5.2 Kap pa̍t-ê cha-po͘ sī siáⁿ ì-sù?
"Bô m̄-tio̍h!" Clifford kóng. "M̄-koh sī goán kā pó-chûn lo̍h-lâi. Nā bô goán, i chá tō bô--khì ah... kap kî-thaⁿ ê chhiū-nâ kāng-khoán bô--kì. Lán tio̍h pó-chûn chi̍t-kóa kū ê England!"
"Tio̍h án-ne?" Connie kóng. "I kám tio̍h khò lán pó-chûn, pó-chûn lâi tùi-khòng sin ê England? Che chiâⁿ chô-sim, góa chai."
"Lāu nā lóng bô pó-chûn lo̍h-lâi, án-ne tō lóng bô sin ê England," Clifford kóng. "Lán--ê ū chit tè thó͘-tē, ū chit chióng siūⁿ-hoat, lán tio̍h kā pó-chûn lo̍h-lâi."
Nn̄g lâng lóng tiām-tiām. "Sī lah, kā pó-chûn chi̍t tōaⁿ sî-kan," Connie kóng.
"Chi̍t tōaⁿ sî-kan! Lán kan-ta ē-tàng án-ne. Lán chīn lán ê la̍t. Góa kám-kak, chū-chiông ū chit tè tē, goán chhù ê cha-po͘-lâng lóng ū chīn i ê la̍t. Lán ē-sái tùi-khòng hong-sio̍k, m̄-koh lán tio̍h pó-chûn thoân-thóng." Nn̄g lâng iū-koh tiām-tiām.
"Siáⁿ-mih thoân-thóng?" Connie mn̄g.
"England ê thoân-thóng! Che tō sī!"
"Góa chai," yi ûn-ûn-á kóng.
"Só͘-í, tio̍h ài ū chi̍t ê kiáⁿ; che chí sī só-liān ê chi̍t ê khian," i kóng.
Connie tùi só-liān bô chhù-bī, m̄-koh yi bô kóng siáⁿ. Yi teh siūⁿ, i giàn boeh ū kiáⁿ, che sī kî-koài, bô ha̍h jîn-chêng."
"Khó-siò, lán bô hoat-tō͘ ū kiaⁿ," Connie kóng.
I phú-nâ ê ba̍k-chiu tián khah tōa-lúi, kim-kim khòaⁿ Connie.
"Lí nā ē-tàng kap pa̍t ê cha-po͘ seⁿ chi̍t ê gín-á, án-ne mā bē-bái," i kóng. "Lán tī Wragby kā chhiâⁿ tōa, i tō sio̍k lán, sio̍k chit ê só͘-chāi. Góa bô chin chù-tiōng hiat-thóng. Nā ū gín-á thang chhiâⁿ, i tō sī lán ê gin-á, i tō ē thn̂g lo̍h-khì. Lí kám bô kám-kak che ta̍t-tit lán khó-lī?"
Connie chóng-sǹg gia̍h ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ i. Gín-á, yi seⁿ ê gín-á, ká-ná sī i ê chi̍t hāng mi̍h-kiāⁿ!
"M̄-koh, pa̍t ê cha-po͘ sī siáⁿ?" yi mn̄g.
"He kám ū iàu-kín? Chit-chióng tāi-chì kám ē éng-hióng lán chin tōa? ... Lí tī Tek-kok kám m̄-sī bat ū chêng-jîn... taⁿ án-chóaⁿ ah? Lóng bô ah lah. Chāi góa khòaⁿ lâi, chiah-ê sió tāi-chì, sió khan-liân pēng bē éng-hióng lán ê seng-oa̍h chin tōa. In chóng ē kòe-khì, bô lâng chai in ē khì tó. Kū-nî ê seh taⁿ tī tó-ūi ah? ... Tī lán sèⁿ-miā tiong ē pó-liû ê, chiah sī tiōng-iàu ê; góa ê sèⁿ-miā, tī it-seng tiong kè-sio̍k, hoat-tián, che tùi góa sī tiōng-iàu. Ū-sî-á kap lâng hoat-seng ê koan-hē ná ū siáⁿ iàu-kín? Iû-kî sī hán-hán ê sèng koan-hē koh khah sī án-ne! Nā mài keng-thé kah siuⁿ hó-chhiò, he tō ná sī chiáu-á phah-chéng. Sū-si̍t mā án-ne. He si̍t-chāi ná ū siáⁿ? Tiōng-iàu ê sī chi̍t sì-lâng ê pôe-phōaⁿ. Iā tō-sī, ta̍k kang chò-hóe seng-oa̍h, m̄-sī chi̍t-nn̄g kái ê khùn chò-hóe. M̄-koán hoat-seng siáⁿ, lí kap góa chóng-sī ang-á-bó͘. Lán koán-sì chò-hóe seng-oa̍h. Chāi góa ê siūⁿ-hoat, koàn-sì sī pí hán-hán ê chhì-kek koh khah tiōng-iàu. Chit-chióng kú-tn̂g, bān-bān, ûi-chhî ... sī lán ê seng-oa̍h ... m̄-sī jīm-hô hán-hán ê chhì-kek. Ta̍uh-ta̍uh-á, chò-hóe seng-oa̍h, nn̄g ê lâng tō ē tūi-lo̍h chi̍t chióng liân-ha̍p, in ê kám-kak hō͘-siong kau-chit. Che chiah sī hun-in ê chin-chiàⁿ pì-bi̍t, m̄-sī sèng; siōng-bô, m̄-sī sèng ê tan-sûn kong-lêng. Lí kap góa ū hun-in ê kau-chit. Lán nā ē-tàng ûi-chhî án-ne, tō ē-sái an-pâi sèng ê tāi-chì, tō ná lán an-pâi khì khòaⁿ khì-kho; kì-jiân miā-ūn án-ne kā lán chhòng-tī."
Connie chē hia thiaⁿ, kám-kak hòⁿ-kî koh kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. Yi m̄-chai i sī-m̄-sī tio̍h. Ū Michaelis, yi ài i, yi án-ne siūⁿ. M̄-koh yi ê ài kan-ta sī chi̍t ê sió lí-hêng chhap tī yi hām Clifford ê hun-in seng-oa̍h tiong; he hun-in sī to-nî ê siū-khó͘ kap jím-nāi só͘ hêng-sêng ê tn̂g koh kú ê chhin-bi̍t si̍p-koàn. Hoān-sè lâng ê lêng-hûn su-iàu lí-hêng, mā bē-sái kī-choa̍t chiah-ê su-iàu. M̄-koh, lí-hêng ê tiōng-tiám sī lí chóng-sī ài koh tńg-chhù.
"Lí bē kòa-ì góa ū ê gín-á sī siáⁿ-khoán cha-po͘ ê?" yi mn̄g.
"Ná tio̍h, Connie, góa siong-sìn lí ū ko-sióng ê soán-te̍k pún-lêng. Lí choa̍t-tùi bē hō͘ bô-ha̍h ê hit chióng lâng kha̍p lí."
Yi teh siūⁿ Michaelis! Chit ê choa̍t-tùi sī Clifford jīn-ûi bô-ha̍h ê hit chióng lâng.
"M̄-koh cha-po͘ kap cha-bó͘ hoān-sè tùi bô-ha̍h ê lâng ū bô-kāng ê khòaⁿ-hoat," yi kóng.
"Bē," i ìn. "Lí koan-sim góa. Góa bô siong-sìn lí ē koan-sim chi̍t ê kap góa tùi-ke̍h ê lâng. Lí ê pún-sèng bē án-ne."
Yi tiām-tiām. Lí-sèng bô hoat-tō͘ hôe-ta̍p, in-ūi he oân-choân chhò-gō͘.
"Lí kám ài góa kā lí kóng?" yi mn̄g, thau-thau-á kā khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē.
"M̄-bián, góa mài-chai siōng-hó... M̄-koh, lí mā tông-ì, ngó͘-jiân ê sèng-ài kap kú-tn̂g ê kiōng-tōng seng-oa̍h pí khí-lâi bô sńg siaⁿ, kám m̄-sī? Lí kám bô kám-kak, ūi-tio̍h kú-tn̂g seng-oa̍h ê su-iàu, lán ē-tàng khut-ho̍k sèng-ài chit chân sū? Lán í-keng pek-kàu chit pō͘, lí tio̍h hó-hó lī-iōng i. Chóng--sī, chiah-ê lîm-sî ê chhì-kek ná ū siáⁿ iàu-kín? Kui-ê sèⁿ-miā ê būn-tê kám m̄-sī kú-nî lia̍p-chek ê oân-chéng jîn-keh? Kòe chi̍t ê oân-chéng ê jîn-seng? Kòe bô oân-chèng ê jîn-seng pēng bô ì-gī. Bô sèng ê seng-oa̍h nā bô oân-chèng, án-ne tio̍h chhut-khì chhōe chi̍t ê. Bô gín-á nā bô oân-chèng, án-ne tio̍h siūⁿ pān-hoat chhut-khì seⁿ chi̍t ê. M̄-koh, chò chiah-ê tāi-chì lóng ūi-tio̍h boeh ū oân-chéng ê jîn-seng, ū kú-tn̂g hô-hâi ê seng-oa̍h. Che, lí hām góa ē-tàng tâng-chê lâi chò ... sī-m̄-sī? ... Lán ē-tàng tiāu-chéng ka-tī lâi bīn-tùi chit ê su-iàu, koh kā he kau-chit tī lán ún-tēng seng-oa̍h lāi-té. Lí ê ì-kiàn kám m̄-sī án-ne?"
Thiaⁿ i chiah-ê ōe, Connie kui-ê gāng-khì. Yi chai, lí-lūn-siōng i bô m̄-tio̍h. M̄-koh, nā siūⁿ tio̍h, yi tio̍h kap i kòe hit-chióng ún-tēng ê seng-oa̍h, yi... soah ē tiû-tû. Miā-ūn kám-sī án-ne, yi tio̍h kap i kau-chit bī-lâi ê sèⁿ-miā? Kám bô pa̍t-khoán seng-oa̍h?
Kám án-ne niā-niā? Yi tio̍h boán-chiok kap i kau-chit chi̍t ê ún-tēng ê seng-oa̍h, ná chi̍t tè pò͘, téng-koân ū-sî mā ū siù chi̍t lúi-á lōng-bān ê hoe. M̄-koh yi ná ē chai, mê-nî yi ê kám-kak sī án-chóaⁿ? Lán ná ū khó-lêng chai-iáⁿ? Lán ná ū khó-lêng kóng "Hó"? Chi̍t nî koh chi̍t nî? Khui-chhùi tō ē-sái kóng hó! Lán ná tio̍h hō͘ hit ê khin kah ná ia̍h-á ê jī-gán pa̍k-tio̍h? Tong-jiân, i ē ná ia̍h-á án-ne poe-cháu, āu-piah tòe lâi kî-thaⁿ ê "hó" kap "m̄-hó"! Ia̍h-á tō sī án-ne poe-lâi poe-khì.
"Góa siong-sìn lí kóng ê, Clifford. Tī khòaⁿ ē-tio̍h ê hoān-ûi, góa tông-ì lí ê ì-kiàn. M̄-koh, lán ê seng-oa̍h hoān-sè ē kái-piàn i ê bīn-bo̍k."
"Seng-oa̍h kái-piàn bīn-bo̍k ì-chêng, lí ū tông-ì hoⁿh?"
"Oh, sī lah! Góa khak-si̍t ū tông-ì."
--
5.2 Kap 別个查埔是啥意思?
"無毋著!" Clifford 講. "M̄-koh 是阮 kā 保存落來. 若無阮, 伊早 tō 無去 ah... kap 其他 ê 樹林仝款無去. 咱著保存一寡舊 ê England!"
"著 án-ne?" Connie 講. "伊敢著靠咱保存, 保存來對抗新 ê England? 這誠慒心, 我知."
"老--ê 若攏無保存落來, án-ne tō 攏無新 ê England," Clifford 講. "咱有這塊土地, 有這種想法, 咱著 kā 保存落來."
兩人攏恬恬. "是 lah, kā 保存一段時間," Connie 講.
"一段時間! 咱干焦 ē-tàng án-ne. 咱盡咱 ê 力. 我感覺, 自從有這塊地, 阮厝 ê 查埔人攏有盡伊 ê 力. 咱 ē-sái 對抗風俗, m̄-koh 咱著保存傳統." 兩人又 koh 恬恬.
"啥物傳統?" Connie 問.
"England ê 傳統! 這 tō 是!"
"我知," 她勻勻仔講.
"所以, 著愛有一个囝; 這只是鎖鍊 ê 一个圈," 伊講.
Connie 對鎖鍊無趣味, m̄-koh 她無講啥. 她 teh 想, 伊 giàn 欲有囝, 這是奇怪, 無合人情."
"可惜, 咱無法度有囝," Connie 講.
伊殕藍 ê 目睭展 khah 大蕊, 金金看 Connie.
"你若 ē-tàng kap 別个查埔生一个囡仔, án-ne mā 袂䆀," 伊講. "咱 tī Wragby kā 晟大, 伊 tō 屬咱, 屬這个所在. 我無真注重血統. 若有囡仔通晟, 伊 tō 是咱 ê 囡仔, 伊 tō 會 thn̂g 落去. 你敢無感覺這值得咱考慮?"
Connie 總算攑目睭看伊. 囡仔, 她生 ê 囡仔, ká-ná 是伊 ê 一項物件!
"M̄-koh, 別个查埔是啥?" 她問.
"彼敢有要緊? 這種代誌敢會影響咱真大? ... 你 tī 德國敢毋是 bat 有情人... 今按怎 ah? 攏無 ah lah. 在我看來, chiah-ê 小代誌, 小牽連並袂影響咱 ê 生活真大. In 總會過去, 無人知 in 會去陀. 舊年 ê 雪今 tī 陀位 ah? ... Tī 咱性命中會保留 ê, 才是重要 ê; 我 ê 性命, tī 一生中繼續, 發展, 這對我是重要. 有時仔 kap 人發生 ê 關係 ná 有啥要緊? 尤其是罕罕 ê 性關係 koh 較是 án-ne! 若莫 keng-thé kah siuⁿ 好笑, 彼 tō ná 是鳥仔拍種. 事實 mā án-ne. 彼實在 ná 有啥? 重要 ê 是這世人 ê 陪伴. Iā tō-sī, 逐工做伙生活, 毋是一兩改 ê 睏做伙. 毋管發生啥, 你 kap 我總是翁仔某. 咱慣勢做伙生活. 在我 ê 想法, 慣勢是比罕罕 ê 刺激 koh 較重要. 這種久長, 慢慢, 維持 ... 是咱 ê 生活 ... 毋是任何罕罕 ê 刺激. Ta̍uh-ta̍uh-á, 做伙生活, 兩个人 tō 會墜落一種聯合, in ê 感覺互相交織. 這才是婚姻 ê 真正秘密, 毋是性; 上無, 毋是性 ê 單純功能. 你 kap 我有婚姻 ê 交織. 咱若 ē-tàng 維持 án-ne, tō ē-sái 安排性 ê 代誌, tō ná 咱安排去看齒科; 既然命運 án-ne kā 咱創治."
Connie 坐遐聽, 感覺好奇 koh 驚惶. 她毋知伊是毋是著. 有 Michaelis, 她愛伊, 她 án-ne 想. M̄-koh 她 ê 愛干焦是一个小旅行 chhap tī 她和 Clifford ê 婚姻生活中; 彼婚姻是多年 ê 受苦 kap 忍耐所形成 ê 長 koh 久 ê 親密習慣. 凡勢人 ê 靈魂需要旅行, mā bē-sái 拒絕 chiah-ê 需要. M̄-koh, 旅行 ê 重點是你總是愛 koh 轉厝.
"你袂掛意我有 ê 囡仔是啥款查埔 ê?" 她問.
"那著, Connie, 我相信你有高尚 ê 選擇本領. 你絕對袂予無合 ê 彼種人磕你."
她 teh 想 Michaelis! 這種絕對是 Clifford 認為無合 ê 彼種人.
"M̄-koh 查埔 kap 查某凡勢對無合 ê 人有無仝 ê 看法," 她講.
"袂," 伊應. "你關心我. 我無相信你會關心一个 kap 我對 ke̍h ê 人. 你 ê 本性袂 án-ne."
她恬恬. 理性無法度回答, 因為彼完全錯誤.
"你敢愛我 kā 你講?" 她問, 偷偷仔 kā 看一下.
"毋免, 我莫知上好... M̄-koh, 你 mā 同意, 偶然 ê 性愛 kap 久長 ê 共同生活比起來無算啥, 敢毋是? 你敢無感覺, 為著久長生活 ê 需要, 咱 ē-tàng 屈服性愛這層事? 咱已經迫到這步, 你著好好利用伊. 總是, chiah-ê 臨時 ê 刺激那有啥? 規个性命 ê 問題敢毋是久年粒積 ê 完整人格? 過一个完整 ê 人生? 過無完整 ê 人生並無意義. 無性 ê 生活若無完整, án-ne 著出去揣一个. 無囡仔若無完整, án-ne 著想辦法出去生一个. M̄-koh, 做 chiah-ê 代誌攏為著欲有完整 ê 人生, 有久長和諧 ê 生活. 這, 你和我 ē-tàng 同齊來做 ... 是毋是? ... 咱 ē-tàng 調整家己來面對這个需要, koh kā 彼交織 tī 咱穩定生活內底. 你 ê 意見敢毋是 án-ne?"
聽伊 chiah-ê 話, Connie 規个 gāng 去. 她知, 理論上伊無毋著. M̄-koh, 若想著, 她著 kap 伊過彼種穩定 ê 生活, 她... 煞會躊躕. 命運敢是 án-ne, 她著 kap 伊交織未來 ê 性命? 敢無別款生活?
敢 án-ne niā-niā? 她著滿足 kap 伊交織一个穩定 ê 生活, ná 一塊布, 頂懸有時 mā 有繡一蕊仔浪漫 ê 花. M̄-koh 她那會知, 明年她 ê 感覺是按怎? 咱那有可能知影? 咱那有可能講 "好"? 一年 koh 一年? 開喙 tō ē-sái 講好! 咱那著予彼个輕 kah ná 蝶仔 ê 字眼縛著? 當然, 伊會 ná 蝶仔 án-ne 飛走, 後壁綴來其他 ê "好" kap "毋好"! 蝶仔 tō 是 án-ne 飛來飛去.
"我相信你講 ê, Clifford. Tī 看會著 ê 範圍, 我同意你 ê 意見. M̄-koh, 咱 ê 生活凡勢會改變伊 ê 面目."
"生活改變面目以前, 你有同意 hoⁿh?"
"Oh, 是 lah! 我確實有同意."
--
5.2
'Quite!' said Clifford. 'But we've preserved it. Except for us it would go ... it would be gone already, like the rest of the forest. One must preserve some of the old England!'
'Must one?' said Connie. 'If it has to be preserved, and preserved against the new England? It's sad, I know.'
'If some of the old England isn't preserved, there'll be no England at all,' said Clifford. 'And we who have this kind of property, and the feeling for it, must preserve it.'
There was a sad pause. 'Yes, for a little while,' said Connie.
'For a little while! It's all we can do. We can only do our bit. I feel every man of my family has done his bit here, since we've had the place. One may go against convention, but one must keep up tradition.' Again there was a pause.
'What tradition?' asked Connie.
'The tradition of England! Of this!'
'Yes,' she said slowly.
'That's why having a son helps; one is only a link in a chain,' he said.
Connie was not keen on chains, but she said nothing. She was thinking of the curious impersonality of his desire for a son.
'I'm sorry we can't have a son,' she said.
He looked at her steadily, with his full, pale-blue eyes.
'It would almost be a good thing if you had a child by another man, he said. 'If we brought it up at Wragby, it would belong to us and to the place. I don't believe very intensely in fatherhood. If we had the child to rear, it would be our own, and it would carry on. Don't you think it's worth considering?'
Connie looked up at him at last. The child, her child, was just an 'it' to him. It ... it ... it!
'But what about the other man?' she asked.
'Does it matter very much? Do these things really affect us very deeply? ... You had that lover in Germany ... what is it now? Nothing almost. It seems to me that it isn't these little acts and little connexions we make in our lives that matter so very much. They pass away, and where are they? Where ... Where are the snows of yesteryear? ... It's what endures through one's life that matters; my own life matters to me, in its long continuance and development. But what do the occasional connexions matter? And the occasional sexual connexions especially! If people don't exaggerate them ridiculously, they pass like the mating of birds. And so they should. What does it matter? It's the life-long companionship that matters. It's the living together from day to day, not the sleeping together once or twice. You and I are married, no matter what happens to us. We have the habit of each other. And habit, to my thinking, is more vital than any occasional excitement. The long, slow, enduring thing ... that's what we live by ... not the occasional spasm of any sort. Little by little, living together, two people fall into a sort of unison, they vibrate so intricately to one another. That's the real secret of marriage, not sex; at least not the simple function of sex. You and I are interwoven in a marriage. If we stick to that we ought to be able to arrange this sex thing, as we arrange going to the dentist; since fate has given us a checkmate physically there.'
Connie sat and listened in a sort of wonder, and a sort of fear. She did not know if he was right or not. There was Michaelis, whom she loved; so she said to herself. But her love was somehow only an excursion from her marriage with Clifford; the long, slow habit of intimacy, formed through years of suffering and patience. Perhaps the human soul needs excursions, and must not be denied them. But the point of an excursion is that you come home again.
'And wouldn't you mind what man's child I had?' she asked.
'Why, Connie, I should trust your natural instinct of decency and selection. You just wouldn't let the wrong sort of fellow touch you.'
She thought of Michaelis! He was absolutely Clifford's idea of the wrong sort of fellow.
'But men and women may have different feelings about the wrong sort of fellow,' she said.
'No,' he replied. 'You care for me. I don't believe you would ever care for a man who was purely antipathetic to me. Your rhythm wouldn't let you.'
She was silent. Logic might be unanswerable because it was so absolutely wrong.
'And should you expect me to tell you?' she asked, glancing up at him almost furtively.
'Not at all, I'd better not know ... But you do agree with me, don't you, that the casual sex thing is nothing, compared to the long life lived together? Don't you think one can just subordinate the sex thing to the necessities of a long life? Just use it, since that's what we're driven to? After all, do these temporary excitements matter? Isn't the whole problem of life the slow building up of an integral personality, through the years? Living an integrated life? There's no point in a disintegrated life. If lack of sex is going to disintegrate you, then go out and have a love-affair. If lack of a child is going to disintegrate you, then have a child if you possibly can. But only do these things so that you have an integrated life, that makes a long harmonious thing. And you and I can do that together ... don't you think? ... If we adapt ourselves to the necessities, and at the same time weave the adaptation together into a piece with our steadily-lived life. Don't you agree?'
Connie was a little overwhelmed by his words. She knew he was right theoretically. But when she actually touched her steadily-lived life with him she ... hesitated. Was it actually her destiny to go on weaving herself into his life all the rest of her life? Nothing else?
Was it just that? She was to be content to weave a steady life with him, all one fabric, but perhaps brocaded with the occasional flower of an adventure. But how could she know what she would feel next year? How could one ever know? How could one say Yes? For years and years? The little yes, gone on a breath! Why should one be pinned down by that butterfly word? Of course it had to flutter away and be gone, to be followed by other yes's and no's! Like the straying of butterflies.
'I think you're right, Clifford. And as far as I can see I agree with you. Only life may turn quite a new face on it all.'
'But until life turns a new face on it all, you do agree?'
'Oh yes! I think I do, really.'
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