2.4 厝 nih 常在有人客

2.4 Chhù nih chhiâng-chāi ū lâng-kheh

I tiām-tiām siūⁿ chi̍t-ē liáu, kui-ê bīn hoán âng. I chiâⁿ siū-khì, siū tio̍h bú-jio̍k.

"Án-chóaⁿ bô sek-ha̍p yi?" i chèⁿ-chhùi kā ìn.

"Yi lú lâi lú sán... chhun kut. I pún-lâi m̄-sī án-ne. Yi m̄-sī sán-thiu ê un-á-hî, yi sī súi tang-tang ê Scotland chun-hî."

"Bô pan-tiám ê. It-tēng sī!" Clifford kóng.

Āu-lâi, i siūⁿ boeh kap Connie thó-lūn chiú oa̍h-kóa ê tāi-chì... kóng yi bô sèng seng-oa̍h ê chit chân tāi. M̄-koh i bô hoat-tō͘ khui-chhùi. I kap Connie ū-kàu chhin-bi̍t, iū-koh bô-kàu chhin-bi̍t. In nn̄g lâng ê sim-lêng kau-kiat chò-hóe, m̄-koh in ê bah-thé iū-koh bô chò-hóe, nn̄g lâng lóng bô hoat-tō͘ jím-siū bah-thé sū-kiāⁿ ê thó-lūn. In hiah-nī chhin-bi̍t soah lóng bô chin-chiàⁿ ê chhin-kīn.

Connie ioh ē tio̍h, yin lāu-pē ū kā Clifford kóng siáⁿ, Clifford kā he khǹg tī sim-lāi. Yi chai, Clifford bô koan-sim tàu-té yi sī chiú oa̍h-kóa a̍h-sī thó-khè-hiaⁿ, chí-iàu mài hō͘ i chai, mài hō͘ i khòaⁿ tio̍h. Bô khòaⁿ tio̍h kap m̄-chai-iáⁿ ê tāi-chì, tō sī bô chûn-chāi ê tāi-chì.

Connie hām Clifford í-keng lâi Wragby boeh nn̄g tang, bâng-bâng seng-oa̍h, choân-sim chù-ji̍p tī Clifford kap i ê chok-phín. In ê chhù-bī it-ti̍t chò-hóe phiau-liû tī i ê chok-phín. In thó-lūn mā cheng-lūn bûn-chiong ê kò͘-sêng, kám-kak tī khang-hi tiong-kan ká-ná ū siáⁿ teh hoat-seng, chin-chiàⁿ teh hoat-seng.

Kàu taⁿ, che tō sī seng-oa̍h: khang-hi ê seng-oa̍h. Pa̍t-hāng ê, lóng bô. Wragby tī hia, ka-po̍k... put-kò sī kúi-iáⁿ, bô chin-chiàⁿ chûn-chāi. Connie ē khì lîm-hn̂g nih, khì kap lîm-hn̂g sio-liân ê chhiū-nâ sàn-pō͘, hiáng-siū hia ê phiah-chēng kap sîn-pì, kha ta̍h chhiu-thiⁿ ê ta-hio̍h, a̍h sī bán chhun-thiⁿ sakura chháu (primrose) ê hoe. M̄-koh, che lóng sī bîn-bāng, a̍h-sī ná-chhiūⁿ sī hiān-si̍t ê hoàn-iáⁿ. Chhiūⁿ-chhiū ê hio̍h-á, chāi i khòaⁿ lâi, tō ná kiàⁿ lāi-té iô-tāng ê chhiū-hio̍h. yi ka-tī tō ná kó͘-chheh lāi-té ê jîn-bu̍t, bán ê sakura chháu ê hoe, ká-ná sī iáⁿ a̍h kì-tî, a̍h bûn-jī. Chāi i, bô si̍t-chit, bô siáⁿ... bô chiap-chhiok, bô liân-hē! Kan-ta ū chit ê kap Clifford chò-hóe ê seng-oa̍h, chiah-ê si-sòaⁿ kat ê bāng, ì-sek ê sè-chiat tt* put-chīn ê iⁿ-tîⁿ, chiah-ê Malcolm Sià kóng bô-siáⁿ, bē kú-tn̂g ê kò͘-sū. Kò͘-sū lāi-té sī án-chóaⁿ tio̍h ū siáⁿ, sī án-chóaⁿ tio̍h kú-tn̂g? Siâ-ok lâi-kàu chìn-chêng, lán án-ne kòe tō ē-sái ah. Hiān-si̍t chhut-hiān chìn-chêng, lán án-ne kòe tō khó-í lah. [* = téng-téng]

Clifford ū chin chē pêng-iú, si̍t-chè-siōng chí-sī sio-bat, i iau-chhiáⁿ in lâi Wragby. I iáu-chhiáⁿ kok-chióng lâng, phe-phêng-ka kap chok-ka, ē tàu o-ló i ê chheh ê lâng. Chiah-ê lâng pī iau-chhiáⁿ, kám-kak chin kong-chhái, tō kā o-ló. Che, Connie lóng chin chheng-chhó. Án-ne ū siáⁿ m̄-hó? Che chí-sī kiàⁿ nih ê chi̍t-chióng iû-tāng ê hêng-iáⁿ. Án-ne ū tó-ūi m̄-tio̍h?

Yi àn-nāi chiah-ê lâng... tōa-pō͘-hūn sī cha-po͘-lâng. Yi mā àn-nāi Clifford in ū-sî ē lâi ê kùi-cho̍k chhin-chiâⁿ. In-ūi yi sī chi̍t ê un-jiû, âng-gê, chng-kha bô͘-iūⁿ ê ko͘-niû, chhiok-pan bīn, nâ-sek tōa ba̍k-chiu, chhiah-sek khiû thâu-mo͘, jiû-nńg ê siaⁿ-im, sió-khóa chho͘-ióng ê cha-bó͘ io, ta̍k-ê tō kā khòaⁿ-chò sī chi̍t ê lāu-phài, hū-jîn-lâng khoán ê cha-bó͘. Yi m̄-sī ná cha-po͘ gín-á ê "sè bóe un-á hî," heng-khàm pêⁿ, kha-chhng sè. Yi sī kòe-thâu lú-sèng, bē-sái siuⁿ oa̍h-phoat.

Chū án-ne, cha-po͘-lâng, iû-kî hiah-ê bô siàu-liân ê, lóng tùi yi chin hó. M̄-koh, chai-iáⁿ nā khòaⁿ tio̍h yi hiàn-chhut chi̍t sut-á hiâu-khoán, khó-liân ê Clifford tō ē gōa-nī kan-khó͘, yi m̄-chún chiah-ê cha-po͘ o͘-pe̍h lâi. Yi ê thài-tō͘ tiām-chēng, hâm-hô͘, yi kap in bô kau-pôe, mā bô siūⁿ boeh kau-pôe. Clifford tō ka-tī kám-kak chiok hong-sîn ê.

Clifford in chhin-chiâⁿ mā túi Connie sǹg chhin-chiat. Yi chai, chit-chióng chhin-chhiat sī in-ūi in m̄-kiaⁿ, chiah-ê lâng lí nā bô sió kā heh-kiaⁿ, in mā bē chun-kèng lí. Kāng-khoán, yi kap in mā bô kau-pôe. Yi chiap-siū in ê chhin-chhiat kap khòaⁿ-lâng-bô, hō͘ in kám-kak m̄-bián chhù-chhù thê-hông. Yi kap in bô chin-chiàⁿ ê khan-liân.

Sî-kan án-ne kòe. M̄-koán hoat-seng siáⁿ, lóng bô siáⁿ, in-ūi yi si̍t-si̍t chāi-chāi bô siáⁿ-mih tùi-gōa ê chiap-chhiok. Yi hām Clifford seng-oa̍h tī ka-tī ê su-sióng kap Clifford ê chheh lāi-té. Yi chiau-thāi... chhù nih chóng-sī ū lâng-khek. Sî-kan tòe sî-cheng kiâⁿ, peh-tiám pòaⁿ tòe tī chhit-tiám pòaⁿ āu-piah lâi.

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2.4 厝 nih 常在有人客

伊恬恬想一下了, 規个面反紅. 伊誠受氣, 受著侮辱.

"按怎無適合她?" 伊諍喙 kā 應.

"她 lú 來 lú 瘦... 賰骨. 她本來毋是 án-ne. 她毋是瘦抽 ê 鰮仔魚, 她是媠 tang-tang ê Scotland 鱒魚."

"無斑點 ê. 一定是!" Clifford 講.

後來, 伊想欲 kap Connie 討論守活寡 ê 代誌... 講她無性生活 ê 這層代. 毋過伊無法度開喙. 伊 kap Connie 有夠親密, 又 koh 無夠親密. In 兩人 ê 心靈交結做伙, 毋過 in ê 肉體又 koh 無做伙, 兩人攏無法度忍受肉體事件 ê 討論. In hiah-nī 親密煞攏無真正 ê 親近.

Connie 臆會著, 姻老爸有 kā Clifford 講啥, Clifford kā 彼囥 tī 心內. 她知, Clifford 無關心到底她是守活寡抑是討契兄, 只要莫予伊知, 莫予伊看著. 無看著 kap 毋知影 ê 代誌, tō 是無存在 ê 代誌.

Connie 和 Clifford 已經來 Wragby 欲兩冬, 茫茫生活, 全心注入 tī Clifford kap 伊 ê 作品. In ê 趣味一直做伙漂流 tī 伊 ê 作品. In 討論 mā 爭論文章 ê 構成, 感覺 tī 空虛中間 ká-ná 有啥 teh 發生, 真正 teh 發生.

到今, 這 tō 是生活: 空虛 ê 生活. 別項 ê, 攏無. Wragby tī 遐, 家僕... 不過是鬼影, 無真正存在. Connie 會去林園 nih, 去 kap 林園相連 ê 樹林散步, 享受遐 ê 僻靜 kap 神祕, 跤踏秋天 ê 焦葉, 抑是挽春天 sakura 草 (primrose) ê 花. 毋過, 這攏是眠夢, 抑是 ná 像是現實 ê 幻影. 橡樹 ê 葉仔, 在她看來, tō ná 鏡內底搖動 ê 樹葉. 她家己 tō ná 古冊內底 ê 人物, 挽 ê sakura 草 ê 花, ká-ná 是影抑記持, 抑文字. 在她, 無實質, 無啥... 無接觸, 無連繫! 干焦有這个 kap Clifford 做伙 ê 生活, chiah-ê 絲線結 ê 網, 意識 ê 細節等等不盡 ê 纓纏, chiah-ê Malcolm Sià 講無啥, 袂久長 ê 故事. 故事內底是按怎著有啥, 是按怎著久長? 邪惡來到進前, 咱 án-ne 過 tō 會使 ah. 現實出現進前, 咱 án-ne 過 tō 可以 lah.

Clifford 有真濟朋友, 實際上只是相捌, 伊邀請 in 來 Wragby. 伊邀請各種人, 批評家 kap 作家, 會鬥 o-ló 伊 ê 冊 ê 人. Chiah-ê 人被邀請, 感覺真光彩, tō kā o-ló. 這, Connie 攏真清楚. Án-ne 有啥毋好? 這只是鏡 nih ê 一種游動 ê 形影. Án-ne 有佗位毋著?

她 àn-nāi chiah-ê 人... 大部分是查埔人. 她 mā àn-nāi Clifford in 有時會來 ê 貴族親 chiâⁿ. 因為她是一个溫柔, 紅牙, 庄跤模樣 ê 姑娘, 雀斑面, 藍色大目睭, 赤色 khiû 頭毛, 柔軟 ê 聲音, 小可粗勇 ê 查某腰, 逐个 tō kā 看做是一个老派, 婦人 lâng 款 ê 查某. 伊毋是 ná 查埔囡仔 ê "細尾鰮仔魚," 胸坎平, 尻川細. 她是過頭女性, 袂使 siuⁿ 活潑.

自 án-ne, 查埔人, 尤其 hiah-ê 無少年 ê, 攏對她真好. 毋過, 知影若看著她現出一屑仔嬈款, 可憐 ê Clifford tō 會 gōa-nī 艱苦, 她毋准 chiah-ê 查埔烏白來. 她 ê 態度恬靜, 含糊, 她 kap in 無交陪, mā 無想欲交陪. Clifford tō 家己感覺足風神 ê.

Clifford in 親 chiâⁿ mā 對 Connie 算親切. 她知, 這種親切是因為 in 毋驚, chiah-ê 人你若無小 kā 嚇驚, in mā 袂尊敬你. 仝款, 她 kap in mā 無交陪. 她接受 in ê 親切 kap 看人無, 予 in 感覺毋免處處提防. 她 kap in 無真正 ê 牽連.

時間 án-ne 過. 毋管發生啥, 攏無啥, 因為伊實實在在無啥物對外 ê 接觸. 她和 Clifford 生活 tī 家己 ê 思想 kap Clifford ê 冊內底. 她招待... 厝 nih 總是有人客. 時間綴時鐘行, 八點半綴 tī 七點半後壁來.

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2.4

He thought for a moment, then flushed very red. He was angry and offended.

'In what way doesn't it suit her?' he asked stiffly.

'She's getting thin… angular. It's not her style. She's not the pilchard sort of little slip of a girl, she's a bonny Scotch trout.'

'Without the spots, of course!' said Clifford.

He wanted to say something later to Connie about the demi-vierge business… the half-virgin state of her affairs. But he could not bring himself to do it. He was at once too intimate with her and not intimate enough. He was so very much at one with her, in his mind and hers, but bodily they were non-existent to one another, and neither could bear to drag in the corpus delicti. They were so intimate, and utterly out of touch.

Connie guessed, however, that her father had said something, and that something was in Clifford's mind. She knew that he didn't mind whether she were demi-vierge or demi-monde, so long as he didn't absolutely know, and wasn't made to see. What the eye doesn't see and the mind doesn't know, doesn't exist.

Connie and Clifford had now been nearly two years at Wragby, living their vague life of absorption in Clifford and his work. Their interests had never ceased to flow together over his work. They talked and wrestled in the throes of composition, and felt as if something were happening, really happening, really in the void.

And thus far it was a life: in the void. For the rest it was non-existence. Wragby was there, the servants… but spectral, not really existing. Connie went for walks in the park, and in the woods that joined the park, and enjoyed the solitude and the mystery, kicking the brown leaves of autumn, and picking the primroses of spring. But it was all a dream; or rather it was like the simulacrum of reality. The oak-leaves were to her like oak-leaves seen ruffling in a mirror, she herself was a figure somebody had read about, picking primroses that were only shadows or memories, or words. No substance to her or anything… no touch, no contact! Only this life with Clifford, this endless spinning of webs of yarn, of the minutiae of consciousness, these stories Sir Malcolm said there was nothing in, and they wouldn't last. Why should there be anything in them, why should they last? Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Sufficient unto the moment is the appearance of reality.

Clifford had quite a number of friends, acquaintances really, and he invited them to Wragby. He invited all sorts of people, critics and writers, people who would help to praise his books. And they were flattered at being asked to Wragby, and they praised. Connie understood it all perfectly. But why not? This was one of the fleeting patterns in the mirror. What was wrong with it?

She was hostess to these people… mostly men. She was hostess also to Clifford's occasional aristocratic relations. Being a soft, ruddy, country-looking girl, inclined to freckles, with big blue eyes, and curling, brown hair, and a soft voice, and rather strong, female loins she was considered a little old-fashioned and 'womanly'. She was not a 'little pilchard sort of fish', like a boy, with a boy's flat breast and little buttocks. She was too feminine to be quite smart.

So the men, especially those no longer young, were very nice to her indeed. But, knowing what torture poor Clifford would feel at the slightest sign of flirting on her part, she gave them no encouragement at all. She was quiet and vague, she had no contact with them and intended to have none. Clifford was extraordinarily proud of himself.

His relatives treated her quite kindly. She knew that the kindliness indicated a lack of fear, and that these people had no respect for you unless you could frighten them a little. But again she had no contact. She let them be kindly and disdainful, she let them feel they had no need to draw their steel in readiness. She had no real connexion with them.

Time went on. Whatever happened, nothing happened, because she was so beautifully out of contact. She and Clifford lived in their ideas and his books. She entertained… there were always people in the house. Time went on as the clock does, half-past eight instead of half-past seven.

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