14.7 Góa siong-sìn ài-chêng su-iàu un-loán ê sim
In nn̄g-lâng lóng chēng lo̍h-lâi. Āu-lâi i koh hèng khí-lâi, tō kóng:
"Tio̍h, góa ū siong-sìn. Góa siong-sìn ài ū un-loán ê sim. Góa iû-kî siong-sìn ài-chêng su-iàu un-loán ê sim, sio-kàn ài ū un-loán ê sim. Cha-po͘ nā iōng un-loán ê sim khì kàn, cha-bó͘ iōng un-loán ê sim khì chiap-siū, it-chhè tō lóng sūn-lī. Iōng léng-khok ê sim sio-kàn, tō ún sí, ún gōng.
"M̄-koh, lí m̄-thang iōng léng-khok ê sim kàn góa," yi khòng-gī.
"Góa kin-pún bô siūⁿ boeh kàn lí. Góa ê sim chit-má léng kah ná han-chî."
"Oh!" yi kóng, ná chò-sńg chim i. "Án-ne, lán lâi chian han-chî." I chhiò chhut-lâi, chē thêng.
"He sī sū-si̍t!" i kóng. "Ta̍k-hāng tāi-chì lóng ài ū tām-po̍h un-loán ê sim. M̄-koh cha-bó͘-lâng bô ài he. Sīm-chì lí ka-tī mā m̄-sī chin-chiàⁿ ài he. Lí kah-ì sóng, lāi koh chha̍k ê léng-sim sio-kàn, ké-kúi kóng án-ne chin tiⁿ. Lí ná-ū tùi góa ê un-chêng? Lí hoâi-gî góa tō ná-chhiūⁿ niau tùi káu. Góa kā lí kóng, siūⁿ boeh ū un-chêng kap un-loán ê sim, tio̍h ài ū nn̄g-lâng. Lí kah-ì sio-kàn, bô m̄-tio̍h: m̄-koh lí kiò-sī he sī siáⁿ úi-tāi, sîn-pì ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, kan-ta ūi-tio̍h phô͘-tháⁿ lí ka-tī ê chū-chun. Lí ka-tī ê chū-chun koân kòe jīm-hô cha-po͘-lâng, mā koân kòe lí hām cha-po͘-lâng ê koan-hē."
"M̄-koh, góa tō sī án-ne kóng lí. Lí ê chū-chun tō sī lí ê it-chhè."
"Ái! Án-ne chiâⁿ hó!" i kóng, ná tín-tāng, ká-ná boeh peh khí-lâi. "Lán hun-khui hó lah. Góa lêng-khó sí mā m̄-goān chò léng-sim ê sio-kàn."
Yi ùi i sin-khu liu khui, iah i khiā khí-lâi.
"Lí siūⁿ-kóng góa teh giàn sioh?" yi kóng.
"Góa hi-bōng lí bô," i ìn. "M̄-koh, chóng-sī, lí khì bîn-chhn̂g khùn, góa boeh tī lâu-kha khùn."
Yi lia̍h i khòaⁿ. I bīn pe̍h, ba̍k-bâi phah-kat, piáu-hiān kah ná tī pak-ke̍k hiah hn̄g. Só͘-ū ê cha-po͘-lâng lóng kāng-khoán.
"Góa bē-tàng kàu thiⁿ-kng chiah tńg." yi kóng.
"Mài! Lí khì khùn. Koh chi̍t-khek tō chi̍t tiám ah."
"Góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h m̄ khùn," yi kóng.
I kiâⁿ khì the̍h i ê hia-kóng.
"Hó, góa boeh chhut-khì!" i kóng.
I khai-sí chhēng hia-kóng. Yi lia̍h i kim-kim khòaⁿ.
"Tán leh!" yi i-i ū-ū kóng. "Tán leh! Lán sī án-chóaⁿ lah?"
I áⁿ-sin teh kat ê-tòa, bô ìn. Sî-kan teh kòe. Connie kám-kak chi̍t-chūn o͘-àm, ná-chhiūⁿ boeh hūn-khì. Só͘-ū yi ê ì-sek lóng bô--khì, yi ba̍k-chiu kim-kim khiā hia, bô-ì bô-sek khòaⁿ i, siáⁿ-mih lóng í-keng m̄-chai ah.
In-ūi siuⁿ tiām, i gia̍h-thâu khòaⁿ, khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ba̍k-chiu tián tōa, lâng sit-sîn. Ná hō͘ hong chhoe khí, i khí sin phiân hiòng yi, ê-á chi̍t-kha chhēng, chi̍t-kha lak, siang-chhiú kā yi lám tio̍h, ân-ân siâm ji̍p sin-khu, ân kah sin-khu teh khí thiàⁿ. Chū án-ne, i kā siâm tio̍h, chū án-ne yi chēng-chēng hō͘ siâm.
Án-ne it-ti̍t kàu i ê siang-chhiú bông-bo̍k hiòng ē bong yi, koh chhun ji̍p saⁿ-á bong tio̍h yi he iu-ku̍t koh un-loán ê sin-khu.
"Koai!" i nauh-ōe. "Óa ê sió ko͘-niû! Án m̄-than oan! Án chhian-bān m̄-than oan! Óa ài lír, mā ài bong lír. M̄-than kap óa sio-chèⁿ! M̄-than! M̄-than! M̄-than! Án to̍h ài chò-hé."
Yi taⁿ bīn khòaⁿ i.
"Bián chhau-hoân," yi tìn-chēng kóng. "Chhau-hoân mā bô iōng. Lí kám chin-chiàⁿ boeh kap góa chò-hóe sioh?"
Yi ba̍k-chiu tián tōa, tèng tiâu-tiâu khòaⁿ i ê bīn. I thêng-chhiú, hut-jiân tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ, kā bīn oa̍t hiòng piⁿ-á. I kui-sin lóng tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ, m̄-koh bô kiu-chhiú.
Jiân-āu i gia̍h thâu khòaⁿ yi ê ba̍k-chiu, kek chhut he ku-koài, gê-sé ê khó͘-chhiò, kóng: "Ái-ái! Án to̍h li̍p-sè ài chò-hé."
"Che sī chin ê bô?" yi kóng, ba̍k-chiu kâm ba̍k-sái.
"Ái, chin ê! Sim liâm pak, liâm lān."
I iáu sī àⁿ ē khin-khin tùi yi chhiò, ba̍k-chiu siám-sih tio̍h gê-sé, koh ū tām-po̍h ê khó͘-bī.
Yi jím-siaⁿ teh khàu, i hām yi tī hóe-lô͘ chêng ê tē-thán tó lo̍h-lâi kā tōng, án-ne nn̄g-lâng chiah lóng tit-tio̍h pêng-chēng. Āu-lâi, in tō kín-kín khì bîn-chhn̂g, in-ūi lú lâi lú léng, nn̄g-lâng mā lóng hō͘-siong pìⁿ kah chin thiám. Yi khut tī i ê heng-chêng, kám-kak ka-tī kiu-kiu, sè-sè, nn̄g-lâng chin kín tō khùn khì. In tó leh, lóng bô tín-tāng, it-tit kàu ji̍t-thâu ùi chhiū-nâ phû-khí, sin ê chi̍t-kang koh-chài khai-sí.
--
14.7 我相信愛情需要溫暖 ê 心
In 兩人攏靜落來. 後來伊 koh 興起來, tō 講:
"著, 我有相信. 我相信愛有溫暖 ê 心. 我尤其相信愛情需要溫暖 ê 心, sio-kàn 愛有溫暖 ê 心. 查埔若用溫暖 ê 心去 kàn, 查某用溫暖 ê 心去接受, 一切 tō 攏順利. 用冷酷 ê 心 sio-kàn, tō 穩死, 穩戇.
"M̄-koh, 你毋通用冷酷 ê 心 kàn 我," 她抗議.
"我根本無想欲 kàn 你. 我 ê 心 chit-má 冷 kah ná 番薯."
"Oh!" 她講, ná 做耍唚伊. "Án-ne, 咱來煎番薯." 伊笑出來, 坐 thêng.
"彼是事實!" 伊講. "逐項代誌攏愛有淡薄溫暖 ê 心. M̄-koh 查某人無愛彼. 甚至你家己 mā 毋是真正愛彼. 你佮意爽, 利 koh 鑿 ê 冷心 sio-kàn, 假鬼講 án-ne 真甜. 你那有 tùi 我 ê 溫情? 你懷疑我 tō ná 像貓 tùi 狗. 我 kā 你講, 想欲有溫情 kap 溫暖 ê 心, 著愛有兩人. 你佮意 sio-kàn, 無毋著: m̄-koh 你叫是彼是啥偉大, 神祕 ê 物件, 干焦為著扶挺你家己 ê 自尊. 你家己 ê 自尊懸過任何查埔人, mā 懸過你和查埔人 ê 關係."
"M̄-koh, 我 tō 是 án-ne 講你. 你 ê 自尊 tō 是你 ê 一切."
"Ái! Án-ne 誠好!" 伊講, ná 振動, ká-ná 欲 peh 起來. "咱分開好 lah. 我寧可死 mā 毋願做冷心 ê sio-kàn."
她 ùi 伊身軀溜開, iah 伊徛起來.
"你想講我 teh 癮 sioh?" 她講.
"我希望你無," 伊應. "M̄-koh, 總是, 你去眠床睏, 我欲 tī 樓跤睏."
她掠伊看. 伊面白, 目眉拍結, 表現 kah ná tī 北極 hiah 遠. 所有 ê 查埔人攏仝款.
"我袂當到天光才轉." 她講.
"莫! 你去睏. Koh 一刻 tō 一點 ah."
"我定著毋睏," 她講.
伊行去提伊 ê 靴管.
"好, 我欲出去!" 伊講.
伊開始穿靴管. 她掠伊金金看.
"等 leh!" 她 i-i ū-ū 講. "等 leh! 咱是按怎 lah?"
伊 áⁿ 身 teh 結鞋帶, 無應. 時間 teh 過. Connie 感覺一陣烏暗, ná 像欲昏去. 所有她 ê 意識攏無--去, 她目睭金金徛遐, 無意無識看伊, 啥物攏已經毋知 ah.
因為 siuⁿ 恬, 伊攑頭看, 看著她目睭展大, 人失神. Ná 予風吹起, 伊起身 phiân 向她, 鞋仔一跤穿, 一跤 lak, 雙手 kā 她攬著, 絚絚尋入身軀, 絚 kah 身軀 teh 起疼. 自 án-ne, 伊 kā 尋著, 自 án-ne 她靜靜予尋.
Án-ne 一直到伊 ê 雙手盲目向下摸她, koh 伸入衫仔摸著她彼 iu 滑 koh 溫暖 ê 身軀.
"乖!" 伊 nauh 話. "Óa ê 小姑娘! Án 毋 than 冤! Án 千萬 m̄ than 冤! Óa 愛 lír, mā 愛摸 lír. 毋 than kap óa 相諍! 毋 than! 毋 than! 毋 than! Án to̍h 愛 chò-hé."
她 taⁿ 面看伊.
"免操煩," 她鎮靜講. "操煩 mā 無用. 你敢真正欲 kap 我做伙 sioh?"
她目睭展大, 釘牢牢看伊 ê 面. 伊停手, 忽然定定, kā 面越向邊仔. 伊規身攏定定, m̄-koh 無勼手.
然後伊攑頭看她 ê 目睭, 激出彼龜怪, gê-sé ê 苦笑, 講: "Ái-ái! Án to̍h 立誓愛 chò-hé."
"這是真 ê 無?" 她講, 目睭 kâm 目屎.
"Ái, 真 ê! 心黏腹, 黏 lān."
伊猶是 àⁿ 下輕輕對她笑, 目睭閃爍著 gê-sé, koh 有淡薄 ê 苦味.
她忍聲 teh 哭, 伊和她 tī 火爐前 ê 地毯倒落來 kā 撞, án-ne 兩人才攏得著平靜. 後來, in tō 緊緊去眠床, 因為 lú 來 lú 冷, 兩人 mā 攏互相 pìⁿ kah 真忝. 她屈 tī 伊 ê 胸前, 感覺家己勼勼, 細細, 兩人真緊 tō 睏去. In 倒 leh, 攏無振動, 一直到日頭 ùi 樹林浮起, 新 ê 一工 koh 再開始.
--
14.7
They were both silent. Then he roused himself and said:
‘Yes, I do believe in something. I believe in being warmhearted. I believe especially in being warm-hearted in love, in fucking with a warm heart. I believe if men could fuck with warm hearts, and the women take it warm-heartedly, everything would come all right. It’s all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy.’
‘But you don’t fuck me cold-heartedly,’ she protested.
‘I don’t want to fuck you at all. My heart’s as cold as cold potatoes just now.’
‘Oh!’ she said, kissing him mockingly. ‘Let’s have them sautes.’ He laughed, and sat erect.
‘It’s a fact!’ he said. ‘Anything for a bit of warm-heartedness. But the women don’t like it. Even you don’t really like it. You like good, sharp, piercing cold-hearted fucking, and then pretending it’s all sugar. Where’s your tenderness for me? You’re as suspicious of me as a cat is of a dog. I tell you it takes two even to be tender and warm-hearted. You love fucking all right: but you want it to be called something grand and mysterious, just to flatter your own self-importance. Your own self-importance is more to you, fifty times more, than any man, or being together with a man.’
‘But that’s what I’d say of you. Your own self-importance is everything to you.’
‘Ay! Very well then!’ he said, moving as if he wanted to rise. ‘Let’s keep apart then. I’d rather die than do any more cold-hearted fucking.’
She slid away from him, and he stood up.
‘And do you think I want it?’ she said.
‘I hope you don’t,’ he replied. ‘But anyhow, you go to bed an’ I’ll sleep down here.’
She looked at him. He was pale, his brows were sullen, he was as distant in recoil as the cold pole. Men were all alike.
‘I can’t go home till morning,’ she said.
‘No! Go to bed. It’s a quarter to one.’
‘I certainly won’t,’ she said.
He went across and picked up his boots.
‘Then I’ll go out!’ he said.
He began to put on his boots. She stared at him.
‘Wait!’ she faltered. ‘Wait! What’s come between us?’
He was bent over, lacing his boot, and did not reply. The moments passed. A dimness came over her, like a swoon. All her consciousness died, and she stood there wide-eyed, looking at him from the unknown, knowing nothing any more.
He looked up, because of the silence, and saw her wide-eyed and lost. And as if a wind tossed him he got up and hobbled over to her, one shoe off and one shoe on, and took her in his arms, pressing her against his body, which somehow felt hurt right through. And there he held her, and there she remained.
Till his hands reached blindly down and felt for her, and felt under the clothing to where she was smooth and warm.
‘Ma lass!’ he murmured. ‘Ma little lass! Dunna let’s light! Dunna let’s niver light! I love thee an’ th’ touch on thee. Dunna argue wi’ me! Dunna! Dunna! Dunna! Let’s be together.’
She lifted her face and looked at him.
‘Don’t be upset,’ she said steadily. ‘It’s no good being upset. Do you really want to be together with me?’
She looked with wide, steady eyes into his face. He stopped, and went suddenly still, turning his face aside. All his body went perfectly still, but did not withdraw.
Then he lifted his head and looked into her eyes, with his odd, faintly mocking grin, saying: ‘Ay-ay! Let’s be together on oath.’
‘But really?’ she said, her eyes filling with tears.
‘Ay really! Heart an’ belly an’ cock.’
He still smiled faintly down at her, with the flicker of irony in his eyes, and a touch of bitterness.
She was silently weeping, and he lay with her and went into her there on the hearthrug, and so they gained a measure of equanimity. And then they went quickly to bed, for it was growing chill, and they had tired each other out. And she nestled up to him, feeling small and enfolded, and they both went to sleep at once, fast in one sleep. And so they lay and never moved, till the sun rose over the wood and day was beginning.
--
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