4.3 Lán piak khui-khui, hō͘-siong phe-phêng
Chē-chē àm-mê, Connie chē hia thiaⁿ chit sì ê cha-po͘-lâng kóng in ê sim-sū! Chiah-ê kap kî-thaⁿ ê chi̍t, nn̄g lâng. In kóng-lâi kóng-khì bô kiat-lūn, che mā bē hō͘ yi khùn-jiáu. Yi kah-ì thiaⁿ in thò͘-lō͘ sim-siaⁿ, iû-kî sī Tommy chāi-tiûⁿ ê sî. Án-ne chiâⁿ chhù-bī. Chiah-ê lâng bē iōng sin-khu chim lí, bong lí, in kan-ta hiòng lí piáu-ta̍t in ê sim-su. Che si̍t-chāi ū kàu chhù-bī! M̄-koh in lóng chiâⁿ léng-chēng ah!
Án-ne mā ū tām-po̍h khùn-jiáu. Connie tùi Michaelis khah chun-kèng, m̄-koh chit ê miâ in lóng chiâⁿ khòaⁿ-bô, kā keng-thé chò hó-ūn ê sió cha̍p-chéng, bô kàu-ióng ê siōng chha ê chháu-pau. M̄-koán sī m̄-sī cha̍p-chéng a̍h-sī chháu-pau, i sī khò ka-tī chiah sêng-kong ê. Tī sim-lêng seng-oa̍h ê lí-tô͘, i m̄-sī kan-ta khò chhian-giân bān-gí tit-lâi ê.
Connie chin kah-ì sim-chì ê seng-oa̍h, ùi he mā tit-tio̍h chin tōa ê sóng-khoài. M̄-koh yi jīn-ûi, tak8-ê kā kóng-liáu siuⁿ kòe-thâu. Yi ài chē hia, thiaⁿ hiah-ê sí-tóng tī àm-sî ná pok-hun ná khai-káng: su-té-hā yi án-ne chheng-hō͘ in. Yi kám-kak hó-sńg, mā chin tek-ì, in-ūi nā bô yi tiām-tiām chē hia, in ê khai-káng tō bô hoat-tō͘ sòa-phah. Yi tùi su-sióng ū chin koân ê chun-kèng... chiah-ê cha-po͘, siōng-bô lóng siūⁿ kah chin jīn-chin. M̄-koh chóng ū chi̍t ê tiám, bô hoat-tō͘ khai-phòa. In kāng-khoán lóng teh kóng kóa siáⁿ, m̄-koh he sī siáⁿ, ùi yi ê sin-miā, yi kóng bē lâi. He mā sī Mick bô pìⁿ chheng-chhó ê tiám.
M̄-koh Mick pēng bô siūⁿ boeh chhòng siáⁿ, kan-ta siūⁿ boeh peng-an sūn-lī, ná pa̍t-lâng tùi-thāi i án-ne, bêng-pia̍t paiu-ta̍t ka-tī hō͘ pa̍t-lâng chai. I hoán siā-hōe, chit tiám hō͘ Clifford hām in sí-tóng hoán-tùi i. Clifford hām in sí-tóng pēng bô hoán siā-hōe; in ke-kiám ū-sim boeh kái-kiù jîn-lūi, a̍h-sī kóng, siōng-bô in siūⁿ boeh chí-tō jîn-lūi.
Lé-pài hit àm ū chin lāu-jia̍t ê thó-lūn, ōe-tê koh-chài sóa kàu ài-chêng.
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"Chiok-goān chit ê kiat-ha̍p kā
Lán ê sim ân-ân pa̍k chò-hóe..."
=
Tommy Dukes kóng, "Chit ê kiat-ha̍p sī chí siáⁿ... Tī chia, pa̍k lán chò-hóe ê kiat-ha̍p sī lán sim-chì ê mô͘-chhat. Tî-liáu he í-gōa, lán tiong-kan ká-ná bô siáⁿ-mih kiat-ha̍p. Lán piak khui-khui, hō͘-siong phe-phêng, kap sè-kài só͘-ū kai-sí ê tì-sek hūn-chú kāng-khoán. Só͘-ū kai-sí ê lâng, ta̍k-ê lóng án-ne chò. Nā bô án-ne, lán tio̍h piak khui-khui, tio̍h iōng hó-thiaⁿ-ōe am-khàm lán hō͘-siong boeh phe-phêng ê tāi-chì. Che tō kî-koài, cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h ê hoe-lúi soah ná tio̍h tèng-kin tī oàn-hūn, tī pháiⁿ kóng koh bô té ê oàn-hūn. It-ti̍t lóng sī án-ne! Lí khòaⁿ Socrates, Plato, kap in hit kōaⁿ lâng! Chóng-sī kan-ta oàn-hūn, kan-ta siūⁿ boeh kā bó͘-lâng phah tó... Protagoras, a̍h bô-lūn siáng lóng hó! Koh-ū, Alcibiades, kap hiah-ê ka-ji̍p chiàn-tàu ê bûn-tô͘ sió káu! Góa tio̍h kóng, che hō͘ lâng khah kah-ì Hu̍t-chó, tiām-tiām chē tī phô͘-thê chhiū kha, a̍h sī Iâ-so͘ kóng lé-pài ê sió kò͘-sū hō͘ bûn-tô͘ thiaⁿ, sim-pêng khì-hô, bô siáⁿ cheng-sîn siōng ê ian-hóe. M̄-tio̍h, cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h kin-pún-tek tiāⁿ-tio̍h ū siáⁿ m̄-tio̍h. I ê kin-goân sī ok-to̍k kap oàn-tò͘, oàn-tò͘ kap ok-to̍k. Lí tio̍h ùi i ê kóe-chí lâi phòaⁿ-toàn hit châng chhiū."
"Góa bô kám-kak lán ta̍k-ê lóng hiah-nī oàn-hūn," Clifford khòng-gī.
"Chhin-ài ê Clifford, siūⁿ khòaⁿ-māi, lán án-chóaⁿ hō͘-siong phe-phêng, lán ta̍k-ê. Góa pí pa̍t-lâng lóng khah chha, góa ka-tī. Góa lêng-khó ti̍t-kak ê oàn-hūn mā bô ài hó-thiaⁿ-ōe; in-ūi he sī to̍k-io̍h; chhin-chhiūⁿ góa kóng Clifford sī gōa hó ê lâng, tt*, soah koh oàn-hūn Clifford. Kám-siā Sîn, lín nā lóng kóng góa ê pháiⁿ-ōe, án-ne góa tō chai, lín iáu sī khòaⁿ góa ē-tio̍h. M̄-thang kóng hó-thiaⁿ-ōe, nā bô, góa tō khiau khì ah." [* tt = téng-téng]
"Oh, m̄-koh góa siong-sìn, lán lóng hō͘-siong chin-sim thiàⁿ-sioh," Hammond kóng.
"Góa kā lí kóng, lán tio̍h... lán hō͘-siong tī kha-chiah-āu kóng pháiⁿ-ōe! Iû-kî sī góa, góa siōng chhám."
"Góa siūⁿ, lí kā cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h kap phe-phêng ê oa̍h-tāng chhap chò-hóe ah. Góa tông-ì, Socrates tōa-tōa thui-sak phe-phêng oa̍h-tāng, m̄-koh i iáu ū chò kî-thaⁿ ê," Charlie May kóng, kek kah chiâⁿ khoân-ui. Chiah-ê sí-tóng, piáu-bīn khiam-hi, si̍t-chè lóng chiok chū-tāi. Lóng chiok ū khì-sè, koh ké kah chiok pi-bî.
Dukes bô-ài koh kóng Socrates.
"Tek-khak, phe-phêng kap ha̍k-būn sī nn̄g hôe sū," Hammond kóng.
"Tong-jîn, in bô sio-kāng," Berry tòe-chhùi kóng; i sī chi̍t ê chhiah thâu-mo͘, pì-sù ê siàu-liân, lâi pài-hóng Dukes, lâu chia kòe-mê.
Ta̍k-ê lóng khòaⁿ i, bē-su lî-á teh kóng-ōe.
"Góa m̄-sī teh kóng ha̍k-būn... góa kóng ê sī cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h," Dukes chhiò leh kóng. "Chin-chiàⁿ ê ha̍k-būn lâi-chū ì-sek ê chóng-thé; m̄-nā lâi-chū lí ê thâu-khak kap sim-chì, mā lâi-chū lí ê pak-tó͘ kap lí ê lān-chiáu. Sim-chì kan-ta ē-tàng hun-sek kap thui-lūn. Nā kā sim-chì kap thui-lí iōng tī kî-tha ê só͘-chāi, in tō kan-ta ē-hiáu phe-phêng, tō kiâⁿ bô-pô͘ ah. Góa kóng in kan-ta ē-hiáu. Che chin tiōng-iàu. Thiⁿ ah, taⁿ ê sè-kài su-iàu phe-phêng... phe-phêng kah boeh sí. Só͘-í, lán iáu sī lâi kòe cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h, chiap-la̍p oàn-hūn lāi-té ê êng-kng, pak-tiāu hú-pāi ê lāu pá-hì. M̄-koh, lí tio̍h chú-ì: kòe seng-oa̍h ê sî, lí tī bó͘ chióng thêng-tō͘ sī ū sèⁿ-miā ê iú-ki chéng-thé. It-tān lí khai-sí cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h, lí tō ná bán-lo̍h língò. Lí chhiat-tn̄g língò kap chhiū-á ê koan-hē: iú-ki ê koan-hē. Jû-kó tî-liáu cheng-sîn seng-oa̍h, lí ê seng-oa̍h siáⁿ lóng bô, lí ka-tī tō ná bán lo̍h-lâi ê língò... í-keng lak-lo̍h chhiū-á lah. Nā án-ne, oàn-hūn sī chi̍t ê ha̍p-lí-tek ê su-iàu, tō ná bán lo̍h-lâi ê língò ē nōa-khì mā sī chi̍t ê chū-jiân ê su-iàu."
Clifford ba̍k-chiu tián tōa: chiah-ê tùi i bô siáⁿ ì-gī. Connie ka-tī thau-thau-á chhiò.
"Mh, lán lóng sī bán-lo̍h ê língò," Hammond kóng, sng-sng, sió-khóa ū hóe-khì.
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4.3 咱煏開開, 互相批評
濟濟暗暝, Connie 坐遐聽這四个查埔人講 in ê 心事! Chiah-ê kap 其他 ê 一, 二人. In 講來講去無結論, 這 mā 袂予她困擾. 她佮意聽 in 討論心聲, 尤其是 Tommy 在場 ê 時. Án-ne 誠趣味. Chiah-ê 人袂用身軀唚你, 摸你, in 干焦向你表達 in ê 心思. Che 實在有夠趣味! M̄-koh in 攏誠冷靜 ah!
Án-ne mā 有淡薄困擾. Connie 對 Michaelis 較尊敬, m̄-koh 這个名 in 攏誠看無, kā keng-thé 做好運 ê 小雜種, 無教養 ê 上差 ê 草包. 毋管是毋是雜種抑是草包, 伊是靠家己才成功 ê. Tī 心靈生活 ê 旅途, 伊毋是干焦靠千言萬語得來 ê.
Connie 真佮意心志 ê 生活, ùi 彼 mā 得著真大 ê 爽快. M̄-koh 她認為, 逐个 kā 講了 siuⁿ 過頭. 她愛坐遐, 聽 hiah-ê 死黨 tī 暗時 ná pok 薰 ná 開講: 私底下她 án-ne 稱呼 in. 她感覺好耍, mā 真得意, 因為若無她恬恬坐遐, in ê 開講 tō 無法度紲拍. 她對思想有真懸 ê 尊敬... chiah-ê 查埔, 上無攏想 kah 真認真. M̄-koh 總有一个點, 無法度開破. In 仝款攏 teh 講寡啥, m̄-koh 彼是啥, ùi 她 ê 身命, 她講袂來. 彼 mā 是 Mick 無 pìⁿ 清楚 ê 點.
M̄-koh Mick 並無想欲創啥, 干焦想欲平安順利, ná 別人對待伊 án-ne, 明白表達予別人知. 伊反社會, 這點予 Clifford 和 in 死黨反對伊. Clifford 和 in 死黨並無反社會; in 加減有心欲解救人類, 抑是講, 上無 in 想欲指導人類.
禮拜彼暗有真鬧熱 ê 討論, 話題 koh 再徙到愛情.
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"祝願這个結合 kā
咱 ê 心 ân-ân 縛做伙..."
=
Tommy Dukes 講, "這个結合是指啥... Tī 遮, 縛咱做伙 ê 結合是咱心志 ê 磨擦. 除了彼以外, 咱中間 ká-ná 無啥物結合. 咱煏開開, 互相批評, kap 世界所有 ê 智識份子仝款. 所有該死 ê 人, ta̍k-ê 攏 án-ne 做. 若無 án-ne, 咱著煏開開, 著用好聽話掩崁咱互相欲批評 ê 代誌. 這 tō 奇怪, 精神生活 ê 花蕊煞 ná 著釘根 tī 怨恨, tī 歹講 koh 無底 ê 怨恨. 一直攏是 án-ne! 你看 Socrates, Plato, kap in 彼寡人! 總是干焦怨恨, 干焦想欲 kā 某人拍倒... Protagoras, 抑無論 siáng 攏好! Koh-ū, Alcibiades, kap hiah-ê 加入戰鬥 ê 門徒小狗! 我著講, 這予人較佮意佛祖, 恬恬坐 tī 普提樹跤, 抑是耶穌講禮拜 ê 小故事予門徒聽, 心平氣和, 無啥精神上 ê 煙火. 毋著, 精神生活根本的定著有啥毋著. 伊 ê 根源是惡毒 kap 怨妒, 怨妒 kap 惡毒. 你著 ùi 伊 ê 果子來判斷彼叢樹."
"我無感覺咱逐个攏 hiah-nī 怨恨," Clifford 抗議.
"親愛 ê Clifford, 想看覓, 咱按怎互相批評, 咱逐个. 我比別人攏較差, 我家己. 我寧可直覺 ê 怨恨 mā 無愛好聽話; 因為彼是毒藥; 親像我講 Clifford 是偌好 ê 人, tt*, 煞 koh 怨恨 Clifford. 感謝神, 恁若攏講我 ê 歹話, án-ne 我 tō 知, 恁猶是看我會著. 毋通講好聽話, 若無, 我 tō khiau 去 ah." [* tt = téng-téng 等等]
"Oh, m̄-koh 我相信, 咱攏互相真心疼惜," Hammond 講.
"我 kā 你講, 咱著... 咱互相 tī 尻脊後講歹話! 尤其是我, 我上慘."
"我想, 你 kā 精神生活 kap 批評 ê 活動 chhap 做伙 ah. 我同意, Socrates 大大推捒批評活動, m̄-koh 伊猶有做其他 ê," Charlie May 講, 激 kah 誠權威. Chiah-ê 死黨表面謙虛, 實際攏足自大. 攏足有氣勢, koh 假 kah 足卑微.
Dukes 無愛 koh 講 Socrates.
"的確, 批評 kap 學問是兩回事," Hammond 講.
"當然, in 無相仝," Berry 綴喙講; 伊是一个赤頭毛, pì-sù ê 少年, 來拜訪 Dukes, 留遮過暝.
逐个攏看伊, 袂輸驢仔 teh 講話.
"我毋是 teh 講學問... 我講 ê 是精神生活," Dukes 笑 leh 講. "真正 ê 學問來自意識 ê 總體; m̄-nā 來自你 ê 頭殼 kap 心志, mā 來自你 ê 腹肚 kap 你 ê lān-chiáu. 心志干焦 ē-tàng 分析 kap 推論. 若 kā 心志 kap 推理用 tī 其他 ê 所在, in tō 干焦 ē-hiáu 批評, tō 行無步 ah. 我講 in 干焦 ē-hiáu. 這真重要. 天 ah, 今 ê 世界需要批評 ... 批評 kah 欲死. 所以, 咱猶是來過精神生活, 接納怨恨內底 ê 榮光, 剝掉腐敗 ê 老把戲. M̄-koh, 你著注意: 過生活 ê 時, 你 tī 某種程度是有性命 ê 有機整體. 一旦你開始精神生活, 你 tō ná 挽落 língò. 你切斷 língò kap 樹仔 ê 關係: 有機 ê 關係. 如果除了精神生活, 你 ê 生活啥攏無, 你家己 tō ná 挽落來 ê língò... 已經 lak 落樹仔 lah. 若 án-ne, 怨恨是一个合理的 ê 需要, tō ná 挽落來 ê língò 會爛去 mā 是一个自然 ê 需要."
Clifford 目睭展大: chiah-ê 對伊無啥意義. Connie 家己偷偷仔笑.
"Mh, 咱攏是挽落 ê língò," Hammond 講, 酸酸, 小可有火氣.
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4.3
How many evenings had Connie sat and listened to the manifestations of these four men! These, and one or two others. That they never seemed to get anywhere didn't trouble her deeply. She liked to hear what they had to say, especially when Tommy was there. It was fun. Instead of men kissing you, and touching you with their bodies, they revealed their minds to you. It was great fun! But what cold minds!
And also it was a little irritating. She had more respect for Michaelis, on whose name they all poured such withering contempt, as a little mongrel arriviste, and uneducated bounder of the worst sort. Mongrel and bounder or not, he jumped to his own conclusions. He didn't merely walk round them with millions of words, in the parade of the life of the mind.
Connie quite liked the life of the mind, and got a great thrill out of it. But she did think it overdid itself a little. She loved being there, amidst the tobacco smoke of those famous evenings of the cronies, as she called them privately to herself. She was infinitely amused, and proud too, that even their talking they could not do, without her silent presence. She had an immense respect for thought… and these men, at least, tried to think honestly. But somehow there was a cat, and it wouldn't jump. They all alike talked at something, though what it was, for the life of her she couldn't say. It was something that Mick didn't clear, either.
But then Mick wasn't trying to do anything, but just get through his life, and put as much across other people as they tried to put across him. He was really anti-social, which was what Clifford and his cronies had against him. Clifford and his cronies were not anti-social; they were more or less bent on saving mankind, or on instructing it, to say the least.
There was a gorgeous talk on Sunday evening, when the conversation drifted again to love.
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'Blest be the tie that binds
Our hearts in kindred something-or-other' —
=
said Tommy Dukes. 'I'd like to know what the tie is…. The tie that binds us just now is mental friction on one another. And, apart from that, there's damned little tie between us. We bust apart, and say spiteful things about one another, like all the other damned intellectuals in the world. Damned everybodies, as far as that goes, for they all do it. Else we bust apart, and cover up the spiteful things we feel against one another by saying false sugaries. It's a curious thing that the mental life seems to flourish with its roots in spite, ineffable and fathomless spite. Always has been so! Look at Socrates, in Plato, and his bunch round him! The sheer spite of it all, just sheer joy in pulling somebody else to bits… Protagoras, or whoever it was! And Alcibiades, and all the other little disciple dogs joining in the fray! I must say it makes one prefer Buddha, quietly sitting under a bo-tree, or Jesus, telling his disciples little Sunday stories, peacefully, and without any mental fireworks. No, there's something wrong with the mental life, radically. It's rooted in spite and envy, envy and spite. Ye shall know the tree by its fruit.'
'I don't think we're altogether so spiteful,' protested Clifford.
'My dear Clifford, think of the way we talk each other over, all of us. I'm rather worse than anybody else, myself. Because I infinitely prefer the spontaneous spite to the concocted sugaries; now they are poison; when I begin saying what a fine fellow Clifford is, etc., etc., then poor Clifford is to be pitied. For God's sake, all of you, say spiteful things about me, then I shall know I mean something to you. Don't say sugaries, or I'm done.'
'Oh, but I do think we honestly like one another,' said Hammond.
'I tell you we must… we say such spiteful things to one another, about one another, behind our backs! I'm the worst.'
'And I do think you confuse the mental life with the critical activity. I agree with you, Socrates gave the critical activity a grand start, but he did more than that,' said Charlie May, rather magisterially. The cronies had such a curious pomposity under their assumed modesty. It was all so ex cathedra, and it all pretended to be so humble.
Dukes refused to be drawn about Socrates.
'That's quite true, criticism and knowledge are not the same thing,' said Hammond.
'They aren't, of course,' chimed in Berry, a brown, shy young man, who had called to see Dukes, and was staying the night.
They all looked at him as if the ass had spoken.
'I wasn't talking about knowledge… I was talking about the mental life,' laughed Dukes. 'Real knowledge comes out of the whole corpus of the consciousness; out of your belly and your penis as much as out of your brain and mind. The mind can only analyse and rationalize. Set the mind and the reason to cock it over the rest, and all they can do is to criticize, and make a deadness. I say all they can do. It is vastly important. My God, the world needs criticizing today… criticizing to death. Therefore let's live the mental life, and glory in our spite, and strip the rotten old show. But, mind you, it's like this: while you live your life, you are in some way an organic whole with all life. But once you start the mental life you pluck the apple. You've severed the connexion between the apple and the tree: the organic connexion. And if you've got nothing in your life but the mental life, then you yourself are a plucked apple… you've fallen off the tree. And then it is a logical necessity to be spiteful, just as it's a natural necessity for a plucked apple to go bad.'
Clifford made big eyes: it was all stuff to him. Connie secretly laughed to herself.
'Well then we're all plucked apples,' said Hammond, rather acidly and petulantly.
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