7.2 反抗 ê 火開始 to̍h

7.2 Hoán-khòng ê hóe khai-sí to̍h

M̄-koh, Clifford m̄-sī án-ne. In hit cho̍k ê lâng lóng m̄-sī án-ne. In ê lāi-sim kian-tēng, bô-chêng, tùi in lâi kóng, un-chêng sī bô phín-bī ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Lí tio̍h kè-sio̍k léng-khok, kò͘ tiâu ka-tī ê tē-ūi; lín nā lóng sio̍k kāng kai-kip, kāng ka-cho̍k, che tō bô būn-tê. Nā án-ne, lí tō ē-sái ûi-chhî léng-tām, koh siū tio̍h chun-kèng, kò͘ tiâu ka-tī, hiáng-siū pó-siú ê boán-chio̍k. M̄-koh, lí nā sī pa̍t-ê kai-kip, pa̍t-ê ka-cho̍k, tō bē-sái án-ne; kan-ta kò͘ tiâu ka-tī koh siūⁿ kóng lí sī thóng-tī kai-kip, che tō bô hó-sńg. Sīm-chì siōng khiáu ê kùi-cho̍k to tùi ûi-chhî ka-tī ê tē-ūi bô chek-ke̍k, in ê thóng-tī put-kò sī nāu-kio̍k, kin-pún to m̄-sī siáⁿ-mih thóng-tī, che ná ū siáⁿ ì-gī? Che put-kò sī bô-liâu ê nāu-kio̍k niā-niā.

Hoán-khòng ê hóe khai-sí to̍h tī Connie ê sim. Che ū siáⁿ hó neh? Yi ê hi-seng, yi hòng-hiàn sèⁿ-miā hō Clifford ū siáⁿ hó neh? Yi ê ho̍k-bū tàu-té ū siáⁿ ì-gī?

Chia ū ê sī léng-léng ê hi-hoa khì-hūn, bô un-loán ê jîn-tō chiap-chhiok, che tō ná ē-chân Iû-thài lâng ê sit-tek, to̍k-to̍k siūⁿ boeh bē-sin hō͘ Sêng-kong káu-bó-sîn. Sīm-chì Clifford hiah-nī léng-tām, ko͘-ta̍k, chū-sìn ka-tī sī thóng-tī kai-kip, i mā bián-put-liáu làu ná thó͘-chi̍h, ná chhoán-phīⁿ-phēⁿ tòe káu-bó-sîn cháu. Chóng-kóng, chit chân tāi-chì Michaelis khah ū chun-giâm, koh tōa-tōa sêng-kong. Kóng chin ê, lí nā siông-sè khòaⁿ Clifford, i sī chi̍t ê thiú-á, jî-chhiáⁿ thiú-á pí chháu-pau koh-khah hā-liû.

Tī chit nn̄g ê cha-po͘ tiong-kan, Michaelis pí Clifford tùi yi koh-khah ū-iōng. I mā pí Clifford koh-khah su-iàu yi.

Jīm-hô hó hō͘-sū lóng ē-hiáu chiàu-kò͘ siang-kha sit-lêng ê lâng! Iah nā in ê phah-piàⁿ neh, Michaelis sī niáu-chhí eng-hiông, Clifford sī tián-gâu ê káu-á.

Chhù nih ū lâng-kheh lâi tòa, kî-tiong chi̍t ê sī Clifford in A-ko͘ Eva Bennerley Hu-jîn. Yi sī chi̍t ê sán cha-bó͘, 60 hòe, phīⁿ-á âng-âng, í-keng chiú-kóa, iáu chin ū kùi-hu-jîn ê pān-sè. Yi chhut-sin miâ-mn̂g, mā chin ū miâ-mn̂g ê khì-chit. Connie chin kah-ì yi, yi chin-sim ê sî piáu-hiān kah chin tan-sûn, chin sêng-khún, gōa-piáu siōng chin jîn-chû. Tī sim lāi-té, yi chin gâu ûi-chhî ka-tī ê tē-ūi, chóng-sī kā pa̍t-lâng khòaⁿ khah kē. Yi m̄-sī sáng-sè ê lâng: in-ūi yi tùi ka-tī chin ū sìn-sim. Tī siā-kau tiûⁿ, yi siōng gâu pó-chhî ka-tī ê tē-ūi, koh ē-hiáu kā pa̍t-lâng ah-kē lo̍h-khì.

Yi tùi Connie chin hó, iōng yi chhut-sin miâ-mn̂g ê koan-chhat-le̍k, siūⁿ boeh iōng chiam-chǹg chhì-thàm Connie chit-ê cha-bó͘ ê lêng-hûn.

"Góa kám-kak lí chiâⁿ liáu-put-khí," yi kā Connie kóng. "Lí ūi Clifford chò chin chē. Góa m̄-bat tú tio̍h thian-châi, taⁿ i tō sī, si̍t-si̍t chāi-chāi ê thian-châi." Eva A-ko͘ tùi Clifford ê sêng-kong chio̍k o-ló. In-ūi che sī in ka-cho̍k ê kong-êng! Iah nā Clifford siá ê chheh neh, yi kin-pún to bô koan-sim; sī án-chóa yi tio̍h koan-sim neh?

"Oh, góa siūⁿ he m̄-sī in-ūi góa," Connie kóng.

"Tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī! M̄-sī pa̍t-lâng ê kong-lô. Góa kám-kak lí bô tit-tio̍h siáⁿ pó͘-siông."

"Án-chóaⁿ kóng?"

"Khòaⁿ lí hông koaiⁿ tī chia. Góa kā Clifford kóng, chi̍t kang hit-ê gín-ná nā hoan-pōan, lí tio̍h chai sí-oa̍h lah!"

"M̄-koh, Clifford pēng bô kī-choa̍t góa siáⁿ-mih," Connie kóng.

"Lí khòaⁿ, góa ê koai gín-á" -- Bennerley Hj [Hu-jîn] chhun-chhiú hōaⁿ Connie ê chhiú-kó͘-thâu. "Cha-bó͘-lâng tio̍h ūi ka-tī oa̍h, nā-bô tō ē hoán-hóe bô oa̍h kòe." Yi koh sip chi̍t-ē brandy-chiú, hoān-sè che tō-sī yi ê hoán-hóe.

"M̄-koh góa ū ūi ka-tī oa̍h, kám bô?"

"Góa khòaⁿ m̄-sī án-ne! Clifford tio̍h chhōa lí khì London, hō͘ lí khì se̍h-se̍h leh. I hiah-ê pêng-iú lóng sī i ê, tùi lí ū siáⁿ iōng? Nā chò sī góa, chē góa bē boán-ì. Lí ē lōng-hùi chheng-chhun, kàu lāu-nî, sīm-chì tī tiong-liân, lí tō ē hiō-hóe."

Siū tio̍h brandy-chiú ê chok-iōng, chit ê kùi-hū chū án-ne hām-ji̍p tîm-sū ê tiām-chēng.

M̄-koh Connie pēng bô jia̍t-sim boeh khì London, bô siūⁿ boeh hō͘ Bennerley Hj chhōa-ji̍p hit-chióng sin-phài ê sè-kài. Yi bô kám-kak he sī sin-phài, yi tùi he mā bô chhù-bī. Yi kan-ta kám-kak he lāi-té ū te̍k-pia̍t hō͘ lâng ē tó-kiu ê hân-léng; tō ná Labrador ê thô͘-jióng, piáu-bīn ū hoaⁿ-hí ê sió hoe, thô͘-té chi̍t chhioh, khiok sī kiat-peng.

Tommy Dukes koh lâi Wragby, iáu-koh ū lêng-gōa ê lâng, Harry Winterslow, koh Jack Strangeways hām in bó͘ Olive. In ê khai-káng bô siáⁿ soah-phah, bô chhiūⁿ sí-tóng khai-káng án-ne, só͘-í ta̍k-ê láng kám-kak tām-pō-á bô-liâu, thiⁿ-khì koh bô-hó, kan-ta ē-tàng sńg lòng-kiû, a̍h-sī pàng khe̍k-pôaⁿ lâi thiàu-bú.

Olive teh tha̍k chi̍t pún koan-î bī-lâi ê chheh, kóng ē-sái iōng koàn-á chai-pôe âng-eⁿ-á, cha-bó͘-lâng tō ē-sái "bián thoa-bôa".

"Án-ne chiâⁿ hó!" yi kóng. "Án-ne cha-bo͘ tō ē-tàng kòe ka-tī ê seng-oa̍h." Strangeways ài boeh ū gín-á, yi bô ài.

"Lí án-chóaⁿ kah-ì bián thoa-bôa?" Winterslow mn̄g yi, kek chi̍t ê koài chhiò.

"Tong-jiân, góa kah-ì án-ne," yi ìn. "Chóng-kóng, bī-lâi ē khah ha̍p-lí, cha-bó͘ tō m̄-bián koh siū tio̍h seng-sán ê kong-lêng lâi thoa-bôa."

"Hoān-sè yin ē sóng-khoài kah poe chiūⁿ thiⁿ," Dukes kóng.

"Góa jīn-ûi, chhiong-hun ê bûn-bêng tio̍h kiám-chió bah-thé ê chiòng-gāi," Clifford kóng. "Só͘-ū, pí-lūn kóng, sèng-ài ê tāi-chì, mā ē-sái bián ah. Lán nā ē-tàng iōng koàn-á chai-pôe âng-eⁿ-á, tō m̄-bián he."

"M̄-tio̍h!" Olive kóng. "He sī boah hō͘ lán koh-khah hó-sńg."

"Góa siūⁿ," Bennerley Hj ná tīm-su ná kóng, "nā bô sèng-ài, tio̍h ū pa̍t-hāng lâi tāi-thè. Chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng, mô͘-hui. Khong-khì lāi-té ū tām-pō-á mô͘-hui. Án-ne, lâng-lâng tō lóng ē-tàng kám-kak chiâⁿ sóng-khoài."

--

7.2 反抗 ê 火開始 to̍h

M̄-koh, Clifford 毋是 án-ne. In 彼族 ê 人攏毋是 án-ne. In ê 內心堅定, 無情, 對 in 來講, 溫情是無品味 ê 物件. 你著繼續冷酷, 顧牢家己 ê 地位; 恁若攏屬仝階級, 仝家族, 這 tō 無問題. 若 án-ne, 你 tō ē-sái 維持冷淡, koh 受著尊敬, 顧牢家己, 享受保守 ê 滿足. M̄-koh, 你若是別个階級, tō bē-sái án-ne; 干焦顧牢家己 koh 想講你是統治階級, 這 tō 無好耍. 甚至上巧 ê 貴族都對維持家己 ê 地位無積極, in ê 統治不過是鬧劇, 根本都毋是啥物統治, 這那有啥意義? 這不過是無聊 ê 鬧劇 niā-niā.

反抗 ê 火開始 to̍h tī Connie ê 心. 這有啥好 neh? 她 ê 犠牲, 她奉獻性命予 Clifford 有啥好 neh? 她 ê 服務到底有啥意義?

遮有 ê 是冷冷 ê 虛華, 無溫暖 ê 人道接觸, 這 tō ná 下層猶太人 ê 失德, 獨獨想欲賣身予成功狗母神. 甚至 Clifford hiah-nī 冷淡, 孤 ta̍k, 自信家己是統治階級, 伊 mā 免不了 ná 吐舌, ná 喘 phīⁿ-phēⁿ 綴狗母神走. 總講, 這層代誌 Michaelis 較有尊嚴, koh 大大成功. 講真 ê, 你若詳細看 Clifford, 伊是一个丑仔, 而且丑仔比草包 koh 較下流.

Tī 這兩个查埔中間, Michaelis 比 Clifford 對她 koh 較有用. 伊 mā 比 Clifford koh 較需要她.

任何好護士攏 ē-hiáu 照顧雙跤失能 ê 人! Iah 若 in ê 拍拚 neh, Michaelis 是 niáu 鼠英雄, Clifford 是展 gâu ê 狗仔.

厝 nih 有人客來蹛, 其中一个是 Clifford in 阿姑 Eva Bennerley 夫人. 她是一个瘦查某, 60 歲, 鼻仔紅紅, 已經守寡, 猶真有貴夫人 ê 範勢. 她出身名門, mā 真有名門 ê 氣質. Connie 真佮意她, 她真心 ê 時表現 kah 真單純, 外表上真仁慈. Tī 心內底, 她真 gâu 維持家己 ê 地位, 總是 kā 別人看較低. 她毋是聳勢 ê 人: 因為她對家己真有信心. Tī 社交場, 她上 gâu 保持家己 ê 地位, koh ē-hiáu kā 別人壓低落去.

她對 Connie 真好, 用她出身名門 ê 觀察力, 想欲用針鑽刺探 Connie 這个查某 ê 靈魂.

"我感覺你誠了不起," 她 kā Connie 講. "你為 Clifford 做真濟. 我 m̄-bat 拄著天才, 今伊 tō 是, 實實在在 ê 天才." Eva 阿姑對 Clifford ê 成功足 o-ló. 因為這是 in 家族 ê 光榮! Iah 若 Clifford 寫 ê 冊 neh, 她根本都無關心; 是按怎她著關心 neh?

"Oh, 我想彼毋是因為我," Connie 講.

"定著是! 毋是別人 ê 功勞. 我感覺你無得著啥補償."

"按怎講?"

"看你 hông 關 tī 遮. 我 kā Clifford 講, 一工彼个囡仔若反叛, 你著知死活 lah!"

"M̄-koh, Clifford 並無拒絕我啥物," Connie 講.

"你看, 我 ê 乖囡仔" -- Bennerley Hj [夫人] 伸手扞 Connie ê 手股頭. "查某人著為家己活, 若無 tō 會反悔無活過." 她 koh sip 一下 brandy 酒, 凡勢這 tō 是她 ê 反悔.

"M̄-koh 我有為家己活, 敢無?"

"我看毋是 án-ne! Clifford 著 chhōa 你去 London, 予你去 se̍h-se̍h leh. 伊 hiah-ê 朋友攏是伊 ê, 對你有啥用 ? 若做是我, 這我袂滿意. 你會浪費青春, 到老年, 甚至 tī 中年, 你 tō 會後悔."

受著 brandy 酒 ê 作用, 這个貴婦自 án-ne 陷入沉思 ê 恬靜.

M̄-koh Connie 並無熱心欲去 London, 無想欲予 Bennerley Hj chhōa 入彼種新派 ê 世界. 她無感覺彼是新派, 她對彼 mā 無趣味. 她干焦感覺彼內底有特別予人會倒勼 ê 寒冷; tō ná Labrador ê 土壤, 表面有歡喜 ê 小花, 土底一尺, 卻是結冰.

Tommy Dukes koh 來 Wragby, 猶 koh 有另外 ê 人, Harry Winterslow, koh Jack Strangeways 和 in 某 Olive. In ê 開講無啥紲拍, 無像死黨開講 án-ne, 所以逐个人感覺淡薄仔無聊, 天氣 koh 無好, 干焦 ē-tàng 耍挵球, 抑是放曲盤來跳舞.

Olive teh 讀一本關於未來 ê 冊, 講 ē-sái 用罐仔栽培紅嬰仔, 查某人 tō ē-sái "免拖磨".

"Án-ne 誠好!" 她講. "Án-ne 查某 tō ē-tàng 過家己 ê 生活." Strangeways 愛欲有囡仔, 她無愛.

"你按怎佮意免拖磨?" Winterslow 問她, 激一个怪笑.

"當然, 我佮意 án-ne," 她應. "總講, 未來會較合理, 查某 tō 毋免 koh 受著生產 ê 功能來拖磨."

"凡勢姻會爽快 kah 飛上天," Dukes 講.

"我認為, 充分 ê 文明著減少肉體 ê 障礙," Clifford 講. "所有, 比論講, 性愛 ê 代誌, mā ē-sái 免 ah. 咱若 ē-tàng 用罐仔栽培紅嬰仔, tō 毋免彼."

"毋著!" Olive 講. "彼是予咱 koh 較好耍."

"我想," Bennerley Hj ná 沉思 ná 講, "若無性愛, 著有別項來代替. 親像講, mô͘-hui. 空氣內底有淡薄仔 mô͘-hui. Án-ne, 人人 tō 攏 ē-tàng 感覺誠爽快."

--

7.2

But Clifford was not like that. His whole race was not like that. They were all inwardly hard and separate, and warmth to them was just bad taste. You had to get on without it, and hold your own; which was all very well if you were of the same class and race. Then you could keep yourself cold and be very estimable, and hold your own, and enjoy the satisfaction of holding it. But if you were of another class and another race it wouldn’t do; there was no fun merely holding your own, and feeling you belonged to the ruling class. What was the point, when even the smartest aristocrats had really nothing positive of their own to hold, and their rule was really a farce, not rule at all? What was the point? It was all cold nonsense.

A sense of rebellion smouldered in Connie. What was the good of it all? What was the good of her sacrifice, her devoting her life to Clifford? What was she serving, after all?

A cold spirit of vanity, that had no warm human contacts, and that was as corrupt as any low-born Jew, in craving for prostitution to the bitch-goddess, Success. Even Clifford’s cool and contactless assurance that he belonged to the ruling class didn’t prevent his tongue lolling out of his mouth, as he panted after the bitch-goddess. After all, Michaelis was really more dignified in the matter, and far, far more successful. Really, if you looked closely at Clifford, he was a buffoon, and a buffoon is more humiliating than a bounder.

As between the two men, Michaelis really had far more use for her than Clifford had. He had even more need of her.

Any good nurse can attend to crippled legs! And as for the heroic effort, Michaelis was a heroic rat, and Clifford was very much of a poodle showing off.

There were people staying in the house, among them Clifford’s Aunt Eva, Lady Bennerley. She was a thin woman of sixty, with a red nose, a widow, and still something of a grande DAME. She belonged to one of the best families, and had the character to carry it off. Connie liked her, she was so perfectly simple and frank, as far as she intended to be frank, and superficially kind. Inside herself she was a past-mistress in holding her own, and holding other people a little lower. She was not at all a snob: far too sure of herself. She was perfect at the social sport of coolly holding her own, and making other people defer to her.

She was kind to Connie, and tried to worm into her woman’s soul with the sharp gimlet of her well-born observations.

’You’re quite wonderful, in my opinion,’ she said to Connie. ‘You’ve done wonders for Clifford. I never saw any budding genius myself, and there he is, all the rage.’ Aunt Eva was quite complacently proud of Clifford’s success. Another feather in the family cap! She didn’t care a straw about his books, but why should she?

’Oh, I don’t think it’s my doing,’ said Connie.

’It must be! Can’t be anybody else’s. And it seems to me you don’t get enough out of it.’

’How?’

’Look at the way you are shut up here. I said to Clifford: If that child rebels one day you’ll have yourself to thank!’

’But Clifford never denies me anything,’ said Connie.

’Look here, my dear child’—and Lady Bennerley laid her thin hand on Connie’s arm. ‘A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it. Believe me!’ And she took another sip of brandy, which maybe was her form of repentance.

’But I do live my life, don’t I?’

’Not in my idea! Clifford should bring you to London, and let you go about. His sort of friends are all right for him, but what are they for you? If I were you I should think it wasn’t good enough. You’ll let your youth slip by, and you’ll spend your old age, and your middle age too, repenting it.’

Her ladyship lapsed into contemplative silence, soothed by the brandy.


But Connie was not keen on going to London, and being steered into the smart world by Lady Bennerley. She didn’t feel really smart, it wasn’t interesting. And she did feel the peculiar, withering coldness under it all; like the soil of Labrador, which his gay little flowers on its surface, and a foot down is frozen.

Tommy Dukes was at Wragby, and another man, Harry Winterslow, and Jack Strangeways with his wife Olive. The talk was much more desultory than when only the cronies were there, and everybody was a bit bored, for the weather was bad, and there was only billiards, and the pianola to dance to.

Olive was reading a book about the future, when babies would be bred in bottles, and women would be ‘immunized’.

’Jolly good thing too!’ she said. ‘Then a woman can live her own life.’ Strangeways wanted children, and she didn’t.

’How’d you like to be immunized?’ Winterslow asked her, with an ugly smile.


’I hope I am; naturally,’ she said. ‘Anyhow the future’s going to have more sense, and a woman needn’t be dragged down by her FUNCTIONS.’

’Perhaps she’ll float off into space altogether,’ said Dukes.

’I do think sufficient civilization ought to eliminate a lot of the physical disabilities,’ said Clifford. ‘All the love-business for example, it might just as well go. I suppose it would if we could breed babies in bottles.’


’No!’ cried Olive. ‘That might leave all the more room for fun.’


’I suppose,’ said Lady Bennerley, contemplatively, ‘if the love-business went, something else would take its place. Morphia, perhaps. A little morphine in all the air. It would be wonderfully refreshing for everybody.’

--

7.1 她看家己 tī 鏡 nih ê 裸體

Tē 7 Chiong

7.1 Yi khòaⁿ ka-tī tī kiàⁿ nih ê lō͘-thé

Connie tńg kàu pâng-keng ê sî, yi chò chi̍t hāng chin kú bô chò ê tāi-chì: kā saⁿ thǹg-kng-kng, khòaⁿ ka-tī tī tōa kiàⁿ nih ê lō͘-thé. Yi m̄-chāi yi sī boeh khòaⁿ siáⁿ, a̍h-sī boeh chhōe siáⁿ, m̄-koh yi kā teng sóa-tāng, hō͘ teng-kng chiò tio̍h yi ê choân-sin.

Yi siūⁿ, yi tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ ka-tī siūⁿ, lâng bô chhēng-saⁿ, sin-khu sī gōa-nī-á nńg-chiáⁿ, lám-sin, koh khó-liân; ká-ná bô oân-chèng, bô oân-sêng!

Kòe-khì yi ū chin hó ê sin-châi, m̄-koh taⁿ í-keng kòe-sî ah: siuⁿ cha-bó͘ thé, bô-kàu chhin-chhiūⁿ chheng-chhun siàu-liân-ke. Yi bô koân, é-é ná Scotland lâng; m̄-koh yi ū bó͘ chióng hong-ūn, he ē-sái kóng sī chiâⁿ súi. Yi ê phôe-hu sió-khóa chhià-chhià, kha-chhiú lóng chin ún-tàng, sin-khu ē-sái kóng ū chi̍t chióng pá-tīⁿ, liû-sūn ê hong-boán; m̄-koh iáu khiàm bó͘-chióng mi̍h-kiāⁿ.

Chit-chióng kiat-si̍t, liû-tāng ê sòaⁿ-tiâu iáu-bōe sêng-se̍k, yi ê sin-thé piàn pêⁿ, sió-khóa piàn chho͘. Che ná chhin-chhiūⁿ sī khiàm pha̍k-ji̍t, khiàm un-loán; piàn-chò sió-khóa phú-phú, ta-ta.

Chit chióng cha-bó͘-thé hō͘ lâng si̍t-bōng, i bô chhin-chhiūⁿ siàu-liân-ke ê nńg-lio̍h kap thàu-bêng; taⁿ i piàn-chò bē thang-kng.

Yi ê nn̄g-lia̍p leng sè-sè, sûi-lo̍h ná lâi-á hêng. M̄-koh in iáu-bōe sêng-se̍k, iáu khó͘-sia̍p, bô-ì-bô-ì tiàu tī hia. Yi ê pak-tó͘ í-keng bô yi iáu siàu-liân ê sî hit-chióng chheng-sin, îⁿ-móa ê kong-chhái, hit-sî yi ê Tek-kok lâm-iú hui-siông kah-ì yi ê bah-thé. Hit-sî ê pak-tó͘ iáu siàu-liân, chhiong-móa hi-bāng, ū i ka-tī ê bīn-bo̍k. Taⁿ, pak-tó͘ sang-sang, sió-khóa pêⁿ-pêⁿ, sán-sán, sán-kah liap-liap. Yi ê nn̄g-ki tōa-thúi, kāng-khoán, kòe-khì in ū lú-sèng ê pá-tīⁿ, khòaⁿ khí-lâi liú-ia̍h koh kng-ku̍t, taⁿ in mā lóng pêⁿ-tháⁿ lo̍h-lâi, sang-sang, bô-ì-bô-sù.

Yi ê sin-thé lú lâi lú bô ì-sù, lú tūn, lú bē thang-kng, piàn bô siáⁿ ì-gī ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Án-ne hō͘ yi kám-kak tōa-tōa ê ut-chut koh sit-bōng. Ná ū siáⁿ hi-bāng ah? Yi lāu loh, 27 hōe tō lāu loh, bah-thé bô kng-ku̍t, bô kong-chhái. Piàn lāu sī in-ūi so͘-hut kap khòaⁿ-khin, tio̍h, khòaⁿ-khin. Tòe sî-kiâⁿ ê cha-bó͘ lóng chù-tiōng chiàu-kò͘ gōa-piáu, kā sin-thé kò͘ kah kng-ku̍t ná iù-hûi. Hûi-á lāi-té bô siáⁿ; m̄-koh yi bô chit-chióng kng-liāng. Ah, cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h! Hut-jiân kan, yi chiok oàn-chheh cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h, he sī phiàn lâng!

Yi koh khòaⁿ iáu chi̍t ê kiàⁿ nih ka-tī ê kha-chiah-āu, ē-io, kap kha-chhng-táu. Yi lú lâi lú sán, m̄-koh yi bô kám-kak tio̍h. Yi oa̍t-sin khòaⁿ ê sî, khoaⁿ tio̍h āu-piah io ê jiâu-hûn sôe-sôe; kóe-khì he khòaⁿ khí-lâi sī chiok chheng-sóng. Yi ê kha-āu-táu kap kha-chhng-phé ê ti̍t-hiòng siâ-tō͘ í-keng bô kong-chhái, sit-khì pá-tīⁿ ê kám-kak. Lóng bô ah lah! Kan-ta Tek-kok lâm-iú bat ài kòe che, i í-keng sí boeh 10 nî loh. Sî-kan kòe liáu chin kín! Sí 10 nî, taⁿ yi chiah 27 hōe. Hit ê kiān-khong siàu-liân-ke ê sin-sian, pūn-tūn ê sèng-ài, hit-sî hō͘ yi chiâⁿ khòaⁿ-khin! Taⁿ he boeh tó khì chhōe ah? Cha-pō͘-lâng í-keng bô che ah lah.

In kan-ta ū khó-liân, 2 bió-cheng ê ka-lún-sún, ná Michaelis; bô hit-chióng ē-tàng un-loán hoeh-mē, sóng-khoài choân-sin ê kiān-khong jîn-lūi ê sèng-ài.

Yi iáu sī kám-kak ka-tī siōng súi ê sī ùi kha-chiah-āu lap-o ti̍t-hiong lak kàu kha-chhng-táu hit ê pō͘-hūn, kap hit nn̄g pho̍k teh tuh-ku, chēng-chēng ê kha-chhng-phé. Ná chhiūⁿ Arab lâng kóng ê, sī ū un-jiû, tn̂g-tn̂g lo̍h-kē siâ-pho ê soa-chhiu. Sèⁿ-miā tī chia iáu kià ū hi-bāng. M̄-koh, tī chia, yi siau-sán, chheⁿ-chíⁿ, khó͘-siat.

M̄-koh sin-khu ê thâu-chêng-bīn hō͘ yi chiâⁿ kiàn-siàu. He khai-sí lok-sōng, lok-sōng koh sán, kiông boeh kiu khì, iáu-bōe chin-chiàⁿ oa̍h tio̍h tō í-keng lāu ah. Yi siūⁿ tio̍h yi hoān-sè boeh seⁿ ê gín-á. Yi kám sek-ha̍p seⁿ-kiá?

Yi chhēng hó khùn-saⁿ, tó tī bîn-chhn̂g, khàu kah chin siong-sim. Siong-sim ê tiong-kan, yi ū chi̍t pak hūn-hóe sio hiòng Clifford, i ê siá-chok kap i ê giân-gí: sio hiòng só͘-ū chhiūⁿ i hit-khoán khi-phiàn cha-bó͘, chau-that yin ê sin-khu ê cha-po͘-lâng.

Bô kong-pêng! Bô kong-pêng! Sin-thé chiok bô kong-pêng ê kám-kak sio kàu yi ê lêng-hūn lāi-té.

M̄-koh, kàu chá-khí, yi iáu sī 7 tiám khí-chhn̂g, lo̍h-lâu lâi Clifford chia, pang i chhú-lí sé-tn̄g, ōaⁿ-saⁿ ê tāi-chì, in-ūi i bô lâm-po̍k, mā bô-ài lú-po̍k pang i chò chiah-ê. Chū sè-hàn tō khòaⁿ Clifford kàu tōa, koán-ke yin ang ē thè i chò khah chho͘-tāng ê khang-khòe; Connie hū-chek chò Clifford su-jîn ê tāi-chì, che yi chò kah hoaⁿ-hí-kam-goān. Sûi-jiân chia̍h-la̍t, m̄-koh yi lóng jīn-chin koh chīn-la̍t kā chò.

Só͘-í yi chin hán-tit lī-khui Wragby, ū lī-khui, mā kan-ta sī 1-2 kang; hit sî tō iû koán-kē Betts Tt [Thài-thài] lâi chiàu-kò͘ Clifford. Clifford in-ūi tio̍h lâng kā ho̍k-bū, kú--lâi, tùi Connie ê ho̍k-sāi kám-kak sī eng-kai ê. I ē án-ne siūⁿ, mā sī chin chū-jiân.

M̄-koh, tī Connie ê sim-koaⁿ nih, chi̍t pak bô kong-pêng, pī khi-phiàn ê hóe khai-sí teh sio. It-tān jio̍k-thé kám-kak tio̍h bô kong-pêng, che sī chi̍t-chióng hûi-hiám ê kám-kak. Che tio̍h ài ū chhut-kháu, nā bô ē chia̍h tiāu án-ne kám-kak ê lâng. Khó-liân ê Clifford, che m̄-sī i ê chhò. I pí Connie koh-khah put-hēng. Che lóng sī sè-kan chai-lān ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn lah.

M̄-koh, i kám chin-chiàⁿ lóng bô m̄-tio̍h? Bô un-loán, liân sin-thé kán-tan ê un-loán chiap-chhio̍k mā bô, che kám m̄-sī i ê kòe-chhò? I chiông-lâi to bô un-loán, sīm-chì bô jîn-chû, kan-ta ū ê sī ū-siu-ióng, léng-léng hit-chióng ê khó-lū kap chun-tiōng! M̄-koh lóng m̄-bat ū cha-po͘-lâng tùi cha-bó͘-lâng kai ū ê un-loán, liân chhin-chhiūⁿ Connie yin lāu-pē tùi yi ê hit-chióng un-loán mā bô. Chit-chióng un-loán tùi cha-po͘-lâng pún-sin hó, che in mā chai, m̄-koh chit-chióng lâm-sèng kong-hui ê un-loán sī ē-tàng an-ùi cha-bô͘ ê sim.

--

第 7 章

7.1 她看家己 tī 鏡 nih ê 裸體

Connie 轉到房間 ê 時, 她做一項真久無做 ê 代誌: kā 衫褪光光, 看家己 tī 大鏡 nih ê 裸體. 她毋知她是欲看啥, 抑是欲揣啥, m̄-koh 她 kā 燈徏動, 予燈光照著她 ê 全身.

她想, 她定定家己想, 人無穿衫, 身軀是 gōa-nī-á 軟汫, 荏身, koh 可憐; ká-ná 無完整, 無完成!

過去她有真好 ê 身材, m̄-koh 今已經過時 ah: siuⁿ 查某體, 無夠親像青春少年家. 她無懸, 矮矮 ná Scotland 人; m̄-koh 她有某種風韻, 彼 ē-sái 講是誠媠. 她 ê 皮膚小可赤赤, 跤手攏真穩當, 身軀 ē-sái 講有一種飽滇, 流順 ê 豐滿; m̄-koh 猶欠某種物件.

這種結實, 流動 ê 線條猶未成熟, 她 ê 身體變平, 小可變粗. 這 ná 親像是欠曝日, 欠溫暖; 變做小可殕殕, 焦焦.

這種查某體予人失望, 伊無親像少年家 ê 軟 lio̍h kap 透明; 今伊變做袂通光.

她 ê 兩粒奶細細, 垂落 ná 梨仔形. M̄-koh in 猶未成熟, 猶苦澀, 無意無意吊 tī 遐. 她 ê 腹肚已經無她猶少年 ê 時彼種清新, 圓滿 ê 光彩, 彼時她 ê 德國男友非常佮意她 ê 肉體. 彼時 ê 腹肚猶少年, 充滿希望, 有伊家己 ê 面目. 今, 腹肚鬆鬆, 小可平平, 瘦瘦, 瘦 kah liap-liap. 她 ê 兩支大腿, 仝款, 過去 in 有女性 ê 飽滇, 看起來扭掠 koh 光滑, 今 in mā 攏平坦落來, 鬆鬆, 無意無思.

她 ê 身體 lú 來 lú 無意思, lú tūn, lú 袂通光, 變無啥意義 ê 物件. Án-ne 予她感覺大大 ê 鬱卒 koh 失望. Ná 有啥希望 ah? 她老 loh, 27 歲 tō 老 loh, 肉體無光滑, 無光彩. 變老是因為疏忽 kap 看輕, 著, 看輕. 綴時行 ê 查某人注重照顧外表, kā 身體顧 kah 光滑 ná 幼瓷. 瓷仔內底無啥; m̄-koh 她無這種光亮. Ah, 精神生活! 忽然間, 她足怨慼精神生活, 彼是騙人!

她 koh 看猶一个鏡 nih 家己 ê 尻脊後, 下腰, kap 尻川斗. 她 lú 來 lú 瘦, m̄-koh 她無感覺著. 她越身看 ê 時, 看著後壁腰 ê 皺痕垂垂; 過去彼看起來是足清爽. 她 ê 尻後斗 kap 尻川䫌 ê 直向斜度已經無光彩, 失去飽滇 ê 感覺. 攏無 ah lah! 干焦德國男友 bat 愛過這, 伊已經死欲 10 年 loh. 時間過了真緊! 死 10 年, 今她才 27 歲. 彼个健康少年家 ê 新鮮笨鈍 ê 性愛, 彼時予她誠看輕! 今彼欲佗去揣 ah? 查埔人已經無這 ah lah.

In 干焦有可憐, 2 秒鐘 ê ka-lún-sún, ná Michaelis; 無彼種 ē-tàng 溫暖血脈, 爽快全身 ê 健康人類 ê 性愛.

她猶是感覺家己上媠 ê 是 ùi 尻脊後 lap-o 直向 lak 到尻川斗彼个部份, kap 彼兩 pho̍k teh tuh-ku, 靜靜 ê 尻川䫌. Ná 像 Arab 人講 ê, 是有溫柔, 長長落低斜坡 ê 沙丘. 性命 tī 遮猶有希望. M̄-koh, tī 遮, 她消瘦, 青茈, 苦澀.

M̄-koh 身軀 ê 頭前面予她誠見笑. 彼開始 lok-sōng, lok-sōng koh 瘦, 強欲勼去, 猶未真正活著 tō 已經老 ah. 她想著她凡勢欲生 ê 囡仔. 她敢適合生囝?

Yi 穿好睏衫, 倒 tī 眠床, 哭 kah 真傷心. 傷心 ê 中間, 她有一腹恨火燒向 Clifford, 伊 ê 寫作 kap 伊 ê 言語: 燒向所有像伊彼款欺騙查某, chau-that 姻 ê 身軀 ê 查埔人.

無公平! 無公平! 身體足無公平 ê 感覺燒到她 ê 靈魂內底.

M̄-koh, 到早起, 她猶是 7 點起床, 落樓來 Clifford 遮, 幫伊處理洗盪, 換衫 ê 代誌, 因為伊無男僕, mā 無愛女僕幫伊做 chiah-ê. 自細漢 tō 看 Clifford 到大, 管家姻翁會替伊做較粗重 ê khang-khòe; Connie 負責做 Clifford 私人 ê 代誌, 這她做 kah 歡喜甘願. 雖然食力, m̄-koh 她攏認真 koh 盡力 kā 做.

所以她真罕得離開 Wragby, 有離開, mā 干焦 1-2 工; 彼時 tō 由管家 Betts Tt [Thài-thài] 來照顧 Clifford. Clifford 因為著人 kā 服務, 久來, 對 Connie ê 服侍感覺是應該 ê. 伊會 án-ne 想, mā 是真自然.

M̄-koh, tī Connie ê 心肝 nih, 一腹無公平, 被欺騙 ê 火開始 teh 燒. 一旦肉體感覺著無公平, 這是一種危險 ê 感覺. 這著愛有出口, 若無會食掉 án-ne 感覺 ê 人. 可憐 ê Clifford, 這毋是伊 ê 錯. 伊比 Connie koh 較不幸. 這攏是世間災難 ê 一部份 lah.

M̄-koh, 伊敢真正攏無毋著? 無溫暖, 連身體簡單 ê 溫暖接觸 mā 無, 這敢毋是伊 ê 過錯? 伊從來都無溫暖, 甚至無仁慈, 干焦有 ê 是有修養, 冷冷彼種 ê 考慮 kap 尊重! M̄-koh 攏 m̄-bat 有查埔人對查某人該有 ê 溫暖, 連親像 Connie 姻老爸對她 ê 彼種溫暖 mā 無. 這種溫暖對查埔人本身好, 這 in mā 知, m̄-koh 這種男性光輝 ê 溫暖是 ē-tàng 安慰查某 ê 心.

--

Chapter 7

7.1

When Connie went up to her bedroom she did what she had not done for a long time: took off all her clothes, and looked at herself naked in the huge mirror. She did not know what she was looking for, or at, very definitely, yet she moved the lamp till it shone full on her.

And she thought, as she had thought so often, what a frail, easily hurt, rather pathetic thing a human body is, naked; somehow a little unfinished, incomplete!

She had been supposed to have rather a good figure, but now she was out of fashion: a little too female, not enough like an adolescent boy. She was not very tall, a bit Scottish and short; but she had a certain fluent, down-slipping grace that might have been beauty. Her skin was faintly tawny, her limbs had a certain stillness, her body should have had a full, down-slipping richness; but it lacked something.

Instead of ripening its firm, down-running curves, her body was flattening and going a little harsh. It was as if it had not had enough sun and warmth; it was a little greyish and sapless.

Disappointed of its real womanhood, it had not succeeded in becoming boyish, and unsubstantial, and transparent; instead it had gone opaque.

Her breasts were rather small, and dropping pear-shaped. But they were unripe, a little bitter, without meaning hanging there. And her belly had lost the fresh, round gleam it had had when she was young, in the days of her German boy, who really loved her physically. Then it was young and expectant, with a real look of its own. Now it was going slack, and a little flat, thinner, but with a slack thinness. Her thighs, too, they used to look so quick and glimpsy in their female roundness, somehow they too were going flat, slack, meaningless.

Her body was going meaningless, going dull and opaque, so much insignificant substance. It made her feel immensely depressed and hopeless. What hope was there? She was old, old at twenty-seven, with no gleam and sparkle in the flesh. Old through neglect and denial, yes, denial. Fashionable women kept their bodies bright like delicate porcelain, by external attention. There was nothing inside the porcelain; but she was not even as bright as that. The mental life! Suddenly she hated it with a rushing fury, the swindle!

She looked in the other mirror’s reflection at her back, her waist, her loins. She was getting thinner, but to her it was not becoming. The crumple of her waist at the back, as she bent back to look, was a little weary; and it used to be so gay-looking. And the longish slope of her haunches and her buttocks had lost its gleam and its sense of richness. Gone! Only the German boy had loved it, and he was ten years dead, very nearly. How time went by! Ten years dead, and she was only twenty-seven. The healthy boy with his fresh, clumsy sensuality that she had then been so scornful of! Where would she find it now? It was gone out of men.

They had their pathetic, two-seconds spasms like Michaelis; but no healthy human sensuality, that warms the blood and freshens the whole being.

Still she thought the most beautiful part of her was the long-sloping fall of the haunches from the socket of the back, and the slumberous, round stillness of the buttocks. Like hillocks of sand, the Arabs say, soft and downward-slipping with a long slope. Here the life still lingered hoping. But here too she was thinner, and going unripe, astringent.

But the front of her body made her miserable. It was already beginning to slacken, with a slack sort of thinness, almost withered, going old before it had ever really lived. She thought of the child she might somehow bear. Was she fit, anyhow?

She slipped into her nightdress, and went to bed, where she sobbed bitterly. And in her bitterness burned a cold indignation against Clifford, and his writings and his talk: against all the men of his sort who defrauded a woman even of her own body.

Unjust! Unjust! The sense of deep physical injustice burned to her very soul.

But in the morning, all the same, she was up at seven, and going downstairs to Clifford. She had to help him in all the intimate things, for he had no man, and refused a woman-servant. The housekeeper’s husband, who had known him as a boy, helped him, and did any heavy lifting; but Connie did the personal things, and she did them willingly. It was a demand on her, but she had wanted to do what she could.

So she hardly ever went away from Wragby, and never for more than a day or two; when Mrs Betts, the housekeeper, attended to Clifford. He, as was inevitable in the course of time, took all the service for granted. It was natural he should.

And yet, deep inside herself, a sense of injustice, of being defrauded, had begun to burn in Connie. The physical sense of injustice is a dangerous feeling, once it is awakened. It must have outlet, or it eats away the one in whom it is aroused. Poor Clifford, he was not to blame. His was the greater misfortune. It was all part of the general catastrophe.

And yet was he not in a way to blame? This lack of warmth, this lack of the simple, warm, physical contact, was he not to blame for that? He was never really warm, nor even kind, only thoughtful, considerate, in a well-bred, cold sort of way! But never warm as a man can be warm to a woman, as even Connie’s father could be warm to her, with the warmth of a man who did himself well, and intended to, but who still could comfort it woman with a bit of his masculine glow.

--

6.5 查埔人 tī 厝後尾洗盪

6.5 Cha-po͘-lâng tī chhù-āu sé-tn̄g

Hit ê ìn-siōng chhim-chhim ta̍t-kàu Connie ê chú-kiong; yi chai-iáⁿ he chū án-ne tiâu tī hia. M̄-koh yi ê sim-nih soah kám-kak hó-chhiò. Cha-po͘-lâng tī chhù āu-bóe sé sin-khu! Tong-jiân sī iōng ū chhàu-bī ê n̂g-sek sap-bûn! Yi sió-khóa kám-kak thó-ià; sī án-chóaⁿ yi ē tú-tio̍h chit-chióng sông ê su-sū?

Yi bān-bān kiâⁿ khui, kòe chi̍t khùn, yi chiah chē lo̍h tī chi̍t ki chhâ-thâu. Yi ê sim chin loān, bô hoat-tō͘ siūⁿ. M̄-koh tī bê-loān tiong-kan, yi iáu sī koat-sim boeh kā Clifford ê ōe kóng hō͘ hit lâng thiaⁿ. Che yi bô tiû-tû. Yi tio̍h lâu sî-kan hō͘ hit lâng chhēng saⁿ, m̄-koh bē-sái hō͘ cháu chhut-khì. Hoan-sé i sī chún-pī boeh chhut-khì tó-ūi.

Yi koh bān-bān sàn-pō͘ kiâⁿ tò-tńg, chù-ì thiaⁿ. Yi kiâⁿ óa ê sî, chhun-sià iáu sī kāng-khoán. Ū káu teh pūi, yi khok-mn̂g, yi ê sim kìm-put-chū phi̍h-pho̍k thiàu.

Yi thiaⁿ tio̍h hit lâng lo̍h lâu-thui. I chin kín phah-khui mn̂g, hō͘ yi chhoah chi̍t tiô. I khòaⁿ khí-lâi mā ū chi̍t chióng put-an, m̄-koh sûi tō bīn chhiò-chhiò.

"Chatterley Hj!" i kóng. "Chhiáⁿ lí ji̍p-lâi, ho͘ⁿh?"

I ê kí-chí chin-chiàⁿ su-bûn koh chū-jiân, yi hoa̍h kòe hō͘-tēng, chìn-ji̍p he sió-khóa ak-chak ê chhù-lāi.

"Góa lâi, sī Clifford Sià ū ōe boeh hoan-hù," yi iōng jiû-jiû, sió-khóa chiap bē-chiūⁿ khùi ê siaⁿ kóng.

Hit lâng iōng i he nâ-sek, kim-sih-sih ê ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ yi, hō͘ yi soah kā bīn sió-khóa oa̍t khui. Yi ê phái-sé, hō͘ i kám-kak yi chin kó͘-chui, mā ē-sái kóng sī súi, chū án-ne, chit ê tiûⁿ-bīn sûi iû i chú-tō.

"Chhiáⁿ lí hia chē, hó-m̄?" i mn̄g, sim siūⁿ kóng yi bē chē. Mn̂g iáu khui-khui.

"Góa m̄ chē, to-siā! Clifford Sià boeh chai, lí sī m̄-sī..." yi ná kóng kau-tài ê ōe, ná put-ti-put-kak koh khòaⁿ i ê ba̍k-chiu. Taⁿ i ê ba̍k-chiu un-loán koh jîn-chû, tùi cha-bó͘ lâi khòaⁿ koh-khah sī kî-miâu ê un-loán koh jîn-chû, jî-chhiáⁿ chin chū-jiân.

"Chin hó, Hu-jîn. Góa ē sûi khì hoa̍t-lo̍h."

Thiaⁿ hoan-hù ê sî, i kui-ê lâng lóng bô-kāng ah, hián-chhut chi̍t chióng kian-tēng, léng-tām ê sîn-thài. Connie tiû-tû chi̍t-ē, taⁿ yi tio̍h lī-khui. M̄-koh yi ná-chhiūⁿ bô-nāi-hô, kā chit ê chheng-khì, chéng-chê, koh sió-khóa ak-chak ê kheh-thiaⁿ khòaⁿ-khòaⁿ leh.

"Lí ka-tī chi̍t ê tòa chia?" yi mn̄g.

"Sī ah, Hu-jîn, ka-tī chi̍t ê."

"M̄-koh, lín lāu-bú neh...?"

"Yi tī chng nih tòa tī yi ka-tī ê chhun-sià."

"Hām gín-á tâng-chê?" Connie mn̄g.

"Hām gín-á tâng-chê!"

I he pêng-hoân, hong-song ê bīn chhut chi̍t chióng ná ū ná bô ê lāng-gê piáu-chêng. Chit ê bīn put-sî teh piàn, lia̍h lóng bô.

"M̄-koh," khòaⁿ tio̍h Connie bô liáu-kái, i koh kóng, "goán lāu-bú pài-la̍k ē lâi piàⁿ chhù; chhun-ê góa ka-tī piàⁿ."

Connie koh khòaⁿ i. I ê ba̍k-chiu koh teh chhiò ah, sió-khóa lāng-gê, m̄-koh un-loán koh nâ-nâ, ū tām-po̍h jîn-chû. Yi lia̍h i kim-kim khòaⁿ. I chhēng tn̂g-khò͘, jiông-á siatchuh, phú-sek nekutái, thâu-mo͘ nńg koh tâm, bīn-sek pe̍h-pe̍h, móa-bīn hong-song. Ba̍k-sek nā bô lāng-gê ê sî, khòaⁿ khí-lâi ná ū khó͘-chhó͘, m̄-koh iáu sī bô sit khì in ê un-loán. Hut-jiân, chi̍t chūn ko͘-to̍k ê phú-pe̍h tah tio̍h i, yi lâi chia pēng m-sī ūi-tio̍h i ah.

Yi ū chin chē ōe boeh kóng, m̄-koh bô kóng. Yi kan-ta koh-chài khòaⁿ i, án-ne kóng:

"Góa hi-bāng, góa bô kiáu-jiáu tio̍h lí?"

I ba̍k-chiu bui-bui, khin-khin lāng-gê bî-chhiò.

"Bô lah, góa tú teh sé thâu-mo͘, chhiáⁿ bián kòa-ì. Pháiⁿ-sè, góa bô chhēng gōa-saⁿ, in-ūi góa m̄-chai sī siáng lâi. M̄-bat ū lâng khok-mn̂g, khok-mn̂g siaⁿ hō͘ góa kiaⁿ chi̍t tiô."

I kiâⁿ thâu-chêng, chhōa yi kàu hoe-hn̂g ê mn̂g. Chhēng siatchuh, bô khàm tòa niá mî-jiông gōa-thò ê sin-khu, yi koh khòaⁿ tio̍h i hiah thiu, hiah sán, sió-khóa khiau-ku. M̄-koh kiâⁿ kòe i sin-piⁿ ê sî, yi koh hoat-hiān i he chhián-sek thâu-mo͘ kap oa̍h-thiàu ê ba̍k-chiu ū bó͘-chióng siàu-liân, kng-liāng ê só͘-chāi. I tāi-khài sī saⁿ-cha̍p chhit/peh hòe ê lâng.

Yi bān-bān kiâⁿ ji̍p chhiū-nâ, chai-iáⁿ i tī āu-piah khòaⁿ yi; i hō͘ yi put-kìm chiah-nī bē chū-chāi.

Iah i neh, kiâⁿ ji̍p chhù nih ê sî, i án-ne siūⁿ: "Yi bē-bái, yi si̍t-chāi! Yi pí yi ka-tī siūⁿ--ê koh-khah hó."

Yi tùi i kám-kak hòⁿ-kî, kám-kak i bô-sêng sī la̍h-tiûⁿ khàn-siú, kin-pún bô-sêng kang-lâng; sui-bóng i mā ū chi̍t-kóa pún-tē-lâng ê te̍k-chit, m̄-koh i mā ū chin bô kāng-khán ê só͘-chāi.

"Hit ê la̍h-tiûⁿ khàn-siú Mellors sī chi̍t ê kî-koài ê lâng," yi kā Clifford kóng; "I chha-put-to ná-chhiūⁿ sin-sū."

"Ná-chhiūⁿ?" Clifford mn̄g. "Góa bô chù-ì tio̍h."

"M̄-koh, i kám bô siáⁿ te̍k-piat ê só͘-chāi?" Connie kian-chhî kóng.

"Góa jīn-ûi i lâng bē-bái, m̄-koh góa bat i bô chē. I kū-nî chiah thè-ngó͘, iáu bô chi̍t nî. Góa siong-sìn, i sī ùi India thè-ngó͘ ê. Tī hit ê só͘-chāi, hoān-sè i ū o̍h-tio̍h siáⁿ-mih ki-khá, hoān-sè i sī chi̍t ê kun-koaⁿ ê thoân-lēng-peng, án-ne kái-chìn liáu i ê tē-ūi. M̄-koh che tùi in bô siáⁿ-mih hó-chhù, tán in thè-ngó͘ tńg-chhù, in lóng tio̍h koh thè-tńg khì in goân-lâi ê tē-ūi."

Connie kim-kim khòaⁿ Clifford, sim-nih ná siūⁿ. Yi khòaⁿ tio̍h Clifford te̍k-pia̍t khòaⁿ bē-khí jīm-hô kē kai-kip ê lâng siūⁿ boeh peh-koân, yi chai, che sī in chit-khoán lâng ê te̍k-sèng.

"M̄-koh, lí kám bô khòaⁿ tio̍h i ū siáⁿ te̍k-pia̍t ê só͘-chāi?" yi koh mn̄g.

"Láu-si̍t kóng, bô! Góa siáⁿ to bô chù-ì tio̍h."

I hòⁿ-kî khòaⁿ yi, kám-kak put-an koh pòaⁿ gî-sim. Yi kám-kak i pēng bô kā yi kóng si̍t-ōe; i mā bô kā i ka-tī kóng si̍t-ōe, tāi-chì tō sī án-ne. I thó-ià lâng the̍h-khí kóng, siáng sī chi̍t ê chin-chiàⁿ te̍k-pia̍t ê lâng. Só͘-ū ê lâng lóng tio̍h kap i kāng chúi-chún, a̍h-sī khah kē, bē-sái khah koân.

Connie koh kám-kak tio̍h yin chit tāi ê lâng ê tàng-sng kap kiâm-siap. In tùi sèⁿ-miā lóng chiâⁿ tàng-sng, chiâⁿ kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ!

--

6.5 查埔人 tī 厝後尾洗盪

彼个印象深深達到 Connie ê 子宮; 她知影彼自 án-ne 牢 tī 遐. M̄-koh 她 ê 心 nih 煞感覺好笑. 查埔人 tī 厝後尾洗身軀! 當然是用有臭味 ê 黃色 sap-bûn! 她小可感覺討厭; 是按怎她會拄著這種 sông ê 私事?

她慢慢行開, 過一睏, 她才坐落 tī 一支柴頭. 她 ê 心真亂, 無法度想. M̄-koh tī 迷亂中間, 她猶是決心欲 kā Clifford ê 話講予彼人聽. 這她無躊躕. 她著留時間予彼人穿衫, m̄-koh bē-sái 予走出去. 凡勢伊是準備欲出去佗位.

她 koh 慢慢散步行倒轉, 注意聽. 她行倚 ê 時, 村舍猶是仝款. 有狗 teh 吠, 她 khok 門, 她 ê 心禁不住 phi̍h-pho̍k 跳.

她聽著彼人落樓梯. 伊真緊拍開門, 予她掣一趒. 伊看起來 mā 有一種不安, m̄-koh 隨 tō 面笑笑.

"Chatterley 夫人!" 伊講. "請你入來, ho͘ⁿh?"

伊 ê 舉止真正斯文 koh 自然, 她伐過戶橂, 進入彼小可 ak-chak ê 厝內.

"我來, 是 Clifford Sià 有話欲吩咐," 她用柔柔, 小可接袂上氣 ê 聲講.

彼人用伊彼藍色, 金爍爍 ê 目睭看她, 予她煞 kā 面小可越開. 她 ê 歹勢予伊感覺她真古錐, mā ē-sái 講是媠, 自 án-ne, 這个場面隨由伊主導.

"請你遐坐, 好毋?" 伊問, 心想講她袂坐. 門猶開開.

"我毋坐, 多謝! Clifford Sià 欲知, 你是毋是..." 她 ná 講交代 ê 話, ná 不知不覺 koh 看伊 ê 目睭. 今伊 ê 目睭溫暖 koh 仁慈, 對查某來看 koh 較是奇妙 ê 溫暖 koh 仁慈, 而且真自然.

"真好, 夫人. 我會隨去發落."

聽吩咐 ê 時, 伊規个人攏無仝 ah, 顯出一種堅定, 冷淡 ê 神態. Connie 躊躕一下, 今她著離開. M̄-koh 她 ná 像無奈何, kā 這个清氣, 整齊, koh 小可 ak-chak ê 客廳看看 leh.

"你家己一个蹛遮?" 她問.

"是 ah, 夫人, 家己一个."

"M̄-koh, 恁老母 neh...?"

"她 tī 庄 nih 蹛 tī 她家己 ê 村舍."

"和囡仔同齊?" Connie 問.

"和囡仔同齊!"

伊彼平凡, 風霜 ê 面出一種 ná 有 ná 無 ê 弄牙表情. 這个面不時 teh 變, 掠攏無.

"M̄-koh," 看著 Connie 無了解, 伊 koh 講, "阮老母拜六會來摒厝; 賰 ê 我家己摒."

Connie koh 看伊. 伊 ê 目睭 koh teh 笑 ah, 小可弄牙, m̄-koh 溫暖 koh 藍藍, 有淡薄仁慈. 她掠伊金金看. 伊穿長褲, 絨仔 siatchuh, 殕色 nekutái, 頭毛軟 koh 澹, 面色白白, 滿面風霜. 目色若無弄牙 ê 時, 看起來 ná 有苦楚, m̄-koh 猶是無失去 in ê 溫暖. 忽然, 一陣孤獨 ê 殕白罩著伊, 她來遮並毋是為著伊 ah.

她有真濟話欲講. 她干焦 koh 再看伊, án-ne 講:

"我希望, 我無攪擾著你?"

伊目睭 bui-bui, 輕輕弄牙微笑.

"無 lah, 我拄 teh 洗頭毛, 請免掛意. 歹勢, 我無穿外衫, 因為我毋知是 siáng 來. M̄-bat 有人khok 門, khok 門聲予我驚一趒."

伊行頭前, chhōa 她到花園 ê 門. 穿 siatchuh, 無崁大領棉絨外套 ê 身軀, 她 koh 看著伊 hiah 抽, hiah 瘦, 小可曲痀. M̄-koh 行過伊身邊 ê 時, 她 koh 發現伊彼淺色頭毛 kap 活跳 ê 目睭有某種少年, 光亮 ê 所在. 伊大概是三十七八歲 ê 人.

她慢慢行入樹林, 知影伊 tī 後壁看她; 伊予她不禁 chiah-nī 袂自在.

Iah 伊 neh, 行入厝 nih ê 時, 伊 án-ne 想: "她袂䆀, 她實在! 她比她家己想 ê koh 較好."

她對伊感覺好奇, 感覺伊無成是獵場看守, 根本無成工人; 雖罔伊 mā 有一寡本地人 ê 特質, m̄-koh 伊 mā 有真無仝款 ê 所在.

"彼个獵場看守 Mellors 是一个奇怪 ê 人," 她 kā Clifford 講; "伊差不多 ná 像紳士."

"Ná 像?" Clifford 問. "我無注意著."

"M̄-koh, 伊敢無啥特別 ê 所在?" Connie 堅持講.

"我認為伊人袂䆀, m̄-koh 我 bat 伊無濟. 伊舊年才退伍, 猶無一年. 我相信, 伊是 ùi India 退伍 ê. Tī 彼个所在, 凡勢伊有學著啥物技巧, 凡勢伊是一个軍官 ê 傳令兵, án-ne 改進了伊 ê 地位. M̄-koh 這對 in 無啥物好處, 等 in 退伍轉厝, in 攏著 koh 退轉去 in 原來 ê 地位."

Connie 金金看 Clifford, 心 nih ná 想. 她看著 Clifford 特別看袂起任何低階級 ê 人想欲 peh 懸, 她知, 這是 in 這款人 ê 特性.

"M̄-koh, 你敢無看著伊有啥特別 ê 所在?" 她 koh 問.

"老實講, 無! 我啥都無注意著."

伊好奇看她, 感覺不安 koh 半疑心. 她感覺伊並無 kā 她講實話; 伊 mā 無 kā 伊家己講實話, 代誌 tō 是 án-ne. 伊討厭人提起講, siáng 是一个真正特別 ê 人. 所有 ê 人攏著 kap 伊仝水準, 抑是較低, bē-sái 較懸.

Connie koh 感覺著姻這代 ê 人 ê 凍霜 kap 鹹澀. In 對性命攏誠凍霜, 誠驚惶!

--

6.5

Connie had received the shock of vision in her womb, and she knew it; it lay inside her. But with her mind she was inclined to ridicule. A man washing himself in a back yard! No doubt with evil-smelling yellow soap! She was rather annoyed; why should she be made to stumble on these vulgar privacies?

So she walked away from herself, but after a while she sat down on a stump. She was too confused to think. But in the coil of her confusion, she was determined to deliver her message to the fellow. She would not be balked. She must give him time to dress himself, but not time to go out. He was probably preparing to go out somewhere.

So she sauntered slowly back, listening. As she came near, the cottage looked just the same. A dog barked, and she knocked at the door, her heart beating in spite of herself.

She heard the man coming lightly downstairs. He opened the door quickly, and startled her. He looked uneasy himself, but instantly a laugh came on his face.

'Lady Chatterley!' he said. 'Will you come in?'

His manner was so perfectly easy and good, she stepped over the threshold into the rather dreary little room.

'I only called with a message from Sir Clifford,' she said in her soft, rather breathless voice.

The man was looking at her with those blue, all-seeing eyes of his, which made her turn her face aside a little. He thought her comely, almost beautiful, in her shyness, and he took command of the situation himself at once.

'Would you care to sit down?' he asked, presuming she would not. The door stood open.

'No thanks! Sir Clifford wondered if you would ... ' and she delivered her message, looking unconsciously into his eyes again. And now his eyes looked warm and kind, particularly to a woman, wonderfully warm, and kind, and at ease.

'Very good, your Ladyship. I will see to it at once.'

Taking an order, his whole self had changed, glazed over with a sort of hardness and distance. Connie hesitated, she ought to go. But she looked round the clean, tidy, rather dreary little sitting-room with something like dismay.

'Do you live here quite alone?' she asked.

'Quite alone, your Ladyship.'

'But your mother ...?'

'She lives in her own cottage in the village.'

'With the child?' asked Connie.

'With the child!'

And his plain, rather worn face took on an indefinable look of derision. It was a face that changed all the time, baking.

'No,' he said, seeing Connie stand at a loss, 'my mother comes and cleans up for me on Saturdays; I do the rest myself.'

Again Connie looked at him. His eyes were smiling again, a little mockingly, but warm and blue, and somehow kind. She wondered at him. He was in trousers and flannel shirt and a grey tie, his hair soft and damp, his face rather pale and worn-looking. When the eyes ceased to laugh they looked as if they had suffered a great deal, still without losing their warmth. But a pallor of isolation came over him, she was not really there for him.

She wanted to say so many things, and she said nothing. Only she looked up at him again, and remarked:

'I hope I didn't disturb you?'

The faint smile of mockery narrowed his eyes.

'Only combing my hair, if you don't mind. I'm sorry I hadn't a coat on, but then I had no idea who was knocking. Nobody knocks here, and the unexpected sounds ominous.'

He went in front of her down the garden path to hold the gate. In his shirt, without the clumsy velveteen coat, she saw again how slender he was, thin, stooping a little. Yet, as she passed him, there was something young and bright in his fair hair, and his quick eyes. He would be a man about thirty-seven or eight.

She plodded on into the wood, knowing he was looking after her; he upset her so much, in spite of herself.

And he, as he went indoors, was thinking: 'She's nice, she's real! She's nicer than she knows.'

She wondered very much about him; he seemed so unlike a game-keeper, so unlike a working-man anyhow; although he had something in common with the local people. But also something very uncommon.

'The game-keeper, Mellors, is a curious kind of person,' she said to Clifford; 'he might almost be a gentleman.'

'Might he?' said Clifford. 'I hadn't noticed.'

'But isn't there something special about him?' Connie insisted.

'I think he's quite a nice fellow, but I know very little about him. He only came out of the army last year, less than a year ago. From India, I rather think. He may have picked up certain tricks out there, perhaps he was an officer's servant, and improved on his position. Some of the men were like that. But it does them no good, they have to fall back into their old places when they get home again.'

Connie gazed at Clifford contemplatively. She saw in him the peculiar tight rebuff against anyone of the lower classes who might be really climbing up, which she knew was characteristic of his breed.

'But don't you think there is something special about him?' she asked.

'Frankly, no! Nothing I had noticed.'

He looked at her curiously, uneasily, half-suspiciously. And she felt he wasn't telling her the real truth; he wasn't telling himself the real truth, that was it. He disliked any suggestion of a really exceptional human being. People must be more or less at his level, or below it.

Connie felt again the tightness, niggardliness of the men of her generation. They were so tight, so scared of life!

--