14.4 Chò-peng tńg-lâi, góa chiah chai yi khì tòe pa̍t-lâng
"Tī chhù nih, góa iáu-koh ū tha̍k-chheh: góa mā ū ka-tī ê bé, mā kám-kak ka-tī chin chhèng. Goán lāu-pē sí ê sî lâu hō͘ góa 300 Eng-pōng. Chū án-ne góa kap Bertha kau-pôe, mā chin hoaⁿ-hí, yi seng-chò chin phó͘-thong. Góa ài yi phó͘-thong, góa mā ài ka-tī phó͘-thong. Hmh, góa kap yi kiat-hun, yi mā bē-bái. Hiah-ê ‘chia̍h-chhài’ ê cha-bó͘ kiông boeh hō͘ góa bô lān-hu̍t, m̄-koh chit hong-bīn, yi bô būn-tê. Yi su-iàu góa, bē kéng-chia̍h. Góa chiâⁿ tek-ì. Che tō sī góa su-iàu ê: chi̍t-ê ài góa kàn yi ê cha-bó͘. Só͘-í góa kā kàn kah sóng-oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ. M̄-koh, góa siūⁿ, yi khòaⁿ góa bô, in-ūi góa hiah hèng hit bī, ū-sî sīm-chì the̍h chá-tǹg hō͘ yi tī bîn-chhn̂g téng chia̍h. Yi bô siáⁿ teh chhap tāi-chì, góa hā-pan tńg-lâi chhiâng-chāi bô chèng-sek ê àm-tǹg thang chia̍h, góa nā kóng yi kúi-kù, yi tō nāu phî-khì. Góa mā kap yi hoat sèng-tē, phiaⁿ tang phiaⁿ sai. Yi kā góa tìm poe-á, góa tō lia̍h yi ê ām-kún, tēⁿ kah yi bē chhoán-khùi. Tō sī chit-khoán tāi! Yi tùi-thāi góa chin chho͘-ló͘. Chū án-ne, góa su-iàu yi ê sî, yi soah m̄ khéng: m̄ tō sī m̄. Hō͘ góa bô hoat-tō͘, iōng kiông mā bô-hāu. Tán kah góa bô hoat-tō͘, góa mā bô ài yi, yi tō cháu kòe-lâi sai-nai, góa tō chiū yi. Góa tō hām yi siong-hó. M̄-koh góa hām yi chò kah kàu-tè ê sî, yi chóng-sī m̄-bat kàu. Chóng-sī án-ne! Yi kan-ta tán. Góa nā tán yi pòaⁿ tiám-cheng, yi tō tán koh-khah kú. Góa nā kàu-tè koh kiat-sok, yi tō khai-sí ka-tī tī hia ngia̍uh-ngia̍uh tāng, góa tō tòng-tiām tī yi lāi-té, it-ti̍t kàu yi pìⁿ kah hó-sè, khū-khū chùn, ai-ai kiò, yi he ē-bīn tō gia̍p koh gia̍p, gia̍p kah ân-ân-ân, án-né yi tō kàu-tè ah, chin-chiàⁿ sóng kah. Yi tō ē kóng: Si̍t-chāi ū kàu sóng! Bān-bān góa kám-kak ià-siān: yi piàn kah koh-khah chha. Yi tō lú lâi lú bô hoat-tō͘ oân-sêng, tī ē-bīn teh lo góa, ná-chhiūⁿ sī chiáu-á chhùi kā góa kā tio̍h. Thiⁿ ah, lí m̄-thang siūⁿ kóng cha-bó͘ ê ē-bīn, ná bû-hoa-kó (fig), sī nńg ê. M̄-koh, góa kā lí kóng, lāu ki-lú siang-thúi tiong-kan ū chhùi-pe, iōng he kā lí lo kah lí kiò m̄-káⁿ. Ka-tī! Ka-tī! Ka-tī! chóng-sī ka-tī! lo koh kiò! Lâng teh kóng cha-po͘-lâng ê chū-su, m̄-koh che kám ē-kham-tit pí kiâⁿ kàu hit khám-chām cha-bó͘-lâng khí chheⁿ-kông ê chhùi-pe. He tō ná lāu chhâ-pê! M̄-koh, yi mā bô-ta-ôa. Góa kā yi kóng, kóng góa thó-ià án-ne. Yi mā ū chhì boeh kái-piàn. Yi tō tó tiām-tiām, hō͘ góa ka-tī pìⁿ. Yi án-ne chhì. M̄-koh án-ne m̄-hó. Yi bô kám-kak, kám-kak bē tio̍h góa ê khang-khòe. Yi tio̍h ka-tī khì chò, bôa yi ka-tī ê kapi. Án-ne, yi tō koh tò-tńg khì, ná chhiūⁿ bô bē-sái, yi tio̍h khò ka-tī, bôa koh lo, koh gia̍p, ká-ná tî liáu he chhùi-pe, yi lóng bô kám-kak, kan-ta he gōa-kháu ê chhùi-pe-chiam tī hia lù koh chhè. Cha-po͘-lâng chóng-sī án-ne kóng: lāu ki-lú tō sī chit-lō khoán. Che sī yi ê chi̍t-chióng kē-lō͘ ê ì-chì, chi̍t-chióng mi-mi-boeh ê ì-chì: ná-chhiūⁿ siáu-chiú ê cha-bó͘ kāng-khoán. Hmh, āu-lâi, góa bô hoat-tō͘ koh jím-nāi. Goán hun-khui khùn. Che sī yi khai-sí ê, tī yi bô su-iàu góa, kóng góa ge̍k-thāi yi ê sî, yi tō hoat-chok, m̄ kap góa khùn. Yi tō ka-tī khùn chi̍t-keng pâng. Āu-lâi, góa bô ài yi lâi góa ê pâng-keng ê sî-kan mā lâi ah, góa tō m̄ hō͘ yi ji̍p góa ê pâng-keng.
“Góa chheh chiah-ê. Yi mā chheh góa. Thiⁿ ah, Gín-á chhut-sì chìn-chêng yi sī gōa-nī chheh góa! Góa tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ siūⁿ, yi sī tī oàn-hūn ê sî ū-sin ê. Chóng-sī, gín-á chhut-sì liáu, góa tō bô koh chhap yi. Āu-lâi, tāi-chiàn hoat-seng, góa khì chò-peng. Kàu góa tńg-lâi, chiah chai yi khì tòe tio̍h Stacks Gate hit-ê kha-siàu."
I thêng lo̍h-lâi, bīn pe̍h-pe̍h.
"Stacks Gate hit-ê cha-po͘ sī siáⁿ khoán lâng?" Connie mn̄g.
"Chi̍t-ê gín-á khoán ê tōa-hàn lâng, móa chhùi lah-sap ōe. Yi ge̍k-thāi i, in nn̄g-lâng lóng hèng chiú."
"Góa siūⁿ, yi nā tńg-lâi boeh án-chóaⁿ!"
"Thiⁿ ah, sī lah! Góa tio̍h cháu, cháu kah bô khòaⁿ-e iáⁿ."
--
14.4 做兵轉來, 我才知她去綴別人
"Tī 厝 nih, 我猶 koh 有讀冊: 我 mā 有家己 ê 馬, mā 感覺家己真 chhèng. 阮老爸死 ê 時留予我 300 英鎊. 自 án-ne 我 kap Bertha 交陪, mā 真歡喜, 她生做真普通. 我愛她普通, 我 mā 愛家己普通. Hmh, 我 kap 她結婚, 她 mā 袂䆀. Hiah-ê '食菜' ê 查某強欲予我無 lān 核, m̄-koh 這方面, 她無問題. 她需要我, 袂揀食. 我誠得意. 這 tō 是我需要 ê: 一个愛我 kàn 她 ê 查某. 所以我 kā kàn kah 爽 oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ. M̄-koh, 我想, 她看我無, 因為我 hiah 興彼味, 有時甚至提早頓予她 tī 眠床頂食. 她無啥 teh chhap 代誌, 我下班轉來常在無正式 ê 暗頓通食, 我若講她幾句, 她 tō 鬧脾氣. 我 mā kap 她發性地, phiaⁿ 東 phiaⁿ 西. 她 kā 我 tìm 杯仔, 我 tō 掠她 ê 頷頸, 捏 kah 她袂喘氣. Tō 是這款代! 她對待我真粗魯. 自 án-ne, 我需要她 ê 時, 她煞毋肯: 毋 tō 是毋. 予我無法度, 用強 mā 無效. 等 kah 我無法度, 我 mā 無愛她, 她 tō 走過來 sai-nai, 我 tō 就她. 我 tō 和她相好. M̄-koh 我和她做 kah 到地 ê 時, 她總是 m̄-bat 到. 總是 án-ne! 她干焦等. 我若等她半點鐘, 她 tō 等 koh 較久. 我若到地 koh 結束, 她 tō 開始家己 tī 遐 ngia̍uh-ngia̍uh 動, 我 tō 擋恬 tī 她內底, 一直到她 pìⁿ kah 好勢, khū-khū 顫, 哀哀叫, 她彼下面 tō 挾 koh 挾, 挾 kah 絚絚絚, án-né 她 tō 到地 ah, 真正爽 kah. 她 tō 會講: 實在有夠爽! 慢慢我感覺厭僐: 她變 kah koh 較差. 她 tō lú 來 lú 無法度完成, tī 下面 teh lo 我, ná 像是鳥仔喙 kā 我咬著. 天 ah, 你毋通想講查某 ê 下面, ná 無花果 (fig), 是軟 ê. M̄-koh, 我 kā 你講, 老妓女雙腿中間有喙 pe, 用彼 kā 你 lo kah 你叫毋敢. 家己! 家己! 家己! 總是家己! lo koh 叫! 人 teh 講查埔人 ê 自私, m̄-koh 這敢會堪得比行到彼坎站查某人起青狂 ê 喙 pe. 彼 tō ná 老柴耙! M̄-koh, 她 mā 無 ta-ôa. 我 kā 她講, 講我討厭 án-ne. 她 mā 有試欲改變. 她 tō 倒恬恬, 予我家己 pìⁿ. 她 án-ne 試. M̄-koh án-ne 毋好. 她無感覺, 感覺袂著我 ê khang-khòe. 她著家己去做, 磨她家己 ê kapi. Án-ne, 她 tō koh 倒轉去, ná 像無袂使, 她著靠家己, 磨 koh lo, koh 挾, ká-ná 除了彼喙 pe, 她攏無感覺, 干焦彼外口 ê 喙 pe 尖 tī 遐 lù koh chhè. 查埔人總是 án-ne 講: 老妓女 tō 是 chit-lō 款. 這是她 ê 一種低路 ê 意志, 一種綿綿欲 ê 意志: ná 像痟酒 ê 查某仝款. Hmh, 後來, 我無法度 koh 忍耐. 阮分開睏. 這是她開始 ê, tī 她無需要我, 講我虐待她 ê 時, 她 tō 發作, 毋 kap 我睏. 她 tō 家己睏一間房. 後來, 我無愛她來我 ê 房間 ê 時間 mā 來 ah, 我 tō 毋予她入我 ê 房間.
“我慼 chiah-ê. 她 mā 慼我. 天 ah, 囡仔出世進前她是 gōa-nī 慼我! 我定定想, 她是 tī 怨恨 ê 時有身 ê. 總是, 囡仔出世了, 我 tō 無 koh chhap 她. 後來, 大戰發生, 我去做兵. 到我轉來, 才知她去綴著 Stacks Gate 彼个跤數."
伊停落來, 面白白.
"Stacks Gate 彼个查埔是啥款人?" Connie 問.
"一个囡仔款 ê 大漢人, 滿喙垃圾話. 她虐待伊, in 兩人攏興酒."
"我想, 她若轉來欲按怎!"
"天 ah, 是 lah! 我著走, 走 kah 無看 e 影."
--
14.4
"I still read books, at home: but I blacksmithed and had a pony-trap of my own, and was My Lord Duckfoot. My dad left me three hundred pounds when he died. So I took on with Bertha, and I was glad she was common. I wanted her to be common. I wanted to be common myself. Well, I married her, and she wasn’t bad. Those other “pure” women had nearly taken all the balls out of me, but she was all right that way. She wanted me, and made no bones about it. And I was as pleased as punch. That was what I wanted: a woman who wanted me to fuck her. So I fucked her like a good un. And I think she despised me a bit, for being so pleased about it, and bringin’ her her breakfast in bed sometimes. She sort of let things go, didn’t get me a proper dinner when I came home from work, and if I said anything, flew out at me. And I flew back, hammer and tongs. She flung a cup at me and I took her by the scruff of the neck and squeezed the life out of her. That sort of thing! But she treated me with insolence. And she got so’s she’d never have me when I wanted her: never. Always put me off, brutal as you like. And then when she’d put me right off, and I didn’t want her, she’d come all lovey-dovey, and get me. And I always went. But when I had her, she’d never come off when I did. Never! She’d just wait. If I kept back for half an hour, she’d keep back longer. And when I’d come and really finished, then she’d start on her own account, and I had to stop inside her till she brought herself off, wriggling and shouting, she’d clutch clutch with herself down there, an’ then she’d come off, fair in ecstasy. And then she’d say: That was lovely! Gradually I got sick of it: and she got worse. She sort of got harder and harder to bring off, and she’d sort of tear at me down there, as if it was a beak tearing at me. By God, you think a woman’s soft down there, like a fig. But I tell you the old rampers have beaks between their legs, and they tear at you with it till you’re sick. Self! Self! Self! all self! tearing and shouting! They talk about men’s selfishness, but I doubt if it can ever touch a woman’s blind beakishness, once she’s gone that way. Like an old trull! And she couldn’t help it. I told her about it, I told her how I hated it. And she’d even try. She’d try to lie still and let me work the business. She’d try. But it was no good. She got no feeling off it, from my working. She had to work the thing herself, grind her own coffee. And it came back on her like a raving necessity, she had to let herself go, and tear, tear, tear, as if she had no sensation in her except in the top of her beak, the very outside top tip, that rubbed and tore. That’s how old whores used to be, so men used to say. It was a low kind of self-will in her, a raving sort of self-will: like in a woman who drinks. Well in the end I couldn’t stand it. We slept apart. She herself had started it, in her bouts when she wanted to be clear of me, when she said I bossed her. She had started having a room for herself. But the time came when I wouldn’t have her coming to my room. I wouldn’t.
‘I hated it. And she hated me. My God, how she hated me before that child was born! I often think she conceived it out of hate. Anyhow, after the child was born I left her alone. And then came the war, and I joined up. And I didn’t come back till I knew she was with that fellow at Stacks Gate.
He broke off, pale in the face.
‘And what is the man at Stacks Gate like?’ asked Connie.
‘A big baby sort of fellow, very low-mouthed. She bullies him, and they both drink.’
‘My word, if she came back!’
‘My God, yes! I should just go, disappear again.’
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