10.11 Yi tō hām i kiâⁿ-kî a̍h sńg-pâi-á
Clifford ū kàu kiāⁿ, ē-hiáu siūⁿ. I bīn-sek hó-khòaⁿ, âng-gê, keng-thâu khoah koh ióng, heng-khám kāu, í-keng khah ū-bah. M̄-koh, tông-sî i mā kiaⁿ-sí. Ná-chhiū tī tó-ūi, ū chi̍t ê khó-phà ê khang iōng bó͘ chióng hong-sek teh ui-hia̍p i, chit ê khang i nā ji̍p-khì, i tio̍h ē pang lo̍h. Ū-sî, i kám-kak bô-la̍t, sí ah, chin--ê sí ah.
Só͘-í, i he phok-phok ê phú ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ khí-lâi koài-koài, im-tîm, chân-jím, léng-khok: tông-sî koh ná chiok chāi-táⁿ. Che khòaⁿ khí-lâi chin koài, chit chióng chāi-táⁿ ê piáu-chêng: ná-chhiūⁿ i m̄-kò͘ sèⁿ-miā khì chiàn-iâⁿ sèⁿ-miā kāng-khoán. "Siáng nā chai-iáⁿ ì-chì ê sîn-pì -- in-ūi ì-chì sīm-chì ē chiàn-iâⁿ thian-sài..."
M̄-koh i só͘ khióng-pò͘ ê sī, àm-mê i khùn bē-khì ê sî. Hit-sî tō chin-chiàⁿ khó-phà, khang-hi ùi sì-kè hiòng i ah ji̍p-lâi. Hit-sî tō chin kiaⁿ-sim, chûn-chāi khiok bô sèⁿ-miā: tī pòaⁿ-mê bô-miā, khiok oa̍h tio̍h.
M̄-koh, taⁿ i ē-sái chhi̍h lêng-á kiò Bolton Tt, yi tō ē lâi. Che sī chin hó ê an-ùi. Yi ē chhēng si̍t-lāi khùn-phâu kòe-lâi, thâu-chang pa̍k-tio̍h phāiⁿ tī kha-chiah-āu, koài-koài ná ko͘-niû, bīn tîm-tîm, sui-jiân he thâu-chang ê chang-sek lāi-té chhap ū pe̍h-mo͘. Yi tō ē thè i phàu kapi a̍h kam-kiok tê (camomile tea), yi tō hām i kiâⁿ-kî a̍h sńg pâi-á. Yi ū cha-bó͘-lâng só͘-ū ê kî-koài lêng-le̍k, sui-bóng ū saⁿ-hun teh ài-khùn mā chin gâu kiâⁿ-kî, iâⁿ kah yi sìn-sim móa-móa. Só͘-í, tī àm-mê ê tiām-chēng chhin-bi̍t tiong-kan, in chē leh, a̍h-sī yi chē, i tó tī chhn̂g, ko͘-to̍k ê teng-hóe kng chiò tio̍h in, yi kiông boeh khùn khì, i kiông boeh sit-lo̍h tī kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ tiong, in sńg, chò-hòe sńg -- koh-lâi in chò-hóe lim kapi, chia̍h tiám-sim, tī tiām-tiām ê àm-bê, bô án-chóaⁿ kóng-ōe, m̄-koh hō͘ nn̄g lâng lóng kám-kak an-siông, hòng-sim.
Chit àm, yi it-ti̍t teh hòⁿ-kî, tàu-té Chatterley Hj ê khè-hiaⁿ sī siáng. Yi mā teh hoâi-liām yin Ted, sui-jiân sí chin kú ah, tùi yi éng-oán tō bô sǹg sí ah. Yi siūⁿ tio̍h Ted ê sî, hit ê tùi sè-kài ê oàn-hūn koh giâ khí-lâi, iû-kî sī oàn-hūn hiah-ê hài-sí yin ang ê thâu-ke. Sui-jiân yin ang m̄-sī in thâi-sí ê, m̄-koh tī kám-chêng siōng, yi jīn-ûi sī. In-ūi án-ne, tī yi sim-koaⁿ chhim-chhim ê só͘-chāi, yi sī hi-bû chú-gī-chiá, sī bô-chèng-hú chú-gī-chiá.
Tī pòaⁿ-khùn tiong-kan, yi hūn-cha̍p tio̍h tùi Ted ê su-liām hām tùi Chattrley Hj ê khè-hiaⁿ m̄-chai sī siáng ê siūⁿ-hoat; yi kám-kak, yi hām Hu-jîn kāng-khoán, tùi Clifford Sià hām i só͘ tāi-piáu ê it-chhè, lóng ū tōa-tōa ê oàn-hūn. Hit tông-sî, yi teh hām i sńg pâi-á, poa̍h su-iâⁿ 6-pence. Hām chiok-sū sńg pâi-á hō͘ lâng chin boán-chiok, sīm-chì su i mā ū-ta̍t.
Ta̍k kái in sńg pâi-á, in lóng poa̍h chîⁿ. Án-ne hō͘ i bē-kì-tit ka-tī. Óng-óng sī i iâⁿ. E-àm kāng-khoán i mā iâⁿ. Só͘-í thiⁿ bōe kng, i bē khì khùn. Ka-chài, tī sì-tiám-pòaⁿ chó-iū, thiⁿ khai-sí kng.
Chit tōaⁿ sî-kan, Connie tī bîn-chhn̂g khùn kah chin lo̍h-bîn. M̄-koh, khàn-siú mā bē an-lêng. I kā ke-lam koaiⁿ hó, sûn oân chhiū-nâ, tńg kàu chhù, chia̍h àm-tǹg. M̄-koh i bô khì khùn, chí-sī chē tī hóe piⁿ, teh su-khó.
I siūⁿ tio̍h tī Tevershall ê gín-á sî-tāi, hām i gō͘-la̍k nî ê hun-in seng-oa̍h. I siūⁿ tio̍h in bó͘, chóng-sī khó͘-siap. Yi tō sī chân-khok. Chū-chiôg 1915 nî chhun-thiⁿ i ji̍p-ngó͘, tō m̄-bat koh khòaⁿ tio̍h yi. M̄-koh, yi tòa ê ūi lī i bô 3 mai, pí í-chêng koh-khah chân-khok. I hi-bāng chit sì-lâng mài koh khòⁿ tio̍h yi.
I siūⁿ tio̍h chò-peng tī gōa-kok ê seng-oa̍h. India, Egypt /e.gip/ , koh tńg-lâi India: hām bé chò-hóe, siáⁿ to bián khòaⁿ, bián siūⁿ ê seng-oa̍h: hit ê chiàu-kò͘ i, siū i chun-kèng ê siōng-hāu: hit kúi nî, i sī tiong-ùi kun-koaⁿ, chin ū ki-hōe seng chò siōng-ùi. Āu-lâi, siōng-hāu in-ūi hì-iām lâi sí, i ka-tī mā hiám-hiám sí: i ê sin-thé phah pháiⁿ: i ê chhim-chhim put-an: kap i lī-khui kun-tūi, tńg-lâi England, koh chò chi̍t ê kang-lâng.
I teh sek-èng seng-oa̍h. I jīn-ûi, tī chit ê chhiū-nâ, siōng-bô té-kî lāi, i sī chin an-choân. Iáu bô lâng phah-la̍h: i kan-ta tio̍h chhi̍h thī-ke, iáu bô phah-la̍h ê lâng tio̍h ho̍k-bū. Tî liáu seng-oa̍h, i ko͘-tok chi̍t lâng, che sī i kah-ì só͘ su-iàu ê. I tio̍h ū chi̍t ê khiā-khí ê só͘-chāi. Chia sī i ê kò͘-hiong. In lāu-bú iáu tī chia, sui-jiân tùi i lâi-kóng, yi bô chin iàu-kín. Án-ne i tō ē-tit seng-oa̍h, chi̍t kang kòe chi̍t kang, m̄-bián hām lâng kau-pôe, m̄-bián ū siáⁿ hi-bāng. In-ūi i mā m̄-chai ka-tī chhòng siáⁿ hó.
I m̄-chai ka-tī chhòng-siáⁿ hó. Chū-chiông i chò kúi-nā nî kun-koaⁿ, hām kî-thaⁿ kun-koaⁿ, kong-bū-oân í-kip in ê ka-têng kau-pôe í-lâi, i tō lóng sit-khì "hiòng-chêng" ê iá-sim. Chiū i só͘ bat ê tiong-sán kai-kip kap siōng-liû kai-kip, in lóng chin kāu-sái, koài koh kî ê kāu-sái kap léng-tām bô sèⁿ-miā, che hō͘ i kám-kak sim-hân, mā kám-kak kap in bô sio-kāng.
Só͘-í, i tńg-lâi ka-tī ê kai-kip. Tī chia, koh chhōe tńg-lâi i bô tī lih hit kúi nî só͘ bē-kì-tit ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, hiah-ê ke̍k thó-lâng-ià ê pi-bî kap chho͘-sio̍k ê thāi-tō͘. Taⁿ, i chóng-sǹg sêng-jīn, thāi-tō͘ sī gōa-nī tiōng-iàu. I mā sêng-jīn, sīm-chì ké-kúi bô kòa-ì pòaⁿ sián chîⁿ kap seng-oa̍h tiong ê sió sū-hāng, mā sī gōa-nī tiōng-iàu. M̄-koh tī phó͘-thong lâng tiong-kan m̄-bian ké-sian. Bé ti-bah ê chi̍t sián chîⁿ, pí siu-kái Hok-im koh-khah hāi. Che hō͘ i bô hoat-tō͘ jím-siū.
Iū-koh, mā ū kang-chu ê cheng-gī. Bat seng-oa̍h tī chu-sán kai-kip, i chai-iáⁿ, kî-bāng kái-koat kang-chu cheng-gī sī choa̍t-tùi bô-bāng. Tî liáu sí, he sī bô khó-lêng kái-koat ê. Ûi-it ê tāi-chì tō sī mài koan-sim, mài koan-sim kang-chu gōa-chē.
M̄-koh, lí nā sàn koh lo̍k-phek, lí tio̍h koan-sim. Chóng-sī, in só͘ koan-sim ê kan-ta che niā-niā. Koan-sim chîⁿ tō ká-ná tōa gâm-chèng, kok kai-kip ê lâng lóng khì hō͘ chia̍h khì. I kī-choa̍t koan-sim chîⁿ.
Koh-lâi neh? Tî-liáu koan-sim chîⁿ, sèⁿ-miā iáu ū siáⁿ? Siáⁿ to bô.
M̄-koh, i ē-tàng ko͘-to̍k seng-oa̍h, tām-tām boán-chiok tio̍h ko͘-to̍k, chhi̍h-tōa thī-ke, chòe-āu hō͘ hiah-ê bûi--ko tī chá-tǹg liáu tōaⁿ--sí. Che bô-hāu, bô-hāu kah bô thêng-tō͘.
M̄-koh ná tio̍h koan-sim, ná tio̍h hoân-ló? I lóng bô koan-sim, mā bô hoân-ló, it-ti̍t kàu taⁿ, kàu chit ê cha-bó͘ chìn-ji̍p i ê sèⁿ-miā. I chha-put-to ke yi cha̍p hòe. I ê keng-giām chū té tō pí yi ke chi̍t chheng nî. In ê koan-hē lú lâi lú óa. I khòaⁿ ē chhut, chi̍t kang in ē kat chò-hóe, in tio̍h ài chò-hóe seng-oa̍h. "In-ūi, ài-chêng ê kiat-ha̍p pháiⁿ phah-khui!"
Iah koh-lâi neh? Koh-lâi? I sī m-sī tio̍h khò khang-chhiú koh khái-sí? I sī m̄-sī tio̍h khan-liân chit ê cha-bó͘? I sī m̄-sī tio̍h kap yin pái-kha ang oan-ke? Mā tio̍h kap i ka-tī hit ê oàn-hūn i ê chân-khok ê bó͘ oan-ke? Hiâu-hēng! Ū-kàu hiâu-hēng! I í-keng bô koh siàu-liân koh khin-sang chū-chāi. I mā m̄-sī hit-chióng bô-iu-bô-lū ê lâng. Só͘-ū ê thòng-khó͘ kap ok-to̍k lóng ē siong-hāi tio̍h i: kap hit ê cha-bó͘!
M̄-koh, sīm-chì in pâi-tû Clifford Sià kap i ka-tī ê bó͘, sīm-chì in tit-tio̍h chū-iû, in boeh chhòng-siáⁿ hó? I ka-tī boeh chhòng-siáⁿ? I boeh án-chóaⁿ kòe ka-tī ê seng-oa̍h? I chóng-sī tio̍h chò tāi-chì. I bē-sái kan-ta chò kià-seⁿ-á, khò yi ê chîⁿ kap ka-tī iú-hān ê thóe-hiu kim.
Che bô-kái. I kan-ta ē-tàng siūⁿ tio̍h khì Bí-kok, khì chhì-thàm sin ê khong-khì. I bô siong-sìn bí-kim sī bān-lêng ê. M̄-koh, hoān-sè, hoān-sè iáu ū kî-thaⁿ ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ.
I bô hoat-tō͘ hioh-khùn, mā bô boeh khùn. Tiām-tiām chē leh khó͘-khó͘ su-khó kàu pòaⁿ-mê, i hut-jiân ùi í-á khiā khí-lâi, khì the̍h i ê gōa-thò kap chhèng.
"Kiâⁿ lah, sió-chiá," i kā káu kóng. "Lán siōng-hó sī chhut-khì."
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10.11 她 tō 伊行棋抑耍牌仔
Clifford 有夠健, 會曉想. 伊面色好看, 紅牙, 肩頭闊 koh 勇, 胸崁厚, 已經較有肉. M̄-koh, 同時伊 mā 驚死. Ná 像 tī 佗位, 有一个可怕 ê 空用某種方式 teh 威脅伊, 這个空伊若入去, 伊著會崩落. 有時, 伊感覺無力, 死 ah, 真 ê 死 ah.
所以, 伊彼 phok-phok ê 殕目睭看起來怪怪, 陰沉, 殘忍, 冷酷: 同時 koh ná 足在膽. 這看起來真怪, 這種在膽 ê 表情: ná 像伊毋顧性命去戰贏性命仝款. "Siáng 若知影意志 ê 神秘 -- 因為意志甚至會戰贏天使..."
M̄-koh 伊所恐怖 ê 是, 暗暝伊睏袂去 ê 時. 彼時 tō 真正可怕, 空虛 ùi 四界向伊壓入來. 彼時 tō 真驚心, 存在卻無性命: tī 半暝無命, 卻活著.
M̄-koh, 今伊會使揤鈴仔叫 Bolton Tt, 她 tō 會來. 這是真好 ê 安慰. 她會穿室內睏袍過來, 頭鬃縛著揹 tī 尻脊後, 怪怪 ná 姑娘, 面沉沉, 雖然彼頭鬃 ê 棕色內底插有白毛. 她 tō 會替伊泡 kapi 抑甘菊茶 (camomile tea), 她 tō 和伊行棋抑耍牌仔. 她有查某人所有 ê 奇怪能力, 雖罔有三分 teh 愛睏 mā 真 gâu 行棋, 贏 kah 她信心滿滿. 所以, tī 暗暝 ê 恬靜親密中間, in 坐 leh, 抑是她坐, 伊倒 tī 床, 孤獨 ê 燈火光照著 in, 她強欲睏去, 伊強欲失落 tī 驚惶中, in 耍, 做伙耍 -- koh 來 in 做伙啉 kapi, 食點心, tī 恬恬 ê 暗暝, 無按怎講話, m̄-koh 予兩人攏感覺安祥, 放心.
這暗, 她一直 teh 好奇, 到底 Chatterley Hj ê 契兄是 siáng. 她 mā teh 懷念姻 Ted, 雖然死真久 ah, 對她永遠 tō 無算死 ah. 她想著 Ted ê 時, 彼个對世界 ê 怨恨 koh 夯起來, 尤其是怨恨 hiah-ê 害死姻翁 ê 頭家. 雖然姻翁毋是 in 刣死 ê, m̄-koh tī 感情上, 她認為是. 因為 án-ne, tī 她心肝深深 ê 所在, 她是虛無主義者, 是無政府主義者.
Tī 半睏中間, 她混雜著對 Ted ê 思念和對 Chattrley Hj ê 契兄毋知是 siáng ê 想法, 她感覺, 她和夫人仝款, 對 Clifford Sià 和伊所代表 ê 一切, 攏有大大 ê 怨恨. 彼同時, 她 teh 和伊耍牌仔, 跋輸贏 6-pence. 和爵士耍牌仔予人真滿足, 甚至輸伊 mā 有值.
逐改 in 耍牌仔, in 攏跋錢. Án-ne 予伊袂記得家己. 往往是伊贏. 下暗仝款伊 mā 贏. 所以天未光, 伊袂去睏. 佳哉, tī 四點半左右, 天開始光.
這段時間, Connie tī 眠床睏 kah 真落眠. M̄-koh, 看守 mā 袂安寧. 伊 kā 雞籠關好, 巡完樹林, 轉到厝, 食暗頓. M̄-koh 伊無去睏, 只是坐 tī 火邊, teh 思考.
伊想著 tī Tevershall ê 囡仔時代, 和伊五六年 ê 婚姻生活. 伊想著 in 某, 總是苦澀. 她 tō 是殘酷. 自從 1915 年春天伊入伍, tō m̄-bat koh 看著她. M̄-koh, 她蹛 ê 位離伊無 3 mai, 比以前 koh 較殘酷. 伊希望這世人莫 koh 看著她.
伊想著做兵 tī 外國 ê 生活. India, Egypt /e-gip/ , koh 轉來 India: 和馬做伙, 啥都免看, 免想 ê 生活: 彼个照顧伊, 受伊尊敬 ê 上校: 彼幾年, 伊是中尉軍官, 真有機會升做上尉. 後來, 上校因為肺炎來死, 伊家己 mā 險險死: 伊 ê 身體拍歹: 伊 ê 深深不安: kap 伊離開軍隊, 轉來 England, koh 做一个工人.
伊 teh 適應生活. 伊認為, tī 這个樹林, 上無短期內, 伊是真安全. 猶無人拍獵: 伊干焦著飼雉雞, 猶無拍獵 ê 人著服務. 除了生活, 伊孤獨一人, 這是伊佮意所需要 ê. 伊著有一个徛起 ê 所在. 遮是伊 ê 故鄉. In 老母猶 tī 遮, 雖然對伊來講, 她無真要緊. Án-ne 伊 tō 會得生活, 一工過一工, 毋免和人交陪, 毋免有啥希望. 因為伊 mā 毋知家己創啥好.
伊毋知家己創啥好. 自從伊做幾若年軍官, 和其他軍官, 公務員以及 in ê 家庭交陪以來, 伊 tō 攏失去 "向前" ê 野心. 就伊所 bat ê 中產階級 kap 上流階級, in 攏真厚屎, 怪 koh 奇 ê 厚屎 kap 冷淡無性命, 這予伊感覺心寒, mā 感覺 kap in 無相仝.
所以, 伊轉來家己 ê 階級. Tī 遮, koh 揣轉來伊無 tī lih 彼幾年所袂記得 ê 物件, hiah-ê 極討人厭 ê 卑微 kap 粗俗 ê 態度. 今, 伊總算承認, 態度是 gōa-nī 重要. 伊 mā 承認, 心志假鬼無掛意半仙錢 kap 生活中 ê 小事項, mā 是 gōa-nī 重要. M̄-koh tī 普通人中間毋免假仙. 買豬肉 ê 一仙錢, 比修改福音 koh 較害. 這予伊無法度忍受.
又 koh, mā 有工資 ê 爭議. Bat 生活 tī 資產階級, 伊知影, 期望解決工資爭議是絕對無望. 除了死, 彼是無可能解決 ê. 唯一 ê 代誌 tō 是莫關心, 莫關心工資偌濟.
M̄-koh, 你若散 koh 落魄, 你著關心. 總是, in 所關心 ê 干焦這 niā-niā. 關心錢 tō ká-ná 大癌症, 各階級 ê 人攏去予食去. 伊拒絕關心錢.
Koh 來 neh? 除了關心錢, 性命猶有啥? 啥都無.
M̄-koh, 伊 ē-tàng 孤獨生活, 恬恬滿足著孤獨, 飼大雉雞, 最後予 hiah-ê 肥哥 tī 早頓了彈死. 這無效, 無效 kah 無程度.
M̄-koh 那著關心, 那著煩惱? 伊攏無關心, mā 無煩惱, 一直到今, 到這个查某進入伊 ê 性命. 伊差不多加她十歲. 伊 ê 經驗自底 tō 比她加一千年. In ê 關係 lú 來 lú 倚. 伊看會出, 一工 in 會結做伙, in 著愛做伙生活. "因為, 愛情 ê 結合歹拍開!"
Iah koh 來 neh? Koh 來? 伊是毋是著靠空手 koh 開始? 伊是毋是著牽連這个查某? 伊是毋是著 kap 姻跛跤翁冤家? Mā 著 kap 伊家己彼个怨恨伊 ê 殘酷 ê 某冤家? 僥倖! 有夠僥倖! 伊已經無 koh 少年 koh 輕鬆自在. 伊 mā 毋是彼種無憂無慮 ê 人. 所有 ê 痛苦 kap 惡毒攏會傷害著伊: kap 彼个查某!
M̄-koh, 甚至 in 排除 Clifford Sià kap 伊家己 ê 某, 甚至 in 得著自由, in 欲創啥好? 伊家己欲創啥? 伊欲按怎過家己 ê 生活? 伊總是著做代誌. 伊袂使干焦做寄生仔, 靠她 ê 錢 kap 家己有限 ê 退休金.
這無解. 伊干焦 ē-tàng 想著去美國, 去試探新 ê 空氣. 伊無相信美金是萬能 ê. M̄-koh, 凡勢, 凡勢猶有其他 ê 物件.
伊無法度歇睏, mā 無欲睏. 恬恬坐 leh 苦苦思考到半暝, 伊忽然 ùi 椅仔徛起來, 去提伊 ê 外套 kap 銃.
"行 lah, 小姐," 伊 kā 狗講. "咱上好是出去."
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10.11
Clifford was so healthy, considering. He looked so well and ruddy in the face, his shoulders were broad and strong, his chest deep, he had put on flesh. And yet, at the same time, he was afraid of death. A terrible hollow seemed to menace him somewhere, somehow, a void, and into this void his energy would collapse. Energyless, he felt at times he was dead, really dead.
So his rather prominent pale eyes had a queer look, furtive, and yet a little cruel, so cold: and at the same time, almost impudent. It was a very odd look, this look of impudence: as if he were triumphing over life in spite of life. ‘Who knoweth the mysteries of the will—for it can triumph even against the angels—’
But his dread was the nights when he could not sleep. Then it was awful indeed, when annihilation pressed in on him on every side. Then it was ghastly, to exist without having any life: lifeless, in the night, to exist.
But now he could ring for Mrs Bolton. And she would always come. That was a great comfort. She would come in her dressing gown, with her hair in a plait down her back, curiously girlish and dim, though the brown plait was streaked with grey. And she would make him coffee or camomile tea, and she would play chess or piquet with him. She had a woman’s queer faculty of playing even chess well enough, when she was three parts asleep, well enough to make her worth beating. So, in the silent intimacy of the night, they sat, or she sat and he lay on the bed, with the reading-lamp shedding its solitary light on them, she almost gone in sleep, he almost gone in a sort of fear, and they played, played together—then they had a cup of coffee and a biscuit together, hardly speaking, in the silence of night, but being a reassurance to one another.
And this night she was wondering who Lady Chatterley’s lover was. And she was thinking of her own Ted, so long dead, yet for her never quite dead. And when she thought of him, the old, old grudge against the world rose up, but especially against the masters, that they had killed him. They had not really killed him. Yet, to her, emotionally, they had. And somewhere deep in herself because of it, she was a nihilist, and really anarchic.
In her half-sleep, thoughts of her Ted and thoughts of Lady Chatterley’s unknown lover commingled, and then she felt she shared with the other woman a great grudge against Sir Clifford and all he stood for. At the same time she was playing piquet with him, and they were gambling sixpences. And it was a source of satisfaction to be playing piquet with a baronet, and even losing sixpences to him.
When they played cards, they always gambled. It made him forget himself. And he usually won. Tonight too he was winning. So he would not go to sleep till the first dawn appeared. Luckily it began to appear at half past four or thereabouts.
Connie was in bed, and fast asleep all this time. But the keeper, too, could not rest. He had closed the coops and made his round of the wood, then gone home and eaten supper. But he did not go to bed. Instead he sat by the fire and thought.
He thought of his boyhood in Tevershall, and of his five or six years of married life. He thought of his wife, and always bitterly. She had seemed so brutal. But he had not seen her now since 1915, in the spring when he joined up. Yet there she was, not three miles away, and more brutal than ever. He hoped never to see her again while he lived.
He thought of his life abroad, as a soldier. India, Egypt, then India again: the blind, thoughtless life with the horses: the colonel who had loved him and whom he had loved: the several years that he had been an officer, a lieutenant with a very fair chance of being a captain. Then the death of the colonel from pneumonia, and his own narrow escape from death: his damaged health: his deep restlessness: his leaving the army and coming back to England to be a working man again.
He was temporizing with life. He had thought he would be safe, at least for a time, in this wood. There was no shooting as yet: he had to rear the pheasants. He would have no guns to serve. He would be alone, and apart from life, which was all he wanted. He had to have some sort of a background. And this was his native place. There was even his mother, though she had never meant very much to him. And he could go on in life, existing from day to day, without connexion and without hope. For he did not know what to do with himself.
He did not know what to do with himself. Since he had been an officer for some years, and had mixed among the other officers and civil servants, with their wives and families, he had lost all ambition to ‘get on’. There was a toughness, a curious rubbernecked toughness and unlivingness about the middle and upper classes, as he had known them, which just left him feeling cold and different from them.
So, he had come back to his own class. To find there, what he had forgotten during his absence of years, a pettiness and a vulgarity of manner extremely distasteful. He admitted now at last, how important manner was. He admitted, also, how important it was even TO PRETEND not to care about the halfpence and the small things of life. But among the common people there was no pretence. A penny more or less on the bacon was worse than a change in the Gospel. He could not stand it.
And again, there was the wage-squabble. Having lived among the owning classes, he knew the utter futility of expecting any solution of the wage-squabble. There was no solution, short of death. The only thing was not to care, not to care about the wages.
Yet, if you were poor and wretched you HAD to care. Anyhow, it was becoming the only thing they did care about. The CARE about money was like a great cancer, eating away the individuals of all classes. He refused to CARE about money.
And what then? What did life offer apart from the care of money? Nothing.
Yet he could live alone, in the wan satisfaction of being alone, and raise pheasants to be shot ultimately by fat men after breakfast. It was futility, futility to the NTH power.
But why care, why bother? And he had not cared nor bothered till now, when this woman had come into his life. He was nearly ten years older than she. And he was a thousand years older in experience, starting from the bottom. The connexion between them was growing closer. He could see the day when it would clinch up and they would have to make a life together. ‘For the bonds of love are ill to loose!’
And what then? What then? Must he start again, with nothing to start on? Must he entangle this woman? Must he have the horrible broil with her lame husband? And also some sort of horrible broil with his own brutal wife, who hated him? Misery! Lots of misery! And he was no longer young and merely buoyant. Neither was he the insouciant sort. Every bitterness and every ugliness would hurt him: and the woman!
But even if they got clear of Sir Clifford and of his own wife, even if they got clear, what were they going to do? What was he, himself going to do? What was he going to do with his life? For he must do something. He couldn’t be a mere hanger-on, on her money and his own very small pension.
It was the insoluble. He could only think of going to America, to try a new air. He disbelieved in the dollar utterly. But perhaps, perhaps there was something else.
He could not rest nor even go to bed. After sitting in a stupor of bitter thoughts until midnight, he got suddenly from his chair and reached for his coat and gun.
’Come on, lass,’ he said to the dog. ‘We’re best outside.’
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