14.6 Chit khoán tāi-chì su-iàu nn̄g-lâng tâng-chê
Yi khòaⁿ i.
"Lí nā hèng ê sî, lí bē bô sìn-jīm lí ê sin-thé," yi kóng. "Hit-sî lí bē bô sìn-jīm, sī bô?"
"M̄-sī, ai-ah! Tō sī án-ne góa chiah ē ū mâ-hoân. Tō sī án-ne, góa ê sim chiah ē hiah-nī bē sìn-jīm."
"Bē sìn-jīm tō mài sìn-jīm. Che ū siáⁿ iàu-kín!"
Káu tī tē-thán téng chhut chi̍t-ê bô sóng-khoài ê siaⁿ. Chek tio̍h hóe-hu ê hóe sè--khì.
"Lán sī chi̍t tùi chiàn-pāi ê chiàn-sū," Connie kóng.
"Lí mā chiàn-pāi?" i chhiò. "Chit-má lán boeh koh chiūⁿ chiàn-tiûⁿ!"
"Sī ah! Góa kám-kak chin tio̍h-kiaⁿ."
"Ái!"
I khiā khí-lâi, the̍h yi ê ê-á khì hang-hóe, kā ka-tī ê chhit-chhit leh, khǹg tī hóe piⁿ. Thiⁿ-kng ê sî, i tio̍h kā in chhit-iû. I kā chio̍h-hoe-pang ê hu chīn-liōng óe chhut-lâi. "Sio-chò hu, mā sī a-cha," i kóng. Koh-lâi i the̍h kóa chhâ-kho͘, khǹg tī kè-á téng, bîn-á chá-khí thang iōng. Án-ne liáu, i koh hām káu chhut-khì chi̍t-khùn-á.
Tán i tńg-lâi ê sî, Connie kóng:
"Góa mā boeh chhut-khì chi̍t-ē."
Yi ka-tī chi̍t-ê chhut-khì o͘-àm ê gōa-kháu. Thâu-khak téng móa thiⁿ chheⁿ. Yi phīⁿ ē tio̍h àm-sî khong-khì ê hoe-phang, mā kám-kak í-keng tâm ê ê-á koh-khah tâm ah. M̄-koh yi kám-kak ná teh lī-khui, ti̍t-ti̍t lī-khui hit-lâng, hām chiòng-lâng.
Gōa-kháu chheⁿ-léng. Yi ka-lún-sún, tō koh tńg chhù lāi. I chē tī sè-sè ê lô͘-hóe thâu-chêng.
"Ah! Léng!" yi ka-lún-sún.
I kā hóe ke kóa chhâ-kho͘, koh khì the̍h khah chē, it-ti̍t kàu móa lô͘ ê hóe hōng-hōng kiò. Pi-pi-pia̍k-pia̍k ê n̂g-sek hóe-iām, hō͘ in kám-kak hoaⁿ-hí, hang kah bīn sio-sio, lêng-hûn mā sio-sio.
"Bián tam-sim!" yi kóng, ná khan tiām-tiām chē hn̄g-hn̄g ê i ê chhiú. "Chīn-la̍t chò tō hó."
"Ái!" i khó͘-chhiò, thò͘ chi̍t kháu khùi.
Yi sóa óa i, khiú i ê siang-chhiú lám ka-tī, i iáu sī chē tī hóe-lô͘ chêng.
"Pàng bē-kì!" yi khin-siaⁿ kóng. "Pàng bē-kì!"
Tī hóe ê jia̍t-liû tiong-kan, i kā yi lám óa. Hóe-iām tō ná teh pàng bē-kì kāng-khoán. Koh ka siōng yi he jiû-nńg, un-loán, sêng-se̍k ê tāng-liōng! Bān-bān i ê hoeh-lō͘ choán-piàn ah, koh khai-sí ek khí le̍k-liōng kap ióng-khì.
"Hoān-sè hiah-ê cha-bó͘ siūⁿ boeh kàu hia, hó-hó ài lí, chí-sī yin chò bē-kàu. Hoān-sè he mā m̄-sī yin ê m̄-tio̍h," yi kóng.
"He góa chai. Lí siūⁿ kóng góa m̄-chai, hit bóe hông chàm-tn̄g io-chiah-kut ê chôa tō sī góa ka-tī lah!"
Yi hut-jiân khîⁿ óa i. Yi pún-chiâⁿ m̄-sī boeh khai-sí chit-ê ōe-tê. Chí-sī in-ūi jīm-sèng chiah án-ne kóng.
"M̄-koh, taⁿ lí m̄-sī ah," yi kóng. "Taⁿ lí m̄-sī ah: m̄-sī hông chàm-tn̄g io-chiah-kut ê chôa."
"Góa m̄-chai taⁿ góa sī siáⁿ. Thâu-chêng iáu ū o͘-àm ê ji̍t-chí."
"Bô!" yi khòng-gī, ná khîⁿ óa i. "Sī án-chóaⁿ? Sī án-chóaⁿ?"
"Lán lóng ū o͘-àm ê ji̍t-chí, ta̍k lâng lóng ū," i iōng chi̍t-chióng ī-giân ê iu-ut koh kóng chi̍t-piàn.
"Bô! Lí m̄-thang án-ne kóng!"
I bô kóng siáⁿ. M̄-koh yi kám-kak ē tio̍h i sim-nih choa̍t-bōng ê o͘-khang. Tī hia, só͘-ū ê io̍k-bōng lóng sí, só͘-ū ê ài lóng sí: chit-chióng choa̍t-bōng, tō ná sī só͘-ū cha-po͘-lâng sit-khì in ê sim-lêng ê o͘-tōng.
"Lí kā sèng-ài kóng kah chiâⁿ léng-khok," yi kóng. "Lí án-ne kóng, bē-su lí kan-ta su-iàu ka-tī ê khoài-lo̍k kap boán-chiok."
Yi kā khòng-gī, kám-kak put-an.
"Nái!" i kóng. "Góa su-iàu ùi cha-bó͘ hia tit-tio̍h góa ê khoài-lo̍k kap boán-chiok, m̄-koh m̄-bat tit-tio̍h: in-ūi nā bô hō͘ yi tâng-chê tit-tio̍h khoài-lo̍k kap boán-chiok, góa tō bē tit-tio̍h góa ê. M̄-koh, m̄-bat ū chit-khoán sū hoat-seng. Ài nn̄g-lâng tâng-chê."
"M̄-koh, lí lóng bô sìn-jīm lí ê cha-bó͘. Lí sīm-chì mā bô chin-chiàⁿ sìn-jīm góa," yi kóng.
"Góa m̄-chai, sìn-jīm cha-bó͘ sī siáⁿ ì-sù."
"Tō sī án-ne ah, lí khòaⁿ!"
Yi iáu sī chē tī i ê kha-thúi téng. M̄-koh i ê sim-sîn phú-phú, put-tēng, i pēng bô choan-sim tùi-thāi yi. Yi só͘ kóng ê ōe, kā i sak kah koh-khah hn̄g khì.
"Tàu-té lí siong-sìn ê sī siáⁿ?" yi kian-chhî koh mn̄g.
"Góa m̄-chai."
"Lóng m̄-chai, tō ná góa só͘ bat ê cha-po͘-lâng kāng-khoán." yi kóng.
--
14.6 這款代誌需要兩人同齊
她看伊.
"你若興 ê 時, 你袂無信任你 ê 身體," 她講. "彼時你袂無信任, 是無?"
"毋是, ai-ah! Tō 是 án-ne 我才會有麻煩. Tō 是 án-ne, 我 ê 心才會 hiah-nī 袂信任."
"袂信任 tō 莫信任. 這有啥要緊!"
狗 tī 地毯頂出一个無爽快 ê 聲. 積著火烌 ê 火細去.
"咱是一對戰敗 ê 戰士," Connie 講.
"你 mā 戰敗?" 伊笑. "Chit-má 咱欲 koh 上戰場!"
"是 ah! 我感覺真著驚."
"Ái!"
伊徛起來, 提她 ê 鞋仔去烘火, kā 家己 ê 拭拭 leh, 囥 tī 火邊. 天光 ê 時, 伊著 kā in 拭油. 伊 kā 石灰枋 ê hu 盡量挖出來. "燒做 hu, mā 是 a-cha," 伊講. Koh 來伊提寡柴箍, 囥 tī 架仔頂, 明仔早起通用. Án-ne 了, 伊 koh 和狗出去一睏仔.
等伊轉來 ê 時, Connie 講:
"我 mā 欲出去一下."
她家己一个出去烏暗 ê 外口. 頭殼頂滿天星. 她鼻會著暗時空氣 ê 花芳, mā 感覺已經澹 ê 鞋仔 koh 較澹 ah. M̄-koh 她感覺 ná teh 離開, 直直離開彼人, 和眾人.
外口生冷. 她 ka-lún-sún, tō koh 轉厝內. 伊坐 tī 細細 ê 爐火頭前.
"Ah! 冷!" 她 ka-lún-sún.
伊 kā 火加寡柴箍, koh 去提較濟, 一直到滿爐 ê 火 hōng-hōng 叫. Pi-pi-pia̍k-pia̍k ê 黃色火焰, 予 in 感覺歡喜, 烘 kah 面燒燒, 靈魂 mā 燒燒.
"免擔心!" 她講, ná 牽恬恬坐遠遠 ê 伊 ê 手. "盡力做 tō 好."
"Ái!" 伊苦笑, 吐一口氣.
她徙倚伊, 搝伊 ê 雙手攬家己, 伊猶是坐 tī 火爐前.
"放袂記!" 她輕聲講. "放袂記!"
Tī 火 ê 熱流中間, 伊 kā 她攬倚. 火焰 tō ná teh 放袂記仝款. Koh 加上她彼柔軟, 溫暖, 成熟 ê 重量! 慢慢伊 ê 血路轉變 ah, koh 開始溢起力量 kap 勇氣.
"凡勢 hiah-ê 查某想欲到遐, 好好愛你, 只是姻做袂到. 凡勢彼 mā 毋是姻 ê 毋著," 她講.
"彼我知. 你想講我毋知, 彼尾 hông 蹔斷腰脊骨 ê 蛇 tō 是我家己 lah!"
她忽然 khîⁿ 倚伊. 她本成毋是欲開始這个話題. 只是因為任性才 án-ne 講.
"M̄-koh, 今你毋是 ah," 她講. "今你毋是 ah: 毋是 hông 蹔斷腰脊骨 ê 蛇."
"我毋知今我是啥. 頭前猶有烏暗 ê 日子."
"無!" 她抗議, ná khîⁿ 倚伊. "是按怎? 是按怎?"
"咱攏有烏暗 ê 日子, 逐人攏有," 伊用一種預言 ê 憂鬱 koh 講一遍.
"無! 你毋通 án-ne 講!"
伊無講啥. M̄-koh 她感覺會著伊心 nih 絕望 ê 烏空. Tī 遐, 所有 ê 慾望攏死, 所有 ê 愛攏死: 這種絕望, tō ná 是所有查埔人失去 in ê 心靈 ê 烏洞.
"你 kā 性愛講 kah 誠冷酷," 她講. "你 án-ne 講, 袂輸你干焦需要家己 ê 快樂 kap 滿足."
她 kā 抗議, 感覺不安.
"Nái!" 伊講. "我需要 ùi 查某遐得著我 ê 快樂 kap 滿足, m̄-koh m̄-bat 得著: 因為若無予她同齊得著快樂 kap 滿足, 我 tō 袂得著我 ê. M̄-koh, m̄-bat 有這款事發生. 愛兩人同齊."
"M̄-koh, 你攏無信任你 ê 查某. 你甚至 mā 無真正信任我," 她講.
"我毋知, 信任查某是啥意思."
"Tō 是 án-ne ah, 你看!"
她猶是坐 tī 伊 ê 跤腿頂. M̄-koh 伊 ê 心神殕殕, 不定, 伊並無專心對待她. 她所講 ê 話, kā 伊捒 kah koh 較遠去.
"到底你相信 ê 是啥?" 她堅持 koh 問.
"我毋知."
"攏毋知, tō ná 我所 bat ê 查埔人仝款." 她講.
--
14.6
She looked at him.
‘You don’t mistrust with your body, when your blood comes up,’ she said. ‘You don’t mistrust then, do you?’
‘No, alas! That’s how I’ve got into all the trouble. And that’s why my mind mistrusts so thoroughly.’
‘Let your mind mistrust. What does it matter!’
The dog sighed with discomfort on the mat. The ash-clogged fire sank.
‘We are a couple of battered warriors,’ said Connie.
‘Are you battered too?’ he laughed. ‘And here we are returning to the fray!’
‘Yes! I feel really frightened.’
‘Ay!’
He got up, and put her shoes to dry, and wiped his own and set them near the fire. In the morning he would grease them. He poked the ash of pasteboard as much as possible out of the fire. ‘Even burnt, it’s filthy,’ he said. Then he brought sticks and put them on the hob for the morning. Then he went out awhile with the dog.
When he came back, Connie said:
‘I want to go out too, for a minute.’
She went alone into the darkness. There were stars overhead. She could smell flowers on the night air. And she could feel her wet shoes getting wetter again. But she felt like going away, right away from him and everybody.
It was chilly. She shuddered, and returned to the house. He was sitting in front of the low fire.
‘Ugh! Cold!’ she shuddered.
He put the sticks on the fire, and fetched more, till they had a good crackling chimneyful of blaze. The rippling running yellow flame made them both happy, warmed their faces and their souls.
‘Never mind!’ she said, taking his hand as he sat silent and remote. ‘One does one’s best.’
‘Ay!’ He sighed, with a twist of a smile.
She slipped over to him, and into his arms, as he sat there before the fire.
‘Forget then!’ she whispered. ‘Forget!’
He held her close, in the running warmth of the fire. The flame itself was like a forgetting. And her soft, warm, ripe weight! Slowly his blood turned, and began to ebb back into strength and reckless vigour again.
‘And perhaps the women really wanted to be there and love you properly, only perhaps they couldn’t. Perhaps it wasn’t all their fault,’ she said.
‘I know it. Do you think I don’t know what a broken-backed snake that’s been trodden on I was myself!’
She clung to him suddenly. She had not wanted to start all this again. Yet some perversity had made her.
‘But you’re not now,’ she said. ‘You’re not that now: a broken-backed snake that’s been trodden on.’
‘I don’t know what I am. There’s black days ahead.’
‘No!’ she protested, clinging to him. ‘Why? Why?’
‘There’s black days coming for us all and for everybody,’ he repeated with a prophetic gloom.
‘No! You’re not to say it!’
He was silent. But she could feel the black void of despair inside him. That was the death of all desire, the death of all love: this despair that was like the dark cave inside the men, in which their spirit was lost.
‘And you talk so coldly about sex,’ she said. ‘You talk as if you had only wanted your own pleasure and satisfaction.’
She was protesting nervously against him.
‘Nay!’ he said. ‘I wanted to have my pleasure and satisfaction of a woman, and I never got it: because I could never get my pleasure and satisfaction of her unless she got hers of me at the same time. And it never happened. It takes two.’
‘But you never believed in your women. You don’t even believe really in me,’ she said.
‘I don’t know what believing in a woman means.’
‘That’s it, you see!’
She still was curled on his lap. But his spirit was grey and absent, he was not there for her. And everything she said drove him further.
‘But what do you believe in?’ she insisted.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Nothing, like all the men I’ve ever known,’ she said.
--
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