1.2 Nn̄g chí-mōe lóng ū ài-chêng ê keng-giām
Hilda kap Constance nn̄g-ê kàu cha̍p-peh hòe ê sî lóng bat ū ka-tī té-chām ê loân-ài. Hiah-ê hām yin hiah-nī jia̍t-chêng kau-tâm, hoaⁿ-hí chhiùⁿ-koa, chū-iû chū-chāi tī chhiū-kha lō͘-iâⁿ ê siàu-liân, tong-jiân siūⁿ boeh ū ài-chêng koh chìn chi̍t-pō͘ ê khan-liân. Ko͘-niû-á tú-thâu-á chin tiû-tî, m̄-koh chit-ê ōe-tê ū chin chē thó-lūn, ká-ná mā sī chin iàu-kín. Cha-po͘ ê mā chin kheh-khì, iū-koh chin giàn. Sī án-chóaⁿ ko͘-niû-á bē-tàng ná ông-hiō án-ne, hiàn-chhut ka-tī?
Chū án-ne yin lóng hiàn-sin hō͘ chò-hóe hām ka-tī ū siōng bî-miāu, siōng chhin-bit thó-lūn ê siàu-liân. Thó-lūn kap sio-chèⁿ sī iàu-kín ê tāi-chì: chò-ài kap khan-liân kan-ta sī chi̍t-chióng goân-sú ê pún-lêng, sī chi̍t-chióng thè-jia̍t ê tōng-chok. Sū-āu, cha-bó͘ tō bô koh hiah-nī ài hit ê cha-po͘, koh sió-khóa chheh i, ká-ná hit ê cha-po͘ chhim-hoān tio̍h yi ê su-bit kap yi sim-lāi ê chū-iû. Tong-jiân, chò-ûi chi̍t ê cha-bó͘, yi ê chun-giâm kap sèⁿ-miā ê ì-gī, lóng tio̍h óa-khò ta̍t-sêng chi̍t ê choa̍t-tùi, oân-choân, sûn-chhùi, kap ko-sióng ê chū-iû. Nā bô án-ne, cha-bó͘ ê sèⁿ-miā ū siáⁿ ì-gī neh? Tō sī ài hìⁿ-sak kòe-sî koh a-cha ê khan-liân kap sūn-ho̍k.
M̄-koán lâng án-chóaⁿ kám-chêng iōng-sū, sèng chit-hāng tāi-chì chū-lâi tō sī siōng kó͘-chá ê a-cha khan-liân kap sūn-ho̍k. O-ló sèng ê si-jîn tōa pō͘-hūn sī cha-po͘. Cha-bó͘ chóng-sī chai-iáⁿ ū koh-khah hó, koh-khah koân ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Taⁿ, in pí í-chêng koh-khah khak-tēng ah. Cha-bó͘-lâng ê bí-lē sûn-kiat chū-iû sī éng-oán pí sèng-ài koh-khah bí-miāu ê. Put-hēng ê sī, cha-po͘-lâng tī chit hāng tāi-chì lo̍k-ngó͘ siuⁿ chē. Cha-po͘-lâng tō ná káu leh, mî-mî boeh sèng hit-chân tāi.
Cha-bó͘ chí-hó niū i. Cha-po͘ tō ná gín-á hiah iau-kúi. Cha-bó͘ tio̍h boán-chiok i, nā bô, i tō khó-lêng ná-chhiūⁿ gín-á teh oan, a̍h sī siám-khui, pìⁿ pháiⁿ hoaⁿ-hí ê koan-hē. M̄-koh cha-bó͘ ē-sái niū hō͘ cha-po͘, m̄-bián niū-chhut ka-tī ê lāi-chāi kap ka-tī ê chū-iû. Hiah-ê tâm-lūn sèng-ài ê si-jîn kap kî-thaⁿ ê lâng, tùi chit ê koan-tiám ká-ná pēng bô chin chhim-ji̍p. Cha-bó͘ m̄-bián hòng-khì ka-tī mā ē-sái chiap-la̍p cha-po͘. Tong-jiân yi ē-tàng chiap-la̍p cha-po͘koh bián siū i ê chi-phòe. Tian-tò kóng, yi ē-tàng iōng sèng lâi chi-phòe cha-po͘. In-ūi, sio-kàn ê sî, cha-bó͘ ē-sái jím tio̍h, hō͘ cha-po͘ seng kiat-sok, seng khai liáu, cha-bó͘ iáu bōe kàu hiám-tiám: chū án-ne, yi ē-tàng iân-tn̂g chò-ài ê khan-liân, lâi ta̍t-kàu ka-tī ê ko-tiau kap hiám-tiám, chit-sî, cha-po͘ tō ná sī yi ê kang-kū.
Chiàn-cheng khai-sí ê sî, nn̄g chí-mōe lóng í-keng ū ài-chêng ê keng-giām; hit-sî yin kóaⁿ-kín tńg chhù. Hām yin loân-ài ê siàu-liân-ke lóng sī kap yin kóng-ōe ē tâu-ki, its* hō͘-siong ē-tàng jia̍t-chhiat kau-tâm ê lâng. Hām chin-chiàⁿ chhong-bêng ê siàu-liân-ke jia̍t-chêng kau-tâm kúi-nā tiám-cheng, chi̍t kang koh chi̍t kang, liân-sòa kúi-nā kò goe̍h, ū chi̍t-chióng kiaⁿ-lâng, chhim-khek, koh siūⁿ-bē-kàu ê sóng-khoài, che it-ti̍t kàu tú-tio̍h yin chiah chai-iáⁿ! Thian-kok ê èng-ín: "Lí ē ū cha-po͘-lâng thang kau-tâm!" iáu bōe kóng-chhut. Yin iáu m̄-chai chit-ê èng-ín sī siáⁿ í-chêng tō í-keng thé-giām tio̍h ah. [* its = iā-tō-sī]
Tī chiah-ê oa̍h-phoat koh moá-ì ê thó-lūn só͘ tit-tio̍h ê sim-lêng chhin-kīn, sèng ê tāi-chì nā bián put-liáu, tō kā chiap-siū. Che tō ná chi̍t-ê kai-tōaⁿ ê kiat-sok. I pún-sin mā chin chhì-kek: sin-thé lāi ū koài-kî, bí-miāu ê chìn-tōng, chòe-āu sī chū-ngó͘ piáu-hiān ê ka-lún-sún, tō ná-chhiūⁿ kiat-bóe ê ōe, chin chhì-kek, mā ná-chhiūⁿ chi̍t-chōa liân-sòa ê sió tiám piáu-sī tōaⁿ-lo̍h kiat-sok, chú-tê chhiat-tn̄g.
Chá tī 1913 nî nn̄g chí-mōe tńg-lâi hioh-joa̍h ê sî, Hilda 20 hòe, Connie* 18, yin lāu-pē tō khòaⁿ-chhut yin lóng í-keng ū ài ê keng-giām ah. [* Connie = Constance ê sió-miâ]
Tō ná sio̍k-gí kóng ê: "siū-kòe ài-chêng ê sé-lé". M̄-koh i mā sī ū ka-tī ê keng-giām, tō bô kóng siáⁿ, sûi-chāi in khì. Iah nā yin lāu-bú neh, sī chi̍t-ê chhun bô kúi kò goe̍h thang oa̍h ê sîn-keng hoān-chiá, ǹg-bāng cha-bó͘-kiáⁿ ū "chū-iû", ū "sêng-chiū". Yi ka-tī chū-lâi bô sêng-chiū kòe siáⁿ-mih: a̍h-sī kóng, sêng-chiū m̄-bat chiap-la̍p yi. Siáng chai sī án-chóaⁿ ē án-ne, in-ūi yi mā sī chi̍t-ê ū ka-tī ê siu-ji̍p kap ka-tī ê chò-hoat ê cha-bó͘. Yi bâi-oàn yin ang. Kî-si̍t, sī in-ūi yi ê sim-lêng ū bó͘-chióng lāu-sek khoân-ui ê ìn-siōng, yi pàng bē khui. Che hām Malcolm Sià bô koan-hē. Yin ang bô chhap yi ê bâi-oàn kap te̍k-sī, kì-chāi yi ka-tī khì, chi̍t hong-bīn i mā kiâⁿ ka-tī ê lō͘.
Só͘-í nn̄g chí-mōe sī "chū-iû" ê, in koh tńg-khì Dresden, ná o̍h im-ga̍k, ná tī tāi-ha̍k thiaⁿ-khò, koh hām siàu-liân-ke kau-pôe. Yin ài sûi-lâng ê cha-po͘ pêng-iú, yin ê cha-po͘ mā iōng tio̍h cheng-sîn khip-la̍t kap yin chhin-jia̍t. Hiah-ê cha-po͘ só͘ siūⁿ tio̍h, kóng tio̍h, kap siá tio̍h ê kî-miāu mi̍h-kiāⁿ, in lóng ūi chit nn̄g ê siàu-lú lâi siūⁿ, lâi kóng, lâi siá. Connie ê cha-po͘ kah-ì im-ga̍k, Hilda ê kah-ì ki-su̍t. M̄-koh in lóng kan-ta ūi-tio̍h chit nn̄g ê siàu-lú teh seng-oa̍h. Siōng-bô, tī in ê sim-nih, in ê sim-lí ūn-chok lóng sī án-ne. Sui-jiân tī pa̍t ê só͘-chāi, in ū sió-khóa hông khì-hiâm, m̄-koh in ka-tī m̄-chai.
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1.2 兩姊妹攏有愛情 ê 經驗
Hilda kap Constance 兩个到十八歲 ê 時攏 bat 有家己短站 ê 戀愛. Hiah-ê 和姻 hiah-nī 熱情交談, 歡喜唱歌, 自由自在 tī 樹跤露營 ê 少年, 當然想欲有愛情 koh 進一步 ê 牽連. 姑娘仔拄頭仔真躊躇, m̄-koh 這个話題有真濟討論, ká-ná mā 是真要緊. 查埔 ê mā 真客氣, 又 koh 真 giàn. 是按怎姑娘仔袂當 ná 王后 án-ne, 獻出家己?
自 án-ne 姻攏獻身予做伙和家己有上微妙, 上親密討論 ê 少年. 討論 kap 相諍是要緊 ê 代誌: 做愛 kap 牽連干焦是一種原始 ê 本能, 是一種退熱 ê 動作. 事後, 查某 tō 無 koh hiah-nī 愛彼个查埔, koh 小可慼伊, ká-ná 彼个查埔侵犯著她 ê 私密 kap 她心內 ê 自由. 當然, 做為一个查某, 她 ê 尊嚴 kap 性命 ê 意義, 攏著倚靠達成一个絕對, 完全, 純粹, kap 高尚 ê 自由. Nā 無 án-ne, 查某 ê 性命有啥意義 neh? Tō 是愛 hìⁿ-sak 過時 koh a-cha ê 牽連 kap 順服.
毋管人按怎感情用事, 性這項代誌自來 tō 是上古早 ê a-cha 牽連 kap 順服. O-ló 性 ê 詩人大部分是查埔. 查某總是知影有 koh 較好, koh 較懸 ê 物件. 今, 姻比以前 koh 較確定 ah. 查某人 ê 美麗純潔自由是永遠比性愛 koh 較美妙 ê. 不幸 ê 是, 查埔人 tī 這項代誌落伍 siuⁿ 濟. 查埔人 tō ná 狗 leh, 綿綿欲性彼層代.
查某只好讓伊. 查埔 tō ná 囡仔 hiah iau 鬼. 查某著滿足伊, nā 無, 伊 tō 可能 ná 像囡仔 teh 冤, 抑是閃開, pìⁿ 歹歡喜 ê 關係. 毋過查某會使讓予查埔, 毋免讓出家己 ê 內在 kap 家己 ê 自由. Hiah-ê 談論性愛 ê 詩人 kap 其他 ê 人, 對這个觀點 ká-ná 並無真深入. 查某毋免放棄家己 mā 會使接納查埔. 當然伊會當接納查埔 koh 免受伊 ê 支配. 顛倒講, 她會當用性來支配查埔. 因為, sio-kàn ê 時, 查某會使忍著, 予查埔先結束, 先開了, 查某猶未到險點: 自 án-ne, 她會當延長做愛 ê 牽連, 來達到家己 ê 高潮 kap 險點, 這時, 查埔 tō ná 是她 ê 工具.
戰爭開始 ê 時, 兩姊妹攏已經有愛情 ê 經驗; 彼時 in 趕緊轉厝. 和姻戀愛 ê 少年家攏是 kap 姻講話會投機, 也 tō 是互相會當熱切交談 ê 人. 和真正聰明 ê 少年家熱情交談幾若點鐘, 一工 koh 一工, 連紲幾若個月, 有一種驚人, 深刻, koh 想袂到 ê 爽快, 這一直到拄著姻才知影! 天國 ê 應允: "你會有查埔人通交談!" 猶未講出. 猶毋知這个應允是啥以前, 姻 tō 已經體驗著 ah.
Tī chiah-ê 活潑 koh 滿意 ê 討論所得著 ê 心靈親近, 性 ê 代誌 nā 免不了, tō kā 接受. 這 tō ná 一个階段 ê 結束. 伊本身 mā 真刺激: 身體內有怪奇, 美妙 ê 震動, 最後是自我表現 ê ka-lún-sún, tō ná 像結尾 ê 話, 真刺激, mā ná 像一 chōa 連紲 ê 小點表示段落結束, 主題切斷.
早 tī 1913 年兩姊妹轉來歇熱 ê 時, Hilda 20 歲, Connie* 18, 姻老爸 tō 看出姻攏已經有愛 ê 經驗 ah. [* Connie = Constance ê 小名]
Tō ná 俗語講 ê: "受過愛情 ê 洗禮". 毋過伊 mā 是有家己 ê 經驗, tō 無講啥, 隨在姻去. Iah nā 姻老母 neh, 是一个賰無幾個月通活 ê 神經患者, 向望查某囝有 "自由", 有 "成就". 她家己自來無成就過啥物: 抑是講, 成就毋 bat 接納伊. Siáng 知是按怎會 án-ne, 因為她 mā 是一个有家己 ê 收入 kap 家己 ê 做法 ê 查某. 她埋怨姻翁. 其實, 是因為她 ê 心靈有某種老式權威 ê 印象, 她放袂開. 這和 Malcolm Sià 無關係. 姻翁無 chhap 她 ê 埋怨 kap 敵視, 據在她家己去, 一方面伊 mā 行家己 ê 路.
所以兩姊妹是 "自由" ê, 姻 koh 轉去 Dresden, ná 學音樂, ná tī 大學聽課, koh 和少年家交陪. 姻愛隨人 ê 查埔朋友, 姻 ê 查埔 mā 用著精神吸力 kap 姻 親熱. Hiah-ê 查埔所想著, 講著, kap 寫著 ê 奇妙物件, in 攏為這兩个少女來想, 來講, 來寫. Connie ê 查埔佮意音樂, Hilda ê 佮意技術. M̄-koh in 攏干焦為著這兩个少女 teh 生活. 上無, tī in ê 心 nih, in ê 心理運作攏是 án-ne. 雖然 tī 別个所在, in 有小可 hông 棄嫌, m̄-koh in 家己毋知.
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1.2
Both Hilda and Constance had had their tentative love-affairs by the time they were eighteen. The young men with whom they talked so passionately and sang so lustily and camped under the trees in such freedom wanted, of course, the love connexion. The girls were doubtful, but then the thing was so much talked about, it was supposed to be so important. And the men were so humble and craving. Why couldn't a girl be queenly, and give the gift of herself?
So they had given the gift of themselves, each to the youth with whom she had the most subtle and intimate arguments. The arguments, the discussions were the great thing: the love-making and connexion were only a sort of primitive reversion and a bit of an anti-climax. One was less in love with the boy afterwards, and a little inclined to hate him, as if he had trespassed on one's privacy and inner freedom. For, of course, being a girl, one's whole dignity and meaning in life consisted in the achievement of an absolute, a perfect, a pure and noble freedom. What else did a girl's life mean? To shake off the old and sordid connexions and subjections.
And however one might sentimentalize it, this sex business was one of the most ancient, sordid connexions and subjections. Poets who glorified it were mostly men. Women had always known there was something better, something higher. And now they knew it more definitely than ever. The beautiful pure freedom of a woman was infinitely more wonderful than any sexual love. The only unfortunate thing was that men lagged so far behind women in the matter. They insisted on the sex thing like dogs.
And a woman had to yield. A man was like a child with his appetites. A woman had to yield him what he wanted, or like a child he would probably turn nasty and flounce away and spoil what was a very pleasant connexion. But a woman could yield to a man without yielding her inner, free self. That the poets and talkers about sex did not seem to have taken sufficiently into account. A woman could take a man without really giving herself away. Certainly she could take him without giving herself into his power. Rather she could use this sex thing to have power over him. For she only had to hold herself back in sexual intercourse, and let him finish and expend himself without herself coming to the crisis: and then she could prolong the connexion and achieve her orgasm and her crisis while he was merely her tool.
Both sisters had had their love experience by the time the war came, and they were hurried home. Neither was ever in love with a young man unless he and she were verbally very near: that is unless they were profoundly interested, talking to one another. The amazing, the profound, the unbelievable thrill there was in passionately talking to some really clever young man by the hour, resuming day after day for months… this they had never realized till it happened! The paradisal promise: Thou shalt have men to talk to! — had never been uttered. It was fulfilled before they knew what a promise it was.
And if after the roused intimacy of these vivid and soul-enlightened discussions the sex thing became more or less inevitable, then let it. It marked the end of a chapter. It had a thrill of its own too: a queer vibrating thrill inside the body, a final spasm of self-assertion, like the last word, exciting, and very like the row of asterisks that can be put to show the end of a paragraph, and a break in the theme.
When the girls came home for the summer holidays of 1913, when Hilda was twenty and Connie eighteen, their father could see plainly that they had had the love experience.
L'amour avait passé par là, as somebody puts it. But he was a man of experience himself, and let life take its course. As for the mother, a nervous invalid in the last few months of her life, she wanted her girls to be 'free', and to 'fulfil themselves'. She herself had never been able to be altogether herself: it had been denied her. Heaven knows why, for she was a woman who had her own income and her own way. She blamed her husband. But as a matter of fact, it was some old impression of authority on her own mind or soul that she could not get rid of. It had nothing to do with Sir Malcolm, who left his nervously hostile, high-spirited wife to rule her own roost, while he went his own way.
So the girls were 'free', and went back to Dresden, and their music, and the university and the young men. They loved their respective young men, and their respective young men loved them with all the passion of mental attraction. All the wonderful things the young men thought and expressed and wrote, they thought and expressed and wrote for the young women. Connie's young man was musical, Hilda's was technical. But they simply lived for their young women. In their minds and their mental excitements, that is. Somewhere else they were a little rebuffed, though they did not know it.
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