7.6 Chin kín yi tō chai-iáⁿ án-chóaⁿ koán-kò͘ i
"Ai-ah, sī ah, bô m̄-tio̍h, án-ne ē kā Chatterley Hj thiám--sí! Ka-chài yin a-chí lâi tàu saⁿ-kāng. Cha-po͘-lâng bē-hiáu siūⁿ, m̄-koán sin-hūn koân a̍h kē, chóng-sī jīn-ûi cha-bó͘ thè in chò sī eng-kái. Oh, chiah-ê ōe góa í-keng kā khòng-kang kóng chē-chē pái ah lah. M̄-koh che tùi Clifford Sià chin khùn-lān, lí chai, i siang-kha put-sūi. In pún sī chū-chun ê ka-cho̍k, koân-koân chāi-siōng, che mā-sī in ê khoân-lī. Taⁿ soah siū tio̍h chit-khoán táⁿ-kek! Che hō͘ Chatterley Hj chin kan-lân, hoān-sè yi siū ê táⁿ-kek khah tōa. Yi sit khì gōa chē ah! Góa kan-ta ū Ted 3 nî, láu-si̍t kóng, hit 3 nî hō͘ góa it-seng lân-bōng. Chi̍t chheng ê chhōe bô chi̍t ê chhiūⁿ i, kong-bêng, chhàn-lān. Siáng siūⁿ ē-kàu i ē tio̍h chai-eh? Kàu taⁿ, góa iáu m̄-káⁿ siong-sìn, góa it-ti̍t m̄ siong-sìn, sui-bóng góa chhin chhiú sé i ê si-thé. Chāi góa, i pēng bô sí, i m̄-bat sí. Góa m̄ sêng-jīn i í-keng sí ah."
Tī Wragby, chiah-ê ōe chin sin-kî, Connie í-chêng m̄-bat thiaⁿ kòe; che hō͘ yi thiaⁿ kah chin chhù-bī.
Tī thâu chi̍t lé-pài hit kha-tau, Bolton Tt tī Wragby chin tiām-chēng, yi bô piáu-hiān chhut chū-sìn, chiàm-tōa ê pún-sèng, sió-khóa ē kín-tiuⁿ. Bīn-tùi Clifford, yi ē pháiⁿ-sè, kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ, tiām-tiām. Clifford kah-ì yi án-ne, hō͘ i kám-kak ū ui-giâm, tō chāi yi thè i chhú-lí tāi-chì, mā bē bô chū-chāi.
"Yi sī chin hó-iōng ê sió chut-á!" Clifford kóng. Connie ba̍k-chiu tián tōa, kám-kak kî-koài, m̄-koh yi bô ìn-chhùi. Nn̄g lâng ê khòaⁿ-hoat chha chiâⁿ chē!
Bô kú, Clifford tùi chit ê hō͘-sū ê thāi-tō͘ tō ná ông-iâ. Che, Bolton Tt ka-tī chá tō ū liāu tio̍h, m̄-koh Clifford sī put-ti put-kak án-ne chò. Pa̍t-lâng túi lán ê khòaⁿ-hoat, lán lóng chin bín-kám! Khòng-kang tō ná gín-á leh, yi teh kā in pau se-pò͘ a̍h chò hō͘-lí ê sî, in ē kap yi kóng-ōe, kā kóng tó-ūi thiàⁿ. In chóng-sī hō͘ yi kám-kak ka-tī chin ko-kùi, sī hō͘-lí kài ê chhiau-jîn. Taⁿ Clifford hō͘ yi kám-kak chiok bî-sió, tō ná chi̍t ê lú-po̍k, che yi mā tiām-tiām chiap-siū, tiâu-chéng ka-tī lâi bīn-tùi siōng-liû kai-kip.
Yi chin tiām-chēng, bīn-bô͘ tn̂g-tn̂g, hó-khòaⁿ, ba̍k-chiu chóng-sī khòaⁿ ē-bīn, án-ne lâi ho̍k-sāi i. Yi kóng-ōe chóng-sī khiam-hi: "Taⁿ, góa ē-sái chò che bô, Clifford Sià? Ē-sái chò he bô?"
"Bián, bān-chhiáⁿ chò. Liâm-mi chiah kiò lí chò."
"Sī ah, Clifford Sià."
"Kòe pòaⁿ tiám-cheng chiah koh lâi."
"Sī ah, Clifford Sià."
"Hiah-ê kū pò-chóa kā the̍h chhut-khì, hó-m̄?"
"Sī ah, Clifford Sià."
Yi khin-khin lī-khui, pòaⁿ tiám-cheng liáu, koh khin-khin lâi. Án-ne hông chhe-sái, m̄-koh yi bô kòa-ì. Yi tng teh sek-èng siōng-liû kai-kip ê lâng. Yi bô bāi-oàn, mā bô thó-ià Clifford; i chí-sī piáu-hiān in siōng-liû kai-kip ê hiān-siōng, che yi chū-lâi m̄ bat, taⁿ tō boeh bat in ah. Yi kám-kak Chatterley Hj khah hó chò-hóe, chóng--sī, ka-têng nih lú chú-lâng siōng iáu-kín.
Bolton Tt àm-sî tio̍h an-tah Clifford chiūⁿ-chhn̂g, yi khùn tī cháu-lông tùi-bīn ê pâng-keng, pòaⁿ-mê i nā chhi̍h lêng-á, yi tio̍h lâi. Chá-khí yi mā tio̍h an-tah i, bô kú tio̍h koh pang i sé-tn̄g, chhēng-chhah, sīm-chì iōng yi he cha-bó͘ lâng un-jiû, thé-thiap ê hong-sek, thè i khau chhùi-chhiu. Yi chin gâu, chin khiàng, chin kín yi tō chai-iáⁿ án-chóaⁿ koán-kò͘ i lah. Chóng--sī, tng lí tī i ē-hâi bòa sap-bûn pho͘, jiû-jiû lù i he ngē-ngē ê chhùi-chhiu ê sî, i kap khòng-kang pēng bô siáⁿ-mih chha-pia̍t. I ê chū-tāi kap bô sêng-khún bē hō͘ yi kòa-ì; yi tng teh tit-tio̍h sin ê keng-giām.
Put-jî-kò, iú-koan Connie kā an-tah i ê khang-khòe kau hō͘ chi̍t ê chhiàⁿ-lâi ê chheⁿ-hūn cha-bó͘, Clifford sim-lāi bē goān-liōng yi. I kā ka-tī kóng: che hāi sí liáu i kap yi tiong-kan chhin-bi̍t ê hoe-lúi. M̄-koh Connie bô kòa-ì che. In tiong-kan ê chhin-bi̍t hoe-lúi tō ná kià-seⁿ tī yi ê sèⁿ-miā chhiū ê lân-hoe, án-ne seⁿ chhut-lâi ê, chāi yi khòaⁿ, put-kò sī chi̍t lúi li-li-lak-lak ê hoe.
Taⁿ, yi khah chū-iû ah, ē-sái tī ka-tī pâng-keng khin-sang tôaⁿ-khîm, chhiùⁿ-koa: "M̄-thang bong he chhih-á, in-ūi ài ê sok-pa̍k pháiⁿ pak-khui." It-ti̍t kàu chòe-kīn yi chiah chai, he ài ê sok-pa̍k sī gōa-nī pháiⁿ pak-khui. Kám-siā Thiⁿ, yi í-keng kā he pak-khui lah! Yi chiâⁿ hoaⁿ-hí ē-tàng ko͘-to̍k chi̍t lâng, m̄-bián tio̍h it-ti̍t kap i kóng-ōe. Tng i ka-tī chi̍t lâng ê sî, i iōng phah-jī-ki tap-tap-tap phah-jī, phah bô thêng. M̄-koh i nā bô teh "kang-chok", yi nā tī hia, i tō kóng-ōe, it-ti̍t kóng; put-toān hun-sek kok-chióng lâng kap tōng-ki, kap in-kó, kò-sèng, kap phín-keh, it-ti̍t kàu yi tòng bē-tiâu. Chêng kúi nî, yi chin kah-ì thiaⁿ, taⁿ yi ū-kàu ah, hut-jiân-kan soah siuⁿ chē lah. Taⁿ, yi chin kám-un, yi ē-tàng koh ka-tī chi̍t lâng lah.
He tō ná-chhiūⁿ in nn̄g lâng ê sim-lêng nih ū chhian-chhian bān-bān ê kin kap sòaⁿ ká chò-hóe, piàn chò chi̍t kiû, bô hoat-tō͘ koh ke-lo̍h, chhiū-châng chiām-chiām teh sí. Taⁿ, yi tng-teh chēng-chēng, sè-jī kā nn̄g lâng sim-lêng ê kat-kiû tháu khui, chi̍t tiâu chi̍t tiâu khin-khin pàng sang sòaⁿ kat, tio̍h ū nāi-sim, koh kóaⁿ-kín, thang tit-tio̍h tháu-pàng. M̄-koh chit-chióng ài ê sok-pa̍k pí pa̍t-khoán sok-pa̍k khah pháiⁿ tháu; sui-bóng Bolton Tt lâi sī chin tōa ê pang-chān.
M̄-koh, Clifford iáu sī ài tī ám-sî hām Connie ū chhin-bi̍t ê kau-tâm: kóng-ōe a̍h-sī chhut-siaⁿ tha̍k-chheh. Tān-sī, Connie hoan-hù Bolton Tt tī 10 tiám lâi, án-ne yi tō ē-tàng chiūⁿ-lâu, ko͘-ko͘ ka-tī chi̍t lâng. Clifford kau hō͘ Bolton Tt tō ē-sái lah.
Bolton Tt hām Betts Tt tī koan-ke ê pâng-keng chia̍h-pn̄g, án-ne in lóng lī-piān. Chin kî-koài, taⁿ ka-po̍k ê só͘-chāi ká-ná piàn khah kīn ah; í-keng lâi kàu Clifford chheh-pâng ê mn̄g-kháu, í-chêng in lóng lī chin hn̄g. In-ūi, Betts Tt ū-sî ē lâi Bolton ê pâng-keng chē, Connie thiaⁿ ē-tio̍h in ah kē ê kóng-ōe siaⁿ, kan-ta yi kap Clifford nn̄g-lâng chò-hóe ê sî, yi kám-kak ná chhiūⁿ lô-tōng kai-kip ê kian-kiông kap chùn-tāng iw-keng chhim-ji̍p in ê khí-ki-sek. Kan-ta Bolton Tt lâi, Wragby í-keng piàn chiâⁿ chē.
Connie kám-kak ka-tī kái-thoat lah, sè-kài bô kāng lah, chhoán ê khùi mā bô kāng lah. M̄-koh yi iáu-sī hoân-ló, yi iáu ū chē-chē kin, ná sī tō-tek ê kin, iáu ká tī Clifford hia. M̄-koh, yi chhoán-khùi ū khah chū-iû ah, yi ê sèⁿ-miā tng boeh khai-sí chi̍t ê sin ê kai-tōaⁿ.
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7.6 真緊她 tō 知影按怎管顧伊
"Ai-ah, 是 ah, 無毋著, án-ne 會 kā Chatterley Hj 忝死! 佳哉姻阿姊來鬥 saⁿ-kāng. 查埔人袂曉想, 毋管身份懸抑低, 總是認為查某替 in 做是應該. Oh, chiah-ê 話我已經 kā 礦工講濟濟擺 ah lah. M̄-koh 這對 Clifford Sià 真困難, 你知, 伊雙跤不遂. In 本是自尊 ê 家族, 懸懸在上, 這 mā 是 in ê 權利. 今煞受著這款打擊! 這予 Chatterley Hj 真艱難, 凡勢她受 ê 打擊較大. 她失去偌濟 ah! 我干焦有 Ted 3 年, 老實講, 彼 3 年予我一生難忘. 一千个揣無一个像伊, 光明, 燦爛. Siáng 想會到伊會著災厄? 到今, 我猶毋敢相信, 我一直毋相信, 雖罔我親手洗伊 ê 死體. 在我, 伊並無死, 伊毋 bat 死. 我毋承認伊已經死 ah."
Tī Wragby, chiah-ê 話真新奇, Connie 以前毋 bat 聽過; 這予她聽 kah 真趣味.
Tī 頭一禮拜彼跤兜, Bolton Tt tī Wragby 真恬靜, 她無表現出自信, 佔大 ê 本性, 小可會緊張. 面對 Clifford, 她會歹勢, 驚驚, 恬恬. Clifford 佮意她 án-ne, 予伊感覺有威嚴, tō 在她替伊處理代誌, mā 袂無自在.
"她是真好用 ê 小卒仔!" Clifford 講. Connie 目睭展大, 感覺奇怪, m̄-koh 她無應喙. 兩人 ê 看法差誠濟!
無久, Clifford 對這个護士 ê 態度 tō ná 王爺. 這, Bolton Tt 家己早 tō 有料著, m̄-koh Clifford 是不知不覺 án-ne 做. 別人對咱 ê 看法, 咱攏真敏感! 礦工 tō ná 囡仔 leh, 她 teh kā in 包紗布抑做護理 ê 時, in 會 kap 她講話, kā 講佗位疼. In 總是予她感覺家己真高貴, 是護理界 ê 超人. 今 Clifford 予她感覺足微小, tō ná 一个女僕, 這她 mā 恬恬接受, 調整家己來面對上流階級.
她真恬靜, 面模長長, 好看, 目睭總是看下面, án-ne 來服侍伊. 她講話總是謙虛: "今, 我 ē-sái 做這無, Clifford Sià? Ē-sái 做彼無?"
"免, 慢且做. Liâm-mi 才叫你做."
"是 ah, Clifford Sià."
"過半點鐘才 koh 來."
"是 ah, Clifford Sià."
"Hiah-ê 舊報紙 kā 提出去, 好毋?"
"是 ah, Clifford Sià."
她輕輕離開, 半點鐘了, koh 輕輕來. Án-ne hông 差使, m̄-koh 她無掛意. 她當 teh 適應上流階級 ê 人. 她無埋怨, mā 無討厭 Clifford; 伊只是表現 in 上流階級 ê 現象, 這她自來毋 bat, 今 tō 欲 bat in ah. 她感覺 Chatterley Hj 較好做伙, 總是, 家庭 nih 女主人上要緊.
Bolton Tt 暗時著安搭 Clifford 上床, 她睏 tī 走廊對面 ê 房間, 半暝伊若揤鈴仔, 她著來. 早起她 mā 著安搭伊, 無久著 koh 幫伊洗盪, 穿插, 甚至用她彼查某人溫柔, 體貼 ê 方式, 替伊剾喙鬚. 她真 gâu, 真 khiàng, 真緊她 tō 知影按怎管顧伊 lah. 總是, 當你 tī 伊下頦抹 sap-bûn 泡, 柔柔攄伊彼硬硬 ê 喙鬚 ê 時, 伊 kap 礦工並無啥差別. 伊 ê 自大 kap 無誠懇袂予她掛意; 她當 teh 得著新 ê 經驗.
不而過, 有關 Connie kā 安搭伊 ê khang-khòe 交予這个倩來 ê 生份查某, Clifford 心內袂原諒她. 伊 kā 家己講: 這害死了伊 kap 她中間親密 ê 花蕊. M̄-koh Connie 無掛意這. In 中間 ê 親密花蕊 tō ná 寄生 tī 她 ê 性命樹 ê 蘭花, án-ne 生出來 ê, 在她看, 不過是一蕊 li-li-lak-lak ê 花.
今, 她較自由 ah, 會使 tī 家己房間輕鬆彈琴, 唱歌: "毋通摸彼刺仔, 因為愛 ê 束縛歹剝開." 一直到最近她才知, 彼愛 ê 束縛是偌 nī 歹剝開. 感謝天, 她已經 kā 彼剝開 lah! 她誠歡喜 ē-tàng 孤獨一人, 毋免著一直 kap 伊講話. 當伊家己一人 ê 時, 伊用拍字機 tap-tap-tap 拍字, 拍無停. M̄-koh 伊若無 teh "工作", 她若 tī 遐, 伊 tō 講話, 一直講; 不斷分析各種人 kap 動機, kap 因果, 個性, kap 品格, 一直到她擋袂牢. 前幾年, 她真佮意聽, 今她有夠 ah, 忽然間煞 siuⁿ 濟 lah. 今, 她真感恩, 她 ē-tàng koh 家己一人 lah.
彼 tō ná 像 in 兩人 ê 心靈 nih 有千千萬萬 ê 根 kap 線絞做伙, 變做一毬, 無法度 koh 加落, 樹叢漸漸 teh 死. 今, 她當 teh 靜靜, 細膩 kā 兩人心靈 ê 結毬敨開, 一條一條輕輕放鬆線結, 著有耐心, koh 趕緊, 通得著敨放. M̄-koh 這種愛 ê 束縛比別款束縛較歹敨; 雖罔 Bolton Tt 來是真大 ê 幫贊.
M̄-koh, Clifford 猶是愛 tī 暗時和 Connie 有親密 ê 交談: 講話抑是出聲讀冊. 但是, Connie 吩咐 Bolton Tt tī 10 點來, án-ne 她 tō ē-tàng 上樓, 孤孤家己一人. Clifford 交予 Bolton Tt tō 會使 lah.
Bolton Tt 和 Betts Tt tī 管家 ê 房間食飯, án-ne in 攏利便. 真奇怪, 今家僕 ê 所在 ká-ná 變較近 ah; 已經來到 Clifford 冊房 ê 門口, 以前 in 攏離真遠. 因為, Betts Tt 有時會來 Bolton ê 房間坐, Connie 聽會著 in 壓低 ê 講話聲, 干焦她 kap Clifford 兩人做伙 ê 時, 她感覺 ná 像勞動階級 ê 堅強 kap 震動已經侵入 in ê 起居室. 干焦 Bolton Tt 來, Wragby 已經變誠濟.
Connie 感覺家己解脫 lah, 世界無仝 lah, 喘 ê 氣 mā 無仝 lah. M̄-koh 她猶是煩惱, 她猶是有濟濟根, ná 是道德 ê 根, 猶絞 tī Clifford 遐. M̄-koh, 她喘氣有較自由 ah, 她 ê 性命當欲開始一个新 ê 階段.
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7.6
’Why, yes, of course, it would wear Lady Chatterley out! It’s a mercy she had a sister to come and help her. Men don’t think, high and low-alike, they take what a woman does for them for granted. Oh, I’ve told the colliers off about it many a time. But it’s very hard for Sir Clifford, you know, crippled like that. They were always a haughty family, standoffish in a way, as they’ve a right to be. But then to be brought down like that! And it’s very hard on Lady Chatterley, perhaps harder on her. What she misses! I only had Ted three years, but my word, while I had him I had a husband I could never forget. He was one in a thousand, and jolly as the day. Who’d ever have thought he’d get killed? I don’t believe it to this day somehow, I’ve never believed it, though I washed him with my own hands. But he was never dead for me, he never was. I never took it in.’
This was a new voice in Wragby, very new for Connie to hear; it roused a new ear in her.
For the first week or so, Mrs Bolton, however, was very quiet at Wragby, her assured, bossy manner left her, and she was nervous. With Clifford she was shy, almost frightened, and silent. He liked that, and soon recovered his self-possession, letting her do things for him without even noticing her.
’She’s a useful nonentity!’ he said. Connie opened her eyes in wonder, but she did not contradict him. So different are impressions on two different people!
And he soon became rather superb, somewhat lordly with the nurse. She had rather expected it, and he played up without knowing. So susceptible we are to what is expected of us! The colliers had been so like children, talking to her, and telling her what hurt them, while she bandaged them, or nursed them. They had always made her feel so grand, almost super-human in her administrations. Now Clifford made her feel small, and like a servant, and she accepted it without a word, adjusting herself to the upper classes.
She came very mute, with her long, handsome face, and downcast eyes, to administer to him. And she said very humbly: ‘Shall I do this now, Sir Clifford? Shall I do that?’
’No, leave it for a time. I’ll have it done later.’
’Very well, Sir Clifford.’
’Come in again in half an hour.’
’Very well, Sir Clifford.’
’And just take those old papers out, will you?’
’Very well, Sir Clifford.’
She went softly, and in half an hour she came softly again. She was bullied, but she didn’t mind. She was experiencing the upper classes. She neither resented nor disliked Clifford; he was just part of a phenomenon, the phenomenon of the high-class folks, so far unknown to her, but now to be known. She felt more at home with Lady Chatterley, and after all it’s the mistress of the house matters most.
Mrs Bolton helped Clifford to bed at night, and slept across the passage from his room, and came if he rang for her in the night. She also helped him in the morning, and soon valeted him completely, even shaving him, in her soft, tentative woman’s way. She was very good and competent, and she soon knew how to have him in her power. He wasn’t so very different from the colliers after all, when you lathered his chin, and softly rubbed the bristles. The stand-offishness and the lack of frankness didn’t bother her; she was having a new experience.
Clifford, however, inside himself, never quite forgave Connie for giving up her personal care of him to a strange hired woman. It killed, he said to himself, the real flower of the intimacy between him and her. But Connie didn’t mind that. The fine flower of their intimacy was to her rather like an orchid, a bulb stuck parasitic on her tree of life, and producing, to her eyes, a rather shabby flower.
Now she had more time to herself she could softly play the piano, up in her room, and sing: ‘Touch not the nettle, for the bonds of love are ill to loose.’ She had not realized till lately how ill to loose they were, these bonds of love. But thank Heaven she had loosened them! She was so glad to be alone, not always to have to talk to him. When he was alone he tapped-tapped-tapped on a typewriter, to infinity. But when he was not ‘working’, and she was there, he talked, always talked; infinite small analysis of people and motives, and results, characters and personalities, till now she had had enough. For years she had loved it, until she had enough, and then suddenly it was too much. She was thankful to be alone.
It was as if thousands and thousands of little roots and threads of consciousness in him and her had grown together into a tangled mass, till they could crowd no more, and the plant was dying. Now quietly, subtly, she was unravelling the tangle of his consciousness and hers, breaking the threads gently, one by one, with patience and impatience to get clear. But the bonds of such love are more ill to loose even than most bonds; though Mrs Bolton’s coming had been a great help.
But he still wanted the old intimate evenings of talk with Connie: talk or reading aloud. But now she could arrange that Mrs Bolton should come at ten to disturb them. At ten o’clock Connie could go upstairs and be alone. Clifford was in good hands with Mrs Bolton.
Mrs Bolton ate with Mrs Betts in the housekeeper’s room, since they were all agreeable. And it was curious how much closer the servants’ quarters seemed to have come; right up to the doors of Clifford’s study, when before they were so remote. For Mrs Betts would sometimes sit in Mrs Bolton’s room, and Connie heard their lowered voices, and felt somehow the strong, other vibration of the working people almost invading the sitting-room, when she and Clifford were alone. So changed was Wragby merely by Mrs Bolton’s coming.
And Connie felt herself released, in another world, she felt she breathed differently. But still she was afraid of how many of her roots, perhaps mortal ones, were tangled with Clifford’s. Yet still, she breathed freer, a new phase was going to begin in her life.
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