3.4 Lán m̄-bián hō͘ Clifford chai
Khí-sin ê sî, i chim yi ê siang-chhiú, mā chim yi chhēng iûⁿ-ko-phôe chhián-thoa ê siang-kha, tō tiām-tiām kiâⁿ kàu pâng-keng ê hit thâu, kha-chiah-āu hiòng yi, khiā tio̍h. Ū kúi-nā hun-cheng, nn̄g lâng lóng tiām-tiām. Jiân-āu, i oa̍t-thâu, koh kiâⁿ lâi yi chia, yi iáu-sī chē tī hóe-lô͘ piⁿ, goân-lâi hia.
"Taⁿ, góa siūⁿ, lí ē hūn góa!" i iōng pêng-chēng, bô nāi-hô ê kháu-khì kóng. Yi kín gia̍h-thâu khòaⁿ i.
"Sī án-chóaⁿ góa tio̍h hūn lí?" yi mn̄g.
"Cha-bó͘ chóng-sī án-ne," i kóng; i sûi kái-chhùi. "Góa sī kóng... lâng kóng, cha-bó͘ ē án-ne."
"Góa boeh hūn lí, mā m̄-sī chit ê sî-chūn," yi hùn-khài kóng.
"Góa chai! Góa chai! Eng-kai án-ne! Lí tùi góa ū-kàu chán..." i kiò kah chin chhi-chhám.
Yi soah kî-koài, sī án-chóaⁿ i hiah chhi-chhám. "Ná m̄ koh chē lo̍h-lâi?" yi kóng. I lia̍h mn̂g gán chi̍t-ē.
"Clifford Sià!" i kóng, "kám bē... i kám bē lâi...?" Yi siūⁿ--chi̍t-ē. "Hoān-sè!" yi kóng. Yi koh gia̍h-thâu khòaⁿ i. "Góa bô-ài Clifford chai-iáⁿ... sīm-chì hoâi-gî. I nā chai, ē chin kan-khó͘. M̄-koh, góa bô jīn-ûi, che ū siáⁿ m̄-tio̍h, lí án-chóaⁿ siūⁿ?"
"M̄-tio̍h! Thiⁿ ah, bô! Lí chí-sī tùi góa hó kah bô thêng-tō͘... Góa kiông boeh taⁿ bē-khí ah."
I oa̍t-sin, yi khòaⁿ ē chhut, i ká-ná tit-boeh khàu ah.
"M̄-koh, lán m̄-bián hō͘ Clifford chai, sī bô?" yi khún-kiû. "Án-ne tō bē siong tio̍h i. I nā éng-oán m̄-chai, éng-oán bô chhai-gî, tō bē siong tio̍h lâng."
"Góa!" i kóng kah chiok béng; "góa siáⁿ tō bē hō͘ chai! Lí chai, hō͘ i chai, góa tio̍h chū-siú! Ha! Ha!" siūⁿ tio̍h che, i chò chi̍t ê léng-léng ê khang chhiò. Yi hòⁿ-kî khòaⁿ i. I kā yi kóng: "Góa ē-tàng chim lí ê chhiú liáu chiah lī-khui bô? Góa siūⁿ boeh khì Sheffield, tī hia chia̍h-tàu, nā ē-hù, góa tńg-lâi lim-tê. Ū siáⁿ ài góa chò ê bô? Góa ē-sái khak-tēng lí bô hūn góa--bô?... lí bē hūn góa hoⁿh?" i iōng bô-nāi ê pi-koan kháu-khì kiat-sok chiah-ê ōe.
"Bē, góa bē hūn lí," yi kóng. "Góa kám-kak lí chiâⁿ ko͘-chui."
"Ah!" i hèng-hèng kā yi kóng, "góa kah-ì lí án-ne kóng, khah hó kòe kóng lí ài góa! Che chiâⁿ ū ì-sù... Lán ē-po͘ chài-hōe. Góa ū chiâⁿ-chē thang su-khó ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ." I hó-lé-á chim yi ê chhiú liáu, tō lī-khui khì.
Chia̍h-tàu ê sî, Clifford kóng: "Chit ê siàu-liân, góa khòaⁿ bē sūn-gán."
"Án-chóaⁿ kóng?" Connie mn̄g.
"I ê gōa-piáu thé-biān, lāi-té sī chháu-pau... kan-ta teh tán boeh péng lán."
"Góa siūⁿ, ta̍k-ê lóng tùi i bô iú-siān," Connie kóng.
"Lí kám-kak kî-koài hoⁿh? Lí siūⁿ kóng, i hó-khang ê sî ū chò siáⁿ hó-sū sioh?"
"Góa siūⁿ, i ū bó͘-chióng ê khóng-khài."
"Tùi siáng?"
"Góa mā m̄-chai."
"Lí tong-jiân m̄-chai. Góa khióng-kiaⁿ, lí kā khi-phiàn tòng-chò khóng-khài lah."
Connie tiām-tiām. Kám án-ne? Che ū khó-lêng. M̄-koh Michaelis ê khi-phiàn tùi yi ná chin bê-lâng. I í-keng kiâⁿ thàu-thàu ah, Clifford chiah kan-ta pê sió-sió kúi pō͘. I í-keng iōng ka-tī ê hong-hoat cheng-ho̍k sè-kài lah, Clifford mā siūⁿ boeh án-ne. Hong-hoat kap chhiú-tōaⁿ...? Michaelis ê hong-hoat kám pí Clifford ê khah àu-pō͘? Clifford ūi-tio̍h chhut-miâ ê chū-ngó͘ thui-siau, kám ū khah iâⁿ kòe chit ê khó-liân gōa-lâng chhin-sin khui-lō͘ sak ka-tī hiòng-chêng, koh kiâⁿ āu-mn̂g ê hong-hoat? Sêng-kong káu-bó-sîn ê āu-piah chóng-sī tòe chi̍t-tīn làu-chi̍h, chhoán-phīⁿ-phēⁿ ê káu. Tāi-seng jek tio̍h yi ê, chiah sī káu-ông, chiah sī sêng-kong! Só͘-í, Michaelis ē-sái kā bóe gia̍h koân-koân.
Kî-koài ê sī, i pēng bô án-ne chò. I tī boeh lim-tê ê sî-kan tńg-lâi, chah chi̍t sok chí-lô-lân kap pek-ha̍p-hoe, piáu-chêng koh ná-chhiūⁿ lak-soe káu. Connie ū-sî hòⁿ-kî, che sī-m̄-sī i iōng lâi khi-phiàn te̍k-jîn ê bīn-khak, in-ūi i it-ti̍t kò͘-tēng án-ne. I kám chin-chiàⁿ sī khó-liân ê káu?
Kui-àm, i it-ti̍t lóng ná lak-soe káu án-ne ah-kē ka-tī, m̄-koh, Clifford ùi che kám-kak tio̍h lāi-té ê kāu bīn-phôe. Connie khòaⁿ bô, hoān-sè in-ūi he m̄-sī iōng-lâi tùi-hù cha-bó͘; kan-ta tùi-hù cha-po͘, in ê hoâiⁿ-pà kap choan-toān. Tō sī chit ê sán-lâng ê kian-kiông, lāi-chāi ê kāu bīn-phôe hō͘ lâng hiah-nī khòaⁿ-bô Michaelis. I chi̍t chhut-hiān, m̄-koán kek-kah án-chóaⁿ su-bûn, siōng-liû ê lâng tō kám-kak siū tio̍h bú-jio̍k.
Connie ài tio̍h i lah, m̄-koh, yi chē tī hia ná siù chiam-sòaⁿ, ná thiaⁿ cha-po͘-lâng kóng-ōe, bô piáu-sī siáⁿ. Iah nā Michaelis neh, i si̍p-choân sip-bí; kap cha-mê kāng-khoán, sī chi̍t ê ut-chut, choan-sim, léng-tām ê siàu-liân, kap chú-lâng siong-chha chi̍t-bān peh-chheng lí, m̄-koh i chí-sī kán-tan pôe in chò-sńg chi̍t-ē, chóng-sī bô chi̍t khek kap in sio-óa. Connie kám-kak i it-tēng bē-kì-tit chá-khí ê tāi-chì. I bô bē-kì. M̄-koh, i chai i tī tó... kāng-khoán tī gōa-kháu, tī thian-seng gōa-lâng ê só͘-chāi. I bô khòaⁿ-tāng chit-kái ê ài-chêng sū-kiāⁿ. I chai, sui-jiân lâng-lâng him-siān i ê kim phoa̍h-liān, che bē hō͘ i ùi chi̍t chiah bô-chhù ê káu, piàn-sêng chi̍t chiah phok-sóng ê siōng-liû ka-têng ê káu.
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3.4 咱毋免予 Clifford 知
起身 ê 時, 伊唚她 ê 雙手, mā 唚她穿羊羔皮淺拖 ê 雙跤, tō 恬恬行到房間 ê 彼頭, 尻脊後向她, 徛著. 有幾若分鐘, 兩人攏恬恬. 然後, 伊越頭, koh 行來她遮, 她猶是坐 tī 火爐邊, 原來遐.
"今, 我想, 你會恨我!" 伊用平靜, 無奈何 ê 口氣講. 她緊攑頭看伊.
"是按怎我著恨你?" 她問.
"查某總是 án-ne," 伊講; 伊隨改喙. "我是講... 人講, 查某會 án-ne."
"我欲恨你, mā 毋是這个時陣," 她憤慨講.
"我知! 我知! 應該 án-ne! 你對我有夠讚..." 伊叫甲真悽慘.
她煞奇怪, 是按怎伊 hiah 悽慘. "那毋 koh 坐落來?" 她講. 伊掠門眼一下.
"Clifford Sià!" 伊講, "敢袂... 伊敢袂來...?" 她想一下. "凡勢!" 她講. 她 koh 攑頭看伊. "我無愛 Clifford 知影... 甚至懷疑. 伊若知, 會真艱苦. 毋過, 我無認為, 這有啥毋著, 你按怎想?"
"毋著! 天 ah, 無! 你只是對我好甲無程度... 我強欲擔袂起 ah."
伊越身, 她看會出, 伊 ká-ná 得欲哭 ah.
"毋過, 咱毋免予 Clifford 知, 是無?" 她懇求. "Án-ne tō 袂傷著伊. 伊若永遠毋知, 永遠無猜疑, tō 袂傷著人."
"我!" 伊講甲足猛; "我啥 tō 袂予知! 你知, 予伊知, 我著自首! Ha! Ha!" 想著這, 伊做一个冷冷 ê 空笑. 她好奇看伊. 伊 kā 她講: "我會當唚你 ê 手了才離開無? 我想欲去 Sheffield, tī 遐食晝, 若會赴, 我轉來啉茶. 有啥愛我做 ê 無? 我會使確定你無恨我--無?... 你袂恨我 hoⁿh?" 伊用無奈 ê 悲觀口氣結束 chiah-ê 話.
"袂, 我袂恨你," 她講. "我感覺你誠古錐."
"Ah!" 伊興興 kā 她講, "我佮意你 án-ne 講, 較好過講你愛我! 這誠有意思... 咱下晡再會. 我有誠濟通思考 ê 物件." 伊好禮仔唚她 ê 手了, tō 離開去.
食晝 ê 時, Clifford 講: "這个少年, 我看袂順眼."
"按怎講?" Connie 問.
"伊 ê 外表體面, 內底是草包... 干焦 teh 等欲 péng 咱."
"我想, 逐个攏對伊無友善," Connie 講.
"你感覺奇怪 hoⁿh? 你想講, 伊好空 ê 時有做啥好事 sioh?"
"我想, 伊有某種 ê 慷慨."
"對 siáng?"
"我 mā 毋知."
"你當然毋知. 我恐驚, 你 kā 欺騙當做慷慨 lah."
Connie 恬恬. 敢 án-ne? 這有可能. 毋過 Michaelis ê 欺騙對她 ná 真迷人. 伊已經行透透 ah, Clifford 才干焦爬小小幾步. 伊已經用家己 ê 方法征服世界 lah, Clifford mā 想欲 án-ne. 方法 kap 手段...? Michaelis ê 方法敢比 Clifford ê 較漚步? Clifford 為著出名 ê 自我推銷, 敢有較贏過這个可憐外人親身開路捒家己向前, koh 行後門 ê 方法? 成功狗母神 ê 後壁總是綴一陣 láu 舌, 喘 phīⁿ-phēⁿ ê 狗. 代先逐著她 ê, 才是狗王, 才是成功! 所以, Michaelis 會使 kā 尾攑懸懸.
奇怪 ê 是, 伊並無 án-ne 做. 伊 tī 欲啉茶 ê 時間轉來, 扎一束紫羅蘭 kap 百合花, 表情 koh ná 像 lak 衰狗. Connie 有時好奇, 這是毋是伊用來欺騙敵人 ê 面殼, 因為伊一直固定 án-ne. 伊敢真正是可憐 ê 狗?
規暗, 伊一直攏 ná lak 衰狗 án-ne 壓低家己, 毋過, Clifford ùi 這感覺著內底 ê 厚面皮. Connie 看無, 凡勢因為彼毋是用來對付查某; 干焦對付查埔, in ê 橫霸 kap 專斷. Tō 是這个瘦人 ê 堅強, 內在 ê 厚面皮予人 hiah-nī 看無 Michaelis. 伊一出現, 毋管激甲按怎斯文, 上流 ê 人 tō 感覺受著侮辱.
Connie 愛著伊 lah, 毋過, 她坐 tī 遐 ná 繡針線, ná 聽查埔人講話, 無表示啥. Iah 若 Michaelis neh, 伊十全十美; kap 昨暝仝款, 是一个鬱卒, 專心, 冷淡 ê 少年, kap 主人相差一萬八千里, 毋過伊只是簡單陪 in 做耍一下, 總是無一刻 kap in 相倚. Connie 感覺伊一定袂記得早起 ê 代誌. 伊無袂記. 毋過, 伊知伊 tī 佗... 仝款 tī 外口, tī 天生外人 ê 所在. 伊無看重這改 ê 愛情事件. 伊知, 雖然人人欣羨伊 ê 金袚鍊, 這袂予伊 ùi 一隻無厝 ê 狗, 變成一隻博爽 ê 上流家庭 ê 狗.
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3.4
When he rose, he kissed both her hands, then both her feet, in their suede slippers, and in silence went away to the end of the room, where he stood with his back to her. There was silence for some minutes. Then he turned and came to her again as she sat in her old place by the fire.
'And now, I suppose you'll hate me!' he said in a quiet, inevitable way. She looked up at him quickly.
'Why should I?' she asked.
'They mostly do,' he said; then he caught himself up. 'I mean… a woman is supposed to.'
'This is the last moment when I ought to hate you,' she said resentfully.
'I know! I know! It should be so! You're frightfully good to me…' he cried miserably.
She wondered why he should be miserable. 'Won't you sit down again?' she said. He glanced at the door.
'Sir Clifford!' he said, 'won't he… won't he be…?' She paused a moment to consider. 'Perhaps!' she said. And she looked up at him. 'I don't want Clifford to know… not even to suspect. It would hurt him so much. But I don't think it's wrong, do you?'
'Wrong! Good God, no! You're only too infinitely good to me…. I can hardly bear it.'
He turned aside, and she saw that in another moment he would be sobbing.
'But we needn't let Clifford know, need we?' she pleaded. 'It would hurt him so. And if he never knows, never suspects, it hurts nobody.'
'Me!' he said, almost fiercely; 'he'll know nothing from me! You see if he does. Me give myself away! Ha! Ha!' he laughed hollowly, cynically, at such an idea. She watched him in wonder. He said to her: 'May I kiss your hand arid go? I'll run into Sheffield I think, and lunch there, if I may, and be back to tea. May I do anything for you? May I be sure you don't hate me? — and that you won't?' — he ended with a desperate note of cynicism.
'No, I don't hate you,' she said. 'I think you're nice.'
'Ah!' he said to her fiercely, 'I'd rather you said that to me than said you love me! It means such a lot more…. Till afternoon then. I've plenty to think about till then.' He kissed her hands humbly and was gone.
'I don't think I can stand that young man,' said Clifford at lunch.
'Why?' asked Connie.
'He's such a bounder underneath his veneer… just waiting to bounce us.'
'I think people have been so unkind to him,' said Connie.
'Do you wonder? And do you think he employs his shining hours doing deeds of kindness?'
'I think he has a certain sort of generosity.'
'Towards whom?'
'I don't quite know.'
'Naturally you don't. I'm afraid you mistake unscrupulousness for generosity.'
Connie paused. Did she? It was just possible. Yet the unscrupulousness of Michaelis had a certain fascination for her. He went whole lengths where Clifford only crept a few timid paces. In his way he had conquered the world, which was what Clifford wanted to do. Ways and means…? Were those of Michaelis more despicable than those of Clifford? Was the way the poor outsider had shoved and bounced himself forward in person, and by the back doors, any worse than Clifford's way of advertising himself into prominence? The bitch-goddess, Success, was trailed by thousands of gasping dogs with lolling tongues. The one that got her first was the real dog among dogs, if you go by success! So Michaelis could keep his tail up.
The queer thing was, he didn't. He came back towards tea-time with a large handful of violets and lilies, and the same hang-dog expression. Connie wondered sometimes if it were a sort of mask to disarm opposition, because it was almost too fixed. Was he really such a sad dog?
His sad-dog sort of extinguished self persisted all the evening, though through it Clifford felt the inner effrontery. Connie didn't feel it, perhaps because it was not directed against women; only against men, and their presumptions and assumptions. That indestructible, inward effrontery in the meagre fellow was what made men so down on Michaelis. His very presence was an affront to a man of society, cloak it as he might in an assumed good manner.
Connie was in love with him, but she managed to sit with her embroidery and let the men talk, and not give herself away. As for Michaelis, he was perfect; exactly the same melancholic, attentive, aloof young fellow of the previous evening, millions of degrees remote from his hosts, but laconically playing up to them to the required amount, and never coming forth to them for a moment. Connie felt he must have forgotten the morning. He had not forgotten. But he knew where he was… in the same old place outside, where the born outsiders are. He didn't take the love-making altogether personally. He knew it would not change him from an ownerless dog, whom everybody begrudges its golden collar, into a comfortable society dog.
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