Nn̄g-lâng tiām chi̍t-khùn. Hóe nih ê siòng-pang í-keng piàn hóe-hu.
"Án-ne khòaⁿ, lí bat tú tio̍h su-iàu lí ê cha-bó͘," Connie kóng, "kòe chi̍t-khùn lí tō bô hi-hán ah."
"Ái! Khòaⁿ sī án-ne! Góa lêng-khó ài yi, mā bô-ài hiah-ê éng-oán-m̄ ê cha-bó͘: hit-ê siàu-liân sî sûn-kiat ê ài-jîn kap lēng-gōa hit-ê ū-to̍k ê soaⁿ-soàn-hoe, a̍h-sī kî-thaⁿ ê."
"Kî-thaⁿ sī siáⁿ?" Connie kóng.
"Kî-thaⁿ? Bô kî-thaⁿ lah. Góa ê keng-giām, cha-bó͘ lóng sī án-ne: yin tōa pō͘-hūn su-iàu cha-po͘, m̄-koh bô su-iàu sèng-ài, yin chí-sī lún-leh chò, tòng-chò sī kau-ōaⁿ ê tiâu-kiāⁿ. Khah lāu-phài ê, kan-ta sī tó tī hia, chāi lí khì pìⁿ. Sū-āu án-chóaⁿ yin mā bô iàu-kín: m̄-koh yin kah-ì lí. Chò-ài hit-hāng tāi-chì, tùi yin bô sǹg siáⁿ, chí-sī bô chu bô bī. Tōa pō͘-hūn ê cha-po͘-lâng mā kah-ì án-ne. Góa thó-ià án-ne. Kan-chà ê cha-bo͘ ē ké-sian yin m̄-sī án-ne. Yin ke-sian chin giàn, koh chin sóng. M̄-koh he lóng sī ké-tak-tak, kan-ta sī piáu-ián. Mā ū chi̍t-kóa ta̍k-hāng ài, ài lâng bong, ài lâng so, ài chhì-kek, ta̍k-hāng lâi, kan-ta bô ài chū-jiân ê hit-chióng. Yin hō͘ lí tī m̄-sī lí eng-kai pàng-chhut ê só͘-chāi hō͘ lí pàng-chhut... Koh ū chi̍t-chióng siōng khùn-lân ê, boeh hō͘ yin sóng, hō͘ yin ka-tī sóng, tō ná-chhiūⁿ tú tio̍h kúi, chhiūⁿ goán bó͘ hit-khoán. Yin boeh chò chú-tōng-chiá... Koh ū chi̍t-chióng, lāi-té kek sí-sí: tō-sī sí-sí: che yin ka-tī mā chai. Koh ū chi̍t-chióng, lí iáu-bōe ‘kàu-tè’ yin tō kā lí put chhut-khì, yin tō kè-sio̍k iōng yin ê ē-io lù lí ê tōa-thúi, it-ti̍t kàu yin hó-sè. M̄-koh chit-chióng tōa pō͘-hūn sī tông-sèng-loân ê cha-bó͘, iā-tō-sī lú-tông-chì (lesbian). Chin sim-sek, m̄-koán ū-ì-sek a̍h bô-ì-sek, cha-bó͘-lâng ke-kiám lóng sī lú-tông-chì. Chāi góa khòaⁿ, yin chha-put-to lóng sī lú-tông-chì.”
"Lí ē koài yin bô?" Connie mn̄g.
"Yin lóng kai-sí. Góa mā tú-tio̍h chi̍t-ê chin-chiàⁿ ê lú-tông-chì, góa ê lêng-hûn ē ai-kiò, siūⁿ boeh kā thâi--sí."
"Lí ē án-chóaⁿ chò?"
"Cháu-khui, lú kín lú hó."
"Lí kám-kak lú-tông-chì pí tông-sèng-loân ê cha-po͘ khah khó-phà?"
"Bô m̄-tio̍h! Yin hō͘ góa khah chia̍h-khó͘. Lán mài kóng siuⁿ lí-lūn. Góa nā tú tio̍h chi̍t-ê lú-tông-chì, put-koán yi ka-tī chai yi sī lú-tông-chì bô, góa tō lia̍h-kông. Mài, mài! Góa bô-ài koh kap cha-bó͘ ū siáⁿ koan-hē. Góa boeh pó-chhî ka-tī: pó-chhî góa ê su-bi̍t kap góa ê ko-sióng."
I bīn pe̍h-pe̍h, ba̍k-thâu kat-kat.
"Tú tio̍h góa, lí ē hoán-hóe bô?" yi mn̄g.
"Góa hoán-hóe, góa mā hoaⁿ-hí."
"Taⁿ, lí kám-kak án-chóaⁿ?"
"Pháiⁿ-sè, góa kiaⁿ gōa-kháu chióng-chióng ê kiù-hun, ok-to̍k, kap chí-chek, che kín-bān chóng-sī ē lâi. Góa nā bô hèng-chhù, góa tō bē giàn. M̄-koh góa nā hèng chhih-chhih, góa tō hoaⁿ-hí. Góa sīm-chì kám-kak sèng-lī. Pún-chiâⁿ góa lú lâi lú khó͘-náu, siūⁿ kóng jîn-seng koh bô chin-chiàⁿ ê sèng-ài ah: bē koh tú-tio̍h ē-tàng kap cha-po͘ chin-chiàⁿ chū-jiân ‘kàu-tè’ ê cha-bó͘; kan-ta o͘-lâng cha-bó͘ ē-tàng, m̄-koh, ai-ah, lán sī pe̍h-lâng, o͘-lâng o͘-mà-mà, ná-chhiūⁿ thô͘-moâi."
"Chit-má, lí hoaⁿ-hí góa bô?" yi mn̄g.
"Sī! Án-ne góa ē-tàng pàng bē-kì kî-thaⁿ ê cha-bó͘. Nā bē-tàng pàng bē-kì, góa tō boeh bih tī toh-á kha sí."
"Sī án-chóaⁿ tī toh-á kha?"
"Án-chóaⁿ?" i chhiò. "Boeh bih khí-lâi, koai gín-á!"
"Khòaⁿ khí-lâi, lí kap cha-bó͘ ê keng-giām chin khó-phà," yi kóng.
"Lí khòaⁿ, góa bē-sái khi-phiàn ka-tī. Tōa pō͘-hūn cha-po͘ phiàn ka-tī. In chhái-chhú chi̍t-chióng thāi-tō͘, chiap-siū khi-phiàn. Góa bô hoat-tō͘ phiàn ka-tī. Góa chai, góa ài cha-bó͘ chhòng-siáⁿ, nā bô tit-tio̍h, góa bô hoat-tō͘ kóng góa ū."
"M̄-koh, taⁿ lí ū tit-tio̍h bô?"
"Khòaⁿ khí-lâi góa ē tit-tio̍h."
"Án-ne, lí ná ē bīn pe̍h koh ut-chut?"
"Kui-pak ê kì-tî: hoān-sè mā sī in-ūi góa kiaⁿ ka-tī."
Yi chēng-chēng chē leh. Lú àm ah.
"Lí jīn-ûi cha-po͘ kap cha-bó͘ ê tāi-chì chin tiōng-iàu?" yi mn̄g i.
"Chāi góa, sī án-ne. Che sī sèⁿ-miā ê tiong-sim: tō sī hām chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ ū sek-tòng ê koan-hē."
"Lí nā bô tit-tio̍h neh?"
"Án-ne tō chí-hó bô."
Yi koh tîm-su chi̍t-ē, chiah koh mn̄g:
"Li kám-kak lí kap cha-bó͘ chih-chiap lóng bô m̄-tio̍h?"
"Thiⁿ ah, m̄-sī án-ne! goán bó͘ sī góa hō͘ yi piàn hit-khoán ê: góa hoān chin chē chhò. Góa sēng yi. Góa bô sìn-jīm yi. Che lí mā siūⁿ ē-kàu. Góa chin khùn-lân chhim-chhim sìn-jīm lâng. Só͘-í, hoān-sè góa mā sī phiàn-tô͘. Góa bô sìn-jīm lâng. M̄-koh góa ê un-jiû sī bô m̄-tio̍h ê."
--
14.5 男女關係是性命 ê 中心
兩人恬一睏. 火 nih ê 相枋已經變火烌.
"Án-ne 看, 你 bat 拄著需要你 ê 查某," Connie 講, "過一睏你 tō 無稀罕 ah."
"Ái! 看是 án-ne! 我寧可愛她, mā 無愛 hiah-ê 永遠毋 ê 查某: 彼个少年時純潔 ê 愛人 kap 另外彼个有毒 ê 山蒜花, 抑是其他 ê."
"其他是啥?" Connie 講.
"其他? 無其他 lah. 我 ê 經驗, 查某攏是 án-ne: 姻大部份需要查埔, m̄-koh 無需要性愛, 姻只是忍 leh 做, 當做是交換 ê 條件. 較老派 ê, 干焦是倒 tī 遐, 在你去 pìⁿ. 事後按怎姻 mā 無要緊: m̄-koh 姻佮意你. 做愛彼項代誌, 對姻無算啥, 只是無滋無味. 大部份 ê 查埔人 mā 佮意 án-ne. 我討厭 án-ne. 奸詐 ê 查某會假仙姻毋是 án-ne. 姻假仙真癮, koh 真爽. M̄-koh 彼攏是假 tak-tak, 干焦是表演. Mā 有一寡逐項愛, 愛 lâng 摸, 愛 lâng 挲, 愛刺激, 逐項來, 干焦無愛自然 ê 彼種. 姻予你 tī 毋是你應該放出 ê 所在予你放出... Koh 有一種上困難 ê, 欲予姻爽, 予姻家己爽, tō ná 像拄著鬼, 像阮某彼款. 姻欲做主動者... Koh 有一種, 內底激死死: tō 是死死: 這姻家己 mā 知. Koh 有一種, 你猶未 '到地' 姻 tō kā 你 put 出去, 姻 tō 繼續用姻 ê下腰 lù 你 ê 大腿, 一直到姻好勢. M̄-koh 這種大部份是同性戀 ê 查某, iā-tō-sī 女同志 (lesbian). 真心適, 毋管有意識抑無意識, 查某人加減攏是女同志. 在我看, 姻差不多攏是女同志.”
"你會怪姻無?" Connie 問.
"姻攏該死. 我 mā 拄著一个真正 ê 女同志, 我 ê 靈魂會哀叫, 想欲 kā 刣死."
"你會按怎做?"
"走開, lú 緊 lú 好."
"你感覺女同志比同性戀 ê 查埔較可怕?"
"無毋著! 姻予我較食苦. 咱莫講 siuⁿ 理論. 我若拄著一个女同志, 不管她家己知她是女同志無, 我 tō 掠狂. 莫, 莫! 我無愛 koh kap 查某有啥關係. 我欲保持家己: 保持我 ê 私密 kap 我 ê 高尚."
伊面白白, 目頭結結.
"拄著我, 你會反悔無?" 她問.
"我反悔, 我 mā 歡喜."
"今, 你感覺按怎?"
"歹勢, 我驚外口種種 ê 糾紛, 惡毒, kap 指責, 這緊慢總是會來. 我若無興趣, 我 tō 袂癮. M̄-koh 我若興 chhih-chhih, 我 tō 歡喜. 我甚至感覺勝利. 本成我 lú 來 lú 苦惱, 想講人生 koh 無真正 ê 性愛 ah: 袂 koh 拄著會當 kap 查埔真正自然 '到地' ê 查某; 干焦烏人查某會當, m̄-koh, ai-ah, 咱是白人, 烏人烏 mà-mà, ná 像塗糜."
"Chit-má, 你歡喜我無?" 她問.
"是! Án-ne 我會當放袂記其他 ê 查某. 若袂當放袂記, 我 tō 欲覕 tī 桌仔跤死."
"是按怎 tī 桌仔跤?"
"按怎?" 伊笑. "欲覕起來, 乖囡仔!"
"看起來, 你 kap 查某 ê 經驗真可怕," 她講.
"你看, 我袂使欺騙家己. 大部份查埔騙家己. In 採取一種態度, 接受欺騙. 我無法度騙家己. 我知, 我愛查某創啥, 若無得著, 我無法度講我有."
"M̄-koh, 今你有得著無?"
"看起來我會得著."
"Án-ne, 你那會面白 koh 鬱卒?"
"規腹 ê 記持: 凡勢 mā 是因為我驚家己."
她靜靜坐 leh. Lú 暗 ah.
"你認為查埔 kap 查某 ê 代誌真重要?" 她問伊.
"在我, 是 án-ne. 這是性命 ê 中心: tō 是和一个查某有適當 ê 關係."
"你若無得著 neh?"
"Án-ne tō 只好無."
她 koh 沈思一下, 才 koh 問:
"你感覺你 kap 查某 chih 接攏無毋著?"
"天 ah, 毋是 án-ne! 阮某是我予她變彼款 ê: 我犯真濟錯. 我 sēng 她. 我無信任她. 這你 mā 想會到. 我真困難深深信任人. 所以, 凡勢我 mā 是騙徒. 我無信任人. M̄-koh 我 ê 溫柔是無毋著 ê."
--
14.5
There was a silence. The pasteboard in the fire had turned to grey ash.
‘So when you did get a woman who wanted you,’ said Connie, ‘you got a bit too much of a good thing.’
‘Ay! Seems so! Yet even then I’d rather have her than the never-never ones: the white love of my youth, and that other poison-smelling lily, and the rest.’
‘What about the rest?’ said Connie.
‘The rest? There is no rest. Only to my experience the mass of women are like this: most of them want a man, but don’t want the sex, but they put up with it, as part of the bargain. The more old-fashioned sort just lie there like nothing and let you go ahead. They don’t mind afterwards: then they like you. But the actual thing itself is nothing to them, a bit distasteful. And most men like it that way. I hate it. But the sly sort of women who are like that pretend they’re not. They pretend they’re passionate and have thrills. But it’s all cockaloopy. They make it up. Then there’s the ones that love everything, every kind of feeling and cuddling and going off, every kind except the natural one. They always make you go off when you’re not in the only place you should be, when you go off. — Then there’s the hard sort, that are the devil to bring off at all, and bring themselves off, like my wife. They want to be the active party. — Then there’s the sort that’s just dead inside: but dead: and they know it. Then there’s the sort that puts you out before you really “come”, and go on writhing their loins till they bring themselves off against your thighs. But they’re mostly the Lesbian sort. It’s astonishing how Lesbian women are, consciously or unconsciously. Seems to me they’re nearly all Lesbian.’
‘And do you mind?’ asked Connie.
‘I could kill them. When I’m with a woman who’s really Lesbian, I fairly howl in my soul, wanting to kill her.’
‘And what do you do?’
‘Just go away as fast as I can.’
‘But do you think Lesbian women any worse than homosexual men?’
‘ I do! Because I’ve suffered more from them. In the abstract, I’ve no idea. When I get with a Lesbian woman, whether she knows she’s one or not, I see red. No, no! But I wanted to have nothing to do with any woman any more. I wanted to keep to myself: keep my privacy and my decency.’
He looked pale, and his brows were sombre.
‘And were you sorry when I came along?’ she asked.
‘I was sorry and I was glad.’
‘And what are you now?’
‘I’m sorry, from the outside: all the complications and the ugliness and recrimination that’s bound to come, sooner or later. That’s when my blood sinks, and I’m low. But when my blood comes up, I’m glad. I’m even triumphant. I was really getting bitter. I thought there was no real sex left: never a woman who’d really “come” naturally with a man: except black women, and somehow, well, we’re white men: and they’re a bit like mud.’
‘And now, are you glad of me?’ she asked.
‘Yes! When I can forget the rest. When I can’t forget the rest, I want to get under the table and die.’
‘Why under the table?’
‘Why?’ he laughed. ‘Hide, I suppose. Baby!’
‘You do seem to have had awful experiences of women,’ she said.
‘You see, I couldn’t fool myself. That’s where most men manage. They take an attitude, and accept a lie. I could never fool myself. I knew what I wanted with a woman, and I could never say I’d got it when I hadn’t.’
‘But have you got it now?’
‘Looks as if I might have.’
‘Then why are you so pale and gloomy?’
‘Bellyful of remembering: and perhaps afraid of myself.’
She sat in silence. It was growing late.
‘And do you think it’s important, a man and a woman?’ she asked him.
‘For me it is. For me it’s the core of my life: if I have a right relation with a woman.’
‘And if you didn’t get it?’
‘Then I’d have to do without.’
Again she pondered, before she asked:
‘And do you think you’ve always been right with women?’
‘God, no! I let my wife get to what she was: my fault a good deal. I spoilt her. And I’m very mistrustful. You’ll have to expect it. It takes a lot to make me trust anybody, inwardly. So perhaps I’m a fraud too. I mistrust. And tenderness is not to be mistaken.’
--
No comments:
Post a Comment