12.3 Lí chhōe góa, sī boeh seⁿ chi̍t-ê gín-á?
Chit-má, i chèng-keng jīn-chin khòaⁿ yi, ná boeh chhōe tap-àn.
"Chin ê?" lo̍h-bóe i kóng. "I án-chóaⁿ kóng?"
"Oh, i bô koan-sim. Chí-iàu gín-á ká-ná sī i ê, i tō ē hoaⁿ-hí, chin ê." Yi m̄-káⁿ chiàⁿ-bīn khòaⁿ i.
I tiām-tiām chi̍t tōa khùn, chiah koh lia̍h yi ê bīn kim-kim khòaⁿ.
"Bô kóng tio̍h góa lah, hoⁿh?" i kóng.
"Bô. Bô kóng tio̍h lí," yi kóng.
"Bē lah, i choa̍t-tùi thun bē-lo̍h iōng góa lâi chiap-chéng. Án-ne, lí boeh ùi tó-ūi khì tit-tio̍h gín-á?"
"Góa hoān-sè ē tī Venice ū chêng-jîn," yi kóng.
"Hoān-sè," i bān-bān hôe-tap. "Sī án-ne, lí chiah boeh khì hia?"
"M̄-sī ūi-tio̍h ū chêng-jîn," yi gia̍h-ba̍k khòaⁿ i, piān-pok kóng.
"Chí-sī chò chi̍t-ê khoán," i kóng.
Chi̍t-khùn tiām-tiām. I chē leh, ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ thang-gōa, chhùi gi-gi, bīn pòaⁿ-gê pòaⁿ-khó͘. Yi thó-ià i chhùi gi-gi.
"Lí bô sū-sian chò ī-hông ū-gín-á ê tāi-chì?" i hut-jiân mn̄g yi. "In-ūi góa bô."
"Bô," yi sè-siaⁿ kóng. "Góa thó-ià he."
I khòaⁿ yi, sûi tō koh chhùi gi-gi khòaⁿ thang-gōa. Nn̄g-lâng tiām-tiām, sim-chêng tāng-tāng.
Lo̍h-bóe i oa̍t-thâu, tò-khau kóng:
"Tō-sī án-ne, lí chiah chhōe góa, sī boeh seⁿ chi̍t-ê gín-á?"
Yi thâu lê loeh.
"M̄-sī. Sū-si̍t m̄-sī án-ne," yi kóng.
"Bô, sū-si̍t sī siáⁿ?" i m̄ pàng yi soah.
Yi gia̍h-ba̍k, ai-oàn khòaⁿ i, kóng: "Góa m̄-chai."
I tōa-siaⁿ chhiò chhut-lâi.
"Lí m̄-chai, góa koh-khah m̄-chai," i kóng.
Tiām-tiām chi̍t-tōaⁿ sî-kan, tiām kah ē léng.
"Hm̄," lo̍h-bóe i kóng. "Sûi Hu-jîn ê ì lah. Lí nā ū gín-á, hoan-gêng Clifford Sià chiap-siū i. Tùi góa pēng bô siáⁿ sun-sit. Góa tian-tò thàn-tio̍h sóng-khoài, chin-chiàⁿ ê sóng-khoài!" -- i chhun-ûn, ná peh chi̍t-ê ah bô-lo̍h ê hah. "Jû-kó lí lī-iōng góa," i kóng, "che m̄-sī góa tē-it kái hông lī-iōng; m̄-koh chit-kái sī chū-lâi siōng sóng-khoài ê chi̍t-kái; sui-bóng che m̄-sī siáⁿ-mih hō͘ lâng kám-kak ū chun-giâm ê tāi-chì." -- I koh chhun-ûn, chin kî-koài, i ê kin-bah teh chùn, i ê ē-hâi kā ân-ân.
"M̄-koh, góa bô lī-iōng lí," yi piān-pok kóng.
"Góa sûi-sî ho̍k-bū Hu-jîn," i ìn.
"Bô," yi kóng. "Góa kah-ì lí ê bah-thé."
"Sī oh?" i ìn, tō chhiò chhut-lâi. "Hó lah, án-ne án tú-khí ah, in-ūi góa mā kah-ì lí ê."
I iōng kî-ī im-àm ê ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ yi.
"Chit-má án chiūⁿ-lâu khì hó bô?" i mn̄g yi, siaⁿ-im ná-chhiūⁿ phah-kat.
"M̄-hó, mài tī chia, mài chit-má!" yi tāng-siaⁿ kóng, m̄-koh, jû-kó i sió-khóa kian-chhî, yi tō ē khì, in-ūi yi bô khùi-la̍t té-khòng i.
I koh kā bīn oa̍t-khui, ká-ná kā yi pàng bē-kì.
"Góa boeh chhiūⁿ lí bong góa án-ne bong lí," yi kóng. "Góa iáu-bōe chin-chiàⁿ bong tio̍h lí ê sin-khu."
I khòaⁿ yi, koh teh chhiò. "Chit-má?" i kóng.
"M̄-sī! m̄-sī! Mài tī chia! Tī liâu-á hia. Ē-sái bô?"
"Góa án-chóaⁿ bong lí?" i mn̄g.
"Lí so góa ê sî."
I khòaⁿ yi, tú tio̍h yi he tîm-tāng, kín-tiuⁿ ê ba̍k-chiu.
"Góa so lí ê sî, lí hoaⁿ-hí bô?" i mn̄g, iáu-sī it-ti̍t tùi yi chhiò.
"Sī ah, lí neh?" yi kóng.
"Oh, góa!" I kái-piàn chi̍t-ê siaⁿ-tiāu. "Sī ah," i kóng. "Bián mn̄g lí mā chai." Che sī sū-si̍t.
Yi khiā khí-lâi, the̍h yi ê bō-á. "Góa tio̍h lâi-khì ah," yi kóng.
"Lí boeh cháu ah?" i ìn-siaⁿ chhiáⁿ-mn̄g.
Yi sim-nih ài i kā bong, kā kóng kóa ōe, m̄-koh, i siáⁿ to bô kóng, kan-ta su-su bûn-bûn teh tán.
"To-siā lí ê tê," yi kóng.
"Góa chiah tio̍h to-siā Hu-jîn thè góa phàu-tê; góa chiâⁿ êng-hēng," i kóng.
Yi iân-lō͘ ti̍t kiâⁿ, iah i khiā tī mn̂g-kháu, chhùi gi-gi. Flossie boe-liu gia̍h-koân cháu kòe-lâi. Connie tio̍h tiām-tiām kiâⁿ kòe chhiū-nâ, chai-iáⁿ i iáu khiā tī hia teh khòaⁿ yi, bīn-siōng lō͘-chhut hit-chióng put-kái ê gi-gi-chhiò.
Yi sim-chêng ut-chut, hoân-būn, kiâⁿ tńg kàu chhù. Yi chiok chheh i kóng, i hông lī-iōng, in-ūi tī bó͘-chióng hong-bīn lâi kóng, che sī sū-si̍t. M̄-koh i bô eng-kai kóng chhut-lâi. Só͘-tì, yi koh chi̍t-kái bīn-tùi nn̄g-chióng kám-chêng: oàn-chheh i, a̍h-sī kap i hô-hó ê io̍k-bōng.
--
12.3 你揣我, 是欲生一个囡仔?
這馬, 伊正經認真看她, ná 欲揣答案.
"真 ê?" 落尾伊講. "伊按怎講?"
"Oh, 伊無關心. 只要囡仔 ká-ná 是伊 ê, 伊 tō 會歡喜, 真 ê." 她毋敢正面看伊.
伊恬恬一大睏, 才 koh 掠她 ê 面金金看.
"無講著我 lah, hoⁿh?" 伊講.
"無. 無講著你," 她講.
"袂 lah, 伊絕對吞袂落用我來接種. Án-ne, 你欲 ùi 佗位去得著囡仔?"
"我凡勢會 tī Venice 有情人," 她講.
"凡勢," 伊慢慢回答. "是 án-ne, 你才欲去遐?"
"毋是為著有情人," 她攑目看伊, 辯駁講.
"只是做一个款," 伊講.
一睏恬恬. 伊坐 leh, 目睭看窗外, 喙 gi-gi, 面半牙半苦. 她討厭伊喙 gi-gi.
"你無事先做預防有囡仔 ê 代誌?" 伊忽然問她. "因為我無."
"無," 她細聲講. "我討厭彼."
伊看她, 隨 tō koh 喙 gi-gi 看窗外. 兩人恬恬, 心情重重.
落尾伊越頭, 倒剾講:
"Tō 是 án-ne, 你才揣我, 是欲生一个囡仔?"
她頭犁 loeh.
"毋是. 事實毋是 án-ne," 她講.
"無, 事實是啥?" 伊毋放她煞.
她攑目, 哀怨看伊, 講: "我毋知."
伊大聲笑出來.
"你毋知, 我 koh 較毋知," 伊講.
恬恬一段時間, 恬 kah 會冷.
"Hm̄," 落尾伊講. "隨夫人 ê 意 lah. 你若有囡仔, 歡迎 Clifford Sià 接受伊. 對我並無啥損失. 我顛倒趁著爽快, 真正 ê 爽快!" -- 伊伸勻, ná peh 一个壓無落 ê hah. "如果你利用我," 伊講, "這毋是我第一改 hông 利用; m̄-koh 這改是自來上爽快 ê 一改; 雖罔這毋是啥物予人感覺有尊嚴 ê 代誌." -- 伊 koh 伸勻, 真奇怪, 伊 ê 筋肉 teh 顫, 伊 ê 下頦咬絚絚.
"M̄-koh, 我無利用你," 她辯駁講.
"我隨時服務夫人," 伊應.
"無," 她講. "我佮意你 ê 肉體."
"是 oh?" 伊應, tō 笑出來. "好 lah, án-ne án 拄起 ah, 因為我 mā 佮意你 ê."
伊用奇異陰暗 ê 目睭看她.
"這馬 án 上樓去好無?" 伊問她, 聲音 ná 像拍結.
"毋好, 莫 tī 遮, 莫這馬!" 她重聲講, m̄-koh, 如果伊小可堅持, 她 tō 會去, 因為她無氣力抵抗伊.
伊 koh kā 面越開, ká-ná kā 她放袂記.
"我欲像你摸我 án-ne 摸你," 她講. "我猶未真正摸著你 ê 身軀."
伊看她, koh teh 笑. "這馬?" 伊講.
"毋是! 毋是! 莫 tī 遮! Tī 寮仔遐. 會使無?"
"我按怎摸你?" 伊問.
"你挲我 ê 時."
伊看她, 拄著她彼沉重, 緊張 ê 目睭.
"我挲你 ê 時, 你歡喜無?" 伊問, 猶是一直對她笑.
"是 ah, 你 neh?" 她講.
"Oh, 我!" 伊改變一个聲調. "是 ah," 伊講. "免問你 mā 知." 這是事實.
她徛起來, 提她 ê 帽仔. "我著來去 ah," 她講.
"你欲走 ah?" 伊應聲請問.
她心 nih 愛伊 kā 摸, kā 講寡話, m̄-koh, 伊啥都無講, 干焦斯斯文文 teh 等.
"多謝你 ê 茶," 她講.
"我才著多謝夫人替我泡茶; 我誠榮幸," 伊講.
她沿路直行, iah 伊徛 tī 門口, 喙 gi-gi. Flossie 尾溜攑懸走過來. Connie 著恬恬行過樹林, 知影伊猶徛 tī 遐 teh 看她, 面上露出彼種不解 ê gi-gi 笑.
她心情鬱卒, 煩悶, 行轉到厝. 她足慼伊講, 伊 hông 利用, 因為 tī 某種方面來講, 這是事實. M̄-koh 伊無應該講出來. 所致, 她 koh 一改面對兩種感情: 怨慼伊, 抑是 kap 伊和好 ê 慾望.
--
12.3
Now he really looked at her, intense and searching.
‘You did?’ he said at last. ‘And what did he say?’
‘Oh, he wouldn’t mind. He’d be glad, really, so long as it seemed to be his.’ She dared not look up at him.
He was silent a long time, then he gazed again on her face.
‘No mention of me, of course?’ he said.
‘No. No mention of you,’ she said.
‘No, he’d hardly swallow me as a substitute breeder. Then where are you supposed to be getting the child?’
‘I might have a love-affair in Venice,’ she said.
‘You might,’ he replied slowly. ‘So that’s why you’re going?’
‘Not to have the love-affair,’ she said, looking up at him, pleading.
‘Just the appearance of one,’ he said.
There was silence. He sat staring out the window, with a faint grin, half mockery, half bitterness, on his face. She hated his grin.
‘You’ve not taken any precautions against having a child then?’ he asked her suddenly. ‘Because I haven’t.’
‘No,’ she said faintly. ‘I should hate that.’
He looked at her, then again with the peculiar subtle grin out of the window. There was a tense silence.
At last he turned his head and said satirically:
‘That was why you wanted me, then, to get a child?’
She hung her head.
‘No. Not really,’ she said.
‘What then, really?’ he asked rather bitingly.
She looked up at him reproachfully, saying: ‘I don’t know.’
He broke into a laugh.
‘Then I’m damned if I do,’ he said.
There was a long pause of silence, a cold silence.
‘Well,’ he said at last. ‘It’s as your Ladyship likes. If you get the baby, Sir Clifford’s welcome to it. I shan’t have lost anything. On the contrary, I’ve had a very nice experience, very nice indeed!’ — and he stretched in a half-suppressed sort of yawn. ‘If you’ve made use of me,’ he said, ‘it’s not the first time I’ve been made use of; and I don’t suppose it’s ever been as pleasant as this time; though of course one can’t feel tremendously dignified about it.’ — He stretched again, curiously, his muscles quivering, and his jaw oddly set.
‘But I didn’t make use of you,’ she said, pleading.
‘At your Ladyship’s service,’ he replied.
‘No,’ she said. ‘I liked your body.’
‘Did you?’ he replied, and he laughed. ‘Well, then, we’re quits, because I liked yours.’
He looked at her with queer darkened eyes.
‘Would you like to go upstairs now?’ he asked her, in a strangled sort of voice.
‘No, not here. Not now!’ she said heavily, though if he had used any power over her, she would have gone, for she had no strength against him.
He turned his face away again, and seemed to forget her.
‘I want to touch you like you touch me,’ she said. ‘I’ve never really touched your body.’
He looked at her, and smiled again. ‘Now?’ he said.
‘No! No! Not here! At the hut. Would you mind?’
‘How do I touch you?’ he asked.
‘When you feel me.’
He looked at her, and met her heavy, anxious eyes.
‘And do you like it when I feel you?’ he asked, laughing at her still.
‘Yes, do you?’ she said.
‘Oh, me!’ Then he changed his tone. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘You know without asking.’ Which was true.
She rose and picked up her hat. ‘I must go,’ she said.
‘Will you go?’ he replied politely.
She wanted him to touch her, to say something to her, but he said nothing, only waited politely.
‘Thank you for the tea,’ she said.
‘I haven’t thanked your Ladyship for doing me the honours of my tea-pot,’ he said.
She went down the path, and he stood in the doorway, faintly grinning. Flossie came running with her tail lifted. And Connie had to plod dumbly across into the wood, knowing he was standing there watching her, with that incomprehensible grin on his face.
She walked home very much downcast and annoyed. She didn’t at all like his saying he had been made use of because, in a sense, it was true. But he oughtn’t to have said it. Therefore, again, she was divided between two feelings: resentment against him, and a desire to make it up with him.
--
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