3.5 In-ūi bô hi-bāng, bô hoat-tō͘ chhim-ài
Ki-pún ê sū-si̍t sī tī, i lêng-hûn ê siōng ē-té, i sī chi̍t ê gōa-lâng, chi̍t ê hoán-siā-hōe-chiá, tī sim lāi-té i chiap-siū che, m̄-koán i ê gōa-piáu sī gōa-nī-á tòe sî-kiâⁿ. Chit-chióng ko͘-to̍k sī i ê pit-iàu; he tō ná i gōa-piáu tòe sî-kiâⁿ, kau-pôe sin-phài jîn-sū kāng-khoán, lóng sī i ê pit-iàu.
M̄-koh ū-sî-á loân-ài chi̍t-ē, thang-hó hiáng-siū, sóng-khoài, mā sī hó-sū; che i bē bōng-un. Tian-tò sī, i jia̍t-lia̍t koh chhim-khek kám-kek jīm-hô chhut-chū chū-jiân, pún-sim ê koan-hoâi: kám-kek kah boeh lâu ba̍k-sái. Tī i he pe̍h-pe̍h, pêng-chēng, hoàn-bia̍t ê bīn ē-bīn, i ê gín-á lêng-hûn ūi hit ê cha-bó͘ kám-kek teh khàu, jia̍t-lia̍t boeh koh óa-kīn yi; tông-sî, i hit ê hông hìⁿ-sak ê lêng-hûn, khiok chai-iáⁿ, i tio̍h kap yi lī hn̄g-hn̄g.
In tī kheh-tn̂g tiám la̍h-chek boeh tńg pâng-keng ê sî, i chhōe chi̍t ê ki-hōe kap yi kóng-ōe:
"Góa ē-sái lâi bô?"
"Góa khì lí hia," yi kóng.
"Oh, hó!"
I tán yi tán kah chiok kú... lo̍h-bóe yi ū lâi.
I sī hit-chióng siū chhì-kek tō ka-lún-sún ê chêng-jîn, chin kín tō kàu hiám-tiám, tō kiat-sok. I ê lō͘-thé ū koài-koài ná gín-á, bô té-khòng-le̍k ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ: tō ná gín-á thǹg-kng-kng ê sî. I ê té-khòng-le̍k chāi tī i ê ki-khá kap kan-chà, he sī thian-seng ê kan-chà, nā bô chiah-ê, i ka-pōe ná bô chhēng-saⁿ, ná gín-á, phôe-hu iù koh chíⁿ, tī hia chò bô-bāng ê kún-liòng.
I ín-khí Connie chi̍t chióng iá-sèng ê thiàⁿ-thàng kap kî-thāi, chi̍t chióng iá-sèng ê tùi bah-thé io̍k-bōng ê su-iàu. I bô hoat-tō͘ boan-chiok yi ê bah-thé io̍k-bōng; i chóng-sī kín-kín tō hó-sè, tō kiat-sok, tō khut tī yi ê heng-khám, ná hoe-ho̍k i ê kāu-bīn-phôe; iah chit-sî yi bâng-bâng tó leh, sit-bōng koh sit-ì.
M̄-koh, āu-lâi Connie chin kín tō chai-iáⁿ, tī i hiám-tiám kòe liáu, ài kā i lám tio̍h, hō͘ i koh lâu tī yi lāi-té. Chit chi̍t tiám, i chin phòe-ha̍p, mā chò ē-kàu; i tī yi lāi-té koh ngē-ngē, chāi yi khì tōng-chok... hong-kông, jia̍t-lia̍t teh tōng-chok, it-tit kàu yi ê hiám-tiám. Tán i kám-kak tio̍h, yi ta̍t-kàu hong-kông khoài-kám, sī in-ūi i pī-tōng ê ngē kap khiàu, i soah ū chi̍t chióng kî-koài ê chū-tit kap móa-ì.
"Ah, chiâⁿ chán!" yi khin-khin iōng chùn-tāng ê siaⁿ kóng, tiām-tiām kā lám tio̍h. Iah i neh, ko͘-to̍k tó tī hia, m̄-koh chin tek-ì.
Hit kái i kan-ta tī hia tòa saⁿ kang, tùi Clifford ê thāi-tō͘ kap tē-it àm kāng-khoán; tùi Connie mā sī án-ne. I ê gōa-piáu chi̍t tiám-á to bô kái-piàn.
I siá-phe hō͘ Connie, kāng-khoán sī hit-chióng iu-chhiû, ut-chut ê pit-tiāu, ū-sî chin chhiò-khoe, iū-koh tòa ū chi̍t-chióng kî-miāu, bô khan-sia̍p sèng ê chêng-ì. I ná kám-kak tùi yi sī bô hi-bāng ê chêng-ì, nn̄g lâng hn̄g-hn̄g ê keh-lī iáu-sī kāng-khoán. I ê lāi-sim sī bô hi-bāng, i mā bô ài ū hi-bāng. I siong-tong thó-ià hi-bāng. I bat tī tó-ūi tha̍k-kòe "Chi̍t ê tòa hi-bāng lâi kàu tē-kiû," tī hia i kā chù-kì: "... chū án-ne, chit ê hi-bāng im tiāu so͘-ū ta̍t-tit ū ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ."
Connie m̄-bat chin-chiàⁿ liáu-kái i, m̄-koh yi iōng ka-tī ê hong-sek ài i. Yi it-ti̍t lóng kám-kak ē tio̍h i ê bô hi-bāng. Yi bô hoat-tō͘ chhim-chhim ài koh bô hi-bāng. Iah nā i, in-ūi bô hi-bāng, kin-pún bô hoat-tō͘ chhim ài.
Án-ne, in kè-sio̍k kau-óng chi̍t tōaⁿ sî-kan, siá-phe, ū-sî khì London iok-hōe. Yi iáu-sī kah-ì tī i sió-khóa sóng kòe liáu-āu, khò ka-tī ê tōng-chok ùi i hia só͘ tit-tio̍h ê hit-chióng bah-thé khoài-kám. I mā goān-ì hō͘ yi. Án-ne tō ū-kàu hō͘ in ûi-chhî koan-hē.
Mā ū-kàu hō͘ yi chi̍t chióng bî-miāu ê chū-sìn, chi̍t chióng bông-bo̍k, sió-khóa chū-tāi ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Che chha-put-to sī tùi yi ka-tī lêng-le̍k ê ki-khì-hòa chū-sìn, ē tit-tio̍h chin tōa ê khoài-lo̍k.
Yi tī Wragby hui-siông khoài-lo̍k. Yi lī-iōng chit-chióng khoài-lo̍k kap móa-ì khì kó͘-lē Clifford, só͘-í chit ê sî-chūn i siá liáu siōng hó, hō͘ i bo̍k-bêng-kî-miāu kám-kak chiok hoaⁿ-hí. Ē-sái kóng, i siu-sêng ê kó-si̍t sī lâi-chū Connie ùi Michaelis pī-tōng ngē tī yi lāi-té só͘ tit-tio̍h ê sèng boán-chiok. M̄-koh, tong-jiân, i chiông-lâi m̄-chai che, i nā chai, i chiah bē kóng kám-siā!
M̄-koh, yi hiah-ê hō͘ yi tōa khoài-lo̍k kap chhì-kek ê ji̍t-chí kòe-khì, oân-choân kòe-khì liáu-āu, yi piàn-sêng ap-ut koh chhiong-tōng, Clifford chiâⁿ siàu-liām hiah-ê kòe-khì! I nā chai, hoān-sè i ē hi-bāng Connie hām Michaelis koh-chài siong-hó!
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3.5 因為無希望, 無法度深愛
基本 ê 事實是, tī 伊靈魂 ê 上下底, 伊是一个外人, 一个反社會者, tī 心內底伊接受這, 毋管伊 ê 外表是偌 nī-á 綴時行. 這種孤獨是伊 ê 必要; 彼 tō ná 伊外表綴時行, 交陪新派人士仝款, 攏是伊 ê 必要.
毋過有時仔戀愛一下, 通好享受, 爽快, mā 是好事; 這伊袂忘恩. 顛倒是, 伊熱烈 koh 深刻感激任何出自自然, 本心 ê 關懷: 感激甲欲流目屎. Tī 伊彼白白, 平靜, 幻滅 ê 面下面, 伊 ê 囡仔靈魂為彼个查某感激 teh 哭, 熱烈欲 koh 倚近她; 同時, 伊彼个 hông 挕捒 ê 靈魂, 卻知影, 伊著 kap 她離遠遠.
In tī 客堂點蠟燭欲轉房間 ê 時, 伊揣一个機會 kap 她講話:
"我會使來無?"
"我去你遐," 她講.
"Oh, 好!"
伊等她等甲足久... 落尾 她有來.
伊是彼種受刺激 tō ka-lún-sún ê 情人, 真緊 tō 到險點, tō 結束. 伊 ê 露體有怪怪 ná 囡仔, 無抵抗力 ê 物件: tō ná 囡仔褪光光 ê 時. 伊 ê 抵抗力在 tī 伊 ê 技巧 kap 奸詐, 彼是天生 ê 奸詐, 若無 chiah-ê, 伊加倍 ná 無穿衫, ná 囡仔, 皮膚幼 koh 茈, tī 遐做無望 ê 滾躘.
伊引起 Connie 一種野性 ê 疼痛 kap 期待, 一種野性 ê 對肉體慾望 ê 需要. 伊無法度滿足她 ê 肉體慾望; 伊總是緊緊 tō 好勢, tō 結束, tō 屈 tī 她 ê 胸坎, ná 恢復伊 ê 厚面皮; iah 這時她茫茫倒 leh, 失望 koh 失意.
毋過, 後來 Connie 真緊 tō 知影, tī 伊險點過了, 愛 kā 伊攬著, 予伊 koh 留 tī 她內底. 這一點, 伊真配合, mā 做會到; 伊 tī 她內底 koh 硬硬, 在她去動作... 瘋狂, 熱烈 teh 動作, 一直到她 ê 險點. 等伊感覺著, 她達到瘋狂快感, 是因為伊被動 ê 硬 kap 翹, 伊煞有一種奇怪 ê 自得 kap 滿意.
"Ah, 誠讚!" 她輕輕用顫動 ê 聲講, 恬恬 kā 攬著. Iah 伊 neh, 孤獨倒 tī 遐, 毋過真得意.
彼改伊干焦 tī 遐蹛三工, 對 Clifford ê 態度 kap 第一暗仝款; 對 Connie mā 是 án-ne. 伊 ê 外表一點仔 to 無改變.
伊寫批予 Connie, 仝款是彼種憂愁, 鬱卒 ê 筆調, 有時真笑詼, 又 koh 帶有一種奇妙, 無牽涉性 ê 情意. 伊 ná 感覺對她是無希望 ê 情意, 兩人遠遠 ê 隔離猶是仝款. 伊 ê 內心是無希望, 伊 mā 無愛有希望. 伊相當討厭希望. 伊 bat tī 佗位讀過 "一个大希望來到地球," tī 遐伊 kā 註記: "... 自 án-ne, 這个希望淹掉所有值得有 ê 物件."
Connie m̄-bat 真正了解伊, 毋過她用家己 ê 方式愛伊. 她一直攏感覺會著伊 ê 無希望. 她無法度深深愛 koh 無希望. Iah 若伊, 因為無希望, 根本無法度深愛.
Án-ne, in 繼續交往一段時間, 寫批, 有時去 London 約會. 她猶是佮意 tī 伊小可爽過了後, 靠家己 ê 動作 ùi 伊遐所得著 ê 彼種肉體快感. 伊 mā 願意予她. Án-ne tō 有夠予 in 維持關係.
Mā 有夠予她一種微妙 ê 自信, 一種盲目, 小可自大 ê 物件. 這差不多是對她家己能力 ê 機器化自信, 會得著真大 ê 快樂.
她 tī Wragby 非常快樂. 她利用這種快樂 kap 滿意去鼓勵 Clifford, 所以這个時陣伊寫了上好, 予伊莫名其妙感覺足歡喜. 會使講, 伊收成 ê 果實是來自 Connie ùi Michaelis 被動硬 tī 她內底所得著 ê 性滿足. 毋過, 當然, 伊從來毋知這, 伊若知, 伊才袂講感謝!
毋過, 她 hiah-ê 予她大快樂 kap 刺激 ê 日子過去, 完全過去了後, 她變成壓鬱 koh 衝動, Clifford 誠數念 hiah-ê 過去! 伊若知, 凡勢伊會希望 Connie 和 Michaelis koh 再相好!
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3.5
The final fact being that at the very bottom of his soul he was an outsider, and anti-social, and he accepted the fact inwardly, no matter how Bond-Streety he was on the outside. His isolation was a necessity to him; just as the appearance of conformity and mixing-in with the smart people was also a necessity.
But occasional love, as a comfort and soothing, was also a good thing, and he was not ungrateful. On the contrary, he was burningly, poignantly grateful for a piece of natural, spontaneous kindness: almost to tears. Beneath his pale, immobile, disillusioned face, his child's soul was sobbing with gratitude to the woman, and burning to come to her again; just as his outcast soul was knowing he would keep really clear of her.
He found an opportunity to say to her, as they were lighting the candles in the hall:
'May I come?'
'I'll come to you,' she said.
'Oh, good!'
He waited for her a long time… but she came.
He was the trembling excited sort of lover, whose crisis soon came, and was finished. There was something curiously childlike and defenceless about his naked body: as children are naked. His defences were all in his wits and cunning, his very instincts of cunning, and when these were in abeyance he seemed doubly naked and like a child, of unfinished, tender flesh, and somehow struggling helplessly.
He roused in the woman a wild sort of compassion and yearning, and a wild, craving physical desire. The physical desire he did not satisfy in her; he was always come and finished so quickly, then shrinking down on her breast, and recovering somewhat his effrontery while she lay dazed, disappointed, lost.
But then she soon learnt to hold him, to keep him there inside her when his crisis was over. And there he was generous and curiously potent; he stayed firm inside her, giving to her, while she was active… wildly, passionately active, coming to her own crisis. And as he felt the frenzy of her achieving her own orgasmic satisfaction from his hard, erect passivity, he had a curious sense of pride and satisfaction.
'Ah, how good!' she whispered tremulously, and she became quite still, clinging to him. And he lay there in his own isolation, but somehow proud.
He stayed that time only the three days, and to Clifford was exactly the same as on the first evening; to Connie also. There was no breaking down his external man.
He wrote to Connie with the same plaintive melancholy note as ever, sometimes witty, and touched with a queer, sexless affection. A kind of hopeless affection he seemed to feel for her, and the essential remoteness remained the same. He was hopeless at the very core of him, and he wanted to be hopeless. He rather hated hope. Une immense espérance a traversé la terre[1], he read somewhere, and his comment was: '— and it's darned-well drowned everything worth having.'
Connie never really understood him, but, in her way, she loved him. And all the time she felt the reflection of his hopelessness in her. She couldn't quite, quite love in hopelessness. And he, being hopeless, couldn't ever quite love at all.
So they went on for quite a time, writing, and meeting occasionally in London. She still wanted the physical, sexual thrill she could get with him by her own activity, his little orgasm being over. And he still wanted to give it her. Which was enough to keep them connected.
And enough to give her a subtle sort of self-assurance, something blind and a little arrogant. It was an almost mechanical confidence in her own powers, and went with a great cheerfulness.
She was terrifically cheerful at Wragby. And she used all her aroused cheerfulness and satisfaction to stimulate Clifford, so that he wrote his best at this time, and was almost happy in his strange blind way. He really reaped the fruits of the sensual satisfaction she got out of Michaelis' male passivity erect inside her. But of course he never knew it, and if he had, he wouldn't have said thank-you!
Yet when those days of her grand joyful cheerfulness and stimulus were gone, quite gone, and she was depressed and irritable, how Clifford longed for them again! Perhaps if he'd known he might even have wished to get her and Michaelis together again.
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