14.7 我相信愛情需要溫暖 ê 心

14.7 Góa siong-sìn ài-chêng su-iàu un-loán ê sim

In nn̄g-lâng lóng chēng lo̍h-lâi. Āu-lâi i koh hèng khí-lâi, tō kóng:

"Tio̍h, góa ū siong-sìn. Góa siong-sìn ài ū un-loán ê sim. Góa iû-kî siong-sìn ài-chêng su-iàu un-loán ê sim, sio-kàn ài ū un-loán ê sim. Cha-po͘ nā iōng un-loán ê sim khì kàn, cha-bó͘ iōng un-loán ê sim khì chiap-siū, it-chhè tō lóng sūn-lī. Iōng léng-khok ê sim sio-kàn, tō ún sí, ún gōng.

"M̄-koh, lí m̄-thang iōng léng-khok ê sim kàn góa," yi khòng-gī.

"Góa kin-pún bô siūⁿ boeh kàn lí. Góa ê sim chit-má léng kah ná han-chî."

"Oh!" yi kóng, ná chò-sńg chim i. "Án-ne, lán lâi chian han-chî." I chhiò chhut-lâi, chē thêng.

"He sī sū-si̍t!" i kóng. "Ta̍k-hāng tāi-chì lóng ài ū tām-po̍h un-loán ê sim. M̄-koh cha-bó͘-lâng bô ài he. Sīm-chì lí ka-tī mā m̄-sī chin-chiàⁿ ài he. Lí kah-ì sóng, lāi koh chha̍k ê léng-sim sio-kàn, ké-kúi kóng án-ne chin tiⁿ. Lí ná-ū tùi góa ê un-chêng? Lí hoâi-gî góa tō ná-chhiūⁿ niau tùi káu. Góa kā lí kóng, siūⁿ boeh ū un-chêng kap un-loán ê sim, tio̍h ài ū nn̄g-lâng. Lí kah-ì sio-kàn, bô m̄-tio̍h: m̄-koh lí kiò-sī he sī siáⁿ úi-tāi, sîn-pì ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, kan-ta ūi-tio̍h phô͘-tháⁿ lí ka-tī ê chū-chun. Lí ka-tī ê chū-chun koân kòe jīm-hô cha-po͘-lâng, mā koân kòe lí hām cha-po͘-lâng ê koan-hē."

"M̄-koh, góa tō sī án-ne kóng lí. Lí ê chū-chun tō sī lí ê it-chhè."

"Ái! Án-ne chiâⁿ hó!" i kóng, ná tín-tāng, ká-ná boeh peh khí-lâi. "Lán hun-khui hó lah. Góa lêng-khó sí mā m̄-goān chò léng-sim ê sio-kàn."

Yi ùi i sin-khu liu khui, iah i khiā khí-lâi.

"Lí siūⁿ-kóng góa teh giàn sioh?" yi kóng.

"Góa hi-bōng lí bô," i ìn. "M̄-koh, chóng-sī, lí khì bîn-chhn̂g khùn, góa boeh tī lâu-kha khùn."

Yi lia̍h i khòaⁿ. I bīn pe̍h, ba̍k-bâi phah-kat, piáu-hiān kah ná tī pak-ke̍k hiah hn̄g. Só͘-ū ê cha-po͘-lâng lóng kāng-khoán.

"Góa bē-tàng kàu thiⁿ-kng chiah tńg." yi kóng.

"Mài! Lí khì khùn. Koh chi̍t-khek tō chi̍t tiám ah."

"Góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h m̄ khùn," yi kóng.

I kiâⁿ khì the̍h i ê hia-kóng.

"Hó, góa boeh chhut-khì!" i kóng.

I khai-sí chhēng hia-kóng. Yi lia̍h i kim-kim khòaⁿ.

"Tán leh!" yi i-i ū-ū kóng. "Tán leh! Lán sī án-chóaⁿ lah?"

I áⁿ-sin teh kat ê-tòa, bô ìn. Sî-kan teh kòe. Connie kám-kak chi̍t-chūn o͘-àm, ná-chhiūⁿ boeh hūn-khì. Só͘-ū yi ê ì-sek lóng bô--khì, yi ba̍k-chiu kim-kim khiā hia, bô-ì bô-sek khòaⁿ i, siáⁿ-mih lóng í-keng m̄-chai ah.

In-ūi siuⁿ tiām, i gia̍h-thâu khòaⁿ, khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ba̍k-chiu tián tōa, lâng sit-sîn. Ná hō͘ hong chhoe khí, i khí sin phiân hiòng yi, ê-á chi̍t-kha chhēng, chi̍t-kha lak, siang-chhiú kā yi lám tio̍h, ân-ân siâm ji̍p sin-khu, ân kah sin-khu teh khí thiàⁿ. Chū án-ne, i kā siâm tio̍h, chū án-ne yi chēng-chēng hō͘ siâm.

Án-ne it-ti̍t kàu i ê siang-chhiú bông-bo̍k hiòng ē bong yi, koh chhun ji̍p saⁿ-á bong tio̍h yi he iu-ku̍t koh un-loán ê sin-khu.

"Koai!" i nauh-ōe. "Óa ê sió ko͘-niû! Án m̄-than oan! Án chhian-bān m̄-than oan! Óa ài lír, mā ài bong lír. M̄-than kap óa sio-chèⁿ! M̄-than! M̄-than! M̄-than! Án to̍h ài chò-hé."

Yi taⁿ bīn khòaⁿ i.

"Bián chhau-hoân," yi tìn-chēng kóng. "Chhau-hoân mā bô iōng. Lí kám chin-chiàⁿ boeh kap góa chò-hóe sioh?"

Yi ba̍k-chiu tián tōa, tèng tiâu-tiâu khòaⁿ i ê bīn. I thêng-chhiú, hut-jiân tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ, kā bīn oa̍t hiòng piⁿ-á. I kui-sin lóng tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ, m̄-koh bô kiu-chhiú.

Jiân-āu i gia̍h thâu khòaⁿ yi ê ba̍k-chiu, kek chhut he ku-koài, gê-sé ê khó͘-chhiò, kóng: "Ái-ái! Án to̍h li̍p-sè ài chò-hé."

"Che sī chin ê bô?" yi kóng, ba̍k-chiu kâm ba̍k-sái.

"Ái, chin ê! Sim liâm pak, liâm lān."

I iáu sī àⁿ ē khin-khin tùi yi chhiò, ba̍k-chiu siám-sih tio̍h gê-sé, koh ū tām-po̍h ê khó͘-bī.

Yi jím-siaⁿ teh khàu, i hām yi tī hóe-lô͘ chêng ê tē-thán tó lo̍h-lâi kā tōng, án-ne nn̄g-lâng chiah lóng tit-tio̍h pêng-chēng. Āu-lâi, in tō kín-kín khì bîn-chhn̂g, in-ūi lú lâi lú léng, nn̄g-lâng mā lóng hō͘-siong pìⁿ kah chin thiám. Yi khut tī i ê heng-chêng, kám-kak ka-tī kiu-kiu, sè-sè, nn̄g-lâng chin kín tō khùn khì. In tó leh, lóng bô tín-tāng, it-tit kàu ji̍t-thâu ùi chhiū-nâ phû-khí, sin ê chi̍t-kang koh-chài khai-sí.

--

14.7 我相信愛情需要溫暖 ê 心

In 兩人攏靜落來. 後來伊 koh 興起來, tō 講:

"著, 我有相信. 我相信愛有溫暖 ê 心. 我尤其相信愛情需要溫暖 ê 心, sio-kàn 愛有溫暖 ê 心. 查埔若用溫暖 ê 心去 kàn, 查某用溫暖 ê 心去接受, 一切 tō 攏順利. 用冷酷 ê 心 sio-kàn, tō 穩死, 穩戇.

"M̄-koh, 你毋通用冷酷 ê 心 kàn 我," 她抗議.

"我根本無想欲 kàn 你. 我 ê 心 chit-má 冷 kah ná 番薯."

"Oh!" 她講, ná 做耍唚伊. "Án-ne, 咱來煎番薯." 伊笑出來, 坐 thêng.

"彼是事實!" 伊講. "逐項代誌攏愛有淡薄溫暖 ê 心. M̄-koh 查某人無愛彼. 甚至你家己 mā 毋是真正愛彼. 你佮意爽, 利 koh 鑿 ê 冷心 sio-kàn, 假鬼講 án-ne 真甜. 你那有 tùi 我 ê 溫情? 你懷疑我 tō ná 像貓 tùi 狗. 我 kā 你講, 想欲有溫情 kap 溫暖 ê 心, 著愛有兩人. 你佮意 sio-kàn, 無毋著: m̄-koh 你叫是彼是啥偉大, 神祕 ê 物件, 干焦為著扶挺你家己 ê 自尊. 你家己 ê 自尊懸過任何查埔人, mā 懸過你和查埔人 ê 關係."

"M̄-koh, 我 tō 是 án-ne 講你. 你 ê 自尊 tō 是你 ê 一切."

"Ái! Án-ne 誠好!" 伊講, ná 振動, ká-ná 欲 peh 起來. "咱分開好 lah. 我寧可死 mā 毋願做冷心 ê sio-kàn."

她 ùi 伊身軀溜開, iah 伊徛起來.

"你想講我 teh 癮 sioh?" 她講.

"我希望你無," 伊應. "M̄-koh, 總是, 你去眠床睏, 我欲 tī 樓跤睏."

她掠伊看. 伊面白, 目眉拍結, 表現 kah ná tī 北極 hiah 遠. 所有 ê 查埔人攏仝款.

"我袂當到天光才轉." 她講.

"莫! 你去睏. Koh 一刻 tō 一點 ah."

"我定著毋睏," 她講.

伊行去提伊 ê 靴管.

"好, 我欲出去!" 伊講.

伊開始穿靴管. 她掠伊金金看.

"等 leh!" 她 i-i ū-ū 講. "等 leh! 咱是按怎 lah?"

伊 áⁿ 身 teh 結鞋帶, 無應. 時間 teh 過. Connie 感覺一陣烏暗, ná 像欲昏去. 所有她 ê 意識攏無--去, 她目睭金金徛遐, 無意無識看伊, 啥物攏已經毋知 ah.

因為 siuⁿ 恬, 伊攑頭看, 看著她目睭展大, 人失神. Ná 予風吹起, 伊起身 phiân 向她, 鞋仔一跤穿, 一跤 lak, 雙手 kā 她攬著, 絚絚尋入身軀, 絚 kah 身軀 teh 起疼. 自 án-ne, 伊 kā 尋著, 自 án-ne 她靜靜予尋.

Án-ne 一直到伊 ê 雙手盲目向下摸她, koh 伸入衫仔摸著她彼 iu 滑 koh 溫暖 ê 身軀.

"乖!" 伊 nauh 話. "Óa ê 小姑娘! Án 毋 than 冤! Án 千萬 m̄ than 冤! Óa 愛 lír, mā 愛摸 lír. 毋 than kap óa 相諍! 毋 than! 毋 than! 毋 than! Án to̍h 愛 chò-hé."

她 taⁿ 面看伊.

"免操煩," 她鎮靜講. "操煩 mā 無用. 你敢真正欲 kap 我做伙 sioh?"

她目睭展大, 釘牢牢看伊 ê 面. 伊停手, 忽然定定, kā 面越向邊仔. 伊規身攏定定, m̄-koh 無勼手.

然後伊攑頭看她 ê 目睭, 激出彼龜怪, gê-sé ê 苦笑, 講: "Ái-ái! Án to̍h 立誓愛 chò-hé."

"這是真 ê 無?" 她講, 目睭 kâm 目屎.

"Ái, 真 ê! 心黏腹, 黏 lān."

伊猶是 àⁿ 下輕輕對她笑, 目睭閃爍著 gê-sé, koh 有淡薄 ê 苦味.

她忍聲 teh 哭, 伊和她 tī 火爐前 ê 地毯倒落來 kā 撞, án-ne 兩人才攏得著平靜. 後來, in tō 緊緊去眠床, 因為 lú 來 lú 冷, 兩人 mā 攏互相 pìⁿ kah 真忝. 她屈 tī 伊 ê 胸前, 感覺家己勼勼, 細細, 兩人真緊 tō 睏去. In 倒 leh, 攏無振動, 一直到日頭 ùi 樹林浮起, 新 ê 一工 koh 再開始.

--

14.7

They were both silent. Then he roused himself and said:

‘Yes, I do believe in something. I believe in being warmhearted. I believe especially in being warm-hearted in love, in fucking with a warm heart. I believe if men could fuck with warm hearts, and the women take it warm-heartedly, everything would come all right. It’s all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy.’

‘But you don’t fuck me cold-heartedly,’ she protested.

‘I don’t want to fuck you at all. My heart’s as cold as cold potatoes just now.’

‘Oh!’ she said, kissing him mockingly. ‘Let’s have them sautes.’ He laughed, and sat erect.

‘It’s a fact!’ he said. ‘Anything for a bit of warm-heartedness. But the women don’t like it. Even you don’t really like it. You like good, sharp, piercing cold-hearted fucking, and then pretending it’s all sugar. Where’s your tenderness for me? You’re as suspicious of me as a cat is of a dog. I tell you it takes two even to be tender and warm-hearted. You love fucking all right: but you want it to be called something grand and mysterious, just to flatter your own self-importance. Your own self-importance is more to you, fifty times more, than any man, or being together with a man.’

‘But that’s what I’d say of you. Your own self-importance is everything to you.’

‘Ay! Very well then!’ he said, moving as if he wanted to rise. ‘Let’s keep apart then. I’d rather die than do any more cold-hearted fucking.’

She slid away from him, and he stood up.

‘And do you think I want it?’ she said.

‘I hope you don’t,’ he replied. ‘But anyhow, you go to bed an’ I’ll sleep down here.’

She looked at him. He was pale, his brows were sullen, he was as distant in recoil as the cold pole. Men were all alike.

‘I can’t go home till morning,’ she said.

‘No! Go to bed. It’s a quarter to one.’

‘I certainly won’t,’ she said.

He went across and picked up his boots.

‘Then I’ll go out!’ he said.

He began to put on his boots. She stared at him.

‘Wait!’ she faltered. ‘Wait! What’s come between us?’

He was bent over, lacing his boot, and did not reply. The moments passed. A dimness came over her, like a swoon. All her consciousness died, and she stood there wide-eyed, looking at him from the unknown, knowing nothing any more.

He looked up, because of the silence, and saw her wide-eyed and lost. And as if a wind tossed him he got up and hobbled over to her, one shoe off and one shoe on, and took her in his arms, pressing her against his body, which somehow felt hurt right through. And there he held her, and there she remained.

Till his hands reached blindly down and felt for her, and felt under the clothing to where she was smooth and warm.

‘Ma lass!’ he murmured. ‘Ma little lass! Dunna let’s light! Dunna let’s niver light! I love thee an’ th’ touch on thee. Dunna argue wi’ me! Dunna! Dunna! Dunna! Let’s be together.’

She lifted her face and looked at him.

‘Don’t be upset,’ she said steadily. ‘It’s no good being upset. Do you really want to be together with me?’

She looked with wide, steady eyes into his face. He stopped, and went suddenly still, turning his face aside. All his body went perfectly still, but did not withdraw.

Then he lifted his head and looked into her eyes, with his odd, faintly mocking grin, saying: ‘Ay-ay! Let’s be together on oath.’

‘But really?’ she said, her eyes filling with tears.

‘Ay really! Heart an’ belly an’ cock.’

He still smiled faintly down at her, with the flicker of irony in his eyes, and a touch of bitterness.

She was silently weeping, and he lay with her and went into her there on the hearthrug, and so they gained a measure of equanimity. And then they went quickly to bed, for it was growing chill, and they had tired each other out. And she nestled up to him, feeling small and enfolded, and they both went to sleep at once, fast in one sleep. And so they lay and never moved, till the sun rose over the wood and day was beginning.

--

14.6 這款代誌需要兩人同齊

14.6 Chit khoán tāi-chì su-iàu nn̄g-lâng tâng-chê

Yi khòaⁿ i.

"Lí nā hèng ê sî, lí bē bô sìn-jīm lí ê sin-thé," yi kóng. "Hit-sî lí bē bô sìn-jīm, sī bô?"

"M̄-sī, ai-ah! Tō sī án-ne góa chiah ē ū mâ-hoân. Tō sī án-ne, góa ê sim chiah ē hiah-nī bē sìn-jīm."

"Bē sìn-jīm tō mài sìn-jīm. Che ū siáⁿ iàu-kín!"

Káu tī tē-thán téng chhut chi̍t-ê bô sóng-khoài ê siaⁿ. Chek tio̍h hóe-hu ê hóe sè--khì.

"Lán sī chi̍t tùi chiàn-pāi ê chiàn-sū," Connie kóng.

"Lí mā chiàn-pāi?" i chhiò. "Chit-má lán boeh koh chiūⁿ chiàn-tiûⁿ!"

"Sī ah! Góa kám-kak chin tio̍h-kiaⁿ."

"Ái!"

I khiā khí-lâi, the̍h yi ê ê-á khì hang-hóe, kā ka-tī ê chhit-chhit leh, khǹg tī hóe piⁿ. Thiⁿ-kng ê sî, i tio̍h kā in chhit-iû. I kā chio̍h-hoe-pang ê hu chīn-liōng óe chhut-lâi. "Sio-chò hu, mā sī a-cha," i kóng. Koh-lâi i the̍h kóa chhâ-kho͘, khǹg tī kè-á téng, bîn-á chá-khí thang iōng. Án-ne liáu, i koh hām káu chhut-khì chi̍t-khùn-á.

Tán i tńg-lâi ê sî, Connie kóng:

"Góa mā boeh chhut-khì chi̍t-ē."

Yi ka-tī chi̍t-ê chhut-khì o͘-àm ê gōa-kháu. Thâu-khak téng móa thiⁿ chheⁿ. Yi phīⁿ ē tio̍h àm-sî khong-khì ê hoe-phang, mā kám-kak í-keng tâm ê ê-á koh-khah tâm ah. M̄-koh yi kám-kak ná teh lī-khui, ti̍t-ti̍t lī-khui hit-lâng, hām chiòng-lâng.

Gōa-kháu chheⁿ-léng. Yi ka-lún-sún, tō koh tńg chhù lāi. I chē tī sè-sè ê lô͘-hóe thâu-chêng.

"Ah! Léng!" yi ka-lún-sún.

I kā hóe ke kóa chhâ-kho͘, koh khì the̍h khah chē, it-ti̍t kàu móa lô͘ ê hóe hōng-hōng kiò. Pi-pi-pia̍k-pia̍k ê n̂g-sek hóe-iām, hō͘ in kám-kak hoaⁿ-hí, hang kah bīn sio-sio, lêng-hûn mā sio-sio.

"Bián tam-sim!" yi kóng, ná khan tiām-tiām chē hn̄g-hn̄g ê i ê chhiú. "Chīn-la̍t chò tō hó."

"Ái!" i khó͘-chhiò, thò͘ chi̍t kháu khùi.

Yi sóa óa i, khiú i ê siang-chhiú lám ka-tī, i iáu sī chē tī hóe-lô͘ chêng.

"Pàng bē-kì!" yi khin-siaⁿ kóng. "Pàng bē-kì!"

Tī hóe ê jia̍t-liû tiong-kan, i kā yi lám óa. Hóe-iām tō ná teh pàng bē-kì kāng-khoán. Koh ka siōng yi he jiû-nńg, un-loán, sêng-se̍k ê tāng-liōng! Bān-bān i ê hoeh-lō͘ choán-piàn ah, koh khai-sí ek khí le̍k-liōng kap ióng-khì.

"Hoān-sè hiah-ê cha-bó͘ siūⁿ boeh kàu hia, hó-hó ài lí, chí-sī yin chò bē-kàu. Hoān-sè he mā m̄-sī yin ê m̄-tio̍h," yi kóng.

"He góa chai. Lí siūⁿ kóng góa m̄-chai, hit bóe hông chàm-tn̄g io-chiah-kut ê chôa tō sī góa ka-tī lah!"

Yi hut-jiân khîⁿ óa i. Yi pún-chiâⁿ m̄-sī boeh khai-sí chit-ê ōe-tê. Chí-sī in-ūi jīm-sèng chiah án-ne kóng.

"M̄-koh, taⁿ lí m̄-sī ah," yi kóng. "Taⁿ lí m̄-sī ah: m̄-sī hông chàm-tn̄g io-chiah-kut ê chôa."

"Góa m̄-chai taⁿ góa sī siáⁿ. Thâu-chêng iáu ū o͘-àm ê ji̍t-chí."

"Bô!" yi khòng-gī, ná khîⁿ óa i. "Sī án-chóaⁿ? Sī án-chóaⁿ?"

"Lán lóng ū o͘-àm ê ji̍t-chí, ta̍k lâng lóng ū," i iōng chi̍t-chióng ī-giân ê iu-ut koh kóng chi̍t-piàn.

"Bô! Lí m̄-thang án-ne kóng!"

I bô kóng siáⁿ. M̄-koh yi kám-kak ē tio̍h i sim-nih choa̍t-bōng ê o͘-khang. Tī hia, só͘-ū ê io̍k-bōng lóng sí, só͘-ū ê ài lóng sí: chit-chióng choa̍t-bōng, tō ná sī só͘-ū cha-po͘-lâng sit-khì in ê sim-lêng ê o͘-tōng.

"Lí kā sèng-ài kóng kah chiâⁿ léng-khok," yi kóng. "Lí án-ne kóng, bē-su lí kan-ta su-iàu ka-tī ê khoài-lo̍k kap boán-chiok."

Yi kā khòng-gī, kám-kak put-an.

"Nái!" i kóng. "Góa su-iàu ùi cha-bó͘ hia tit-tio̍h góa ê khoài-lo̍k kap boán-chiok, m̄-koh m̄-bat tit-tio̍h: in-ūi nā bô hō͘ yi tâng-chê tit-tio̍h khoài-lo̍k kap boán-chiok, góa tō bē tit-tio̍h góa ê. M̄-koh, m̄-bat ū chit-khoán sū hoat-seng. Ài nn̄g-lâng tâng-chê."

"M̄-koh, lí lóng bô sìn-jīm lí ê cha-bó͘. Lí sīm-chì mā bô chin-chiàⁿ sìn-jīm góa," yi kóng.

"Góa m̄-chai, sìn-jīm cha-bó͘ sī siáⁿ ì-sù."

"Tō sī án-ne ah, lí khòaⁿ!"

Yi iáu sī chē tī i ê kha-thúi téng. M̄-koh i ê sim-sîn phú-phú, put-tēng, i pēng bô choan-sim tùi-thāi yi. Yi só͘ kóng ê ōe, kā i sak kah koh-khah hn̄g khì.

"Tàu-té lí siong-sìn ê sī siáⁿ?" yi kian-chhî koh mn̄g.

"Góa m̄-chai."

"Lóng m̄-chai, tō ná góa só͘ bat ê cha-po͘-lâng kāng-khoán." yi kóng.

--

14.6 這款代誌需要兩人同齊

她看伊.

"你若興 ê 時, 你袂無信任你 ê 身體," 她講. "彼時你袂無信任, 是無?"

"毋是, ai-ah! Tō 是 án-ne 我才會有麻煩. Tō 是 án-ne, 我 ê 心才會 hiah-nī 袂信任."

"袂信任 tō 莫信任. 這有啥要緊!"

狗 tī 地毯頂出一个無爽快 ê 聲. 積著火烌 ê 火細去.

"咱是一對戰敗 ê 戰士," Connie 講.

"你 mā 戰敗?" 伊笑. "Chit-má 咱欲 koh 上戰場!"

"是 ah! 我感覺真著驚."

"Ái!"

伊徛起來, 提她 ê 鞋仔去烘火, kā 家己 ê 拭拭 leh, 囥 tī 火邊. 天光 ê 時, 伊著 kā in 拭油. 伊 kā 石灰枋 ê hu 盡量挖出來. "燒做 hu, mā 是 a-cha," 伊講. Koh 來伊提寡柴箍, 囥 tī 架仔頂, 明仔早起通用. Án-ne 了, 伊 koh 和狗出去一睏仔.

等伊轉來 ê 時, Connie 講:

"我 mā 欲出去一下."

她家己一个出去烏暗 ê 外口. 頭殼頂滿天星. 她鼻會著暗時空氣 ê 花芳, mā 感覺已經澹 ê 鞋仔 koh 較澹 ah. M̄-koh 她感覺 ná teh 離開, 直直離開彼人, 和眾人.

外口生冷. 她 ka-lún-sún, tō koh 轉厝內. 伊坐 tī 細細 ê 爐火頭前.

"Ah! 冷!" 她 ka-lún-sún.

伊 kā 火加寡柴箍, koh 去提較濟, 一直到滿爐 ê 火 hōng-hōng 叫. Pi-pi-pia̍k-pia̍k ê 黃色火焰, 予 in 感覺歡喜, 烘 kah 面燒燒, 靈魂 mā 燒燒.

"免擔心!" 她講, ná 牽恬恬坐遠遠 ê 伊 ê 手. "盡力做 tō 好."

"Ái!" 伊苦笑, 吐一口氣.

她徙倚伊, 搝伊 ê 雙手攬家己, 伊猶是坐 tī 火爐前.

"放袂記!" 她輕聲講. "放袂記!"

Tī 火 ê 熱流中間, 伊 kā 她攬倚. 火焰 tō ná teh 放袂記仝款. Koh 加上她彼柔軟, 溫暖, 成熟 ê 重量! 慢慢伊 ê 血路轉變 ah, koh 開始溢起力量 kap 勇氣.

"凡勢 hiah-ê 查某想欲到遐, 好好愛你, 只是姻做袂到. 凡勢彼 mā 毋是姻 ê 毋著," 她講.

"彼我知. 你想講我毋知, 彼尾 hông 蹔斷腰脊骨 ê 蛇 tō 是我家己 lah!"

她忽然 khîⁿ 倚伊. 她本成毋是欲開始這个話題. 只是因為任性才 án-ne 講.

"M̄-koh, 今你毋是 ah," 她講. "今你毋是 ah: 毋是 hông 蹔斷腰脊骨 ê 蛇."

"我毋知今我是啥. 頭前猶有烏暗 ê 日子."

"無!" 她抗議, ná khîⁿ 倚伊. "是按怎? 是按怎?"

"咱攏有烏暗 ê 日子, 逐人攏有," 伊用一種預言 ê 憂鬱 koh 講一遍.

"無! 你毋通 án-ne 講!"

伊無講啥. M̄-koh 她感覺會著伊心 nih 絕望 ê 烏空. Tī 遐, 所有 ê 慾望攏死, 所有 ê 愛攏死: 這種絕望, tō ná 是所有查埔人失去 in ê 心靈 ê 烏洞.

"你 kā 性愛講 kah 誠冷酷," 她講. "你 án-ne 講, 袂輸你干焦需要家己 ê 快樂 kap 滿足."

她 kā 抗議, 感覺不安.

"Nái!" 伊講. "我需要 ùi 查某遐得著我 ê 快樂 kap 滿足, m̄-koh m̄-bat 得著: 因為若無予她同齊得著快樂 kap 滿足, 我 tō 袂得著我 ê. M̄-koh, m̄-bat 有這款事發生. 愛兩人同齊."

"M̄-koh, 你攏無信任你 ê 查某. 你甚至 mā 無真正信任我," 她講.

"我毋知, 信任查某是啥意思."

"Tō 是 án-ne ah, 你看!"

她猶是坐 tī 伊 ê 跤腿頂. M̄-koh 伊 ê 心神殕殕, 不定, 伊並無專心對待她. 她所講 ê 話, kā 伊捒 kah koh 較遠去.

"到底你相信 ê 是啥?" 她堅持 koh 問.

"我毋知."

"攏毋知, tō ná 我所 bat ê 查埔人仝款." 她講.

--

14.6

She looked at him.

‘You don’t mistrust with your body, when your blood comes up,’ she said. ‘You don’t mistrust then, do you?’

‘No, alas! That’s how I’ve got into all the trouble. And that’s why my mind mistrusts so thoroughly.’

‘Let your mind mistrust. What does it matter!’

The dog sighed with discomfort on the mat. The ash-clogged fire sank.

‘We are a couple of battered warriors,’ said Connie.

‘Are you battered too?’ he laughed. ‘And here we are returning to the fray!’

‘Yes! I feel really frightened.’

‘Ay!’

He got up, and put her shoes to dry, and wiped his own and set them near the fire. In the morning he would grease them. He poked the ash of pasteboard as much as possible out of the fire. ‘Even burnt, it’s filthy,’ he said. Then he brought sticks and put them on the hob for the morning. Then he went out awhile with the dog.

When he came back, Connie said:

‘I want to go out too, for a minute.’

She went alone into the darkness. There were stars overhead. She could smell flowers on the night air. And she could feel her wet shoes getting wetter again. But she felt like going away, right away from him and everybody.

It was chilly. She shuddered, and returned to the house. He was sitting in front of the low fire.

‘Ugh! Cold!’ she shuddered.

He put the sticks on the fire, and fetched more, till they had a good crackling chimneyful of blaze. The rippling running yellow flame made them both happy, warmed their faces and their souls.

‘Never mind!’ she said, taking his hand as he sat silent and remote. ‘One does one’s best.’

‘Ay!’ He sighed, with a twist of a smile.

She slipped over to him, and into his arms, as he sat there before the fire.

‘Forget then!’ she whispered. ‘Forget!’

He held her close, in the running warmth of the fire. The flame itself was like a forgetting. And her soft, warm, ripe weight! Slowly his blood turned, and began to ebb back into strength and reckless vigour again.

‘And perhaps the women really wanted to be there and love you properly, only perhaps they couldn’t. Perhaps it wasn’t all their fault,’ she said.

‘I know it. Do you think I don’t know what a broken-backed snake that’s been trodden on I was myself!’

She clung to him suddenly. She had not wanted to start all this again. Yet some perversity had made her.

‘But you’re not now,’ she said. ‘You’re not that now: a broken-backed snake that’s been trodden on.’

‘I don’t know what I am. There’s black days ahead.’

‘No!’ she protested, clinging to him. ‘Why? Why?’

‘There’s black days coming for us all and for everybody,’ he repeated with a prophetic gloom.

‘No! You’re not to say it!’

He was silent. But she could feel the black void of despair inside him. That was the death of all desire, the death of all love: this despair that was like the dark cave inside the men, in which their spirit was lost.

‘And you talk so coldly about sex,’ she said. ‘You talk as if you had only wanted your own pleasure and satisfaction.’

She was protesting nervously against him.

‘Nay!’ he said. ‘I wanted to have my pleasure and satisfaction of a woman, and I never got it: because I could never get my pleasure and satisfaction of her unless she got hers of me at the same time. And it never happened. It takes two.’

‘But you never believed in your women. You don’t even believe really in me,’ she said.

‘I don’t know what believing in a woman means.’

‘That’s it, you see!’

She still was curled on his lap. But his spirit was grey and absent, he was not there for her. And everything she said drove him further.

‘But what do you believe in?’ she insisted.

‘I don’t know.’

‘Nothing, like all the men I’ve ever known,’ she said.

--

14.5 男女關係是性命 ê 中心

14.5 Lâm-lú koan-hē sī sèⁿ-miā ê tiong-sim

Nn̄g-lâng tiām chi̍t-khùn. Hóe nih ê siòng-pang í-keng piàn hóe-hu.

"Án-ne khòaⁿ, lí bat tú tio̍h su-iàu lí ê cha-bó͘," Connie kóng, "kòe chi̍t-khùn lí tō bô hi-hán ah."

"Ái! Khòaⁿ sī án-ne! Góa lêng-khó ài yi, mā bô-ài hiah-ê éng-oán-m̄ ê cha-bó͘: hit-ê siàu-liân sî sûn-kiat ê ài-jîn kap lēng-gōa hit-ê ū-to̍k ê soaⁿ-soàn-hoe, a̍h-sī kî-thaⁿ ê."

"Kî-thaⁿ sī siáⁿ?" Connie kóng.

"Kî-thaⁿ? Bô kî-thaⁿ lah. Góa ê keng-giām, cha-bó͘ lóng sī án-ne: yin tōa pō͘-hūn su-iàu cha-po͘, m̄-koh bô su-iàu sèng-ài, yin chí-sī lún-leh chò, tòng-chò sī kau-ōaⁿ ê tiâu-kiāⁿ. Khah lāu-phài ê, kan-ta sī tó tī hia, chāi lí khì pìⁿ. Sū-āu án-chóaⁿ yin mā bô iàu-kín: m̄-koh yin kah-ì lí. Chò-ài hit-hāng tāi-chì, tùi yin bô sǹg siáⁿ, chí-sī bô chu bô bī. Tōa pō͘-hūn ê cha-po͘-lâng mā kah-ì án-ne. Góa thó-ià án-ne. Kan-chà ê cha-bo͘ ē ké-sian yin m̄-sī án-ne. Yin ke-sian chin giàn, koh chin sóng. M̄-koh he lóng sī ké-tak-tak, kan-ta sī piáu-ián. Mā ū chi̍t-kóa ta̍k-hāng ài, ài lâng bong, ài lâng so, ài chhì-kek, ta̍k-hāng lâi, kan-ta bô ài chū-jiân ê hit-chióng. Yin hō͘ lí tī m̄-sī lí eng-kai pàng-chhut ê só͘-chāi hō͘ lí pàng-chhut... Koh ū chi̍t-chióng siōng khùn-lân ê, boeh hō͘ yin sóng, hō͘ yin ka-tī sóng, tō ná-chhiūⁿ tú tio̍h kúi, chhiūⁿ goán bó͘ hit-khoán. Yin boeh chò chú-tōng-chiá... Koh ū chi̍t-chióng, lāi-té kek sí-sí: tō-sī sí-sí: che yin ka-tī mā chai. Koh ū chi̍t-chióng, lí iáu-bōe ‘kàu-tè’ yin tō kā lí put chhut-khì, yin tō kè-sio̍k iōng yin ê ē-io lù lí ê tōa-thúi, it-ti̍t kàu yin hó-sè. M̄-koh chit-chióng tōa pō͘-hūn sī tông-sèng-loân ê cha-bó͘, iā-tō-sī lú-tông-chì (lesbian). Chin sim-sek, m̄-koán ū-ì-sek a̍h bô-ì-sek, cha-bó͘-lâng ke-kiám lóng sī lú-tông-chì. Chāi góa khòaⁿ, yin chha-put-to lóng sī lú-tông-chì.”

"Lí ē koài yin bô?" Connie mn̄g.

"Yin lóng kai-sí. Góa mā tú-tio̍h chi̍t-ê chin-chiàⁿ ê lú-tông-chì, góa ê lêng-hûn ē ai-kiò, siūⁿ boeh kā thâi--sí."

"Lí ē án-chóaⁿ chò?"

"Cháu-khui, lú kín lú hó."

"Lí kám-kak lú-tông-chì pí tông-sèng-loân ê cha-po͘ khah khó-phà?"

"Bô m̄-tio̍h! Yin hō͘ góa khah chia̍h-khó͘. Lán mài kóng siuⁿ lí-lūn. Góa nā tú tio̍h chi̍t-ê lú-tông-chì, put-koán yi ka-tī chai yi sī lú-tông-chì bô, góa tō lia̍h-kông. Mài, mài! Góa bô-ài koh kap cha-bó͘ ū siáⁿ koan-hē. Góa boeh pó-chhî ka-tī: pó-chhî góa ê su-bi̍t kap góa ê ko-sióng."

I bīn pe̍h-pe̍h, ba̍k-thâu kat-kat.

"Tú tio̍h góa, lí ē hoán-hóe bô?" yi mn̄g.

"Góa hoán-hóe, góa mā hoaⁿ-hí."

"Taⁿ, lí kám-kak án-chóaⁿ?"

"Pháiⁿ-sè, góa kiaⁿ gōa-kháu chióng-chióng ê kiù-hun, ok-to̍k, kap chí-chek, che kín-bān chóng-sī ē lâi. Góa nā bô hèng-chhù, góa tō bē giàn. M̄-koh góa nā hèng chhih-chhih, góa tō hoaⁿ-hí. Góa sīm-chì kám-kak sèng-lī. Pún-chiâⁿ góa lú lâi lú khó͘-náu, siūⁿ kóng jîn-seng koh bô chin-chiàⁿ ê sèng-ài ah: bē koh tú-tio̍h ē-tàng kap cha-po͘ chin-chiàⁿ chū-jiân ‘kàu-tè’ ê cha-bó͘; kan-ta o͘-lâng cha-bó͘ ē-tàng, m̄-koh, ai-ah, lán sī pe̍h-lâng, o͘-lâng o͘-mà-mà, ná-chhiūⁿ thô͘-moâi."

"Chit-má, lí hoaⁿ-hí góa bô?" yi mn̄g.

"Sī! Án-ne góa ē-tàng pàng bē-kì kî-thaⁿ ê cha-bó͘. Nā bē-tàng pàng bē-kì, góa tō boeh bih tī toh-á kha sí."

"Sī án-chóaⁿ tī toh-á kha?"

"Án-chóaⁿ?" i chhiò. "Boeh bih khí-lâi, koai gín-á!"

"Khòaⁿ khí-lâi, lí kap cha-bó͘ ê keng-giām chin khó-phà," yi kóng.

"Lí khòaⁿ, góa bē-sái khi-phiàn ka-tī. Tōa pō͘-hūn cha-po͘ phiàn ka-tī. In chhái-chhú chi̍t-chióng thāi-tō͘, chiap-siū khi-phiàn. Góa bô hoat-tō͘ phiàn ka-tī. Góa chai, góa ài cha-bó͘ chhòng-siáⁿ, nā bô tit-tio̍h, góa bô hoat-tō͘ kóng góa ū."

"M̄-koh, taⁿ lí ū tit-tio̍h bô?"

"Khòaⁿ khí-lâi góa ē tit-tio̍h."

"Án-ne, lí ná ē bīn pe̍h koh ut-chut?"

"Kui-pak ê kì-tî: hoān-sè mā sī in-ūi góa kiaⁿ ka-tī."

Yi chēng-chēng chē leh. Lú àm ah.

"Lí jīn-ûi cha-po͘ kap cha-bó͘ ê tāi-chì chin tiōng-iàu?" yi mn̄g i.

"Chāi góa, sī án-ne. Che sī sèⁿ-miā ê tiong-sim: tō sī hām chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ ū sek-tòng ê koan-hē."

"Lí nā bô tit-tio̍h neh?"

"Án-ne tō chí-hó bô."

Yi koh tîm-su chi̍t-ē, chiah koh mn̄g:

"Li kám-kak lí kap cha-bó͘ chih-chiap lóng bô m̄-tio̍h?"

"Thiⁿ ah, m̄-sī án-ne! goán bó͘ sī góa hō͘ yi piàn hit-khoán ê: góa hoān chin chē chhò. Góa sēng yi. Góa bô sìn-jīm yi. Che lí mā siūⁿ ē-kàu. Góa chin khùn-lân chhim-chhim sìn-jīm lâng. Só͘-í, hoān-sè góa mā sī phiàn-tô͘. Góa bô sìn-jīm lâng. M̄-koh góa ê un-jiû sī bô m̄-tio̍h ê."

--

14.5 男女關係是性命 ê 中心

兩人恬一睏. 火 nih ê 相枋已經變火烌.

"Án-ne 看, 你 bat 拄著需要你 ê 查某," Connie 講, "過一睏你 tō 無稀罕 ah."

"Ái! 看是 án-ne! 我寧可愛她, mā 無愛 hiah-ê 永遠毋 ê 查某: 彼个少年時純潔 ê 愛人 kap 另外彼个有毒 ê 山蒜花, 抑是其他 ê."

"其他是啥?" Connie 講.

"其他? 無其他 lah. 我 ê 經驗, 查某攏是 án-ne: 姻大部份需要查埔, m̄-koh 無需要性愛, 姻只是忍 leh 做, 當做是交換 ê 條件. 較老派 ê, 干焦是倒 tī 遐, 在你去 pìⁿ. 事後按怎姻 mā 無要緊: m̄-koh 姻佮意你. 做愛彼項代誌, 對姻無算啥, 只是無滋無味. 大部份 ê 查埔人 mā 佮意 án-ne. 我討厭 án-ne. 奸詐 ê 查某會假仙姻毋是 án-ne. 姻假仙真癮, koh 真爽. M̄-koh 彼攏是假 tak-tak, 干焦是表演. Mā 有一寡逐項愛, 愛 lâng 摸, 愛 lâng 挲, 愛刺激, 逐項來, 干焦無愛自然 ê 彼種. 姻予你 tī 毋是你應該放出 ê 所在予你放出... Koh 有一種上困難 ê, 欲予姻爽, 予姻家己爽, tō ná 像拄著鬼, 像阮某彼款. 姻欲做主動者... Koh 有一種, 內底激死死: tō 是死死: 這姻家己 mā 知. Koh 有一種, 你猶未 '到地' 姻 tō kā 你 put 出去, 姻 tō 繼續用姻 ê下腰 lù 你 ê 大腿, 一直到姻好勢. M̄-koh 這種大部份是同性戀 ê 查某, iā-tō-sī 女同志 (lesbian). 真心適, 毋管有意識抑無意識, 查某人加減攏是女同志. 在我看, 姻差不多攏是女同志.”

"你會怪姻無?" Connie 問.

"姻攏該死. 我 mā 拄著一个真正 ê 女同志, 我 ê 靈魂會哀叫, 想欲 kā 刣死."

"你會按怎做?"

"走開, lú 緊 lú 好."

"你感覺女同志比同性戀 ê 查埔較可怕?"

"無毋著! 姻予我較食苦. 咱莫講 siuⁿ 理論. 我若拄著一个女同志, 不管她家己知她是女同志無, 我 tō 掠狂. 莫, 莫! 我無愛 koh kap 查某有啥關係. 我欲保持家己: 保持我 ê 私密 kap 我 ê 高尚."

伊面白白, 目頭結結.

"拄著我, 你會反悔無?" 她問.

"我反悔, 我 mā 歡喜."

"今, 你感覺按怎?"

"歹勢, 我驚外口種種 ê 糾紛, 惡毒, kap 指責, 這緊慢總是會來. 我若無興趣, 我 tō 袂癮. M̄-koh 我若興 chhih-chhih, 我 tō 歡喜. 我甚至感覺勝利. 本成我 lú 來 lú 苦惱, 想講人生 koh 無真正 ê 性愛 ah: 袂 koh 拄著會當 kap 查埔真正自然 '到地' ê 查某; 干焦烏人查某會當, m̄-koh, ai-ah, 咱是白人, 烏人烏 mà-mà, ná 像塗糜."

"Chit-má, 你歡喜我無?" 她問.

"是! Án-ne 我會當放袂記其他 ê 查某. 若袂當放袂記, 我 tō 欲覕 tī 桌仔跤死."

"是按怎 tī 桌仔跤?"

"按怎?" 伊笑. "欲覕起來, 乖囡仔!"

"看起來, 你 kap 查某 ê 經驗真可怕," 她講.

"你看, 我袂使欺騙家己. 大部份查埔騙家己. In 採取一種態度, 接受欺騙. 我無法度騙家己. 我知, 我愛查某創啥, 若無得著, 我無法度講我有."

"M̄-koh, 今你有得著無?"

"看起來我會得著."

"Án-ne, 你那會面白 koh 鬱卒?"

"規腹 ê 記持: 凡勢 mā 是因為我驚家己."

她靜靜坐 leh. Lú 暗 ah.

"你認為查埔 kap 查某 ê 代誌真重要?" 她問伊.

"在我, 是 án-ne. 這是性命 ê 中心: tō 是和一个查某有適當 ê 關係."

"你若無得著 neh?"

"Án-ne tō 只好無."

她 koh 沈思一下, 才 koh 問:

"你感覺你 kap 查某 chih 接攏無毋著?"

"天 ah, 毋是 án-ne! 阮某是我予她變彼款 ê: 我犯真濟錯. 我 sēng 她. 我無信任她. 這你 mā 想會到. 我真困難深深信任人. 所以, 凡勢我 mā 是騙徒. 我無信任人. M̄-koh 我 ê 溫柔是無毋著 ê."

--

14.5

There was a silence. The pasteboard in the fire had turned to grey ash.

‘So when you did get a woman who wanted you,’ said Connie, ‘you got a bit too much of a good thing.’

‘Ay! Seems so! Yet even then I’d rather have her than the never-never ones: the white love of my youth, and that other poison-smelling lily, and the rest.’

‘What about the rest?’ said Connie.

‘The rest? There is no rest. Only to my experience the mass of women are like this: most of them want a man, but don’t want the sex, but they put up with it, as part of the bargain. The more old-fashioned sort just lie there like nothing and let you go ahead. They don’t mind afterwards: then they like you. But the actual thing itself is nothing to them, a bit distasteful. And most men like it that way. I hate it. But the sly sort of women who are like that pretend they’re not. They pretend they’re passionate and have thrills. But it’s all cockaloopy. They make it up. Then there’s the ones that love everything, every kind of feeling and cuddling and going off, every kind except the natural one. They always make you go off when you’re not in the only place you should be, when you go off. — Then there’s the hard sort, that are the devil to bring off at all, and bring themselves off, like my wife. They want to be the active party. — Then there’s the sort that’s just dead inside: but dead: and they know it. Then there’s the sort that puts you out before you really “come”, and go on writhing their loins till they bring themselves off against your thighs. But they’re mostly the Lesbian sort. It’s astonishing how Lesbian women are, consciously or unconsciously. Seems to me they’re nearly all Lesbian.’

‘And do you mind?’ asked Connie.

‘I could kill them. When I’m with a woman who’s really Lesbian, I fairly howl in my soul, wanting to kill her.’

‘And what do you do?’

‘Just go away as fast as I can.’

‘But do you think Lesbian women any worse than homosexual men?’

‘ I do! Because I’ve suffered more from them. In the abstract, I’ve no idea. When I get with a Lesbian woman, whether she knows she’s one or not, I see red. No, no! But I wanted to have nothing to do with any woman any more. I wanted to keep to myself: keep my privacy and my decency.’

He looked pale, and his brows were sombre.

‘And were you sorry when I came along?’ she asked.

‘I was sorry and I was glad.’

‘And what are you now?’

‘I’m sorry, from the outside: all the complications and the ugliness and recrimination that’s bound to come, sooner or later. That’s when my blood sinks, and I’m low. But when my blood comes up, I’m glad. I’m even triumphant. I was really getting bitter. I thought there was no real sex left: never a woman who’d really “come” naturally with a man: except black women, and somehow, well, we’re white men: and they’re a bit like mud.’

‘And now, are you glad of me?’ she asked.

‘Yes! When I can forget the rest. When I can’t forget the rest, I want to get under the table and die.’

‘Why under the table?’

‘Why?’ he laughed. ‘Hide, I suppose. Baby!’

‘You do seem to have had awful experiences of women,’ she said.

‘You see, I couldn’t fool myself. That’s where most men manage. They take an attitude, and accept a lie. I could never fool myself. I knew what I wanted with a woman, and I could never say I’d got it when I hadn’t.’

‘But have you got it now?’

‘Looks as if I might have.’

‘Then why are you so pale and gloomy?’

‘Bellyful of remembering: and perhaps afraid of myself.’

She sat in silence. It was growing late.

‘And do you think it’s important, a man and a woman?’ she asked him.

‘For me it is. For me it’s the core of my life: if I have a right relation with a woman.’

‘And if you didn’t get it?’

‘Then I’d have to do without.’

Again she pondered, before she asked:

‘And do you think you’ve always been right with women?’

‘God, no! I let my wife get to what she was: my fault a good deal. I spoilt her. And I’m very mistrustful. You’ll have to expect it. It takes a lot to make me trust anybody, inwardly. So perhaps I’m a fraud too. I mistrust. And tenderness is not to be mistaken.’

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