5.6 Yi kè-sio̍k kòe bô-liâu ê ji̍t-chí
"Siáⁿ-khoán ê hēng-hok?" Connie mn̄g, iáu sī iōng tio̍h-kiaⁿ ê gán-sîn khòaⁿ i, ná chhiūⁿ chin jia̍t-chhiat, kî-si̍t siáⁿ to bô kám-kak tio̍h.
"Kok-chióng hēng-hok khoài-lo̍k, kok-chióng! Saⁿ-kûn, chu-pó, jīm-hô lí kah-ì ê iā-chóng-hōe, jīm-hô lí boeh bat ê lâng, tòe tio̍h sî-tāi... lí-hêng, sì-kè siū lâng chun-kèng... Chóng-sī, kok-chióng hēng-hok khoài-lo̍k."
I kóng kah chiâⁿ tek-ì, Connie khòaⁿ i, ná khì hō͘ bê-tio̍h, m̄-koh sū-si̍t kin-pún bô kám-kak tio̍h siáⁿ. Liân yi sim ê siōng piáu-bīn mā bô hō͘ i thê-kiong ê bī-lâi ngiau tio̍h. Yi ê gōa-piáu, pêng-sî nā thiaⁿ tio̍h che tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē chin sóng, m̄-koh taⁿ lóng bô hoán-èng. Yi ùi hia bô tit-tio̍h siáⁿ kám-kak, bô hoat-tō͘ "khí-pōng". Yi kan-ta chē leh, ná tio̍h-bê án-ne kā khòaⁿ, bô siáⁿ-mih kám-kak, chí-sī ká-ná tī tó-ūi yi ū phīⁿ tio̍h káu-bó-sîn ê chhàu-hiàn bī.
Mick chē bē-tiâu, tī í-á téng àⁿ-sin hiòng chêng, ná lia̍h-kông kim-kim kā khòaⁿ: tàu-té i ê put-an sī in-ūi hi-êng, ài boeh yi kóng "Hó!" A̍h sī in-ūi kòe-thâu kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, kiaⁿ yi kóng "Hó!" -- Che siáng ē chai neh?
"Góa ài siūⁿ chi̍t-ē," yi kóng. "Taⁿ góa bô hoat-tō͘ hôe-tap. Lí siūⁿ kóng Clifford bô sǹg siáⁿ, m̄-koh i ū iáu-kín. Siūⁿ khòaⁿ-māi, i chân-hùi, hiah-nī su-iàu lâng..."
"Oh, phiàn-siáu! Chi̍t ê lâng nā in-ūi chân-hùi ê su-iàu, góa ē-sái kóng, góa hiah-nī ko͘-toaⁿ, it-tit lóng ko͘-toaⁿ, koh chin chē li-li-khok-khok ê khó-liân tāi! Phiàn-siáu, kan-ta lī-iōng chân-hùi lâi thó lâng thiàⁿ..."
I oa̍t-sin, siang-chhiú chhah khò͘-tē-á té kho̍k-kho̍k ngiáu. Hit àm i kā Connie kóng:
"Lí e-àm ē lâi góa ê pâng-keng hoⁿh? Góa m̄-chai lí ê pâng-keng tī toh."
"Hó lah!" yi kóng.
Hit mê, i sī chi̍t-ê koh khah jia̍t-kông ê chêng-jîn, kng-liu-liu ê sin-khu kî-koài kah ná chāi-sek-lâm. Tī i bōe kiat-sok chìn-chêng, Connie bô hoat-tō͘ ta̍t-kàu hiám-tiám. I he cha-po͘ gín-á ê lō͘-thè kap jiû-nńg ín-khí Connie ê sèng-io̍k; tán i kiat-sok liáu, yi tio̍h kè-sio̍k, iōng yi ê ē-io piàⁿ-miā iô koh tāng, chit-sî i iōng ì-chì kap chū-ngó͘ hòng-hiàn, ná eng-hiông án-ne kā ka-tī thèⁿ koân, tōng tī yi lāi-té, it-ti̍t kàu yi ta̍t-kàu hiám-tiám, hoat-chhut koài-koài ê khin-khin haiⁿ-siaⁿ.
Lo̍h-bóe i ùi yi hia thiu chhut-lâi, sè-siaⁿ iōng chi̍t chióng khó͘-bī, ná kek-kut ê ōe kóng:
"Lí kám bô hoat-tō͘ kap cha-po͘-lâng tâng-chê kiat-sok? Lí tio̍h ka-tī pìⁿ kàu soah! Lí tio̍h án-ne ka-tī chi̍t ê sńg!"
Chit kù té-té ê ōe, tī hit sî, sī Connie it-seng í-lâi siōng tōa ê táⁿ-kek. Goân-lâi he ná hiàn-sin ê pī-tōng, chin bêng-hián sī i ûi-it chin-si̍t ê sio-kàn ê bô͘-sek.
"Lí ê ì-sū sī siáⁿ?" yi mn̄g.
"Lí chai góa ê ì-sū. Góa kiat-sok liáu lí koh pìⁿ kúi-nā tiám-cheng... góa tio̍h kā-ân chhùi-khí-kin kòa tī hia, tán lí ka-tī chi̍t ê sńg kàu lí kiat-sok."
Connie pún-chiâⁿ ū chi̍t chióng kóng bē-chhut ê khoài-lo̍k, tùi i mā ū chi̍t chióng ài-ì, taⁿ soah hō͘ chit ê ì-gōa ê chho͘-ló͘ kiaⁿ-tio̍h. In-ūi, kap chē-chē hiān-tāi cha-po͘-lâng kāng-khoán, i chóng-sī bōe khai-sí tō kiat-sok. Só͘-tì, cha-bó͘-lâng put-tek-í tio̍h ài kè-sio̍k pìⁿ.
"M̄-koh, lí ài boeh góa kè-sio̍k loeh, it-ti̍t kàu góa tit-tio̍h boán-chiok?" yi kóng.
I im-im chhiò: "Góa ài ah!" i kóng. "Án-ne chin hó! Góa ài kā-ân gê-khí-kin, tán lí kè-sio̍k kā góa pìⁿ!"
"Lí bô ài án-ne?" yi kian-chhî mn̄g i.
I thiàu kòe chit ê būn-tê. "So͘-ū ê cha-bó͘ lóng kāng-khoán," i kóng. "Nā m̄-sī oân-choân bē sóng, ná sí-sí tī hia... tō-sī tán kàu cha-po͘ sóng liáu, yi chiah khai-sí ka-tī pìⁿ, cha-po͘ tio̍h kòa tī hia tán. Góa m̄-bat tú tio̍h ē-tàng kap góa tâng-chê sóng ê cha-bó͘."
Chit chióng sin-kî ê cha-po͘-lâng ê tì-sek, Connie kan-ta thiaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t pòaⁿ. Yi khì hō͘ i he tùi yi put-boán ê kháu-khì... i he hō͘ lâng siūⁿ-bô ê cho͘-lō͘ kiaⁿ-tio̍h. Yi kám-kak chiâⁿ bû-ko͘.
"M̄-koh, lí mā ài boeh góa tit-tio̍h boán-chiok, kám m̄-sī?" yi koh kóng.
"Ah, hó lah! Góa chiâⁿ goān-ì. M̄-koh góa tio̍h tiàu tī hia tán kàu cha-bó͘ sóng, he tùi cha-po͘ chin bô hó sńg..."
Chiah-ê ōe sī Connie iú-seng í-lâi chin tōa ê táⁿ-kek, phò-hoāi yi sim-lāi ê bó͘-chióng mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Pún-chiâⁿ yi tùi Michaelis pēng bô án-chóaⁿ su-iàu, nā m̄-sī i seng khai-sí, yi pēng bô su-iàu i. Tō ká-ná yi m̄-bat chin-chiàⁿ su-iàu i. M̄-koh, i nā kā yi lāng khí-tōng, chin chū-jiân, yi tio̍h khò i lâi ta̍t-kàu ka-tī ê hiám-tiám. Án-ne, hō͘ yi hiám-á tio̍h ài i lah... hit-àm yi hiám-á ài tio̍h i, siūⁿ boeh kap i kiat-hun.
Hoān-sè i pún-lêng tō chai-iáⁿ che, chū án-ne tōa-la̍t hám, thang-hó kā che ná chóa-pâi-á chhù ê piáu-ián kui-ê húi-tiāu. Hit-àm yi tùi i, mā-sī tùi só͘-ū cha-po͘-lâng ê sèng-ài kám-kak lóng húi-tiāu lah. Yi ê sèⁿ-miā kap i oân-choân hun-khui, tō ná m̄-bat ū i chit ê lâng.
Yi kè-sio̍k kòe bô-liâu ê ji̍t-chí. Taⁿ siáⁿ lóng bô ah, kan-ta ū chit ê Clifford kiò-chò oân-chéng seng-oa̍h ê khang-khak cháu-lō͘-ki, nn̄g ê lâng hō͘-siong koàn-sì tòa kāng keng chhù ê kú-kú tn̂g-tn̂g ê seng-oa̍h.
Khang-hi! Seng-oa̍h ê bo̍k-te̍k ká-ná tō sī chiap-siū chit chióng choân-jiân ê khang-hi. Só͘-ū hiah-ê bô-êng, tiōng-iàu ê li-li khok-khok, cho͘-ha̍p chhut chit ê tōa-tōa ê khang-hi!
--
5.6 她繼續過無聊 ê 日子
"啥款 ê 幸福?" Connie 問, 猶是用著驚 ê 眼神看伊, ná 像真熱切, 其實啥都無感覺著.
"各種幸福快樂, 各種! 衫裙, 珠寶, 任何你佮意 ê 夜總會, 任何你欲 bat ê 人, 綴著時代... 旅行, 四界受人尊敬... 總是, 各種幸福快樂."
伊講 kah 誠得意, Connie 看伊, ná 去予迷著, m̄-koh 事實根本無感覺著啥. 連她心 ê 上表面 mā 無予伊提供 ê 未來 ngiau 著. 她 ê 外表, 平時若聽著這定著會真爽, m̄-koh 今攏無反應. 她 ùi 遐無得著啥感覺, 無法度 "起磅" . 她干焦坐 leh, ná 著迷 án-ne kā 看, 無啥物感覺, 只是 ká-ná tī 陀位有鼻著狗母神 ê 臭羶味.
Mick 坐袂牢, tī 椅仔頂 àⁿ 身向前, ná 掠狂金金 kā 看, 到底伊 ê 不安是因為虛榮, 愛欲她講 "好!" 抑是因為過頭驚惶, 驚她講 "好!" -- 這 siáng 會知 neh?
"我愛想一下," 她講. "今我無法度回答. 你想講 Clifford 無算啥, m̄-koh 伊有要緊. 想看覓, 伊殘廢, hiah-nī 需要人..."
"Oh, 騙痟! 一个人若因為殘廢 ê 需要, 我 ē-sái 講, 我 hiah-nī 孤單, 一直攏孤單, koh 真濟 li-li-khok-khok ê 苦憐代! 騙痟, 干焦利用殘廢來討人疼..."
伊越身, 雙手插褲袋仔底 kho̍k-kho̍k ngiáu. 彼暗伊 kā Connie 講:
"你下暗會來我 ê 房間 hoⁿh? 我毋知你 ê 房間 tī 陀."
"好 lah!" 她講.
彼暝, 伊是一个 koh 較熱狂 ê 情人, 光溜溜 ê 身軀奇怪 kah ná 在室男. Tī 伊未結束進前, Connie 無法度達到險點. 伊彼查埔囡仔 ê 裸體 kap 柔軟引起 Connie ê 性慾; 等伊結束了, 她著繼續, 用她 ê 下腰拚命搖 koh 動, 這時伊用意志 kap 自我奉獻, ná 英雄 án-ne kā 家己 thèⁿ 懸, tōng tī 她內底, 一直到她達到險點, 發出怪怪 ê 輕輕 haiⁿ 聲.
落尾伊 ùi 她遐抽出來, 細聲用一種苦味, ná 激骨 ê 話講:
"你敢無法度 kap 查埔人同齊結束? 你著家己 pìⁿ 到煞! 你著 án-ne 家己一个耍!"
這句短短 ê 話, tī 彼時, 是 Connie 一生以來上大 ê 打擊. 原來彼 ná 獻身 ê 被動, 真明顯是伊唯一真實 ê sio-kàn ê 模式.
"你 ê 意思是啥?" 她問.
"你知我 ê 意思. 我結束了你 koh pìⁿ 幾若點鐘... 我著咬 ân 喙齒根掛 tī 遐, 等你家己一个耍到你結束."
Connie 本誠有一種講袂出 ê 快樂, 對伊 mā 有一種愛意, 今煞予這个意外 ê 粗魯驚著. 因為, kap 濟濟現代查埔人仝款, 伊總是袂開始 tō 結束. 所致, 查某人不得已著愛繼續 pìⁿ.
"M̄-koh, 你愛欲我繼續 loeh, 一直到我得著滿足?" 她講.
伊陰陰笑: "我愛 ah!" 伊講. "Án-ne 真好! 我愛咬 ân 牙齒根, 等你繼續 kā 我 pìⁿ!"
"你無愛 án-ne?" 她堅持問伊.
伊跳過這个問題. "所有 ê 查某攏仝款," 伊講. "若毋是完全袂爽, ná 死死 tī 遐... tō 是等到查埔爽了, 她才開始家己 pìⁿ, 查埔著掛 tī 遐等. 我 m̄-bat 拄著 ē-tàng kap 我同齊爽 ê 查某."
這種新奇 ê 查埔人 ê 智識, Connie 干焦聽著一半. 她去予伊彼對她不滿 ê 口氣... 伊彼予人想無 ê 粗魯驚著. 她感覺誠無辜.
"M̄-koh, 你 mā 愛欲我得著滿足, 敢毋是?" 她 koh 講.
"Ah, 好 lah! 我誠願意. M̄-koh 我著吊 tī 遐等到查某爽, 彼對查埔真無好耍..."
Chiah-ê 話是 Connie 有生以來真大 ê 打擊, 破壞她心內 ê 某種物件. 本誠她對 Michaelis 並無按怎需要, 若毋是伊先開始, 她並無需要伊. Tō ká-ná 她 m̄-bat 真正需要伊. M̄-koh, 伊若 kā 她弄起動, 真自然, 她著靠伊來達到家己 ê 險點. Án-ne, 予她險仔著愛伊 lah... 彼暗她險仔愛著伊, 想欲 kap 伊結婚.
凡勢伊本能 tō 知影這, 自 án-ne 大力撼, 通好 kā 這 ná 紙牌仔厝 ê 表演規个毀掉. 彼暗她對伊, mā 是對所有查埔人 ê 性愛感覺攏毀掉 lah. 她 ê 性命 kap 他完全分開, tō ná m̄-bat 有伊這个人.
她繼續過無聊 ê 日子. 今啥攏無 ah, 干焦有一个 Clifford 叫做完整生活 ê 空殼走路機, 兩个人互相慣勢蹛仝間厝 ê 久久長長 ê 生活.
空虛! 生活 ê 目的 ká-ná tō 是接受這種全然 ê 空虛. 所有 hiah-ê 無閒, 重要 ê li-li khok-khok, 組合出一个大大 ê 空虛!
--
5.6
'And what sort of a good time?' asked Connie, gazing on him still with a sort of amazement, that looked like thrill; and underneath feeling nothing at all.
'Every sort of a good time, damn it, every sort! Dress, jewels up to a point, any nightclub you like, know anybody you want to know, live the pace ... travel and be somebody wherever you go ... Darn it, every sort of good time.'
He spoke it almost in a brilliancy of triumph, and Connie looked at him as if dazzled, and really feeling nothing at all. Hardly even the surface of her mind was tickled at the glowing prospects he offered her. Hardly even her most outside self responded, that at any other time would have been thrilled. She just got no feeling from it, she couldn't 'go off'. She just sat and stared and looked dazzled, and felt nothing, only somewhere she smelt the extraordinarily unpleasant smell of the bitch-goddess.
Mick sat on tenterhooks, leaning forward in his chair, glaring at her almost hysterically: and whether he was more anxious out of vanity for her to say Yes! Or whether he was more panic-stricken for fear she should say Yes! — Who can tell?
'I should have to think about it,' she said. 'I couldn't say now. It may seem to you Clifford doesn't count, but he does. When you think how disabled he is ...'
'Oh damn it all! If a fellow's going to trade on his disabilities, I might begin to say how lonely I am, and always have been, and all the rest of the my-eye-Betty-Martin sob-stuff! Damn it all, if a fellow's got nothing but disabilities to recommend him ...'
He turned aside, working his hands furiously in his trousers pockets. That evening he said to her:
'You're coming round to my room tonight, aren't you? I don't darn know where your room is.'
'All right!' she said.
He was a more excited lover that night, with his strange, small boy's frail nakedness. Connie found it impossible to come to her crisis before he had really finished his. And he roused a certain craving passion in her, with his little boy's nakedness and softness; she had to go on after he had finished, in the wild tumult and heaving of her loins, while he heroically kept himself up, and present in her, with all his will and self-offering, till she brought about her own crisis, with weird little cries.
When at last he drew away from her, he said, in a bitter, almost sneering little voice:
'You couldn't go off at the same time as a man, could you? You'd have to bring yourself off! You'd have to run the show!'
This little speech, at the moment, was one of the shocks of her life. Because that passive sort of giving himself was so obviously his only real mode of intercourse.
'What do you mean?' she said.
'You know what I mean. You keep on for hours after I've gone off ... and I have to hang on with my teeth till you bring yourself off by your own exertions.'
She was stunned by this unexpected piece of brutality, at the moment when she was glowing with a sort of pleasure beyond words, and a sort of love for him. Because, after all, like so many modern men, he was finished almost before he had begun. And that forced the woman to be active.
'But you want me to go on, to get my own satisfaction?' she said.
He laughed grimly: 'I want it!' he said. 'That's good! I want to hang on with my teeth clenched, while you go for me!'
'But don't you?' she insisted.
He avoided the question. 'All the darned women are like that,' he said. 'Either they don't go off at all, as if they were dead in there ... or else they wait till a chap's really done, and then they start in to bring themselves off, and a chap's got to hang on. I never had a woman yet who went off just at the same moment as I did.'
Connie only half heard this piece of novel, masculine information. She was only stunned by his feeling against her ... his incomprehensible brutality. She felt so innocent.
'But you want me to have my satisfaction too, don't you?' she repeated.
'Oh, all right! I'm quite willing. But I'm darned if hanging on waiting for a woman to go off is much of a game for a man ...'
This speech was one of the crucial blows of Connie's life. It killed something in her. She had not been so very keen on Michaelis; till he started it, she did not want him. It was as if she never positively wanted him. But once he had started her, it seemed only natural for her to come to her own crisis with him. Almost she had loved him for it ... almost that night she loved him, and wanted to marry him.
Perhaps instinctively he knew it, and that was why he had to bring down the whole show with a smash; the house of cards. Her whole sexual feeling for him, or for any man, collapsed that night. Her life fell apart from his as completely as if he had never existed.
And she went through the days drearily. There was nothing now but this empty treadmill of what Clifford called the integrated life, the long living together of two people, who are in the habit of being in the same house with one another.
Nothingness! To accept the great nothingness of life seemed to be the one end of living. All the many busy and important little things that make up the grand sum-total of nothingness!
--
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