Tē 6 Chiong
6.1 Góa kah-ì cha-bó͘ khiok bô-ài cha-bó͘
"Sī án-chóaⁿ taⁿ ê cha-po͘ cha-bó͘ bô chin-chiàⁿ sio-ài?" Connie mn̄g Tommy Dukes, i ke-kiám sī Connie mn̄g-kòa ê tùi-siōng.
"Oh, in ū sio-ài! Chū-chiông jîn-lūi chhut-hiān í-lâi, góa m̄ siong-sìn in bat ū chhiūⁿ taⁿ hiah-nī hō͘-siong sio-ài. Sī chin-sim ê ì-ài! Chiū góa lâi kóng, góa ài cha-bó͘ khah iâⁿ góa ài cha-po͘; cha-bó͘ khah ióng-kám, khah ta̍t-tit chin-sêng tùi-thāi."
Connie chhim-chhim khó-lī chit tiám.
"Ah, tio̍h ah. M̄-koh, lí chiông-lâi bô kap yin ū siáⁿ koan-he!" yi kóng.
"Góa? Góa taⁿ teh chhòng siáⁿ, kám m̄-sī tú-tú chin-sim hām chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ teh kóng-ōe?"
"Sī ah, teh kóng-ōe..."
"Nā-chún lí sī chi̍t-ê cha-po͘, tî-liáu kap lí chin-sim kóng-ōe, góa iáu ē-tàng án-chóaⁿ?"
"Hoān-sè bô siáⁿ. M̄-koh kap cha-bó͘..."
"Cha-bó͘ ài boeh lí kah-ì yi koh kap yi kóng-ōe, iū-koh khì ài yi, tui-kiû yi; chāi góa khòaⁿ, che sī bē-tàng tâng-chê ê nn̄g hāng tāi-chì."
"M̄-koh, che ē-tàng tâng-chê ah!"
"Tong-jiân chúi bô eng-kai hiah-nī tâm; chúi soah tâm kah chhiau-kòe. M̄-koh tō sī án-ne! Góa kah-ì cha-bó͘, kah-ì kap yin kóng-ōe, chū án-ne góa bô ài yin, bô tui-kiû yin. Chāi góa, chit nn̄g hāng tāi-chì bē tâng-chê hoat-seng."
"Góa siūⁿ, in tio̍h tâng-chê hoat-seng."
"Hó lah. Tāi-chì nā tio̍h ài piàn-chò m̄-sī i pún-chiâⁿ ê khoán, che góa chò bē-kàu."
Connie khó-lī che. "Che m̄-sī chin ê," yi kóng. "Cha-po͘ ē-sái ài cha-bó͘ koh kap yi kóng-ōe. Góa siūⁿ-bô, in án-chóaⁿ ài yin koh bô kóng-ōe, bô chhin-jia̍t. In ná ē-tàng án-ne?"
"Hm," i kóng, "góa mā m̄-chai. Sī án-chóaⁿ boeh phó͘-phiàn lâi kóng? Góa kan-ta chai góa ka-tī. Góa kah-ì cha-bó͘, m̄-koh góa bô tui-kiû yin. Góa kah-ì kap yin kóng-ōe, sui-jiân án-ne tī bó͘ chi̍t hong-bīn lâi kóng kap yin sǹg chhin-bi̍t, m̄-koh che lī kap yin sio-chim chi̍t-bān peh-chheng lí. Góa tō sī án-ne! M̄-thang iōng góa chò thong-lē, hoān-sè góa chí-sī te̍k-su ê lē: chi̍t-ê kah-ì cha-bó͘ khiok bô ài cha-bó͘ ê cha-po͘-lâng, yin nā pek góa ké-kúi ài yin, a̍h tîⁿ kah pak bē-khui, góa sīm-chì ē oàn-hūn yin."
"Án-ne, lí kám m̄-sī chin pi-ai?"
"Ná ē pi-ai? Lóng bē! Góa khòaⁿ Charlie May, koh hiah-ê kap cha-bó͘ ū koan-hē ê cha-bo͘-lâng... Bē, góa kin-pún bē him-siān in! Nā-sī miā-ūn sàng góa chi̍t-ê góa boeh ài ê cha-bo͘, án-ne ē-sái. In-ūi góa m̄-chai boeh ài siáng, mā bô tú-tio̍h... in-ūi góa léng-tām, sui-jiân góa ū kah-ì chi̍t kóa cha-bó͘."
"Lí ū kah-ì góa bô?"
"Chiâⁿ kah-ì! Lí khòaⁿ, lán tiong-kan bô sio-chim ê būn-tê, sī bô?"
"Kin-pún bô!" Connie kóng. "Tán-sī kám bē-sái ū?"
"Ai-ah, Thiⁿ ah! Góa kah-ì Clifford, m̄-koh góa nā cháu khì chim i, lì ē án-chóaⁿ siūⁿ?"
"Chit tiong-kan kám bô chha-pia̍t?"
"Chiū lán lâi kóng, ná ū siáⁿ bô-kāng? Lán lóng sī ū tì-sek ê lâng, bô tâm-lūn lâm-lú koan-hē, bô tâm-lūn. Chit-sî góa nā sńg to-chêng lâm-sèng ê chhut-thâu, hiòng lí hián-sī sèng-ài, lí ē án-chóaⁿ siūⁿ?"
"Góa ē thó-ià he."
"Tio̍h! Jû-kó góa sī chin-chiàⁿ lâm-sèng hit lūi ê lâng, góa m̄-bat tú-tio̍h goán chit lūi ê lú-sèng. Góa mā bô khiàm yi, góa kan-ta kah-ì cha-bó͘. Siáng ē kiông-pek góa khì ài a̍h-sī ké-kúi ài cha-bó͘, khì sńg sio-kàn ê pá-hī?"
"Bē, góa bē. M̄-koh kám bô tó-ūi m̄-tio̍h?"
"Lí án-ne kám-kak, góa bô."
"Tio̍h, góa kám-kak lâm-lú tiong-kan ū siáⁿ m̄-tio̍h. Cha-bó͘ lâng í-keng tùi cha-po͘ lâng bô khip-la̍t ah."
"Cha-po͘ tùi cha-bó͘ kám ū?"
Yi su-khó būn-tê ê iáu chi̍t bīn.
"Bô siáⁿ ū," yi láu-si̍t kóng.
"Nā án-ne, lán pàng-lo̍h che, ná phó͘-thong lâng kāng-khoán, hō͘-siong thán-pe̍h, tan-sûn tō hó. Mài chhap hit chióng jîn-ûi ê kiông-pek sèng-ài! Góa kī-choa̍t he!"
Connie chai-iáⁿ i kóng liáu tio̍h. M̄-koh án-ne hō͘ yi kám-kak chiok ko͘-tōaⁿ, ko͘-toaⁿ koh bô-phòaⁿ, kám-kak ná chhiūⁿ chhe-liâng chúi-tî ê lo̍h-hio̍h. Yi a̍h-sī sū-sū ū siáⁿ ì-gī ah?
Yi ê chheng-chhun teh hoán-pōe. Chiah-ê cha-po͘ lóng ká-ná lāu koh léng. Sū-sū lóng ká-ná lāu koh léng. Michaelis hō͘ lâng hiah sit-bōng; i mā bô hó. Chiah-ê cha-po͘ bô ài cha-bó͘; in lóng bô chin-chiàⁿ su-iàu cha-bó͘, liân Michaelis mā bô su-iàu.
Hiah-ê ké-kúi su-iàu ê chháu-pau, khai-sí tō siūⁿ boeh sńg sio-kàn ê pá-hì, chit chióng lâng koh khah chha.
Che ū kàu chhám, lí mā tio̍h jím-nāi. Kóng lâi mā thio̍h, cha-po͘ lâng í-keng bē khip-ín cha-bó͘ ah: lí nā khi-phiàn ka-tī, kóng in ē khip-ín lí, tō ná Connie siūⁿ kóng Michaelis ū khip-ín yi, siōng-hó che lí chò ē-kàu. Chit-sî, lí kan-ta kè-sio̍k oa̍h tio̍h, bô siáⁿ-mih ē hoat-seng. Yi oân-choân lí-kái, sī án-chóaⁿ lâng boeh khì chham-ka chiú-hōe, thiaⁿ jazz im-ga̍k, thiàu Charleston bú thiáu kah péng--kòe. Lí tio̍h chiap-siū che, iōng lí ê chheng-chhun, nā bô, i ē kā lí chia̍h khì. M̄-koh chit chióng chheng-chhun si̍t-chāi khó-phà! Lí kám-kak lí ná Methuselah hiah lāu, m̄-koh chheng-chhun phi̍h-pho̍k thiàu, hō͘ lí bē chū-chāi. Hā-chiān ê seng-oa̍h! Bô hi-bāng! Yi hiám-hiám siūⁿ boeh tòe Mick cháu, kā seng-oa̍h piàn-sêng kú-tn̂g ê chiú-hōe, ū jazz im-ga̍k ê ám-mê. Án-ne chóng-sī khah hó kòe gōng-gōng sô tán sí.
Chi̍t kang, yi kám-kak bē-sóng, tō ka-tī khì lîm-hn̂g sàn-pō͘, ná kiâⁿ ná siūⁿ, siáⁿ to bô koán, mā bô chù-ì kiâⁿ kàu tó-ūi ah. Bô gōa hn̄g chi̍t siaⁿ chhèng-siaⁿ kā heh tio̍h, hō͘ yi chiâⁿ khì.
Yi kiâⁿ kòe-khì, thiaⁿ tio̍h lâng-siaⁿ, tò-thè. Ū-lâng! Yi bô-ài tú tio̍h lâng. M̄-koh yi koh thiaⁿ tio̍h lēng-gōa ê siaⁿ, yi hòⁿ-kî; he sī gín-á ê khàu-siaⁿ. Yi koh chù-ì thiaⁿ; ū-lâng teh mē chi̍t-ê gín-á. Yi tōa-pō͘ hiòng hit tiâu tâm-lō͘ kiâⁿ khì, sim-lāi móa-móa ê hùn-khài. Yi kám-kak ka-tī chún-pī boeh khì nāu-tiûⁿ ah.
--
第 6 章
6.1 我佮意查某卻無愛查某
"是按怎今 ê 查埔查某無真正相愛?" Connie 問 Tommy Dukes, 伊加減是 Connie 問卦 ê 對象.
"Oh, in 有相愛! 自從人類出現以來, 我毋相信 in bat 有像今 hiah-nī 互相意愛. 是真心 ê 相愛! 就我來講, 我愛查某較贏我愛查埔; 查某較勇敢, 較值得真誠對待."
Connie 深深考慮這點.
"Ah, 著 ah. M̄-koh, 你從來無 kap 姻有啥關係!" 她講.
"我? 我今 teh 創啥, 敢毋是拄拄和一个查某 teh 講話?"
"是 ah, teh 講話..."
"若準你是一个查埔, 除了 kap 你真心講話, 我猶 ē-tàng 按怎?"
"凡勢無啥. M̄-koh kap 查某..."
"查某愛欲你佮意她 koh kap 她講話, 又 koh 去愛她, 追求她; 在我看, 這是 bē-tàng 同齊 ê 兩項代誌."
"M̄-koh, 這 ē-tàng 同齊 ah!"
"當然水無應該 hiah-nī 澹; 水煞澹 kah 超過. M̄-koh tō 是 án-ne! 我佮意查某, 佮意 kap 姻講話, 自 án-ne 我無愛姻, bô 追求姻. 在我, 這兩項袂同齊發生."
"我想, in 著同齊發生."
"好 lah. 代誌若著愛變做毋是伊本誠 ê 款, 這我做袂到."
Connie 考慮這. "這毋是真 ê," 她講. "查埔 ē-sái 愛查某 koh kap 她講話. 我想無, in 按怎愛姻 koh 無講話, 無親熱. In ná ē-tàng án-ne?"
"Hm," 伊講, "我 mā 毋知. 是按怎欲普遍來講? 我干焦知我家己. 我佮意查某, m̄-koh 我無追求姻. 我佮意 kap 姻講話, 雖然 án-ne tī 某一方面來講 kap 姻算親密, m̄-koh 這離 kap 姻相唚一萬八千里. 我 tō 是 án-ne! M̄-thang 用我做通例, 凡勢我只是特殊 ê 例: 一个佮意查某卻無愛查某 ê 查埔人, 姻若迫我假鬼愛姻, 抑纒 kah 剝袂開, 我甚至會怨恨姻."
"Án-ne, 你敢毋是真悲哀?"
"那會悲哀? 攏袂! 我看 Charlie May, koh hiah-ê kap 查某有關係 ê 查埔人... 袂, 我根本袂欣羨 in! 若是命運送我一个我欲愛 ê 查某, án-ne ē-sái. 因為我毋知欲愛 siáng, mā 無拄著... 因為我冷淡, 雖然我有佮意一寡查某."
"你有佮意我無?"
"誠佮意! 你看, 咱中間無相唚 ê 問題, 是無?"
"根本無!" Connie 講. "但是敢 bē-sái 有?"
"Ai-ah, 天 ah! 我佮意 Clifford, m̄-koh 我若走去唚伊, 你會按怎想?"
"這中間敢無差別?"
"就咱來講, ná 有啥無仝? 咱攏是有意識 ê 人, 無談論男女關係, 無談論. 這時我若耍多情男性 ê 齣頭, 向你顯示性愛, 你會按怎想?"
"我會討厭彼."
"著! 如果我是真正男性彼類 ê 人, 我 m̄-bat 拄著阮這類 ê 女性. 我 mā 無欠她, 我干焦佮意查某. Siáng 會強迫我去愛抑是假鬼愛查某, 去耍 sio-kàn ê 把戲?"
"袂, 我袂. M̄-koh 敢無佗位毋著?"
"你 án-ne 感覺, 我無."
"著, 我感覺男女中間有啥毋著. 查某人已經對查埔人無吸力 ah."
"查埔對查某敢有?"
她思考問題 ê 猶一面.
"無啥有," 她老實講.
"若 án-ne, 咱放落這, ná 普通人仝款, 互相坦白, 單純 tō 好. 莫 chhap 彼種人為 ê 強迫性愛! 我拒絕彼!"
Connie 知影伊講了著. M̄-koh án-ne 予她感覺足孤單, 孤單 koh 無伴, 感覺 ná 像淒涼水池 ê 落葉. 她抑是事事有啥意義 ah?
她 ê 青春 teh 反背. Chiah-ê 查埔攏 ká-ná 老 koh 冷. 事事攏 ká-ná 老 koh 冷. Michaelis 予人 hiah 失望; 伊 mā 無好. Chiah-ê 查埔無愛查某; in 攏無真正需要查某, 連 Michaelis mā 無需要.
Hiah-ê 假鬼需要 ê 草包, 開始 tō 想欲耍 sio-kàn ê 把戲, 這種人 koh 較差.
這有夠慘, 你 mā 著忍耐. 講來 mā 著, 查埔人已經袂吸引查某 ah: 你若去騙家己, 講 in 會吸引你, tō ná Connie 想講 Michaelis 有吸引她, 上好這你做會到. 這時, 你干焦繼續活著, 無啥物會發生. 她完全理解, 是按怎人欲去參加酒會, 聽 jazz 音樂, 跳 Charleston 舞跳 kah péng--kòe. 你著接受這, 用你 ê 青春, 若無, 伊會 kā 你食去. M̄-koh 這種青春實在可怕! 你感覺你 ná Methuselah hiah 老, m̄-koh 青春 phi̍h-pho̍k 跳, 予你袂自在. 下賤 ê 生活! 無希望! 她險險想欲綴 Mick 走, kā 生活變成久長 ê 酒會, 有 jazz 音樂 ê 暗暝. Án-ne 總是較好過戇戇趖等死.
一工, 她感覺袂爽, tō 家己去林園散步, ná 行 ná 想, 啥都無管, mā 無注意行到佗位 ah. 無偌遠一聲銃聲 kā 嚇著, 予她誠氣.
她行過去, 聽著人聲, 倒退. 有人! 她無愛拄著人. M̄-koh 她 koh 聽著另外 ê 聲, 她好奇; 彼是囡仔 ê 哭聲. 她 koh 注意聽, 有人 teh 駡一个囡仔. 她大步向彼條澹路行去, 心內滿滿 ê 憤慨. 她感覺家己準備欲去鬧場 ah.
--
Chapter 6
6.1
'Why don't men and women really like one another nowadays?' Connie asked Tommy Dukes, who was more or less her oracle.
'Oh, but they do! I don't think since the human species was invented, there has ever been a time when men and women have liked one another as much as they do today. Genuine liking! Take myself. I really like women better than men; they are braver, one can be more frank with them.'
Connie pondered this.
'Ah, yes, but you never have anything to do with them!' she said.
'I? What am I doing but talking perfectly sincerely to a woman at this moment?'
'Yes, talking ...'
'And what more could I do if you were a man, than talk perfectly sincerely to you?'
'Nothing perhaps. But a woman ...'
'A woman wants you to like her and talk to her, and at the same time love her and desire her; and it seems to me the two things are mutually exclusive.'
'But they shouldn't be!'
'No doubt water ought not to be so wet as it is; it overdoes it in wetness. But there it is! I like women and talk to them, and therefore I don't love them and desire them. The two things don't happen at the same time in me.'
'I think they ought to.'
'All right. The fact that things ought to be something else than what they are, is not my department.
Connie considered this. 'It isn't true,' she said. 'Men can love women and talk to them. I don't see how they can love them withouttalking, and being friendly and intimate. How can they?'
'Well,' he said, 'I don't know. What's the use of my generalizing? I only know my own case. I like women, but I don't desire them. I like talking to them; but talking to them, though it makes me intimate in one direction, sets me poles apart from them as far as kissing is concerned. So there you are! But don't take me as a general example, probably I'm just a special case: one of the men who like women, but don't love women, and even hate them if they force me into a pretence of love, or an entangled appearance.
'But doesn't it make you sad?'
'Why should it? Not a bit! I look at Charlie May, and the rest of the men who have affairs ... No, I don't envy them a bit! If fate sent me a woman I wanted, well and good. Since I don't know any woman I want, and never see one ... why, I presume I'm cold, and really like some women very much.'
'Do you like me?'
'Very much! And you see there's no question of kissing between us, is there?'
'None at all!' said Connie. 'But oughtn't there to be?'
'Why, in God's name? I like Clifford, but what would you say if I went and kissed him?'
'But isn't there a difference?'
'Where does it lie, as far as we're concerned? We're all intelligent human beings, and the male and female business is in abeyance. Just in abeyance. How would you like me to start acting up like a continental male at this moment, and parading the sex thing?'
'I should hate it.'
'Well then! I tell you, if I'm really a male thing at all, I never run across the female of my species. And I don't miss her, I just like women. Who's going to force me into loving or pretending to love them, working up the sex game?'
'No, I'm not. But isn't something wrong?'
'You may feel it, I don't.'
'Yes, I feel something is wrong between men and women. A woman has no glamour for a man any more.'
'Has a man for a woman?'
She pondered the other side of the question.
'Not much,' she said truthfully.
'Then let's leave it all alone, and just be decent and simple, like proper human beings with one another. Be damned to the artificial sex-compulsion! I refuse it!'
Connie knew he was right, really. Yet it left her feeling so forlorn, so forlorn and stray. Like a chip on a dreary pond, she felt. What was the point, of her or anything?
It was her youth which rebelled. These men seemed so old and cold. Everything seemed old and cold. And Michaelis let one down so; he was no good. The men didn't want one; they just didn't really want a woman, even Michaelis didn't.
And the bounders who pretended they did, and started working the sex game, they were worse than ever.
It was just dismal, and one had to put up with it. It was quite true, men had no real glamour for a woman: if you could fool yourself into thinking they had, even as she had fooled herself over Michaelis, that was the best you could do. Meanwhile you just lived on and there was nothing to it. She understood perfectly well why people had cocktail parties, and jazzed, and Charlestoned till they were ready to drop. You had to take it out some way or other, your youth, or it ate you up. But what a ghastly thing, this youth! You felt as old as Methuselah, and yet the thing fizzed somehow, and didn't let you be comfortable. A mean sort of life! And no prospect! She almost wished she had gone off with Mick, and made her life one long cocktail party, and jazz evening. Anyhow that was better than just mooning yourself into the grave.
On one of her bad days she went out alone to walk in the wood, ponderously, heeding nothing, not even noticing where she was. The report of a gun not far off startled and angered her.
Then, as she went, she heard voices, and recoiled. People! She didn't want people. But her quick ear caught another sound, and she roused; it was a child sobbing. At once she attended; someone was ill-treating a child. She strode swinging down the wet drive, her sullen resentment uppermost. She felt just prepared to make a scene.
--
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