11.11 Chhim-ài ê sio-bak pak bē khui
"Oh, bô! M̄-bat! I chiông-lâi bē kóng i thó-ià siáⁿ. I kan-ta ē kek chi̍t-ê koài-bīn. I sī hit-chióng bô teh koan-sim ê lâng: tō ná hiah-ê tē-it phe hoaⁿ-hí chiūⁿ chiàn-tiûⁿ sûi chiàn-sí ê siàu-liân-ke. I m̄-sī thâu-náu bô chheng-chhó. I chí-sī bô koan-sim. Góa kòe-khì chhiâng-chāi kā i kóng: ‘Lí tùi siáⁿ kap tùi siáng lông bô koan-sim!’ Sū-si̍t m̄-sī án-ne! Góa seⁿ thâu chi̍t the ê sî, seⁿ liáu-āu, i chē hia bô tín-tāng, iōng hit-chiòng chhi-chhám ê ba̍k-sîn khòaⁿ góa! Góa sui-jiân chia̍h-tio̍h khó͘, m̄-koh góa tio̍h an-ùi i. 'Bô tāi-chì ah-lah, siàu-liân-ê, bô tāi-chì ah-lah!' góa án-ne kā kóng. I lia̍h góa khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē, chò chi̍t-ê khó͘-chhiò. I siáⁿ to bô kóng. M̄-koh góa bô siong-sìn, liáu-āu i àm-sî kap góa chò-hóe ū siáⁿ khoài-lo̍k; i lóng pàng bē-khui. Góa bat kā kóng: Oh, pàng khin-sang lah, siàu-liân-ê! -- Ū-sî góa tio̍h kā kóng kah chia̍h chho͘. I siáⁿ to bô kóng. M̄-koh i iáu sī pàng bē-khui, a̍h-sī bô hoat-tō͘ pàng. I bô-ài góa koh seⁿ gín-á. Góa chóng-sī koài in lāu-bú, hō͘ i ji̍p sán-pâng. I bē sái ji̍p-lâi sán-pâng. Cha-po͘ nā khai-sí su-khó, in tō kā tāi-chì bú kah chiâⁿ tōa."
"I hiah-nī kòa-ì?" Connie kóng, kám-kak sim-sek.
"Sī ah, i bô jīn-ûi hit-lō thòng-khó͘ sī chū-jiân ê. He tō kā ang-bó͘ sio-ài ê khoài-lo̍k lóng chau-that tiāu ah-lah. Góa kā kóng: Góa bô iàu-kín, lí sī teh iàu-kín siáⁿ? He sī góa ê tāi-chì neh! -- M̄-koh i kan-ta kóng: Án-ne m̄-tio̍h!"
"Hoān-sè i sī siuⁿ bín-kám," Connie kóng.
"Tio̍h! Lí nā bat cha-po͘-lâng, in tō-sī án-ne: bín-kám tī m̄-tio̍h ê só͘-chāi. Góa siong-sìn, i ka-tī mā m̄-chai, i thó-ià thòaⁿ-khang, thó-ià kah. I sí ê sî chiâⁿ an-siông, ká-ná i tit-tio̍h chū-iû ah. Chāi-seⁿ i sī chi̍t-ê iân-tâu-á sàng. Khòaⁿ tio̍h i hiah an-cheng, sûn-kiat, ká-ná i ǹg-bāng boeh sí, góa sī gōa-nī-á siong-sim. Oh, góa ê sim lóng chhùi khì, chin ê. Chóng-kóng tō-sī thòaⁿ-khang lah."
Yi lak kúi-nā tih ba̍k-sái, Connie khàu kah pí yi koh-khah chē. He sī un-loán ê chhun-thiⁿ, ū thô͘ kap n̂g-hoe ê phang-bī, chin chē mi̍h-kiāⁿ lóng teh kiat-m̂, hoe-hn̂g chēng-chēng chhiong-móa tio̍h ji̍t-kng.
"He it-tēng hō͘ lí chin kan-khó͘!" Connie kóng.
"Oh, Hu-jîn! Tú khai-sí góa bô liáu-kái. Góa kan-ta kóng: Oh, ang ah, lí ná ē boeh lī-khui góa! ... Góa kan-ta khàu che. M̄-koh, góa chóng-sī jīn-ûi, i ē koh tńg-lâi."
"M̄-koh, i pēng bô-ài lī-khui lí." Connie kóng.
"Sī ah, Hu-jîn! He chí-sī góa ê gōng khàu. Góa kè-sio̍k kî-thāi i tńg-lâi, iû-kî sī àm-sî. Góa it-ti̍t bô khùn, teh siūⁿ: I ná ē bô lâi bîn-chhn̂g pôe góa! ... He tō ná, góa ê kám-kak m̄-ài siong-sìn i í-keng sí ah. Góa chí-sī kám-kak, i ē tńg-lâi, tó tī góa sin-piⁿ, hō͘ góa iōng sin-khu kám-kak tio̍h i. Góa só͘ su-iàu ê kan-ta sī án-ne, sī boeh kám-kak i tī góa sin-piⁿ, kám-kak un-loán. M̄-chai kúi chheng kái ê sit-bōng, kòe kúi-nā nî, góa chiah chai, i bē koh tńg-lâi ah-lah."
"Kap i ê sio-bak," Connie kóng.
"Tio̍h, Hu-jîn, kap i ê sio-bak! Kàu taⁿ, góa iáu pàng bē-khui, éng-oán to pàng bē-khui. Nā ū thian-tn̂g, i ē tī hia, i ē lâi tó tī góa sin-piⁿ, hō͘ góa hó-khùn."
Connie khòaⁿ yi he súi-súi, chhim-su ê bīn, kám-kak tio̍h-kiaⁿ. Iū-koh chi̍t-ê Tevershall ê to-chêng lâng! Kap i ê sio-bak! Ài-chêng ê kiat-ha̍p sī pak bē-khui ê!
"It-tàn lí chhim-chhim ài chi̍t-ê lâng, he sī chin khó-phà ê!" yi kóng.
"Oh, Hu-jîn! Tō-sī án-ne chiah ē hiah-nī thòng-khó͘. Lí kám-kak lâng-lâng hāi i khì sí. Lí kám-kak sī thòaⁿ-khang hāi sí i. Oh, góa kám-kak, nā sī bô thòaⁿ-khang, nā bô lâng keng-êng thòaⁿ-khang, i tō choa̍t-tùi bē lī-khui góa. M̄-koh, lâng-lâng lóng boeh thiah-sòaⁿ chhim-chhim siong-ài ê cha-po͘ kap cha-bó͘."
"Bah-thé sio-bak ê ài-jîn," Connie kóng.
"Tio̍h, Hu-jîn! Sè-kài siōng ū chin chē sim-koaⁿ ngē ê lâng. Ta̍k chá-khí i nā khì thòaⁿ-khang, góa lóng kám-kak bē hó-sè, bē an-sim. M̄-koh, boeh án-chóaⁿ hó? Chi̍t-ê sàn-chhiah lâng ū siáⁿ hoat-tō͘?"
Hit-ê cha-bó͘ ū chi̍t-pak kî-koài ê hūn-hóe.
"M̄-koh, kap i ê sio-bak ē tòng hiah kú?" Connie hut-jiân mn̄g. "Lí ē-tàng kám-kak i hiah kú?"
"Oh, Hu-jîn, Kî-thaⁿ iáu ū siáⁿ ē kú-tn̂g? Gín-á tōa-hàn, lī-khui lí. M̄-koh, cha-po͘-lâng, ai-ah! Sīm-chì án-ne, in mā siūⁿ boeh thâi-tiāu lí hām i chiap-chhiok ê kì-tî. Sīm-chì lí ka-tī ê gín-á! Ah, ai-ah! Lán ū khó-lêng hun-sòaⁿ, siáng chai neh. M̄-koh, kám-kak sī bô kāng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Chòe-hó sī mài koh koan-sim he. M̄-koh, lí khòaⁿ, góa nā khòaⁿ tio̍h m̄-bat hō͘ cha-po͘ chin-chiàⁿ un-loán kòe ê cha-bó͘, hm̄, góa kám-kak yin sī khó-liân ê lâng, m̄-koán yin chhēng gōa súi, gōa hong-so. M̄-koh, góa ū ka-tī ê chú-tiuⁿ. Góa bô pit-iàu khì chhap pa̍t-lâng."
--
11.11 深愛 ê 相沐剝袂開
"Oh, 無! M̄-bat! 伊從來袂講伊討厭啥. 伊干焦會激一个怪面. 伊是彼種無 teh 關心 ê 人: tō ná hiah-ê 第一批歡喜上戰場隨戰死 ê 少年家. 伊毋是頭腦無清楚. 伊只是無關心. 我過去常在 kā 伊講: ‘你對啥 kap 對 siáng 攏無關心!’ 事實毋是 án-ne! 我生頭一胎 ê 時, 生了後, 伊坐遐無振動, 用彼種悽慘 ê 目神看我! 我雖然食著苦, m̄-koh 我著安慰伊. '無代誌 ah-lah, 少年 ê, 無代誌 ah-lah!' 我 án-ne kā 講. 伊掠我看一下, 做一个苦笑. 伊啥都無講. M̄-koh 我無相信, 了後伊暗時 kap 我做伙有啥快樂; 伊攏放袂開. 我 bat kā 講: Oh, 放輕鬆 lah, 少年 ê! -- 有時我著 kā 講 kah chiah 粗. 伊啥都無講. M̄-koh 伊猶是放袂開, 抑是無法度放. 伊無愛我 koh 生囡仔. 我總是怪 in 老母, 予伊入產房. 伊袂使入來產房. 查埔若開始思考, in tō kā 代誌舞 kah 誠大."
"伊 hiah-nī 掛意?" Connie 講, 感覺心適.
"是 ah, 伊無認為 hit-lō 痛苦是自然 ê. 彼 tō kā 翁某相愛 ê 快樂攏蹧躂掉 ah-lah. 我 kā 講: 我無要緊, 你是 teh 要緊啥? 彼是我 ê 代誌 neh! -- M̄-koh 伊干焦講: Án-ne 毋著!"
"凡勢伊是 siuⁿ 敏感," Connie 講.
"著! 你若 bat 查埔人, in tō 是 án-ne: 敏感 tī 毋著 ê 所在. 我相信, 伊家己 mā 毋知, 伊討厭炭空, 討厭 kah. 伊死 ê 時誠安祥, ká-ná 伊得著自由 ah. 在生伊是一个緣投仔 sàng. 看著伊 hiah 安靜, 純潔, ká-ná 伊 ǹg 望欲死, 我是 gōa-nī 仔傷心. Oh, 我 ê 心攏碎去, 真 ê. 總講 tō 是炭空 lah."
她 lak 幾若滴目屎, Connie 哭 kah 比她 koh 較濟. 彼是溫暖 ê 春天, 有塗 kap 黃花 ê 芳味, 真濟物件攏 teh 結莓, 花園靜靜充滿著日光.
"彼一定予你真艱苦!" Connie 講.
"Oh, 夫人! 拄開始我無了解. 我干焦講: Oh, 翁 ah, 你那會欲離開我! ... 我干焦哭這. M̄-koh, 我總是認為, 伊會 koh 轉來."
"M̄-koh, 伊並無愛離開你." Connie 講.
"是 ah, 夫人! 彼只是我 ê 戇哭. 我繼續期待伊轉來, 尤其是暗時. 我一直無睏, teh 想: 伊那會無來眠床陪我! ... 彼 tō ná, 我 ê 感覺毋愛相信伊已經死 ah. 我只是感覺, 伊會轉來, 倒 tī 我身邊, 予我用身軀感覺著伊. 我所需要 ê 干焦是 án-ne, 是欲感覺伊 tī 我身邊, 感覺溫暖. 毋知幾千改 ê 失望, 過幾若年, 我才知, 伊袂 koh 轉來 ah-lah."
"Kap 伊 ê 相沐," Connie 講.
"著, 夫人, kap 伊 ê 相沐! 到今, 我猶放袂開, 永遠都放袂開. 若有天堂, 伊會 tī 遐, 伊會來倒 tī 我身邊, 予我好睏."
Connie 看她彼媠媠, 深思 ê 面, 感覺著驚. 又 koh 一个 Tevershall ê 多情人! Kap 伊 ê 相沐! 愛情 ê 結合是剝袂開 ê!
"一旦你深深愛一个人, 彼是真可怕 ê!" 她講.
"Oh, 夫人! Tō 是 án-ne 才會 hiah-nī 痛苦. 你感覺人人害伊去死. 你感覺是炭空害死伊. Oh, 我感覺, 若是無炭空, 若無人經營炭空, 伊 tō 絕對袂離開我. M̄-koh, 人人攏欲拆散深深相愛 ê 查埔 kap 查某."
"肉體相沐 ê 愛人," Connie 講.
"著, 夫人! 世界上有真濟心肝硬 ê 人. 逐早起伊若去炭空, 我攏感覺袂好勢, 袂安心. M̄-koh, 欲按怎好? 一个散赤人有啥法度?"
彼个查某有一腹奇怪 ê 恨火.
"M̄-koh, kap 伊 ê 相沐會擋 hiah 久?" Connie 忽然問. "你 ē-tàng 感覺伊 hiah 久?"
"Oh, 夫人, 其他猶有啥會久長? 囡仔大漢, 離開你. M̄-koh, 查埔人, ai-ah! 甚至 án-ne, in mā 想欲刣掉你和伊接觸 ê 記持. 甚至你家己 ê 囡仔! Ah, ai-ah! 咱有可能分散, siáng 知 neh. M̄-koh, 感覺是無仝 ê 物件. 最好是莫 koh 關心彼. M̄-koh, 你看, 我若看著 m̄-bat 予查埔真正溫暖過 ê 查某, hm̄, 我感覺姻是可憐 ê 人, 毋管姻穿偌媠, 偌風騷. M̄-koh, 我有家己 ê 主張. 我無必要去 chhap 別人."
--
11.11
’Oh no! Never! He never said he hated anything. He just made a funny face. He was one of those who wouldn’t take care: like some of the first lads as went off so blithe to the war and got killed right away. He wasn’t really wezzle-brained. But he wouldn’t care. I used to say to him: ‘’You care for nought nor nobody!’’ But he did! The way he sat when my first baby was born, motionless, and the sort of fatal eyes he looked at me with, when it was over! I had a bad time, but I had to comfort HIM. ‘’It’s all right, lad, it’s all right!’’ I said to him. And he gave me a look, and that funny sort of smile. He never said anything. But I don’t believe he had any right pleasure with me at nights after; he’d never really let himself go. I used to say to him: Oh, let thysen go, lad! —I’d talk broad to him sometimes. And he said nothing. But he wouldn’t let himself go, or he couldn’t. He didn’t want me to have any more children. I always blamed his mother, for letting him in th’ room. He’d no right t’ave been there. Men makes so much more of things than they should, once they start brooding.’
’Did he mind so much?’ said Connie in wonder.
’Yes, he sort of couldn’t take it for natural, all that pain. And it spoilt his pleasure in his bit of married love. I said to him: If I don’t care, why should you? It’s my look-out! —But all he’d ever say was: It’s not right!’
’Perhaps he was too sensitive,’ said Connie.
’That’s it! When you come to know men, that’s how they are: too sensitive in the wrong place. And I believe, unbeknown to himself he hated the pit, just hated it. He looked so quiet when he was dead, as if he’d got free. He was such a nice-looking lad. It just broke my heart to see him, so still and pure looking, as if he’d WANTED to die. Oh, it broke my heart, that did. But it was the pit.’
She wept a few bitter tears, and Connie wept more. It was a warm spring day, with a perfume of earth and of yellow flowers, many things rising to bud, and the garden still with the very sap of sunshine.
’It must have been terrible for you!’ said Connie.
’Oh, my Lady! I never realized at first. I could only say: Oh my lad, what did you want to leave me for! —That was all my cry. But somehow I felt he’d come back.’
’But he DIDN’T want to leave you,’ said Connie.
’Oh no, my Lady! That was only my silly cry. And I kept expecting him back. Especially at nights. I kept waking up thinking: Why he’s not in bed with me! —It was as if MY FEELINGS wouldn’t believe he’d gone. I just felt he’d HAVE to come back and lie against me, so I could feel him with me. That was all I wanted, to feel him there with me, warm. And it took me a thousand shocks before I knew he wouldn’t come back, it took me years.’
’The touch of him,’ said Connie.
’That’s it, my Lady, the touch of him! I’ve never got over it to this day, and never shall. And if there’s a heaven above, he’ll be there, and will lie up against me so I can sleep.’
Connie glanced at the handsome, brooding face in fear. Another passionate one out of Tevershall! The touch of him! For the bonds of love are ill to loose!
’It’s terrible, once you’ve got a man into your blood!’ she said.
‘Oh, my Lady! And that’s what makes you feel so bitter. You feel folks WANTED him killed. You feel the pit fair WANTED to kill him. Oh, I felt, if it hadn’t been for the pit, an’ them as runs the pit, there’d have been no leaving me. But they all WANT to separate a woman and a man, if they’re together.’
’If they’re physically together,’ said Connie.
’That’s right, my Lady! There’s a lot of hard-hearted folks in the world. And every morning when he got up and went to th’ pit, I felt it was wrong, wrong. But what else could he do? What can a man do?’
A queer hate flared in the woman.
’But can a touch last so long?’ Connie asked suddenly. ‘That you could feel him so long?’
’Oh my Lady, what else is there to last? Children grows away from you. But the man, well! But even THAT they’d like to kill in you, the very thought of the touch of him. Even your own children! Ah well! We might have drifted apart, who knows. But the feeling’s something different. It’s ‘appen better never to care. But there, when I look at women who’s never really been warmed through by a man, well, they seem to me poor doolowls after all, no matter how they may dress up and gad. No, I’ll abide by my own. I’ve not much respect for people.’
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