-mê. M̄-sī chia: sī hū-kīn!"
Hilda iōng he phú-sek, sîn-pì ê ba̍k-chiu lia̍h sió-mōe kim-kim khòaⁿ. Yi ná chin tìn-chēng: yi mā chhiâng-chāi lia̍h-kông.
"Tó-ūi, hū-kīn?" yi un-hô kā mn̄g.
"Hm, lí chai góa ài tio̍h chi̍t-ê lâng, sī bô?"
"Che góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut."
"Hm, i tòa chit hū-kīn, góa boeh kap i kòe che chòe-āu chi̍t àm. Góa tio̍h khì, góa í-keng ū tah-èng."
Connie piàn kah chin kian-tēng.
Hilda lê-thâu tiām-tiām, ná tì-hūi lú-sîn Minerva. Jiân-āu gia̍h-ba̍k khòaⁿ.
"Lí boeh kă kóng, he sī siáng bô?" yi kóng.
"I sī goán ê la̍h-tiûⁿ khàn-siú," Connie ti-ti tu̍h-tu̍h, bīn âng-kì-kì, ná chhiūⁿ kiàn-siàu ê gín-á.
"Connie!" Hilda kóng, sió-khóa khí-gīn kā phīⁿ gia̍h koân: che sī ùi yin lāu-bú o̍h lâi ê chu-sè.
"Góa chai: m̄-koh i lâng chin-chiàⁿ chin hó. I chin-chiàⁿ liáu-kái án-chóaⁿ un-jiû," Connie kóng, chhì-thàm thè hit-lâng piān-kái.
--
16.4 拜四早起, Hilda 準時來到位
Connie 停睏她 ê khang-khòe.
"甚至恁翁, 你 mā 著 ná 囡仔 án-ne 對待伊, ko͘-chiâⁿ 伊?" 她問, ná 看另外彼个查某.
Bolton Tt mā 停落來.
"Hmh!" 她講. "對伊, 我 mā 著好好 kā ko͘-chiâⁿ. M̄-koh, 我著講, 伊總是知影我追求 ê 是啥. M̄-koh, 一般伊攏會讓我."
"伊敢袂激老爺抑頭家 ê 派頭?"
"袂! M̄-koh, 有時我看伊 ê 目色無仝, tō 知影我著讓伊 ah. 但是, 通常攏是伊讓我. 袂 lah, 伊袂激老爺抑頭家派頭 lah. M̄-koh, 我 mā 袂. 我知, 我會當對伊硬到佗位, 到遐我 tō 讓伊: 雖罔有時我著放寡掉."
"你若繼續 kap 伊對 ke̍h, 會按怎?"
"Oh, 我 mā 毋知, 我 m̄-bat án-ne 做. 甚至伊毋著, 伊若固執, 我 tō 讓伊. 你看, 我無愛破害阮中間 ê 關係. 你若對查埔人堅持你 ê 意志, 一切 tō 完 loh. 你若掛意一个查埔人, tī 伊堅持 ê 時, 你著讓伊; 毋管你著抑毋著, 你攏著讓. 若無, 你 tō 會破害關係. M̄-koh, 我 mā 著講, Ted 有時看我有決意, 雖罔我毋著, 伊 mā 會讓我. 所以, 我想, 這是互相 ê 問題."
"你對所有你 ê 患者 mā 攏 án-ne sioh?" Connie 問.
"Oh, 彼無仝. 我根本袂 án-ne 掛意 in. 我知, in ê 利益 tī 佗, 抑是講, 我想辦法去知, 然後我 tō 盡力為 in ê 利益去做. 這和對你所佮意 ê 人無仝, 真無仝. 你若 bat 真心佮意一个人, 你 tō ē-tàng 真情對差不多逐个人, 只要彼人真正需要你. M̄-koh 這是無仝. 你並無真正掛意. 我懷疑, 一旦你真心掛意過, 你敢有可能 koh 去掛意別人."
Chiah-ê 話予 Connie 真著驚.
"你認為, 咱干焦會當掛意一改?" 她問.
"抑是一改 mā 無. 大部份 ê 查某 m̄-bat 掛意, 連開始 mā 無. 姻毋知彼是啥. 查埔 mā 毋知. M̄-koh, 我若看著查某 teh 掛意, 我 ê 心 tō 同情她."
"你有感覺, 查埔真愛夯性地無?"
"是 ah! 你若傷著 in ê 自尊心. M̄-koh, 查某敢毋是 mā 仝款? 只是, 這兩種人 ê 自尊心無仝."
Connie 想這个話. 她開始對欲離開 ê 代誌感覺有利. 總講, 她敢毋是刁工欲離開她 ê 愛人, 雖罔時間無長? 彼人 mā 知這. 所以伊才會 hiah 龜怪 koh gê-sé.
總是! 人生大部份猶是受著外在環境 ê 機能所控制. 她 tō 是 tī 這種機能 ê 威力內面. 她無可能 tī 五分鐘內脫身. 她 mā 無想欲 án-ne.
拜四早起, Hilda 準時來到位, 駛兩人座 ê 輕便汽車, 行李箱牢牢縛 tī 車後斗. 她 kap 平時仝款, 端莊 koh 大段, m̄-koh 她 mā 是有她家己 ê 意志. 她個人 ê 意志堅決, 這姻翁上知. M̄-koh, 姻翁 chit-má tng-teh kap 她辦離婚. 但是, 她甚至方便伊去辦, 雖罔她並無契兄. 目前, 她無交陪查埔人. 她真滿足做家己 ê 主人, 做兩个囡仔 ê 主人; 她欲 kā 囡仔 '好好' 晟養大漢, 毋管這代表啥意思.
Connie mā 干焦會當扎一件行李. M̄-koh 她有先寄一件予姻老爸, 老爸欲坐火車. 無必要扎車去 Venice. 七月 tī Italia 駛車 siuⁿ 熱. 姻老爸欲坐火車較四序. 伊拄才 ùi Scotland 落來.
Án-ne, Hilda, ná 像莊嚴 ê 大元帥, 安排好勢旅途 ê 種種. 今, 她和 Connie 坐 tī 樓頂 ê 房間開講.
"M̄-koh, Hilda!" Connie 講, 心驚驚. "下暗我欲 tī 附近隔暝. 毋是遮: 是附近!"
Hilda 用彼殕色, 神祕 ê 目睭掠小妹金金看. 她 ná 真鎮靜: 她 mā 常在掠狂.
"佗位, 附近?" 她溫和 kā 問.
"Hm, 你知我愛著一个人, 是無?"
"這我看會出."
"Hm, 伊蹛這附近, 我欲 kap 伊過這最後一暗. 我著去, 我已經有答應."
Connie 變 kah 真堅定.
Hilda 犁頭恬恬, ná 智慧女神 Minerva. 然後攑目看.
"你欲 kă 講, 彼是 siáng 無?" 她講.
"伊是阮 ê 獵場看守," Connie ti-ti tu̍h-tu̍h, 面紅 kì-kì, ná 像見笑 ê 囡仔.
"Connie!" Hilda 講, 小可起 gīn kā 鼻攑懸: 這是 ùi 姻老母學來 ê 姿勢.
"我知: m̄-koh 伊人真正真好. 伊真正了解按怎溫柔," Connie 講, 試探替彼人辯解.
--
16.4
Connie paused in her occupation.
’Even your husband, did you have to manage him, and wheedle him like a baby?’ she asked, looking at the other woman.
Mrs Bolton paused too.
’Well!’ she said. ‘I had to do a good bit of coaxing, with him too. But he always knew what I was after, I must say that. But he generally gave in to me.’
’He was never the lord and master thing?’
’No! At least there’d be a look in his eyes sometimes, and then I knew I’D got to give in. But usually he gave in to me. No, he was never lord and master. But neither was I. I knew when I could go no further with him, and then I gave in: though it cost me a good bit, sometimes.’
’And what if you had held out against him?’
’Oh, I don’t know, I never did. Even when he was in the wrong, if he was fixed, I gave in. You see, I never wanted to break what was between us. And if you really set your will against a man, that finishes it. If you care for a man, you have to give in to him once he’s really determined; whether you’re in the right or not, you have to give in. Else you break something. But I must say, Ted ‘ud give in to me sometimes, when I was set on a thing, and in the wrong. So I suppose it cuts both ways.’
’And that’s how you are with all your patients?’ asked Connie.
’Oh, That’s different. I don’t care at all, in the same way. I know what’s good for them, or I try to, and then I just contrive to manage them for their own good. It’s not like anybody as you’re really fond of. It’s quite different. Once you’ve been really fond of a man, you can be affectionate to almost any man, if he needs you at all. But it’s not the same thing. You don’t really CARE. I doubt, once you’ve REALLY cared, if you can ever really care again.’
These words frightened Connie.
’Do you think one can only care once?’ she asked.
’Or never. Most women never care, never begin to. They don’t know what it means. Nor men either. But when I see a woman as cares, my heart stands still for her.’
’And do you think men easily take offence?’
’Yes! If you wound them on their pride. But aren’t women the same? Only our two prides are a bit different.’
Connie pondered this. She began again to have some misgiving about her gag away. After all, was she not giving her man the go-by, if only for a short time? And he knew it. That’s why he was so queer and sarcastic.
Still! the human existence is a good deal controlled by the machine of external circumstance. She was in the power of this machine. She couldn’t extricate herself all in five minutes. She didn’t even want to.
Hilda arrived in good time on Thursday morning, in a nimble two-seater car, with her suit-case strapped firmly behind. She looked as demure and maidenly as ever, but she had the same will of her own. She had the very hell of a will of her own, as her husband had found out. But the husband was now divorcing her. Yes, she even made it easy for him to do that, though she had no lover. For the time being, she was ‘off’ men. She was very well content to be quite her own mistress: and mistress of her two children, whom she was going to bring up ‘properly’, whatever that may mean.
Connie was only allowed a suit-case, also. But she had sent on a trunk to her father, who was going by train. No use taking a car to Venice. And Italy much too hot to motor in, in July. He was going comfortably by train. He had just come down from Scotland.
So, like a demure arcadian field-marshal, Hilda arranged the material part of the journey. She and Connie sat in the upstairs room, chatting.
’But Hilda!’ said Connie, a little frightened. ‘I want to stay near here tonight. Not here: near here!’
Hilda fixed her sister with grey, inscrutable eyes. She seemed so calm: and she was so often furious.
’Where, near here?’ she asked softly.
’Well, you know I love somebody, don’t you?’
’I gathered there was something.’
’Well he lives near here, and I want to spend this last night with him must! I’ve promised.’
Connie became insistent.
Hilda bent her Minerva-like head in silence. Then she looked up.
’Do you want to tell me who he is?’ she said.
’He’s our game-keeper,’ faltered Connie, and she flushed vividly, like a shamed child.
’Connie!’ said Hilda, lifting her nose slightly with disgust: a motion she had from her mother.
’I know: but he’s lovely really. He really understands tenderness,’ said Connie, trying to apologize for him.
--
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