12.4 你欲愛我無?

12.4 Lí boeh ài góa bô?

Yi lim-tê ê sî kám-kak bē chū-chāi koh ut-būn, lim liáu sûi tō peh chiūⁿ ka-tī ê pâng-keng. Kàu tē liáu, iū-koh bē hó-sè; yi chē mā m̄-sī, khiā mā m̄-sī. Yi tio̍h chò chi̍t-ê siáⁿ. Yi tio̍h tńg khì liâu-á hia; tō-kóng i bô tī hia, án-ne mā bô iàu-kín.

Yi ùi piⁿ-á mn̂g liu chhut-khì, ti̍t-lí ti̍t-lō͘ tō khì, sim-koaⁿ sió-khóa iu-būn. Lâi-kàu khang-tē ê sî, yi kám-kak chiok put-an. Ka-chài, i ū tī hia, chhēng siatchuh, áⁿ-io, pàng ke-bó chhut ke-lam, i sì-piⁿ ê ke-á-kiáⁿ taⁿ í-keng tōa kah pūn-chhiâng, m̄-koh pí it-poaⁿ ê ke-á-kiáⁿ lóng khah iu-ngá, kiat-si̍t.

Yi ti̍t-ti̍t kiâⁿ hiòng i.

"Lí khòaⁿ, góa lâi ah!" yi kóng.

"Ái, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h ah!" i kóng, ná khiā-thêng, ná chhiò-hi-hi khòaⁿ yi.

"Lí pàng ke-bó chhut-lâi sioh?" yi mn̄g.

"Sī ah, yin pū-kiáⁿ pū kah chhun phôe kap kut," i kóng. "Chit-chūn yin bô kip boeh chhut-lâi thó-chia̍h. Pū-kiáⁿ ê ke-bó bô kò͘ ka-tī; yin choân-sim chiàu-kò͘ ke-nn̄g a̍h ke-kiáⁿ."

Khó-liân ê ke-bó; bông-bo̍k ê hōng-hiàn! liân pa̍t-lâng ê nn̄g mā kò͘! Connie khòaⁿ yin, sim tông-chêng. In nn̄g-lâng tiong-kan ū chi̍t-khùn bô lâi-iû ê tiām-chēng.

"Án ji̍p liâu-á, hó-m̄?" i mn̄g.

"Lí boeh ài góa bô?" yi mn̄g, ná tùi i bô sìn-jīm.

"Ái, lí nā ài tō lâi."

Yi tiām-tiām.

"Lâi lah!" i kóng.

Chū án-ne, yi tòe i ji̍p liâu-á. I koaiⁿ-mn̂g liáu, lāi-té àm-àm, i tō tiám chi̍t pha sió iû-teng, hām í-chêng kāng-khoán.

"Lí lāi-saⁿ thǹg-hó bōe?" i mn̄g yi.

"Hó ah!"

"Ái, án-ne góa mā lâi thǹg góa ê."

I pho͘ thán-á, koh khǹg chi̍t niá tī piⁿ-á thang iōng lâi kah. Yi bō-á chhái tiāu, kā thau-chang hàiⁿ-khui. I chē lo̍h, thǹg-tiāu ê-á kap khia-háng (腳絆, leggins), koh thǹg i ê chho͘-mî-pò͘ tn̂g-khò͘.

"Taⁿ, tó lo̍h-lâi!" i kóng, kan-ta chhun chhēng siatchuh. Yi tiām-tiām chiàu chò, i tó tī yi piⁿ-á, khiú thán-á kah siang-lâng.

"Hó-sè ah!" i kóng.

I kā yi ê saⁿ hian khí-lâi, hian kàu yi ê leng hia. I khin-khin chim hit nn̄g-lia̍p leng, kā leng-thâu iōng chhùi-tûn kâm tio̍h, sè-la̍t kā bôa.

"Eh, lír chiâⁿ chán, lír chiâⁿ chán!" i kóng, hut-jiân iōng i ê bīn khì lù yi he sio-ho koh un-loán ê pak-tó͘.

Iah yi neh, siang-chhiú siâm tī i ê siatchuh lāi-bīn, m̄-koh yi ē kiaⁿ, kiaⁿ i he sán-sán, kng-ku̍t, ká-ná la̍t-thâu pá ê lō͘-thé, kiaⁿ he mé-lia̍h ê kin-bah. Yi kiu-kiu, kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ.

Tng i sió-khóa thó͘-khùi kóng: "Eh, lír chiâⁿ chán!" ê sî, yi lāi-té ká-ná ū siáⁿ teh chùn-tāng, yi ê cheng-sîn nih koh ū siáⁿ teh piàn ngē boeh hoán-khòng: hoán-khòng he khó-phà ê sin-thé chhin-kīn, hoán-khòng i he te̍k-pia̍t kóaⁿ-kín ê chiàm-ū. Chit kái, yi bô hō͘ yi ka-tī chêng-io̍k ê sóng-khoài só͘ ah-tó; yi tó leh, siang-chhiú tiām-tiām khǹg tī i phah-piàⁿ ê sin-khu téng, m̄-koán yi chhòng siáⁿ, yi ê cheng-sîn lóng ká-ná ùi thâu-khak téng teh khòaⁿ, yi kám-kak i teh thuh ê āu-táu chin khó-chhiò, i ê lān-chiáu kip-kip siūⁿ boeh ta̍t-kàu té-chām pâi-sià ê hiám-tiám mā chin chhiò-khoe. Tio̍h, che tō-sī ài: he kha-chhng-táu khó-chhiò ê chông kap lòng, hām he khó-liân, bô-tiōng-iàu, sió-sió tâm-tâm ê lān-chiáu ê kiu-khì. Che tō-sī sîn-sèng ê ài! Chóng-kóng, hiān-tāi lâng khòaⁿ-khin chit-chióng piáu-ián sī tio̍h ê; in-ūi he sī chi̍t chióng piáu-ián. Ū chi̍t-kóa si-jîn kóng-liáu chin tio̍h, chhòng-chō cha-po͘-lâng ê Sîn tiāⁿ-tio̍h ū pháiⁿ-ì ê chhiò-khoe, kā i chhòng-chō chò lí-tì ê lâng, koh pek i iōng chit-khoán khó-chhiò ê chu-sè, sái i khì bông-bo̍k tui-kiû chit-chióng khó-chhiò ê piáu-ián. Sīm-chì Maupassant mā kám-kak che sī sit bīn-chú ê hoán ko-tiau. Cha-po͘-lâng biáu-sī sio-kàn ê tōng-chok, m̄-koh iáu-sī hèng ài án-ne chò.

Léng-khok koh gio̍h-chhiò, yi kî-ī ê lú-sèng ê sim khiā koân, sui-bóng tó tiām-tiām, yi ê pún-lêng tō-sī thèⁿ-koân ē-io, kā hit-ê cha-po͘ tàn chhut-khì, phiah-khui i bái-kâu ê khiú-lia̍h, kap i hó-chhiò ê kha-chhng-táu tī téng-koân thuh. I ê sin-khu sī chi̍t-ê gōng, ló͘, koh bô-oân-pī ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, he bōe-soah ê chho͘-pūn ū tām-po̍h thó-ià. Chin khak-tēng, oân-chéng ê chìn-hòa chiong ē siau-tî chit-chióng piáu-ián, chit-chióng "kong-lêng".

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12.4 你欲愛我無?

她啉茶 ê 時感覺袂自在 koh 鬱悶, 啉了隨 tō peh 上家己 ê 房間. 到地了, 又 koh 袂好勢; 她坐 mā 毋是, 徛 mā 毋是. 她著做一个啥. 她著轉去寮仔遐; tō 講伊無 tī 遐, án-ne mā 無要緊.

她 ùi 邊仔門溜出去, 直理直路 tō 去, 心肝小可憂悶. 來到空地 ê 時, 她感覺足不安. 佳哉, 伊有 tī 遐, 穿 siatchuh, áⁿ 腰, 放雞母出雞籠, 伊四邊 ê 雞仔囝今已經大 kah 笨 chhiâng, m̄-koh 比一般 ê 雞仔囝攏較優雅, 結實.

她直直行向伊.

"你看, 我來 ah!" 她講.

"Ái, 我看著 ah!" 伊講, ná 徛 thêng, ná 笑 hi-hi 看她.

"你放雞母出來 sioh?" 她問.

"是 ah, 姻孵囝孵 kah 賰皮 kap 骨," 伊講. "這陣姻無急欲出來討食. 孵囝 ê 雞母無顧家己; 姻全心照顧雞卵抑雞囝."

可憐 ê 雞母; 盲目 ê 奉獻! 連別人 ê 卵 mā 顧! Connie 看姻, 心同情. In 兩人中間有一睏無來由 ê 恬靜.

"Án 入寮仔, 好毋?" 伊問.

"你欲愛我無?" 她問, ná 對伊無信任.

"Ái, 你若愛 tō 來."

她恬恬.

"來 lah!" 伊講.

自 án-ne, 她綴伊入寮仔. 伊關門了, 內底暗暗, 伊 tō 點一葩小油燈, 和以前仝款.

"你內衫褪好袂?" 伊問她.

"好 ah!"

"Ái, án-ne 我 mā 來褪我 ê."

伊鋪毯仔, koh 囥一領 tī 邊仔通用來 kah. 她帽仔採掉, kā 頭鬃幌開. 伊坐落, 褪掉鞋仔 kap khia-háng (腳絆, leggins), koh 褪伊 ê 粗棉布長褲.

"今, 倒落來!" 伊講, 干焦賰穿 siatchuh. 她恬恬照做, 伊倒 tī 她邊仔, 搝毯仔 kah 雙人.

"好勢 ah!" 伊講.

伊 kā 她 ê 衫掀起來, 掀到她 ê 奶遐. 伊輕輕唚彼兩粒奶, kā 奶頭用喙脣 kâm 著, 細力 kā 磨.

"Eh, lír 誠讚, lír 誠讚!" 伊講, 忽然用伊 ê 面去鑢她彼燒熇 koh 溫暖 ê 腹肚.

Iah 她 neh, 雙手尋 tī 伊 ê siatchuh 內面, m̄-koh 她會驚, 驚伊彼瘦瘦, 光滑, ká-ná 力頭飽 ê 露體, 驚彼猛掠 ê 筋肉. 她勼勼, 驚驚.

當伊小可吐氣講: "Eh, lír 誠讚!" ê 時, 她內底 ká-ná 有啥 teh 顫動, 她 ê 精神 nih koh 有啥 teh 變硬欲反抗: 反抗彼可怕 ê 身體親近, 反抗伊彼特別趕緊 ê 佔有. 這改, 她無予她家己情慾 ê 爽快所壓倒; 她倒 leh, 雙手恬恬囥 tī 伊拍拚 ê 身軀頂, 毋管她創啥, 她 ê 精神攏 ká-ná ùi 頭殼頂 teh 看, 她感覺伊 teh thuh ê 後斗真可笑, 伊 ê lān-chiáu 急急想欲達到短站排 sià ê 險點 mā 真笑詼. 著, 這 tō 是愛: 彼尻川斗可笑 ê 傱 kap 挵, 和彼可憐, 無重要, 小小澹澹 ê lān-chiáu ê 勼去. 這 tō 是神聖 ê 愛! 總講, 現代人看輕這種表演是著 ê; 因為彼是一種表演. 有一寡詩人講了真著, 創造查埔人 ê 神定著有歹意 ê 笑詼, kā 伊創造做理智 ê 人, koh 迫伊用這款可笑 ê 姿勢, sái 伊去盲目追求這種可笑 ê 表演. 甚至 Maupassant mā 感覺這是失面子 ê 反高潮. 查埔人藐視 sio-kàn ê 動作, m̄-koh 猶是 hèng 愛 án-ne 做.

冷酷 koh 謔笑, 她奇異 ê 女性 ê 心徛懸, 雖罔倒恬恬, 她 ê 本能 tō 是牚懸下腰, kā 彼个查埔擲出去, 避開伊䆀猴 ê 搝掠, kap 伊好笑 ê 尻川斗 tī 頂懸 thuh. 伊 ê 身軀是一个戇, 魯, koh 無完備 ê 物件, 彼未煞 ê 粗笨有淡薄討厭. 真確定, 完整 ê 進化將會消除這種表演, 這種 "功能".

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12.4

She passed a very uneasy and irritated tea-time, and at once went up to her room. But when she was there it was no good; she could neither sit nor stand. She would have to do something about it. She would have to go back to the hut; if he was not there, well and good.

She slipped out of the side door, and took her way direct and a little sullen. When she came to the clearing she was terribly uneasy. But there he was again, in his shirt-sleeves, stooping, letting the hens out of the coops, among the chicks that were now growing a little gawky, but were much more trim than hen-chickens.

She went straight across to him.

‘You see I’ve come!’ she said.

‘Ay, I see it!’ he said, straightening his back, and looking at her with a faint amusement.

‘Do you let the hens out now?’ she asked.

‘Yes, they’ve sat themselves to skin and bone,’ he said. ‘An’ now they’re not all that anxious to come out an’ feed. There’s no self in a sitting hen; she’s all in the eggs or the chicks.’

The poor mother-hens; such blind devotion! even to eggs not their own! Connie looked at them in compassion. A helpless silence fell between the man and the woman.

‘Shall us go i’ th’ ’ut?’ he asked.

‘Do you want me?’ she asked, in a sort of mistrust.

‘Ay, if you want to come.’

She was silent.

‘Come then!’ he said.

And she went with him to the hut. It was quite dark when he had shut the door, so he made a small light in the lantern, as before.

‘Have you left your underthings off?’ he asked her.

‘Yes!’

‘Ay, well, then I’ll take my things off too.’

He spread the blankets, putting one at the side for a coverlet. She took off her hat, and shook her hair. He sat down, taking off his shoes and gaiters, and undoing his cord breeches.

‘Lie down then!’ he said, when he stood in his shirt. She obeyed in silence, and he lay beside her, and pulled the blanket over them both.

‘There!’ he said.

And he lifted her dress right back, till he came even to her breasts. He kissed them softly, taking the nipples in his lips in tiny caresses.

‘Eh, but tha’rt nice, tha’rt nice!’ he said, suddenly rubbing his face with a snuggling movement against her warm belly.

And she put her arms round him under his shirt, but she was afraid, afraid of his thin, smooth, naked body, that seemed so powerful, afraid of the violent muscles. She shrank, afraid.

And when he said, with a sort of little sigh: ‘Eh, tha’rt nice!’ something in her quivered, and something in her spirit stiffened in resistance: stiffened from the terribly physical intimacy, and from the peculiar haste of his possession. And this time the sharp ecstasy of her own passion did not overcome her; she lay with her hands inert on his striving body, and do what she might, her spirit seemed to look on from the top of her head, and the butting of his haunches seemed ridiculous to her, and the sort of anxiety of his penis to come to its little evacuating crisis seemed farcical. Yes, this was love, this ridiculous bouncing of the buttocks, and the wilting of the poor, insignificant, moist little penis. This was the divine love! After all, the moderns were right when they felt contempt for the performance; for it was a performance. It was quite true, as some poets said, that the God who created man must have had a sinister sense of humour, creating him a reasonable being, yet forcing him to take this ridiculous posture, and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous performance. Even a Maupassant found it a humiliating anti-climax. Men despised the intercourse act, and yet did it.

Cold and derisive her queer female mind stood apart, and though she lay perfectly still, her impulse was to heave her loins, and throw the man out, escape his ugly grip, and the butting over-riding of his absurd haunches. His body was a foolish, impudent, imperfect thing, a little disgusting in its unfinished clumsiness. For surely a complete evolution would eliminate this performance, this ‘function’.

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