10.4 Siā-hōe sī o͘k-to̍k, pòaⁿ siáu ê iá-siù
I koh kiâⁿ-ji̍p o͘-àm, phiah-chēng ê chhiū-nâ khì. M̄-koh i châi, che chhiū-nâ ê phiah-chēng sī ké ê. Kang-gia̍p ê chhò-hīⁿ-siaⁿ phò-hāi chia ê che̍k-chēng, chha̍k-ba̍k ê teng-kng sui-jiân khòaⁿ bē tio̍h, mā ná tī hia. Lâng bô koh ū su-bi̍t kap phiah-chēng ê só͘-chāi ah. Sè-kài put chún ū ún-ki-chiá. Taⁿ i tit-tio̍h chit ê cha-bó͘, hō͘ ka-tī chìn-ji̍p sin ê thòng-khó͘ kap miā-ūn ê sûn-khoân. I ê keng-giām chai che sī siáⁿ ì-sù.
Che m̄-sī cha-bó͘ ê chhò, koh-khah m̄-sī ài-chêng ê chhò, mā m̄-sī sèng-ài ê chhò. Chhò tī hia, tī gōa-kháu, tī siâ-ok ê tiān-hóe kap enjín ná ok-mô͘ ê kā-kā siaⁿ. Hia, tī hit ê ki-khì tham koh tham ê ki-chè kap ki-khì-hóa ê tham ê sè-kài, hia kng teh siám-sih, bùn chhut sio-thǹg ê kim-sio̍k, kau-thong chhá-nāu, kóng-tāi ê siâ-ok mi̍h-kiāⁿ lóng tī hia, sûi-sî boeh siau-bia̍t m̄ ha̍p-liû ê it-chhè. Chin kín i tō ē húi-tiāu chhiū-nâ, nâ-lêng-hoe tō bē koh khui-hoe. Tī thih ê kún-tāng kap ūn-hêng ē-bīn, só͘-ū lám-sin ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ lóng tio̍h bia̍t-bōng.
I iōng bô-hān ê un-jiû su-liām hit ê cha-bó͘. Khó-liân sit-lo̍h ê lâng, yi m̄-chai ka-tī ū gōa chán, oh! chē-chē hó kòe yi só͘ kau-pòe tio̍h ê hiah-ê kāu-sái ê lâng. Khó-liân ê lâng ah, yi mā ū iá-seng hong-sìn-chú ê nńg-jio̍k, yi bô chhiūⁿ hiān-tāi lú-chú án-ne, choân sī chhiū-leng chè-phin kap pe̍h-kim. M̄-koh yin ē ah-tó yi! Ná chhiūⁿ sèⁿ-miā hiah-nī khak-tēng, yin ē ah-tó yi, ná chhiūⁿ yin ah-tó só͘-ū thian-jiân un-jiû ê sèⁿ-miā. Un-jiû! Ū-ê só͘-chāi yi sī un-jiû, ná tng-teh tōa ê hong-sìn-chú ê un-jîiu, he sī kin-ji̍t iōng sok-ka ê cha-bó͘ so͘ bô ê. M̄-koh, i ē iōng i ê sim pó-hō͘ yi chi̍t-chām-á. Kan-ta chi̍t-chām-á, tī bô-chêng ê kǹg-thih sè-kai kap ki-khì-hóa tham-sim ê Châi-sîn iáu-bōe ah-tó in, its* yi kap i, chín-chêng. [* its = iā-tō-sī]
I giâ chhèng, chhōa káu tńg in tau, àm-àm ê chhun-sià, tiám teng, khí hóe, khai-sí chia̍h àm: pháng, chhiz, iù chhang kap bihlù. I ko͘ chi̍t lâng, hiàng-siū i só͘ ài ê tiām-chēng. I ê pâng-keng chheng-khì koh chéng-chê, m̄-koh chin kán-phok. Iah hóe chin kng, lô͘-á pe̍h, iû-teng tiàu tī khàm pe̍h-sek iû-pò͘ ê toh-á téng-koân. I siūⁿ boeh tha̍k chi̍t pún iú-koan India ê chheh, m̄-koh e-àm i bô sim thang tha̍k. I chhēng siatchuh, chē tī hóe-lô͘ piⁿ, bô pok-hun, m̄-koh chhiú piⁿ ū chi̍t tōa-poe bihlù. I teh su-liām Connie.
Láu-si̍t kóng, i tùi hoat-seng ê tāi-chì kám-kak hiō-hóe, hoān-sè chú-iàu sī ūi-tio̍h yi. I ū chi̍t ê ī-kám. He m̄-sī chhò a̍h-sī chōe-kò; i bē kám-kak liông-sim put-an. I chai, liông-sim sī in-ūi kiaⁿ siā-hōe, a̍h kiaⁿ ka-tī. I bē kiaⁿ ka-tī. M̄-koh i liông-sim-siong siong-tong kiaⁿ siā-hōe, i ê pún-lêng tō chai-iáⁿ, siā-hōe sī ok-to̍k, pòaⁿ siáu ê iá-siù.
Hit ê cha-bó͘! Yi nā ē-tàng tī chia kap i tàu-tīn, sè-kài siōng iū-koh bô kî-thaⁿ ê lâng! Chit ê io̍k-bōng koh lâi, i ê lān-chiáu ná chiáu-á teh ngiauh. Kāng hit ê sî-chūn, ū chi̍t chióng ah-ut teh-lo̍h i ê keng-thâu: kiaⁿ i ka-tī kap yi ē khì po̍k-lō͘ tī tiān-hóe ok-to̍k siám-sih ê gōa-kháu hit-ê Mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Yi, khó-liân ê siàu-liân mi̍h-á, chāi i khòaⁿ, put-kò sī chi̍t chiah bó-ê siàu-liân tōng-bu̍t-á; he sī i bat ji̍p-khì kòe, mā giàn boeh koh ji̍p-khì ê bó-ê siàu-liân tōng-bu̍t-á.
Ná chhun-ûn, peh he kî-koài io̍k-bōng ê hah, īn-ūi i í-keng ko͘ chi̍t lâng lī-khui cha-po͘ cha-bó͘ 4 nî ah, i khiā khí-lâi, koh the̍h i ê gōa-thò, kap i ê chhèng, kā teng koaiⁿ sè, tō chhōa káu chhut-khì thiⁿ-chheⁿ móa-móa ê àm-mê. Hō͘ io̍k-bōng kap tùi gōa-kháu ok-to̍k Mi̍h-kiāⁿ ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ só͘ thui-sak, i bān-bān, khin-khin khì sûn-sī chhiū-nâ. I kah-ì che o͘-àm, kā ka-tī kńg ji̍p o͘-àm tiong. Chia sek-ha̍p i tiùⁿ-tōa ê io̍k-bōng, he bô-lūn án-chóaⁿ lóng ná chhiūⁿ sī châi-hù; i ê lān-chiáu ngiauh bô-thêng, i ē-io ê hóe mā teh ngiauh! Oh, nā ū kî-thaⁿ ê cha-po͘-lâng tâng-chê, thang khì gōa-kháu hia phah hit ê sih tiān-hóe ê Mi̍h-kiāⁿ, thang pó-chûn sèⁿ-miā ê un-jiû, cha-bó͘ ê un-jiû, kap io̍k-bōng ê chū-jiân châi-hù tō hó lah. Nā ū cha-po͘-lâng thang saⁿ-kap chò-hóe khì phah tō hó lah! M̄-koh cha-po͘-lâng lóng í-keng tī gōa-kháu, bê-chùi tī hit-ê Mi̍h-kiāⁿ lāi-té, m̄-sī sèng-lī tō-sī pī that-tó tī ki-khì-hòa ê tham a̍h-sī tham ê ki-chè ê tiâu-liû nih.
Connie chit pêng, yi siáⁿ to bô siūⁿ, tō kín-kín kiâⁿ kòe hoe-hn̂g, tńg kàu chhù. Yi iáu bô siáⁿ-mih thang su-khó. Yi eng-tong ē-hù chia̍h àm-tǹg.
Kàu mn̂g-kháu, yi soah hoat-hiān mn̂g chhòaⁿ tio̍h, chì-hó khì chhi̍h mn̂g-lêng. Bolton Tt lâi khui.
"Ai-ah, lí tī chia, Hu-jîn! Góa chiah tú teh kî-koài, lí sī m̄-sī bê-lō͘!" yi ke-sian ke-tak án-ne kóng. "Ka-chài Clifford Sià bô chhōe lí; i hām Linley Ss chò-hóe teh kóng tāi-chì. Góa khòaⁿ i ē lâu lo̍h-lâi chia̍h-àm, kám m̄-sī, Hu-jîn?"
"Tāi-khài sī lah," Connie kóng.
"Góa sī m̄-sī bān 15 hun-cheng chiah pâi àm-tǹg? Án-ne lí tō ū-kàu sî-kan thang khoaⁿ-khoaⁿ-á ōaⁿ saⁿ."
"Lí kóng ê tio̍h."
Linley Ss sī khòng-tiûⁿ chóng-keng-lí, sī ū-hòe-thâu ê pak-pō͘ lâng, bô-sáⁿ tòe ē tio̍h Clifford ê iau-kiû; tòe bē tio̍h chiàn-āu ê chōng-hóng, chiàn-āu ê khòng-kang mā kāng-khoán, kan-ta siú tio̍h in ê lāu kui-kí. M̄-koh, Connie kah-ì Linley Ss, chí-sī yi chin thó-ià in bó͘ ê sai-nai khoán, ka-chài yi bô lâi.
Linley ū lâu lo̍h-lâi chia̍h-àm, iah Connie sī lâng-lâng kah-ì ê lú chú-lâng: khiam-hi, in-khîn koh thé-tiap, tōa-tōa ê nâ-sek ba̍k-chiu kap un-jiû ê sîn-thài oân-choân am-khàm yi chin-chiàⁿ ê sim-sū. Chit ê kak-sek Connie chin ē-hiáu, che kin-pún sī yi ê tē-jī thian-sèng; m̄-koh che sī yi soán-te̍k ê tē-jī thian-sèng. Kî-koài ê sī, teh poaⁿ-ián ê sî, yi ê ì-sek lāi-té ká-ná lóng bô pa̍t-hāng ah.
Yi nāi-sim tán, it-ti̍t kàu ē-tàng chiūⁿ-lâu khì siūⁿ ka-tī ê tāi-chì. Yi it-ti̍t lóng teh tán, che ná sī yi ê te̍k-tiám.
Ji̍p kàu yi ê pâng-keng, yi iáu sī kám-kak bông-jiân, hūn-loān, m̄-chai boeh siūⁿ siáⁿ. Tàu-té i sī siáⁿ-khoán lâng ah? I chin-chiàⁿ kah-ì yi sioh? Bô sêng, yi án-ne siūⁿ. M̄-koh i chin chhin-chhiat. Ū bó͘-chióng un-loán thian-chin ê chhin-chhiat, kî-miāu koh tu̍t-jiân, he chha chi̍t-tiám-á hō͘ yi ê chú-kiong ūi i phah-khui. M̄-koh yi kám-kak i khó-lêng tùi ta̍k-ê cha-bó͘ lóng chhin-chhiat. Sui-jiân án-ne, mā sī hō͘ lâng chiâⁿ an-ùi, sóng-khoài. I sī jia̍t-chêng ê lâng, kiān-choân, jia̍t-sim. M̄-koh hoān-sè i bô-kàu choan-it; i khó-lêng tùi ta̍k-ê kap i chò-hóe ê cha-bó͘ lóng kāng-khoán. Án-ne tō bô-kàu choan-it. Yi tùi i, put-kò sī chi̍t ê lú-sèng jî-í.
M̄-koh, hoān-sè án-ne tian-tò hó. Chóng-sī, i kah-ì yi ê lú-sèng hit pō͘-hūn, che m̄-bat ū cha-po͘ kah-ì kòe. Cha-po͘ lóng tùi yi chit ê lâng hó, m̄-koh tùi yi ê lú-sèng chân-jím, kā yi oân-choân khòaⁿ-khin a̍h-sī khòaⁿ-bô. Cha-po͘ lóng tùi Constance Reid a̍h tùi Chatterley Hj chiâⁿ chhin-chhiat; m̄-koh m̄-sī tùi yi ê chú-kiong chhin-chhiat. M̄-koh chit ê lâng bô chù-ì Constance a̍h Chatterley Hj; i kan-ta khin-khin phok yi ê ē-io a̍h yi ê leng.
Keh-kang yi khì chhiū-nâ. He sī phú-phú, tiām-chēng ê ē-po͘, àm-chheⁿ-sek ê soaⁿ-tiān (山靛, dog's mercury) thòaⁿ tī chin-bo̍k chhiū ē-bīn, só͘-ū ê chhiū-á lóng tiām-tiām teh phah-piàⁿ hoat-íⁿ. Kin-á-ji̍t yi kiông boeh ē-tàng tī yi ka-tī ê sin-khu kám-kak tio̍h he, chhiū kho͘ lāi-té tōa káng ê chiap bùn koân, hiòng sin íⁿ ê bóe-liu, sak-ji̍p chhiūⁿ-chhiū sió-sió hoat-kng ê hio̍h, âng kah ná hoeh. He ná-chhiūⁿ chúi-éng chhèng koân, chòaⁿ tī thiⁿ-téng.
Yi lâi-kàu khang-tē, m̄-koh i bô tī hia. Yi goân-pún mā kan-ta pòaⁿ kî-thāi tú-tio̍h i. Hiah-ê hoaⁿ-hí ê thī-ke-á-kiáⁿ ná chháu-meh-á tī gōa-kháu cháu-thiàu, ke-bó tī ke-lam nih kin-tiuⁿ kok-kok kiò. Connie chē leh khòaⁿ in, ná tán. Yi kan-ta tán, liân ke-á-kiáⁿ mā bô án-chóaⁿ khòaⁿ, kan-ta tán.
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10.4 社會是惡毒, 半痟 ê 野獸
伊 koh 行入烏暗, 僻靜 ê 樹林去. M̄-koh 伊知, 這樹林 ê 僻靜是假 ê. 工業 ê 噪耳聲破害遮 ê 寂靜, 鑿目 ê 燈光雖然看袂著, mā ná tī 遐. 人無 koh 有私密 kap 僻靜 ê 所在 ah. 世界不准有隱居者. 今伊得著這个查某, 予家己進入新 ê 痛苦 kap 命運 ê 循環. 伊 ê 經驗知這是啥意思.
這毋是查某 ê 錯, koh 較毋是愛情 ê 錯, mā 毋是性愛 ê 錯. 錯 tī 遐, tī 外口, tī 邪惡 ê 電火 kap enjín ná 惡魔 ê kā-kā 聲. 遐, tī 彼个機器貪 koh 貪 ê 機制 kap 機器化 ê 貪 ê 世界, 遐光 teh 閃爍, 濆出燒燙 ê 金屬, 交通吵鬧, 廣大 ê 邪惡物件攏 tī 遐, 隨時欲消滅毋合流 ê 一切. 真緊伊 tō 會毁掉樹林, 藍鈴花 tō 袂 koh 開花. Tī 鐵 ê 滾動 kap 運行下面, 所有荏身 ê 物件攏著滅亡.
伊用無限 ê 溫柔思念彼个查某. 可憐失落 ê 人, 她毋知家己有偌讚, oh! 濟濟好過她所交陪著 hiah-ê 厚屎 ê 人. 可憐 ê 人 ah, 她 mā 有野生風信子 ê 軟弱, 她無像現代女子 án-ne, 全是樹奶製品 kap 白金. M̄-koh 姻會壓倒她! Ná 像性命 hiah-nī 確定, 姻會壓倒她, ná 像姻壓倒所有天然溫柔 ê 性命. 溫柔! 有 ê 所在她是溫柔, ná 當 teh 大 ê 風信子 ê 溫柔, 彼是今日用塑膠 ê 查某所無 ê. M̄-koh, 伊會用伊 ê 心保護她一站仔. 干焦一站仔, tī 無情 ê 鋼鐵世界 kap 機器化貪心 ê 財神猶袂壓倒 in, its* 她 kap 伊, 進前. [* its = 也 tō 是]
伊夯銃, chhōa 狗轉 in 兜, 暗暗 ê 村舍, 點燈, 起火, 開始食暗: 麭, chhiz, 幼蔥 kap bihlù. 伊孤一人, 享受伊所愛 ê 恬靜. 伊 ê 房間清氣 koh 整齊, m̄-koh 真簡樸. Iah 火真光, 爐仔白, 油燈吊 tī 崁白色油布 ê 桌仔頂懸. 伊想欲讀一本有關 India ê 冊, m̄-koh 下暗伊無心通讀. 伊穿 siatchuh, 坐 tī 火爐邊, 無噗薰, m̄-koh 手邊有一大杯 bihlù. I teh 思念 Connie.
老實講, 伊對發生 ê 代誌感覺後悔, 凡勢主要是為著她. 伊有一个預感. 彼毋是錯抑是罪過; 伊袂感覺良心不安. 伊知, 良心是因為驚社會, 抑驚家己. 她袂驚家己. M̄-koh 伊良心上相當驚社會, 伊 ê 本能 tō 知影, 社會是惡毒, 半痟 ê 野獸.
彼个查某! 她若 ē-tàng tī 遮 kap 伊鬥陣, 世界上 koh 無其他 ê 人! 這个慾望又 koh 來, 伊 ê lān-chiáu ná 鳥仔 teh ngiauh. 仝彼个時陣, 有一種壓鬱硩落伊 ê 肩頭: 驚伊家己 kap 她會去暴露 tī 電火惡毒閃爍 ê 外口彼个 "物件". 她, 可憐 ê 少年物仔, 在伊看, 不過是一隻母 ê 少年動物仔; 彼是伊 bat 入去過, mā 癮欲 koh 入去 ê 母 ê 少年動物仔.
Ná 伸勻, peh 彼奇怪慾望 ê hah, 因為伊已經孤一人離開查某 4 年 ah, 伊徛起來, koh 提伊 ê 外套, kap 伊 ê 銃, kā 燈關細, tō chhōa 狗出去天星滿滿 ê 暗暝. 予慾望 kap 對外口惡毒 "物件" ê 驚惶所推捒, 伊慢慢, 輕輕去巡視樹林. 伊佮意這烏暗, kā 家己囥入烏暗中. 遮適合伊漲大 ê 慾望, 彼無論按怎攏 ná 像是財富; 伊 ê lān-chiáu ngiauh 無停, 伊下腰 ê 火 mā teh ngiauh! Oh, 若有其他 ê 查埔人同齊, 通去外口遐拍彼个爍電火 ê "物件", 通保存性命 ê 溫柔, 查某 ê 溫柔, kap 慾望 ê 自然財富 tō 好 lah. 若有查埔人通 saⁿ-kap 做伙去拍 tō 好 lah! M̄-koh 查埔人攏已經 tī 外口, 迷醉 tī 彼个 "物件" 內底, 毋是勝利 tō 是被踢倒 tī 機器化 ê 貪抑是貪 ê 機制潮流 nih.
Connie 這爿, 她啥都無想, tō 緊緊行過花園, 轉到厝. 她猶無啥物通思考. 她應當會赴食暗頓.
到門口, 她煞發現門閂著, 只好去揤門鈴. Bolton Tt 來開.
"Ai-ah, 你 tī 遮, 夫人! 我才拄 teh 奇怪, 你是毋是迷路!" 她假仙假觸 án-ne 講. "佳哉 Clifford Sià 無揣你; 伊和 Linley Ss 做伙 teh 講代誌. 我看伊會留落來食暗, 敢毋是, 夫人?"
"大概是 lah," Connie 講.
"我是毋是慢 15 分鐘才排暗頓? Án-ne 你 tō 有夠時間通寬寬仔換衫."
"你講 ê 著."
Linley Ss 是礦場總經理, 是有歲頭 ê 北部人, 無啥綴會著 Clifford ê 要求; 綴袂著戰後 ê 狀況, 戰後 ê 礦工 mā 仝款, 干焦守著 in ê 老規矩. M̄-koh, Connie 佮意 Linley Ss, 只是她真討厭 in 某 ê sai-nai 款, 佳哉她無來.
Linley 有留落來食暗, iah Connie 是人人佮意 ê 女主人: 謙虛, 殷勤 koh 體貼, 大大 ê 藍色目睭 kap 溫柔 ê 神態完全掩崁她真正 ê 心事. 這个角色 Connie 真會曉, 這根本是她 ê 第二天性; m̄-koh 這是她選擇 ê 第二天性. 奇怪 ê 是, teh 搬演 ê 時, 她 ê 意識內底 ká-ná 攏無別人 ah.
她耐心等, 一直到 ē-tàng 上樓去想家己 ê 代誌. 她一直攏 teh 等, 這 ná 是她 ê 特點.
入到她 ê 房間, 她猶是感覺茫然, 混亂, 毋知欲想啥. 到底伊是啥款人 ah? 伊真正佮意她 sioh? 無成, 她 án-ne 想. M̄-koh 伊真親切. 有某種溫暖天真 ê 親切, 奇妙 koh 突然, 彼差一點仔予她 ê 子宮為伊拍開. M̄-koh 她感覺伊可能對逐个查某攏親切. 雖然 án-ne, mā 是予人誠安慰, 爽快. 伊是熱情 ê 人, 健全, 熱心. M̄-koh 凡勢伊無夠專一; 伊可能對逐个 kap 伊做伙 ê 查某攏仝款. Án-ne tō 無夠專一. 她對伊, 不過是一个女性而已.
M̄-koh, 凡勢 án-ne 顛倒好. 總是, 伊佮意她 ê 女性彼部份, 這 m̄-bat 有查埔佮意過. 查埔攏對她這个人好, m̄-koh 對她 ê 女性殘忍, kā 她完全看輕抑是看無. 查埔人對 Constance Reid 抑對 Chatterley Hj 誠親切; m̄-koh 毋是對她 ê 子宮親切. M̄-koh 這个人無注意 Constance 抑 Chatterley Hj; 伊干焦輕輕 phok 她 ê 下腰抑她 ê 奶.
隔工她去樹林. 彼是殕殕, 恬靜 ê 下晡, 暗青色 ê soaⁿ-tiān (山靛, dog's mercury) 湠 tī 搸木樹下面, 所有 ê 樹仔攏恬恬 teh 拍拚發穎. 今仔日她強欲 ē-tàng tī 她家己 ê 身軀感覺著彼, 樹箍內底大港 ê 汁濆懸, 向新穎 ê 尾溜, 捒入橡樹小小發光 ê 葉, 紅 kah ná 血. 彼 ná 像水湧衝懸, 濺 tī 天頂.
她來到空地, m̄-koh 伊無 tī 遐. 她原本 mā 干焦半期待拄著伊. Hiah-ê 歡喜 ê 雉雞仔囝 ná 草蜢仔 tī 外口走跳, 雞母 tī 雞籠 nih 緊張 kok-kok 叫. Connie 坐 leh 看 in, ná 等. 她干焦等, 連雞仔囝 mā 無按怎看, 干焦等.
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10.4
He went down again into the darkness and seclusion of the wood. But he knew that the seclusion of the wood was illusory. The industrial noises broke the solitude, the sharp lights, though unseen, mocked it. A man could no longer be private and withdrawn. The world allows no hermits. And now he had taken the woman, and brought on himself a new cycle of pain and doom. For he knew by experience what it meant.
It was not woman’s fault, nor even love’s fault, nor the fault of sex. The fault lay there, out there, in those evil electric lights and diabolical rattlings of engines. There, in the world of the mechanical greedy, greedy mechanism and mechanized greed, sparkling with lights and gushing hot metal and roaring with traffic, there lay the vast evil thing, ready to destroy whatever did not conform. Soon it would destroy the wood, and the bluebells would spring no more. All vulnerable things must perish under the rolling and running of iron.
He thought with infinite tenderness of the woman. Poor forlorn thing, she was nicer than she knew, and oh! so much too nice for the tough lot she was in contact with. Poor thing, she too had some of the vulnerability of the wild hyacinths, she wasn’t all tough rubber-goods and platinum, like the modern girl. And they would do her in! As sure as life, they would do her in, as they do in all naturally tender life. Tender! Somewhere she was tender, tender with a tenderness of the growing hyacinths, something that has gone out of the celluloid women of today. But he would protect her with his heart for a little while. For a little while, before the insentient iron world and the Mammon of mechanized greed did them both in, her as well as him.
He went home with his gun and his dog, to the dark cottage, lit the lamp, started the fire, and ate his supper of bread and cheese, young onions and beer. He was alone, in a silence he loved. His room was clean and tidy, but rather stark. Yet the fire was bright, the hearth white, the petroleum lamp hung bright over the table, with its white oil-cloth. He tried to read a book about India, but tonight he could not read. He sat by the fire in his shirt-sleeves, not smoking, but with a mug of beer in reach. And he thought about Connie.
To tell the truth, he was sorry for what had happened, perhaps most for her sake. He had a sense of foreboding. No sense of wrong or sin; he was troubled by no conscience in that respect. He knew that conscience was chiefly fear of society, or fear of oneself. He was not afraid of himself. But he was quite consciously afraid of society, which he knew by instinct to be a malevolent, partly-insane beast.
The woman! If she could be there with him, and there were nobody else in the world! The desire rose again, his penis began to stir like a live bird. At the same time an oppression, a dread of exposing himself and her to that outside Thing that sparkled viciously in the electric lights, weighed down his shoulders. She, poor young thing, was just a young female creature to him; but a young female creature whom he had gone into and whom he desired again.
Stretching with the curious yawn of desire, for he had been alone and apart from man or woman for four years, he rose and took his coat again, and his gun, lowered the lamp and went out into the starry night, with the dog. Driven by desire and by dread of the malevolent Thing outside, he made his round in the wood, slowly, softly. He loved the darkness and folded himself into it. It fitted the turgidity of his desire which, in spite of all, was like a riches; the stirring restlessness of his penis, the stirring fire in his loins! Oh, if only there were other men to be with, to fight that sparkling electric Thing outside there, to preserve the tenderness of life, the tenderness of women, and the natural riches of desire. If only there were men to fight side by side with! But the men were all outside there, glorying in the Thing, triumphing or being trodden down in the rush of mechanized greed or of greedy mechanism.
Constance, for her part, had hurried across the park, home, almost without thinking. As yet she had no afterthought. She would be in time for dinner.
She was annoyed to find the doors fastened, however, so that she had to ring. Mrs Bolton opened.
’Why there you are, your Ladyship! I was beginning to wonder if you’d gone lost!’ she said a little roguishly. ‘Sir Clifford hasn’t asked for you, though; he’s got Mr Linley in with him, talking over something. It looks as if he’d stay to dinner, doesn’t it, my Lady?’
’It does rather,’ said Connie.
’Shall I put dinner back a quarter of an hour? That would give you time to dress in comfort.’
’Perhaps you’d better.’
Mr Linley was the general manager of the collieries, an elderly man from the north, with not quite enough punch to suit Clifford; not up to post-war conditions, nor post-war colliers either, with their ‘ca’ canny’ creed. But Connie liked Mr Linley, though she was glad to be spared the toadying of his wife.
Linley stayed to dinner, and Connie was the hostess men liked so much, so modest, yet so attentive and aware, with big, wide blue eyes and a soft repose that sufficiently hid what she was really thinking. Connie had played this woman so much, it was almost second nature to her; but still, decidedly second. Yet it was curious how everything disappeared from her consciousness while she played it.
She waited patiently till she could go upstairs and think her own thoughts. She was always waiting, it seemed to be her FORTE.
Once in her room, however, she felt still vague and confused. She didn’t know what to think. What sort of a man was he, really? Did he really like her? Not much, she felt. Yet he was kind. There was something, a sort of warm naive kindness, curious and sudden, that almost opened her womb to him. But she felt he might be kind like that to any woman. Though even so, it was curiously soothing, comforting. And he was a passionate man, wholesome and passionate. But perhaps he wasn’t quite individual enough; he might be the same with any woman as he had been with her. It really wasn’t personal. She was only really a female to him.
But perhaps that was better. And after all, he was kind to the female in her, which no man had ever been. Men were very kind to the PERSON she was, but rather cruel to the female, despising her or ignoring her altogether. Men were awfully kind to Constance Reid or to Lady Chatterley; but not to her womb they weren’t kind. And he took no notice of Constance or of Lady Chatterley; he just softly stroked her loins or her breasts.
She went to the wood next day. It was a grey, still afternoon, with the dark-green dogs-mercury spreading under the hazel copse, and all the trees making a silent effort to open their buds. Today she could almost feel it in her own body, the huge heave of the sap in the massive trees, upwards, up, up to the bud-tips, there to push into little flamey oak-leaves, bronze as blood. It was like a ride running turgid upward, and spreading on the sky.
She came to the clearing, but he was not there. She had only half expected him. The pheasant chicks were running lightly abroad, light as insects, from the coops where the fellow hens clucked anxiously. Connie sat and watched them, and waited. She only waited. Even the chicks she hardly saw. She waited.
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