10.9 Chit pái lán tâng-chê hó-sè
Taⁿ i mā hiàn-heng ah, i ji̍p-khì yi lāi-bīn ê sî, yi kám-kak tio̍h i thǹg-kng ê sin-khu tah tio̍h yi ê. Ū chi̍t chūn, i tī yi lāi-té tiām-lo̍h, tiùⁿ-tōa koh ka-lún-sún. Koh-lâi i tō khai-sí tāng, ta̍t-kàu kìm bē-tiâu ê ko-tiau, hit sî, yi ê lāi-té ū chi̍t chióng sin-kî ê sóng-khoài chhéⁿ-lâi, tī lāi-bīn bùn. Chi̍t-chūn chi̍t-chūn teh bùn, ná-chhiūⁿ jiû-jiû ê hóe-iām teh iô-tāng, nńg kah ná jiông-mo͘, phiau hiòng siōng kng-liāng ê tiám, bî-miāu ah bî-miāu, tī lāi-té kui-ê kā yi iûⁿ-liáu-liáu. Che tō ná kúi-nā ê cheng teh hiáng, chi̍t-chūn koh chi̍t-chūn, it-ti̍t kàu siōng koân-tiám. Yi tó tio̍h, put-chū-kak tī chòe-āu khin-khin haiⁿ chhut siaⁿ. M̄-koh che siuⁿ kín soah, siuⁿ kín, yi bô hoat-tō͘ iōng ka-tī ê tōng-chok lâi ka-tī kiat-sok. Che bô kāng, bô kāng. Yi bô hoat-tō͘ chhòng siáⁿ. Yi bô hoat-tō͘ kian-tēng lia̍h tiâu i lâi ta̍t-kàu ka-tī ê boán-chiok. Yi kan-ta ē-tàng tán, tán koh tī cheng-sîn siōng haiⁿ, kám-kak i tng-teh tò-thè, tò-thè koh kiu-khì, ti̍t-kàu i ùi yi hia lut-khì, bô--khì, hit ê khó-phà ê sî-khek. Tī yi ê chú-kiong khui-khui koh jiû-nńg, khin-khin ai-kiû ê sî, ná chhiūⁿ hái-éng ē-bīn ê chio̍h-leng (海葵, sea-anemone), ai-kiû i koh ji̍p-lâi, ūi yi lâi ta̍t-sêng chi̍t ê oân-boán. Yi put-chū-kak jia̍t-lia̍t kā khiú tiâu-tiâu, i mā bô chin-chiàⁿ ùi yi hia liu chhut-khì, yi kám-kak i he nńg-nńg ê bah-lúi-á koh tī yi ê lāi-té ngiauh, iōng tio̍h kî-miāu, ū chiat-chàu ê tōng-chok, tī yi lāi-té chhèng khì kî-miāu ê ūn-lu̍t, tiùⁿ-tōa, tiùⁿ-tōa, it-ti̍t kàu kā yi liah-khui ê ì-sek chhiong kah móa-móa. Chū án-ne, koh khai-sí hit-chióng m̄-sī chin-chiàⁿ tōng-chok ê kóng bē-lâi ê tōng-chok, jî-sī tan-sûn chhim-lo̍h ê bah-kám ê kng-lê-á, tī yi ê bah kap ì-sek nih, se̍h kah lú lâi lú chhim, it-ti̍t kàu yi kám-kak yi sī tī e̍k-thé ê tiong-sim tiám, án-ne yi tó tī hia, put-chū-kak kiò-chhut hâm-hô͘ ê haiⁿ siaⁿ. Che sī ùi àm bong-bong ê o͘-iā so͘ hoat-chhut ê siaⁿ, che sī sèⁿ-miā! Hit lâng thiaⁿ tio̍h i ē-bīn che siaⁿ chin kî-miāu, i ê sèⁿ-miā án-ne chōaⁿ tī yi ê hia. Che siaⁿ tiām-khì liáu, i mā thêng ah, tó tī hia bô tín-tāng, bô kám-kak, hit sî yi mā bān-bān pàng-khui lia̍h tio̍h i ê chhiú, tó leh bô tín-tāng. Chū án-ne, in tó leh, siáⁿ lóng m̄-chai, mā hō͘-siong m̄-chai, nn̄g lâng lóng bâng-bâng sit-lo̍h. Chòe-āu, i chhéⁿ lâi, hoat-kak ka-tī bô chhēng-saⁿ, yi mā kám-kak i ê sin-thé pàng-khui ah, bô koh teh-tio̍h yi. I teh boeh khí-lâi, m̄-koh yi ê sim kám-kak, yi put-chún i bô koh khàm yi. I tio̍h án-ne it-ti̍t kā yi khàm tio̍h.
M̄-koh chòe-āu i thiu chhut-lâi, chim yi koh thè yi khàm sin, mā ka-tī chhēng-saⁿ. Yi tó leh, gia̍h ba̍k khòaⁿ chhiū-oe, iàu-koh bô hoat-tō͘ tín-tāng. I khiā leh, kā tè-khò͘ liú hó, sì-ke khòaⁿ-khòaⁿ leh. Sì-ke ba̍t chiuh-chiuh, mā tiām chiuh-chiuh, kan-ta i hit chiah tio̍h-kiaⁿ ê káu, phak leh, nn̄g ki chêng kha-tê khàm tī phîⁿ-á téng. I koh tī chhiū-ki tui chē lo̍h-lâi, tiām-tiām khan tio̍h Connie ê chhiú.
Yi oa̍t-sin, khòaⁿ i. "Chit pái lán tâng-chê hó-sè," i kóng.
Yi bô ìn-siaⁿ.
"Chhiūⁿ án-ne chin hó. Tōa bō͘-hūn lâng chi̍t sì-lâng lóng m̄-chai che," i kóng, kóng kah ná-chhiūⁿ teh bîn-bāng.
Yi khòaⁿ chim-chiok i he iu-kat-kat ê bīn.
"Sī ò͘?" yi kóng. "Lí ū hoaⁿ-hí bô?"
I khòaⁿ tò-tńg yi ê ba̍k-chiu. "Hoaⁿ-hí," i kóng, "Ái, bián kòa-ì." I bô-ài yi kóng che. I àⁿ-sin chim yi, yi kám-kak, i tio̍h án-ne chim yi kú-kú tn̂g-tn̂g.
Chòe-āu, yi chē khí-lâi.
"Chin chió lâng tâng-chē hó-sè sioh?" yi iōng thian-chin ê hòⁿ-kî mn̄g.
"Chin chē lâng m̄-bat ū. Lí khòaⁿ in ba̍k-sek chhâ-chhâ tō chai." I chhìn-chhái kóng-kóng, hoán-hóe ná ē teh kóng che.
"Lí bat hām pa̍t-kóa cha-bó͘ án-ne hó-sè bô?"
I khòaⁿ yi, kám-kak hó-chhiò.
"Góa m̄-chai," i kóng, "góa m̄-chai."
Án-ne, yi chai, i nā m̄ kā kóng ê ōe, i éng-oán to bē kā kóng. Yi khòaⁿ i ê bīn, pak-lāi kún-ká tio̍h tùi i ê jia̍t-chêng, m̄-koh yi chīn-liōng kā ah leh, in-ūi he hō͘ yi kám-kak bê-sit.
I kā kah-á kap gōa-thò chhēng hó, khui chi̍t ê thong kàu sió-lō͘ ê chhut-kháu.
Lo̍h-ji̍t chòe-āu ê kng-sòaⁿ chiò kàu chhiū-nâ. "Góa bô sàng lí ah," i kóng; "siōng hó sī mài."
Oa̍t-sin chìn-chêng, yi jia̍t-chhiat khòaⁿ i. I ê káu tán kah bô nāi-hoân boeh khí-kiâⁿ, i khòaⁿ khí-lâi ká-ná bô siáⁿ ōe hó kóng. Bô siáⁿ lah.
Connie bān-bān tńg-khì, hoat-kak ū kî-thaⁿ ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ tī yi sin-khu. Lēng-gōa chi̍t ê ka-tī oa̍h tī yi lāi-bīn, tī yi ê chú-kiong kap pak-tó͘ nih iûⁿ-iûⁿ, jiû-jiû teh sio, in-ūi chit ê ka-tī, yi chông-pài i. Yi chông-pài i, chông-pài kah kha bô la̍t thang kiâⁿ-lō͘. Tī yi ê chú-kiong kap pak-tó͘, yi teh liû-tāng, oa̍h tio̍h, lám-lám, ná siōng thian-chin ê cha-bó͘ án-ne put-chū-kak chông-pài i. He kám-kak ná sī chi̍t ê gín-á, yi án-ne ka-tī kóng, he kám-kak ná sī chi̍t ê gín-á tī góa sin-khu. He tō-sī án-ne, tō ná yi he it-ti̍t koaiⁿ tio̍h ê chú-kiong í-keng khui ah, chhiong-móa sin ê sèⁿ-miā, sui-jiân sī hū-tam, m̄-koh chin bí-miāu.
"Góa nā ū chi̍t ê gín-á tō hó lah!" yi ka-tī siūⁿ; "góa ná ū i ê gín-á tī góa lāi-bīn!" -- siūⁿ tio̍h che, yi sù-ki bô-la̍t, yi bêng-pia̍t ū ka-tī ê gín-á kap ū lí só͘ ài-tio̍h ê lâng ê gín-á, che sī ū chin tōa ê chha-pia̍t. Thâu chi̍t chióng chêng-hêng sī phó͘-thong: m̄-koh ū só͘ ài ê lâng ê gín-á tī chú-kiong kap pak-tó͘ té, hō͘ yi kám-kak, yi kap kū ê ka-tī chin bô kāng, ká-ná yi chhim-chhim tîm-chùi tī cha-bó͘-lâng sin-hūn ê tiong-sim kap tîm-chùi tī chhòng-chō ê sio-khùn.
Hō͘ yi kám-kak sin-kî ê m̄-sī jia̍t-chêng, sī jia̍t-chhiat ê chông-pài. Yi chai, yi it-ti̍t chin kiaⁿ che, in-ūi che hō͘ yi chin bô-chō͘; yi iáu sī kiaⁿ che, bián-tit yi siuⁿ-kòe chông-pài i, soah sit-lo̍h ka-tī, húi-pāi ka-tī, yi bô-ài pī húi-pāi, bô-ài chò lô͘-lē, ná bī-khai-hóa ê cha-bó͘ án-ne. Yi bē-sái chò lô͘-lē. Yi kiaⁿ yi ê chông-pài, m̄-koh yi bô boeh li̍p-khek tùi-khòng he. Yi chai, yi ē-sái tùi-kòng he. Tī yi ê sim-nih, yi ū chū-ngó͘ ì-chì ê ok-mô͘, he ē-tàng tùi-khòng só͘-ū yi chú-kiong nih chiām-chiām piàn tōa ê un-jiû chông-pài, kā he húi-tiāu. Yi sīm-chì taⁿ tō ē-sái chò, yi ka-tī án-ne jīn-ûi, án-ne yi tō ē-tàng chiàu ka-tī ê ì-chì khòng-chè yi ê jia̍t-chêng.
Ah, sī ah, jia̍t-chêng tō ná chi̍t-ê Roma sî-tāi ê Chiú-sîn Chè-si (Bacchante), tī chhiū-nâ nih cháu-chông boeh chhōe Iacchos, kim-sih-sih ê hit-ki (phallos), he bô to̍k-li̍p ê jîn-keh, sûn-jiân sī sîn sàng hō͘ cha-bó͘-lâng ê lô͘-po̍k! M̄-thang hō͘ cha-po͘, hit lâng, lâi chhim-hoān. I put-kò sī sîn ê lô͘-po̍k, sī kòa tio̍h koh pó-koán kim-sih-sih hit-ki ê lâng, i sī sio̍k-tī yi.
Só͘-í, tī sin ê kak-chéⁿ tiong-kan, kū ê kian-ko͘ ê jia̍t-chêng tī yi sim-nih koh hiâⁿ-to̍h chi̍t-ē-á, cha-po͘-lâng tō sok-sió chiâⁿ chi̍t ê pī khì-hiâm ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, chí sī chi̍t-ê kòa lān-chiáu ê lâng, tī oân-sêng ho̍k-bū liáu, ē-sái kā liah iù-iù. Yi kám-kak sù-ki kap sin-thé ū Chiú-sîn Chè-si ê le̍k-liōng, tō-sī hoat-kng, kín kha-chhiú koh phah-tó cha-po͘ ê hit ê cha-bó͘; m̄-koh án-ne kám-kak ê sî, yi ê sim tîm-tāng. Yi bô-ài che, che ta̍k-ê chai, che pha-hng, bē seⁿ-io̍k; chông-pài chiah sī yi ê pó-pòe.
Chông-pài nńg koh chhim, bô lâng chai he té ū gōa chhim. M̄, m̄, yi boeh hòng-khì yi kian-kò͘ kng-liāng ê lú-sèng khoân-lī; he hō͘ yi thiám koh ngē-chiaⁿ; yi boeh chìm tī sin sèⁿ-miā ê chúi, tī yi chú-kiong kap pak-tó͘ ê chhim ūi, chhiùⁿ chông-pài ê bô-siaⁿ ê koa. Taⁿ iáu chá, iáu bián kiaⁿ hit ê cha-po͘.
"Góa kiâⁿ khì Marehay, tī hia kap Flint Tt lim-tê," yi kā Clifford kóng. "Góa sī siūⁿ boeh khòaⁿ gín-á. Chiâⁿ hông him-siān, thâu-mo͘ ná âng ti-tu-si. Chiâⁿ khó-ài! Flint Ss khì chhī-tiûⁿ, só͘-í yi kap góa hām gín-á lim-tê. Lí kám chai góa khì toh?"
"Hm, góa m̄-chai, m̄-koh góa ioh lí eng-kai sī tī tó-ūi lim-tê," Clifford sng-sng kóng. Chai-iáⁿ liáu, i kám-kak Connie ká-ná ū siáⁿ bô-kāng, ū i bô hoat-tō͘ liáu-kái ê siáⁿ, m̄-koh i kā khòaⁿ-chò sī in-ūi hit ê gín-á. I siūⁿ, Connie ê khó͘-náu oân-choân sī in-ūi bô gín-ná, iā-tō-sī bô hat-tō͘ chū-chū jiân-jiân tō tit-tio̍h chi̍t ê gín-á.
"Góa khòaⁿ tio̍h lí kiâⁿ kòe hoe-hn̂g, chhut thih-mn̂g, Hu-jîn," Bolton Tt kóng; "Só͘-í góa siūⁿ-kóng hoān-sè lí khì Bo̍k-su in tau."
"Góa hiám-á tō khì hia, m̄-koh góa kái khì Marehay."
--
10.9 這擺咱同齊好勢
今伊 mā 現胸 ah, 伊入去她內底 ê 時, 她感覺著伊褪光 ê 身軀貼著她 ê. 有一陣, 伊 tī 她內底恬落, 脹大 koh ka-lún-sún. Koh 來, 伊 tō 開始動, 達到禁袂牢 ê 高潮, 彼時, 她 ê 內底有一種新奇 ê 爽快醒來, tī 內面濆. 一陣一陣 teh 濆, ná 像柔柔 ê 火焰 teh 搖動, 軟 kah ná 絨毛, 飄向上光亮 ê 點, 微妙 ah 微妙, tī 內底規个 kā 她溶了了. 這 tō ná 幾若个鐘 teh 響, 一陣 koh 一陣, 一直到上懸點. 她倒著, 不自覺 tī 最後輕輕 haiⁿ 出聲. M̄-koh 這 siuⁿ 緊煞, siuⁿ 緊, 她無法度用家己 ê 動作來家己結束. 這無仝, 無仝. 她無法度創啥. 她無法度堅定掠牢伊來達到家己 ê 滿足. 她干焦 ē-tàng 等, 等 koh tī 精神上 haiⁿ , 感覺伊當 teh 倒退, 倒退 koh 勼去, 直到伊 ùi 她遐 lut 去, 無--去, 彼个可怕 ê 時刻. Tī 她 ê 子宮開開 koh 柔軟, 輕輕哀求 ê 時, ná 像海湧下面 ê 石奶 (海葵, sea-anemone), 哀求伊 koh 入來, 為她來達成一个完滿. 她不自覺熱烈 kā 搝牢牢, 伊 mā 無真正 ùi 她遐溜出去, 她感覺伊彼軟軟 ê 肉蕾仔 koh tī 她 ê 內底 ngiauh, 用著奇妙, 有節奏 ê 動作, tī 她內底衝起奇妙 ê 韻律, 脹大, 一直到 kā 她裂開 ê 意識充 kah 滿滿. 自 án-ne, koh 開始彼種毋是真正動作 ê 講袂來 ê 動作, 而是單純深落 ê 肉感 ê 卷螺仔, tī 她 ê 肉 kap 意識 nih, 踅 kah lú 來 lú 深, 一直到她感覺她是 tī 液體 ê 中心點, án-ne 她倒 tī 遐, 不自覺叫出含糊 ê haiⁿ 聲. 這是 ùi 暗摸摸 ê 烏夜所發出 ê 聲, 這是性命! 彼人聽著伊下面 che 聲真奇妙, 伊 ê 性命 án-ne 濺 tī 她 ê 遐. Che 聲恬去了, 伊 mā 停 ah, 倒 tī 遐無振動, 無感覺, 彼時她 mā 慢慢放開掠著伊 ê 手, 倒 leh 無振動. 自 án-ne, in 倒 leh, 啥攏毋知, mā 互相毋知, 兩人攏茫茫失落. 最後, 伊醒來, 發覺家己無穿衫, 她 mā 感覺伊 ê 身體放開 ah, 無 koh 硩著她. 他 teh 欲起來, m̄-koh 她 ê 心感覺, 她不准伊無 koh 崁她. 伊著 án-ne 一直 kā 她崁著.
M̄-koh 最後伊抽出來, 唚她 koh 替她崁身, mā 家己穿衫. 她倒 leh, 攑目看樹椏, 猶 koh 無法度振動. 伊徛 leh, kā 短褲鈕好, 四界看看 leh. 四界 ba̍t chiuh-chiuh, mā 恬 chiuh-chiuh, 干焦伊彼隻著驚 ê 狗, 覆 leh, 兩支前跤蹄崁 tī 鼻仔頂. 伊 koh tī 樹枝堆坐落來, 恬恬牽著 Connie ê 手.
她越身, 看伊. "這擺咱同齊好勢," 伊講.
她無應聲.
"像 án-ne 真好. 大部份人一世人毋知這," 伊講, 講 kah ná 像 teh 眠夢.
她看斟酌伊彼憂結結 ê 面.
"是 ò͘?" 她講. "你有歡喜無?"
伊看倒轉她 ê 目睭. "歡喜," 伊講, "Ái, 免掛意." 伊無愛她講這. 伊 àⁿ 身唚她, 她感覺, 伊著 án-ne 唚她久久長長.
最後, 她坐起來.
"真久少同齊好勢 sioh?" 她用天真 ê 好奇問.
"真濟人 m̄-bat 有. 你看 in 目色柴柴 tō 知." 伊凊彩講講, 反悔那會 teh 講這.
"你 bat 和別寡查某 án-ne 好勢無?"
伊看她, 感覺好笑.
"我毋知," 伊講, "我毋知."
Án-ne, 她知, 伊若毋 kā 講 ê 話, 伊永遠都袂 kā 講. 她看伊 ê 面, 腹內滾絞著對伊 ê 熱情, m̄-koh 她盡量 kā 壓 leh, 因為彼予她感覺迷失.
伊 kā 䘥仔 kap 外套穿好, 開一个通到小路 ê 出口.
落日最後 ê 光線照到樹林. "我無送你 ah," 伊講; "上好是莫."
越身進前, 她熱切看伊. 伊 ê 狗等 kah 無耐煩欲起行, 伊看起來 ká-ná 無啥話好講. 無啥 lah.
Connie 慢慢轉去, 發覺有其他 ê 物件 tī 她身軀. 另外一个家己活 tī 她內面, tī 她 ê 子宮 kap 腹肚 nih 熔熔, 柔柔 teh 燒, 因為這个家己, 她崇拜伊. 她崇拜伊, 崇拜 kah 跤無力通行路. Tī 她 ê 子宮 kap 腹肚, 她 teh 流動, 活著, 荏荏, ná siōng 天真 ê 查某 án-ne 不自覺崇拜伊. 彼感覺 ná 是一个囡仔, 她 án-ne 家己講, 彼感覺 ná 是一个囡仔 tī 我身軀. 彼 tō 是 án-ne, tō ná 她彼一直關著 ê 子宮已經開 ah, 充滿新 ê 性命, 雖然是負擔, m̄-koh 真美妙.
"我若有一个囡仔 tō 好 lah!" 她家己想; "我 ná 有伊 ê 囡仔 tī 我內面!" -- 想著這, 她四肢無力, 她明白有家己 ê 囡仔 kap 有你所愛著 ê 人 ê 囡仔, 這是有真大 ê 差別. 頭一種情形是普通: m̄-koh 有所愛 ê 人 ê 囡仔 tī 子宮 kap 腹肚底, 予她感覺, 她 kap 舊 ê 家己真無仝, ká-ná 她深深沉醉 tī 查某人身份 ê 中心 kap 沉醉 tī 創造 ê 相睏.
予她感覺新奇 ê 毋是熱情, 是熱情 ê 崇拜. 她知, 她一直真驚這, 因為這予她真無助; 她猶是驚這, 免得她 siuⁿ 過崇拜伊, 煞失落家己, 她無愛被毁敗, 無愛做奴隷, ná 未開化 ê 查某 án-ne. 她袂使做奴隷. 她驚她 ê 崇拜, m̄-koh 她無欲立刻對抗彼. 她知, 她會使對抗彼. Tī 她 ê 心 nih, 她有自我意志 ê 惡魔, 彼 ē-tàng 對抗所有她子宮 nih 漸漸變大 ê 溫柔崇拜, kā 彼毀掉. 她甚至今 tō 會使做, 她家己 án-ne 認為, án-ne 她 tō ē-tàng 照家己 ê 意志控制她 ê 熱情.
Ah, 是 ah, 熱情 tō ná 一个 Roma 時代 ê 酒神祭司 (Bacchante), tī 樹林 nih 走傱欲揣 Iacchos, 金爍爍 ê 彼支 (phallos), 彼無獨立 ê 人格, 純然是神送予查某人 ê 奴僕! 毋通予查埔, 彼人, 來侵犯. 伊不過是神 ê 奴僕, 是掛著 koh 保管金爍爍彼支 ê 人, 伊是屬 tī 她.
所以, tī 新 ê 覺醒中間, 舊 ê 堅固 ê 熱情 tī 她心 nih koh 燃 to̍h 一下仔, 查埔人 tō 縮小 chiâⁿ 一个被棄嫌 ê 物件, 只是一个掛 lān-chiáu ê 人, tī 完成服務了, 會使 kā liah 幼幼. 她感覺四肢 kap 身體有酒神祭司 ê 力量, tō 是發光, 緊跤手 koh 拍倒查埔 ê 彼个查某; m̄-koh án-ne 感覺 ê 時, 她 ê 心沉重. 她無愛這, 這逐个知, 這拋荒, 袂生育; 崇拜才是她 ê 寶貝.
崇拜軟 koh 深, 無人知彼底有偌深. 毋, 毋, 她欲放棄她堅固光亮 ê 女性權利; 彼予她忝 koh 硬 chiaⁿ; 她欲浸 tī 新性命 ê 水, tī 她子宮 kap 腹肚 ê 深位, 唱崇拜 ê 無聲 ê 歌. 今猶免驚彼个查埔.
"我行去 Marehay, ti 遐 kap Flint Tt 啉茶," 她 kā Clifford 講. "我是想欲看囡仔. 誠 hông 欣羨, 頭毛 ná 紅蜘蛛絲. 誠可愛! Flint Ss 去市場, 所以她 kap 我和囡仔啉茶. 你敢知我去佗?"
"Hm, 我毋知, m̄-koh 我臆你應該是 tī 佗位啉茶," Clifford 酸酸講. 知影了, 伊感覺 Connie ká-ná 有啥無仝, 有伊無法度了解 ê 啥, m̄-koh 伊 kā 看做是因為彼个囡仔. 伊想, Connie ê 苦惱完全是因為無囡仔, 也 tō 是無法度自自然然 tō 得著一个囡仔.
"我看著你行過花園, 出鐵門, 夫人," Bolton Tt 講; "所以我想講凡勢你去牧師 in 兜."
"我險仔 tō 去遐, m̄-koh 我改去 Marehay."
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10.9
He too had bared the front part of his body and she felt his naked flesh against her as he came into her. For a moment he was still inside her, turgid there and quivering. Then as he began to move, in the sudden helpless orgasm, there awoke in her new strange thrills rippling inside her. Rippling, rippling, rippling, like a flapping overlapping of soft flames, soft as feathers, running to points of brilliance, exquisite, exquisite and melting her all molten inside. It was like bells rippling up and up to a culmination. She lay unconscious of the wild little cries she uttered at the last. But it was over too soon, too soon, and she could no longer force her own conclusion with her own activity. This was different, different. She could do nothing. She could no longer harden and grip for her own satisfaction upon him. She could only wait, wait and moan in spirit as she felt him withdrawing, withdrawing and contracting, coming to the terrible moment when he would slip out of her and be gone. Whilst all her womb was open and soft, and softly clamouring, like a sea-anemone under the tide, clamouring for him to come in again and make a fulfilment for her. She clung to him unconscious in passion, and he never quite slipped from her, and she felt the soft bud of him within her stirring, and strange rhythms flushing up into her with a strange rhythmic growing motion, swelling and swelling till it filled all her cleaving consciousness, and then began again the unspeakable motion that was not really motion, but pure deepening whirlpools of sensation swirling deeper and deeper through all her tissue and consciousness, till she was one perfect concentric fluid of feeling, and she lay there crying in unconscious inarticulate cries. The voice out of the uttermost night, the life! The man heard it beneath him with a kind of awe, as his life sprang out into her. And as it subsided, he subsided too and lay utterly still, unknowing, while her grip on him slowly relaxed, and she lay inert. And they lay and knew nothing, not even of each other, both lost. Till at last he began to rouse and become aware of his defenceless nakedness, and she was aware that his body was loosening its clasp on her. He was coming apart; but in her breast she felt she could not bear him to leave her uncovered. He must cover her now for ever.
But he drew away at last, and kissed her and covered her over, and began to cover himself. She lay looking up to the boughs of the tree, unable as yet to move. He stood and fastened up his breeches, looking round. All was dense and silent, save for the awed dog that lay with its paws against its nose. He sat down again on the brushwood and took Connie’s hand in silence.
She turned and looked at him. ‘We came off together that time,’ he said.
She did not answer.
’It’s good when it’s like that. Most folks live their lives through and they never know it,’ he said, speaking rather dreamily.
She looked into his brooding face.
’Do they?’ she said. ‘Are you glad?’
He looked back into her eyes. ‘Glad,’ he said, ‘Ay, but never mind.’ He did not want her to talk. And he bent over her and kissed her, and she felt, so he must kiss her for ever.
At last she sat up.
’Don’t people often come off together?’ she asked with naive curiosity.
’A good many of them never. You can see by the raw look of them.’ He spoke unwittingly, regretting he had begun.
’Have you come off like that with other women?’
He looked at her amused.
’I don’t know,’ he said, ‘I don’t know.’
And she knew he would never tell her anything he didn’t want to tell her. She watched his face, and the passion for him moved in her bowels. She resisted it as far as she could, for it was the loss of herself to herself.
He put on his waistcoat and his coat, and pushed a way through to the path again.
The last level rays of the sun touched the wood. ‘I won’t come with you,’ he said; ‘better not.’
She looked at him wistfully before she turned. His dog was waiting so anxiously for him to go, and he seemed to have nothing whatever to say. Nothing left.
Connie went slowly home, realizing the depth of the other thing in her. Another self was alive in her, burning molten and soft in her womb and bowels, and with this self she adored him. She adored him till her knees were weak as she walked. In her womb and bowels she was flowing and alive now and vulnerable, and helpless in adoration of him as the most naive woman. It feels like a child, she said to herself it feels like a child in me. And so it did, as if her womb, that had always been shut, had opened and filled with new life, almost a burden, yet lovely.
’If I had a child!’ she thought to herself; ‘if I had him inside me as a child!’—and her limbs turned molten at the thought, and she realized the immense difference between having a child to oneself and having a child to a man whom one’s bowels yearned towards. The former seemed in a sense ordinary: but to have a child to a man whom one adored in one’s bowels and one’s womb, it made her feel she was very different from her old self and as if she was sinking deep, deep to the centre of all womanhood and the sleep of creation.
It was not the passion that was new to her, it was the yearning adoration. She knew she had always feared it, for it left her helpless; she feared it still, lest if she adored him too much, then she would lose herself become effaced, and she did not want to be effaced, a slave, like a savage woman. She must not become a slave. She feared her adoration, yet she would not at once fight against it. She knew she could fight it. She had a devil of self-will in her breast that could have fought the full soft heaving adoration of her womb and crushed it. She could even now do it, or she thought so, and she could then take up her passion with her own will.
Ah yes, to be passionate like a Bacchante, like a Bacchanal fleeing through the woods, to call on Iacchos, the bright phallos that had no independent personality behind it, but was pure god-servant to the woman! The man, the individual, let him not dare intrude. He was but a temple-servant, the bearer and keeper of the bright phallos, her own.
So, in the flux of new awakening, the old hard passion flamed in her for a time, and the man dwindled to a contemptible object, the mere phallos-bearer, to be torn to pieces when his service was performed. She felt the force of the Bacchae in her limbs and her body, the woman gleaming and rapid, beating down the male; but while she felt this, her heart was heavy. She did not want it, it was known and barren, birthless; the adoration was her treasure.
It was so fathomless, so soft, so deep and so unknown. No, no, she would give up her hard bright female power; she was weary of it, stiffened with it; she would sink in the new bath of life, in the depths of her womb and her bowels that sang the voiceless song of adoration. It was early yet to begin to fear the man.
’I walked over by Marehay, and I had tea with Mrs Flint,’ she said to Clifford. ‘I wanted to see the baby. It’s so adorable, with hair like red cobwebs. Such a dear! Mr Flint had gone to market, so she and I and the baby had tea together. Did you wonder where I was?’
’Well, I wondered, but I guessed you had dropped in somewhere to tea,’ said Clifford jealously. With a sort of second sight he sensed something new in her, something to him quite incomprehensible, but he ascribed it to the baby. He thought that all that ailed Connie was that she did not have a baby, automatically bring one forth, so to speak.
’I saw you go across the park to the iron gate, my Lady,’ said Mrs Bolton; ‘so I thought perhaps you’d called at the Rectory.’
’I nearly did, then I turned towards Marehay instead.’
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