Tē 7 Chiong
7.1 Yi khòaⁿ ka-tī tī kiàⁿ nih ê lō͘-thé
Connie tńg kàu pâng-keng ê sî, yi chò chi̍t hāng chin kú bô chò ê tāi-chì: kā saⁿ thǹg-kng-kng, khòaⁿ ka-tī tī tōa kiàⁿ nih ê lō͘-thé. Yi m̄-chāi yi sī boeh khòaⁿ siáⁿ, a̍h-sī boeh chhōe siáⁿ, m̄-koh yi kā teng sóa-tāng, hō͘ teng-kng chiò tio̍h yi ê choân-sin.
Yi siūⁿ, yi tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ ka-tī siūⁿ, lâng bô chhēng-saⁿ, sin-khu sī gōa-nī-á nńg-chiáⁿ, lám-sin, koh khó-liân; ká-ná bô oân-chèng, bô oân-sêng!
Kòe-khì yi ū chin hó ê sin-châi, m̄-koh taⁿ í-keng kòe-sî ah: siuⁿ cha-bó͘ thé, bô-kàu chhin-chhiūⁿ chheng-chhun siàu-liân-ke. Yi bô koân, é-é ná Scotland lâng; m̄-koh yi ū bó͘ chióng hong-ūn, he ē-sái kóng sī chiâⁿ súi. Yi ê phôe-hu sió-khóa chhià-chhià, kha-chhiú lóng chin ún-tàng, sin-khu ē-sái kóng ū chi̍t chióng pá-tīⁿ, liû-sūn ê hong-boán; m̄-koh iáu khiàm bó͘-chióng mi̍h-kiāⁿ.
Chit-chióng kiat-si̍t, liû-tāng ê sòaⁿ-tiâu iáu-bōe sêng-se̍k, yi ê sin-thé piàn pêⁿ, sió-khóa piàn chho͘. Che ná chhin-chhiūⁿ sī khiàm pha̍k-ji̍t, khiàm un-loán; piàn-chò sió-khóa phú-phú, ta-ta.
Chit chióng cha-bó͘-thé hō͘ lâng si̍t-bōng, i bô chhin-chhiūⁿ siàu-liân-ke ê nńg-lio̍h kap thàu-bêng; taⁿ i piàn-chò bē thang-kng.
Yi ê nn̄g-lia̍p leng sè-sè, sûi-lo̍h ná lâi-á hêng. M̄-koh in iáu-bōe sêng-se̍k, iáu khó͘-sia̍p, bô-ì-bô-ì tiàu tī hia. Yi ê pak-tó͘ í-keng bô yi iáu siàu-liân ê sî hit-chióng chheng-sin, îⁿ-móa ê kong-chhái, hit-sî yi ê Tek-kok lâm-iú hui-siông kah-ì yi ê bah-thé. Hit-sî ê pak-tó͘ iáu siàu-liân, chhiong-móa hi-bāng, ū i ka-tī ê bīn-bo̍k. Taⁿ, pak-tó͘ sang-sang, sió-khóa pêⁿ-pêⁿ, sán-sán, sán-kah liap-liap. Yi ê nn̄g-ki tōa-thúi, kāng-khoán, kòe-khì in ū lú-sèng ê pá-tīⁿ, khòaⁿ khí-lâi liú-ia̍h koh kng-ku̍t, taⁿ in mā lóng pêⁿ-tháⁿ lo̍h-lâi, sang-sang, bô-ì-bô-sù.
Yi ê sin-thé lú lâi lú bô ì-sù, lú tūn, lú bē thang-kng, piàn bô siáⁿ ì-gī ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Án-ne hō͘ yi kám-kak tōa-tōa ê ut-chut koh sit-bōng. Ná ū siáⁿ hi-bāng ah? Yi lāu loh, 27 hōe tō lāu loh, bah-thé bô kng-ku̍t, bô kong-chhái. Piàn lāu sī in-ūi so͘-hut kap khòaⁿ-khin, tio̍h, khòaⁿ-khin. Tòe sî-kiâⁿ ê cha-bó͘ lóng chù-tiōng chiàu-kò͘ gōa-piáu, kā sin-thé kò͘ kah kng-ku̍t ná iù-hûi. Hûi-á lāi-té bô siáⁿ; m̄-koh yi bô chit-chióng kng-liāng. Ah, cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h! Hut-jiân kan, yi chiok oàn-chheh cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h, he sī phiàn lâng!
Yi koh khòaⁿ iáu chi̍t ê kiàⁿ nih ka-tī ê kha-chiah-āu, ē-io, kap kha-chhng-táu. Yi lú lâi lú sán, m̄-koh yi bô kám-kak tio̍h. Yi oa̍t-sin khòaⁿ ê sî, khoaⁿ tio̍h āu-piah io ê jiâu-hûn sôe-sôe; kóe-khì he khòaⁿ khí-lâi sī chiok chheng-sóng. Yi ê kha-āu-táu kap kha-chhng-phé ê ti̍t-hiòng siâ-tō͘ í-keng bô kong-chhái, sit-khì pá-tīⁿ ê kám-kak. Lóng bô ah lah! Kan-ta Tek-kok lâm-iú bat ài kòe che, i í-keng sí boeh 10 nî loh. Sî-kan kòe liáu chin kín! Sí 10 nî, taⁿ yi chiah 27 hōe. Hit ê kiān-khong siàu-liân-ke ê sin-sian, pūn-tūn ê sèng-ài, hit-sî hō͘ yi chiâⁿ khòaⁿ-khin! Taⁿ he boeh tó khì chhōe ah? Cha-pō͘-lâng í-keng bô che ah lah.
In kan-ta ū khó-liân, 2 bió-cheng ê ka-lún-sún, ná Michaelis; bô hit-chióng ē-tàng un-loán hoeh-mē, sóng-khoài choân-sin ê kiān-khong jîn-lūi ê sèng-ài.
Yi iáu sī kám-kak ka-tī siōng súi ê sī ùi kha-chiah-āu lap-o ti̍t-hiong lak kàu kha-chhng-táu hit ê pō͘-hūn, kap hit nn̄g pho̍k teh tuh-ku, chēng-chēng ê kha-chhng-phé. Ná chhiūⁿ Arab lâng kóng ê, sī ū un-jiû, tn̂g-tn̂g lo̍h-kē siâ-pho ê soa-chhiu. Sèⁿ-miā tī chia iáu kià ū hi-bāng. M̄-koh, tī chia, yi siau-sán, chheⁿ-chíⁿ, khó͘-siat.
M̄-koh sin-khu ê thâu-chêng-bīn hō͘ yi chiâⁿ kiàn-siàu. He khai-sí lok-sōng, lok-sōng koh sán, kiông boeh kiu khì, iáu-bōe chin-chiàⁿ oa̍h tio̍h tō í-keng lāu ah. Yi siūⁿ tio̍h yi hoān-sè boeh seⁿ ê gín-á. Yi kám sek-ha̍p seⁿ-kiá?
Yi chhēng hó khùn-saⁿ, tó tī bîn-chhn̂g, khàu kah chin siong-sim. Siong-sim ê tiong-kan, yi ū chi̍t pak hūn-hóe sio hiòng Clifford, i ê siá-chok kap i ê giân-gí: sio hiòng só͘-ū chhiūⁿ i hit-khoán khi-phiàn cha-bó͘, chau-that yin ê sin-khu ê cha-po͘-lâng.
Bô kong-pêng! Bô kong-pêng! Sin-thé chiok bô kong-pêng ê kám-kak sio kàu yi ê lêng-hūn lāi-té.
M̄-koh, kàu chá-khí, yi iáu sī 7 tiám khí-chhn̂g, lo̍h-lâu lâi Clifford chia, pang i chhú-lí sé-tn̄g, ōaⁿ-saⁿ ê tāi-chì, in-ūi i bô lâm-po̍k, mā bô-ài lú-po̍k pang i chò chiah-ê. Chū sè-hàn tō khòaⁿ Clifford kàu tōa, koán-ke yin ang ē thè i chò khah chho͘-tāng ê khang-khòe; Connie hū-chek chò Clifford su-jîn ê tāi-chì, che yi chò kah hoaⁿ-hí-kam-goān. Sûi-jiân chia̍h-la̍t, m̄-koh yi lóng jīn-chin koh chīn-la̍t kā chò.
Só͘-í yi chin hán-tit lī-khui Wragby, ū lī-khui, mā kan-ta sī 1-2 kang; hit sî tō iû koán-kē Betts Tt [Thài-thài] lâi chiàu-kò͘ Clifford. Clifford in-ūi tio̍h lâng kā ho̍k-bū, kú--lâi, tùi Connie ê ho̍k-sāi kám-kak sī eng-kai ê. I ē án-ne siūⁿ, mā sī chin chū-jiân.
M̄-koh, tī Connie ê sim-koaⁿ nih, chi̍t pak bô kong-pêng, pī khi-phiàn ê hóe khai-sí teh sio. It-tān jio̍k-thé kám-kak tio̍h bô kong-pêng, che sī chi̍t-chióng hûi-hiám ê kám-kak. Che tio̍h ài ū chhut-kháu, nā bô ē chia̍h tiāu án-ne kám-kak ê lâng. Khó-liân ê Clifford, che m̄-sī i ê chhò. I pí Connie koh-khah put-hēng. Che lóng sī sè-kan chai-lān ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn lah.
M̄-koh, i kám chin-chiàⁿ lóng bô m̄-tio̍h? Bô un-loán, liân sin-thé kán-tan ê un-loán chiap-chhio̍k mā bô, che kám m̄-sī i ê kòe-chhò? I chiông-lâi to bô un-loán, sīm-chì bô jîn-chû, kan-ta ū ê sī ū-siu-ióng, léng-léng hit-chióng ê khó-lū kap chun-tiōng! M̄-koh lóng m̄-bat ū cha-po͘-lâng tùi cha-bó͘-lâng kai ū ê un-loán, liân chhin-chhiūⁿ Connie yin lāu-pē tùi yi ê hit-chióng un-loán mā bô. Chit-chióng un-loán tùi cha-po͘-lâng pún-sin hó, che in mā chai, m̄-koh chit-chióng lâm-sèng kong-hui ê un-loán sī ē-tàng an-ùi cha-bô͘ ê sim.
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第 7 章
7.1 她看家己 tī 鏡 nih ê 裸體
Connie 轉到房間 ê 時, 她做一項真久無做 ê 代誌: kā 衫褪光光, 看家己 tī 大鏡 nih ê 裸體. 她毋知她是欲看啥, 抑是欲揣啥, m̄-koh 她 kā 燈徏動, 予燈光照著她 ê 全身.
她想, 她定定家己想, 人無穿衫, 身軀是 gōa-nī-á 軟汫, 荏身, koh 可憐; ká-ná 無完整, 無完成!
過去她有真好 ê 身材, m̄-koh 今已經過時 ah: siuⁿ 查某體, 無夠親像青春少年家. 她無懸, 矮矮 ná Scotland 人; m̄-koh 她有某種風韻, 彼 ē-sái 講是誠媠. 她 ê 皮膚小可赤赤, 跤手攏真穩當, 身軀 ē-sái 講有一種飽滇, 流順 ê 豐滿; m̄-koh 猶欠某種物件.
這種結實, 流動 ê 線條猶未成熟, 她 ê 身體變平, 小可變粗. 這 ná 親像是欠曝日, 欠溫暖; 變做小可殕殕, 焦焦.
這種查某體予人失望, 伊無親像少年家 ê 軟 lio̍h kap 透明; 今伊變做袂通光.
她 ê 兩粒奶細細, 垂落 ná 梨仔形. M̄-koh in 猶未成熟, 猶苦澀, 無意無意吊 tī 遐. 她 ê 腹肚已經無她猶少年 ê 時彼種清新, 圓滿 ê 光彩, 彼時她 ê 德國男友非常佮意她 ê 肉體. 彼時 ê 腹肚猶少年, 充滿希望, 有伊家己 ê 面目. 今, 腹肚鬆鬆, 小可平平, 瘦瘦, 瘦 kah liap-liap. 她 ê 兩支大腿, 仝款, 過去 in 有女性 ê 飽滇, 看起來扭掠 koh 光滑, 今 in mā 攏平坦落來, 鬆鬆, 無意無思.
她 ê 身體 lú 來 lú 無意思, lú tūn, lú 袂通光, 變無啥意義 ê 物件. Án-ne 予她感覺大大 ê 鬱卒 koh 失望. Ná 有啥希望 ah? 她老 loh, 27 歲 tō 老 loh, 肉體無光滑, 無光彩. 變老是因為疏忽 kap 看輕, 著, 看輕. 綴時行 ê 查某人注重照顧外表, kā 身體顧 kah 光滑 ná 幼瓷. 瓷仔內底無啥; m̄-koh 她無這種光亮. Ah, 精神生活! 忽然間, 她足怨慼精神生活, 彼是騙人!
她 koh 看猶一个鏡 nih 家己 ê 尻脊後, 下腰, kap 尻川斗. 她 lú 來 lú 瘦, m̄-koh 她無感覺著. 她越身看 ê 時, 看著後壁腰 ê 皺痕垂垂; 過去彼看起來是足清爽. 她 ê 尻後斗 kap 尻川䫌 ê 直向斜度已經無光彩, 失去飽滇 ê 感覺. 攏無 ah lah! 干焦德國男友 bat 愛過這, 伊已經死欲 10 年 loh. 時間過了真緊! 死 10 年, 今她才 27 歲. 彼个健康少年家 ê 新鮮笨鈍 ê 性愛, 彼時予她誠看輕! 今彼欲佗去揣 ah? 查埔人已經無這 ah lah.
In 干焦有可憐, 2 秒鐘 ê ka-lún-sún, ná Michaelis; 無彼種 ē-tàng 溫暖血脈, 爽快全身 ê 健康人類 ê 性愛.
她猶是感覺家己上媠 ê 是 ùi 尻脊後 lap-o 直向 lak 到尻川斗彼个部份, kap 彼兩 pho̍k teh tuh-ku, 靜靜 ê 尻川䫌. Ná 像 Arab 人講 ê, 是有溫柔, 長長落低斜坡 ê 沙丘. 性命 tī 遮猶有希望. M̄-koh, tī 遮, 她消瘦, 青茈, 苦澀.
M̄-koh 身軀 ê 頭前面予她誠見笑. 彼開始 lok-sōng, lok-sōng koh 瘦, 強欲勼去, 猶未真正活著 tō 已經老 ah. 她想著她凡勢欲生 ê 囡仔. 她敢適合生囝?
Yi 穿好睏衫, 倒 tī 眠床, 哭 kah 真傷心. 傷心 ê 中間, 她有一腹恨火燒向 Clifford, 伊 ê 寫作 kap 伊 ê 言語: 燒向所有像伊彼款欺騙查某, chau-that 姻 ê 身軀 ê 查埔人.
無公平! 無公平! 身體足無公平 ê 感覺燒到她 ê 靈魂內底.
M̄-koh, 到早起, 她猶是 7 點起床, 落樓來 Clifford 遮, 幫伊處理洗盪, 換衫 ê 代誌, 因為伊無男僕, mā 無愛女僕幫伊做 chiah-ê. 自細漢 tō 看 Clifford 到大, 管家姻翁會替伊做較粗重 ê khang-khòe; Connie 負責做 Clifford 私人 ê 代誌, 這她做 kah 歡喜甘願. 雖然食力, m̄-koh 她攏認真 koh 盡力 kā 做.
所以她真罕得離開 Wragby, 有離開, mā 干焦 1-2 工; 彼時 tō 由管家 Betts Tt [Thài-thài] 來照顧 Clifford. Clifford 因為著人 kā 服務, 久來, 對 Connie ê 服侍感覺是應該 ê. 伊會 án-ne 想, mā 是真自然.
M̄-koh, tī Connie ê 心肝 nih, 一腹無公平, 被欺騙 ê 火開始 teh 燒. 一旦肉體感覺著無公平, 這是一種危險 ê 感覺. 這著愛有出口, 若無會食掉 án-ne 感覺 ê 人. 可憐 ê Clifford, 這毋是伊 ê 錯. 伊比 Connie koh 較不幸. 這攏是世間災難 ê 一部份 lah.
M̄-koh, 伊敢真正攏無毋著? 無溫暖, 連身體簡單 ê 溫暖接觸 mā 無, 這敢毋是伊 ê 過錯? 伊從來都無溫暖, 甚至無仁慈, 干焦有 ê 是有修養, 冷冷彼種 ê 考慮 kap 尊重! M̄-koh 攏 m̄-bat 有查埔人對查某人該有 ê 溫暖, 連親像 Connie 姻老爸對她 ê 彼種溫暖 mā 無. 這種溫暖對查埔人本身好, 這 in mā 知, m̄-koh 這種男性光輝 ê 溫暖是 ē-tàng 安慰查某 ê 心.
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Chapter 7
7.1
When Connie went up to her bedroom she did what she had not done for a long time: took off all her clothes, and looked at herself naked in the huge mirror. She did not know what she was looking for, or at, very definitely, yet she moved the lamp till it shone full on her.
And she thought, as she had thought so often, what a frail, easily hurt, rather pathetic thing a human body is, naked; somehow a little unfinished, incomplete!
She had been supposed to have rather a good figure, but now she was out of fashion: a little too female, not enough like an adolescent boy. She was not very tall, a bit Scottish and short; but she had a certain fluent, down-slipping grace that might have been beauty. Her skin was faintly tawny, her limbs had a certain stillness, her body should have had a full, down-slipping richness; but it lacked something.
Instead of ripening its firm, down-running curves, her body was flattening and going a little harsh. It was as if it had not had enough sun and warmth; it was a little greyish and sapless.
Disappointed of its real womanhood, it had not succeeded in becoming boyish, and unsubstantial, and transparent; instead it had gone opaque.
Her breasts were rather small, and dropping pear-shaped. But they were unripe, a little bitter, without meaning hanging there. And her belly had lost the fresh, round gleam it had had when she was young, in the days of her German boy, who really loved her physically. Then it was young and expectant, with a real look of its own. Now it was going slack, and a little flat, thinner, but with a slack thinness. Her thighs, too, they used to look so quick and glimpsy in their female roundness, somehow they too were going flat, slack, meaningless.
Her body was going meaningless, going dull and opaque, so much insignificant substance. It made her feel immensely depressed and hopeless. What hope was there? She was old, old at twenty-seven, with no gleam and sparkle in the flesh. Old through neglect and denial, yes, denial. Fashionable women kept their bodies bright like delicate porcelain, by external attention. There was nothing inside the porcelain; but she was not even as bright as that. The mental life! Suddenly she hated it with a rushing fury, the swindle!
She looked in the other mirror’s reflection at her back, her waist, her loins. She was getting thinner, but to her it was not becoming. The crumple of her waist at the back, as she bent back to look, was a little weary; and it used to be so gay-looking. And the longish slope of her haunches and her buttocks had lost its gleam and its sense of richness. Gone! Only the German boy had loved it, and he was ten years dead, very nearly. How time went by! Ten years dead, and she was only twenty-seven. The healthy boy with his fresh, clumsy sensuality that she had then been so scornful of! Where would she find it now? It was gone out of men.
They had their pathetic, two-seconds spasms like Michaelis; but no healthy human sensuality, that warms the blood and freshens the whole being.
Still she thought the most beautiful part of her was the long-sloping fall of the haunches from the socket of the back, and the slumberous, round stillness of the buttocks. Like hillocks of sand, the Arabs say, soft and downward-slipping with a long slope. Here the life still lingered hoping. But here too she was thinner, and going unripe, astringent.
But the front of her body made her miserable. It was already beginning to slacken, with a slack sort of thinness, almost withered, going old before it had ever really lived. She thought of the child she might somehow bear. Was she fit, anyhow?
She slipped into her nightdress, and went to bed, where she sobbed bitterly. And in her bitterness burned a cold indignation against Clifford, and his writings and his talk: against all the men of his sort who defrauded a woman even of her own body.
Unjust! Unjust! The sense of deep physical injustice burned to her very soul.
But in the morning, all the same, she was up at seven, and going downstairs to Clifford. She had to help him in all the intimate things, for he had no man, and refused a woman-servant. The housekeeper’s husband, who had known him as a boy, helped him, and did any heavy lifting; but Connie did the personal things, and she did them willingly. It was a demand on her, but she had wanted to do what she could.
So she hardly ever went away from Wragby, and never for more than a day or two; when Mrs Betts, the housekeeper, attended to Clifford. He, as was inevitable in the course of time, took all the service for granted. It was natural he should.
And yet, deep inside herself, a sense of injustice, of being defrauded, had begun to burn in Connie. The physical sense of injustice is a dangerous feeling, once it is awakened. It must have outlet, or it eats away the one in whom it is aroused. Poor Clifford, he was not to blame. His was the greater misfortune. It was all part of the general catastrophe.
And yet was he not in a way to blame? This lack of warmth, this lack of the simple, warm, physical contact, was he not to blame for that? He was never really warm, nor even kind, only thoughtful, considerate, in a well-bred, cold sort of way! But never warm as a man can be warm to a woman, as even Connie’s father could be warm to her, with the warmth of a man who did himself well, and intended to, but who still could comfort it woman with a bit of his masculine glow.
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