12.5 Chit kái bô hó, lí bô tòe lâi
Tán i soah, chin kín tō soah, tó leh tiām-tiām, bô-siaⁿ bô-soeh, ū chi̍t-ê kî-koài bô-tín-tāng ê kī-lī, chin hn̄g, hn̄g kah yi kám-kak bē tio̍h, yi ê sim khai-sí háu. Yi ē-tàng kám-kak tio̍h i ná-chhiūⁿ tiâu-chúi teh thè, thè-khui, chhun yi tī hia, ná chi̍t-lia̍p tī hái-thoaⁿ ê chio̍h-thâu. I teh kiu-khì, i ê sim-lêng teh lī-khui yi. I chai-iáⁿ.
M̄-koh chin ê ai-siong, kún-ká tio̍h yi ka-tī ê siang-têng ì-sek kap hoán-èng, yi khai-sí háu. I bô chù-ì tio̍h, sīm-chì kin-pún tō m̄-chai. Háu ê hong-po̍k lú lâi lú tōa, chùn-tāng tio̍h yi, mā chùn-tāng i.
"Ái!" i kóng. "Chit kái bô hó. Lí bô tòe lâi." -- Só͘-í kóng, i chai-iáⁿ! Yi teh chhǹg ê siaⁿ lú lâi lú kek-lia̍t.
"M̄-koh, ū siáⁿ bô tú-hó?" i kóng. "Ū-sî chóng-sī ē án-ne."
"Góa... góa bô hoat-tō͘ ài lí," yi khàu teh kóng, hut-jiân kám-kak sim-chhùi.
"Lír bē-tàng? Hm̄, bô iàu-kín! Bô kui-tēng kóng lír tio̍h ài. Chiàu-si̍t to̍h hó."
I iáu sī tó leh, chhiú khǹg tī yi heng-chêng. M̄-koh yi í-keng kā chhiú kiu tńg-lâi.
I ê ōe bô hoat-tō͘ an-ùi yi. Yi khàu chhut-siaⁿ.
"Nái, Nái!" i kóng. "Ū-sî hó-ūn, ū-sî bái. Chit-kái tú tio̍h bái ê."
Yi khàu kah chin chhi-chhám. "M̄-koh góa boeh ài lí, soah ài bô. Kan-ta ná chiok khióng-pò͘."
I chhiò chi̍t-ê hó-sńg ê kho͘-koe-bīn.
"He bē khióng-pò͘," i kóng, "sui-bóng lír án-ne siūⁿ. Lir m̄-thang jīn-ûi he khióng-pò͘. Mài siūⁿ boeh ài óa. Bē-tàng bián-kióng. Chi̍t tui thô͘-tāu tiāⁿ-tio̍h mā ū pháiⁿ ê. Sūn-lī tiong-kan mā to̍h chiap-siū tōng-tu̍t.
I kā chhiú ùi yi ê heng-chêng gia̍h-khui, bô koh bak tio̍h yi. Taⁿ yi bô hō͘ bak tio̍h, yi tian-tò kám-kak ū chi̍t-chióng boán-chiok. Yi thó-ià i ê khiuⁿ-kháu: lír, óa, án. I nā goān-ì, i ē-sái khiā khí-lâi, khiā hia, tī yi bīn-chêng, liú i he khó-chhiò ê chho͘-mî-pò͘ ê tn̂g-khò͘. Chóng-sī, Michaelis iáu thang chai kiàn-siàu, ē kā sin-khu oa̍t kòe. Chit-ê cha-po͘ siuⁿ-kòe ū chū-sìn, i m̄-chai pa̍t-lâng sī án-chóaⁿ khòaⁿ-khin i, jīn-ûi i bô kàu-ióng.
M̄-koh, tán i thiu-sin, tiām-tiām khiā khí-lâi, boeh lī-khui yi, yi soah kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ lia̍h-tiâu i.
"Mài! Mài khì! M̄-thang lī-khui góa! Mài kap góa kè-kàu! Siâm góa! Kă siâm ân!" yi bông-bo̍k hong-kông sè-siaⁿ kóng, m̄-chai yi sī teh kóng siáⁿ, iōng kî-ī ê le̍k-liōng kā lia̍h ân. He sī yi siūⁿ boeh ùi ka-tī tit-kiù, yi ka-tī lāi-bīn ê hùn-nō͘ kap hoán-khòng. Khó-kiàn hit-ê tī lāi-bīn lia̍h tio̍h yi ka-tī ê hoán-khòng sī gōa-nī kiông ah!
I koh iōng siang-chhiú kā yi lám ân-ân, hut-jiân yi tī i ê heng-chêng piàn sè, sè koh kiau. Bô--khì ah, í-keng bô siáⁿ hoán-khòng, yi khai-sí tī chi̍t-chióng kî-miāu ê pêng-chēng nih iûⁿ khì. Tng yi tī i heng-chêng iûⁿ kah sè koh kiau ê sî, i tùi yi ê chêng-io̍k mā bô-hān khok-tōa, i choân-sin ê hoeh-kńg ná chhiūⁿ hiâⁿ-to̍h iū kek-lia̍t iū un-jiû ê io̍k-hóe, in-ūi lám tio̍h yi, yi ê jiû-nńg, yi kau-hûn ê bí-sek lóng chù-ji̍p i ê hoeh nih. Iōng tòa-tio̍h sûn-chhùi un-jiû chêng-io̍k ê chhiú, hit-chióng ná bê-hûn ê kî-miāu un-chûn, i khin-khin, un-jiû phok yi ē-io ku̍t-liu ê siâ-pho, lo̍h-khì, koh lo̍h-khì, kàu yi nńg-nńg un-loán ê kha-chhng-phé, lú lâi lú chiap-kīn yi siōng su-bi̍t ê só͘-chāi. Yi kám-kak i ná chi̍t-kiû io̍k-hóe, m̄-koh sī un-jiû ê io̍k-hóe, yi kám-kak ka-tī hō͘ che hóe-iām iûⁿ khì. Yi kìm bē-tiâu. Yi kám-kak i ê lān-chiáu iōng bô-siaⁿ kiaⁿ-lâng ê le̍k-liōng kap kian-tēng, khiàu khí-lâi tu̍h tio̍h yi, yi tō khò óa i. Yi ná sí-khì án-ne chùn chi̍t-ē tō tâu-hâng, tō peh khui-khui kì-chāi i. Oh, i nā bô tùi yi un-jiû, he tō chiâⁿ chân-jím, in-ūi yi kui-ê peh khui-khui hō͘ i, bô hông-pī!
Tī he ū-la̍t koh bô-chêng tu̍h-jip yi lāi-té ê sî, yi koh ka-lún-sún, chiâⁿ kî-koài, chiâⁿ khó-phà. Hoān-sè he sī lāi-kiàm tu̍h-ji̍p yi jiû-jiû phah-khui ê sin-khu, án-ne tō ún-sí. Yi hiông-hiông tio̍h-kiaⁿ lia̍h tiâu. M̄-koh lâi ê sī kî-koài, bān-bān ê pêng-sūn chìn-ji̍p, o͘-àm tiong pêng-sūn ê chìn-ji̍p, chi̍t-chióng tōa-la̍t koh goân-sú ê un-chêng, ná-chhiūⁿ tong-chho͘ teh chhòng-chō sè-kài. Yi ê khióng-pò͘ tī sim-nih siau khì, yi káⁿ tī pêng-sūn tiong pàng-khui, yi bô koh lia̍h siáⁿ. Yi káⁿ pàng-khui it-chhè, kā ka-tī kui-ê pàng-khui, tòe he tōa-chúi khì lâu.
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12.5 這改無好, 你無綴來
等伊煞, 真緊 tō 煞, 倒 leh 恬恬, 無聲無說, 有一个奇怪無振動 ê 距離, 真遠, 遠 kah 她感覺袂著, 她 ê 心開始吼. 她會當感覺著伊 ná 像潮水 teh 退, 退開, 賰她 tī 遐, ná 一粒 tī 海灘 ê 石頭. 伊 teh 勼去, 伊 ê 心靈 teh 離開她. 伊知影.
M̄-koh 真 ê 哀傷, 滾絞著她家己 ê 雙重意識 kap 反應, 她開始吼. 伊無注意著, 甚至根本 tō 毋知. 吼 ê 風暴 lú 來 lú 大, 顫動著她, mā 顫動伊.
"Ái!" 伊講. "這改無好. 你無綴來." -- 所以講, 伊知影! 她 teh chhǹg ê 聲 lú 來 lú 激烈.
"M̄-koh, 有啥無拄好?" 伊講. "有時總是會 án-ne."
"我... 我無法度愛你," 她哭 teh 講, 忽然感覺心碎.
"Lír 袂當? Hm̄, 無要緊! 無規定講 lír 著愛. 照實 to̍h 好."
伊猶是倒 leh, 手囥 tī 她胸前. M̄-koh 她已經 kā 手勼轉來.
伊 ê 話無法度安慰她. 她哭出聲.
"Nái, Nái!" 伊講. "有時好運, 有時䆀. 這改拄著䆀 ê."
她哭 kah 真悽慘. "M̄-koh 我欲愛你, 煞愛無. 干焦 ná 足恐怖."
伊笑一个好耍 ê 苦瓜面.
"彼袂恐怖," 伊講, "雖罔 lír án-ne 想. Lir 毋通認為彼恐怖. 莫想欲愛 óa. 袂當勉強. 一堆塗豆定著 mā 有歹 ê. 順利中間 mā to̍h 接受撞突.
伊 kā 手 ùi 她 ê 胸前攑開, 無 koh 沐著她. 今她無予沐著, 她顛倒感覺有一種滿足. 她討厭伊 ê 腔口: lír, óa, án. 伊若願意, 伊會使徛起來, 徛遐, tī 她面前, 鈕伊彼可笑 ê 粗棉布 ê 長褲. 總是, Michaelis 猶 thang 知見笑, 會 kā 身軀越過. 這个查埔 siuⁿ 過有自信, 伊毋知別人是按怎看輕伊, 認為伊無教養.
M̄-koh, 等伊抽身, 恬恬徛起來, 欲離開她, 她煞驚惶掠牢伊.
"莫! 莫去! 毋通離開我! 莫 kap 我計較! 尋我! Kă 尋絚!" 她盲目慌狂細聲講, 毋知她是 teh 講啥, 用奇異 ê 力量 kā 掠絚. 彼是她想欲 ùi 家己得救, 她家己內面 ê 憤怒 kap 反抗. 可見彼个 tī 內面掠著她家己 ê 反抗是 gōa-nī 強 ah!
伊 koh 用雙手 kā 她攬絚絚, 忽然她 tī 伊 ê 胸前變細, 細 koh 嬌. 無去 ah, 已經無啥反抗, 她開始 tī 一種奇妙 ê 平靜 nih 熔去. 當她 tī 伊胸前熔 kah 細 koh 嬌 ê 時, 伊對她 ê 情慾 mā 無限擴大, 伊全身 ê 血管 ná 像燃 to̍h 又激烈又溫柔 ê 慾火, 因為攬著她, 她 ê 柔軟, 她勾魂 ê 美色攏注入伊 ê 血 nih. 用帶著純粹溫柔情慾 ê 手, 彼種 ná 迷魂 ê 奇妙溫存, 伊輕輕, 溫柔撲她下腰滑溜 ê 斜坡, 落去, koh 落去, 到她軟軟溫暖 ê 尻川䫌, lú 來 lú 接近她上私密 ê 所在. 她感覺伊 ná 一球慾火, m̄-koh 是溫柔 ê 慾火, 她感覺家己予這火焰熔去. 她禁袂牢. 她感覺伊 ê lān-chiáu 用無聲驚人 ê力量 kap 堅定, 翹起來揬著她, 她 tō 靠倚伊. 她 ná 死去 án-ne 顫一下 tō 投降, tō peh 開開據在伊. Oh, 伊若無對她溫柔, 彼 tō 誠殘忍, 因為她規个 peh 開開予伊, 無防備!
Tī 彼有力 koh 無情揬入她內底 ê 時, 她 koh ka-lún-sún, 誠奇怪, 誠可怕. 凡勢彼是利劍揬入她柔柔拍開 ê 身軀, án-ne tō 穩死. 她雄雄著驚掠牢. M̄-koh 來 ê 是奇怪, 慢慢 ê 平順進入, 烏暗中平順 ê 進入, 一種大力 koh 原始 ê 溫情, ná 像當初 teh 創造世界. 她 ê 恐怖 tī 心 nih 消去, 她敢 tī 平順中放開, 她無 koh 掠啥. 她敢放開一切, kā 家己規个放開, 綴彼大水去流.
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12.5
And yet when he had finished, soon over, and lay very very still, receding into silence, and a strange motionless distance, far, farther than the horizon of her awareness, her heart began to weep. She could feel him ebbing away, ebbing away, leaving her there like a stone on a shore. He was withdrawing, his spirit was leaving her. He knew.
And in real grief, tormented by her own double consciousness and reaction, she began to weep. He took no notice, or did not even know. The storm of weeping swelled and shook her, and shook him.
‘Ay!’ he said. ‘It was no good that time. You wasn’t there.’ — So he knew! Her sobs became violent.
‘But what’s amiss?’ he said. ‘It’s once in a while that way.’
‘I . . . I can’t love you,’ she sobbed, suddenly feeling her heart breaking.
‘Canna ter? Well, dunna fret! There’s no law says as tha’s got to. Ta’e it for what it is.’
He still lay with his hand on her breast. But she had drawn both her hands from him.
His words were small comfort. She sobbed aloud.
‘Nay, nay!’ he said. ‘Ta’e the thick wi’ th’ thin. This wor a bit o’ thin for once.’
She wept bitterly, sobbing. ‘But I want to love you, and I can’t. It only seems horrid.’
He laughed a little, half bitter, half amused.
‘It isna horrid,’ he said, ‘even if tha thinks it is. An’ tha canna ma’e it horrid. Dunna fret thysen about lovin’ me. Tha’lt niver force thysen to ‘t. There’s sure to be a bad nut in a basketful. Tha mun ta’e th’ rough wi’ th’ smooth.’
He took his hand away from her breast, not touching her. And now she was untouched she took an almost perverse satisfaction in it. She hated the dialect: the thee and the tha and the thysen. He could get up if he liked, and stand there, above her, buttoning down those absurd corduroy breeches, straight in front of her. After all, Michaelis had had the decency to turn away. This man was so assured in himself he didn’t know what a clown other people found him, a half-bred fellow.
Yet, as he was drawing away, to rise silently and leave her, she clung to him in terror.
‘Don’t! Don’t go! Don’t leave me! Don’t be cross with me! Hold me! Hold me fast!’ she whispered in blind frenzy, not even knowing what she said, and clinging to him with uncanny force. It was from herself she wanted to be saved, from her own inward anger and resistance. Yet how powerful was that inward resistance that possessed her!
He took her in his arms again and drew her to him, and suddenly she became small in his arms, small and nestling. It was gone, the resistance was gone, and she began to melt in a marvellous peace. And as she melted small and wonderful in his arms, she became infinitely desirable to him, all his blood-vessels seemed to scald with intense yet tender desire, for her, for her softness, for the penetrating beauty of her in his arms, passing into his blood. And softly, with that marvellous swoon-like caress of his hand in pure soft desire, softly he stroked the silky slope of her loins, down, down between her soft warm buttocks, coming nearer and nearer to the very quick of her. And she felt him like a flame of desire, yet tender, and she felt herself melting in the flame. She let herself go. She felt his penis risen against her with silent amazing force and assertion and she let herself go to him She yielded with a quiver that was like death, she went all open to him. And oh, if he were not tender to her now, how cruel, for she was all open to him and helpless!
She quivered again at the potent inexorable entry inside her, so strange and terrible. It might come with the thrust of a sword in her softly-opened body, and that would be death. She clung in a sudden anguish of terror. But it came with a strange slow thrust of peace, the dark thrust of peace and a ponderous, primordial tenderness, such as made the world in the beginning. And her terror subsided in her breast, her breast dared to be gone in peace, she held nothing. She dared to let go everything, all herself and be gone in the flood.
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